To think if you’ve got an ill baby just stay at home?!

[HydrateYourself86]

I know I probably am being slightly unreasonable here but on Monday, myself and my NCT group met up. One of the group messaged the night before to say her DD was ill with a cold and bad cough that had kept them up all night for the last 4 nights, so she guessed she probably shouldn’t bring her but phrased it as a question instead of a statement (it’s not the first time this mum has done this) que two other mums responding saying oh don’t worry about it, of course still attend the meet up, what’s germs between friends etc. She responded with ‘oh yay, I was hoping you’d all say that ☺️’

I really didn’t want to go at this point as we’ve had our fill of illnesses lately and the thought of more sleepless nights just filled me with dread but it was an afternoon tea that I’d already paid for and was non refundable and I just thought I’d try and keep DC away from her DD if poss.

This lady‘s DD was just sat there the entire time with snot streaming from her nose, crying and cranky and constantly coughing.

Anyway, Wednesday both DC and I came down with a cold and horrendous cough. I’m now on nearly day 3 of no sleep as DC has been coughing ALL night and nothing is helping, I’ve tried propping cot, humidifiers, Vicks, cough syrup, ibuprofen you name it. I’ve put them down twice today for a nap and despite being absolutely knackered because they got barely any sleep last night again, they haven’t been able to sleep because they’re still constantly coughing.

I just feel really pissed off tbh. It’s because it’s the second time this particular mum has done this, messaging saying ‘I guess we shouldn’t really come because DD is ill…..?’ rather than ‘So sorry guys, will have to give this one a miss because DD is ill and contagious’ it puts the onus on tbe group then and if other people say they’re fine with it, I’d feel like an arsehole saying no, but why take an obviously contagious child out and about and infect everyone. I myself have cancelled plans with people when DC is ill, including this NCT group but I haven’t angled for them to say ‘oh no it’s fine’ I’ve said ‘sorry we won’t be attending due to DC being ill’ which imo is the correct thing to do?

Dont get me wrong, I’m not a germaphobe and completely understand that kids get ill and not attending things everytime your DC gets a sniffle would mean you would never go out but taking a child who is obviously really unwell and contagious is just taking the piss IMO and I’m tired, know we have yet another night of being up all night with an ill baby and am feeling pretty resentful and pee’d off. I should have just stayed at home.

AIBU?

As much as I would never willingly pass on anything to a youngster…
I have 4 children. My eldest didn’t have a cold til she was a year old because I didn’t take her to baby groups. Her cousin did, and had his first cold at 4 weeks old - which is better?
Of course, after 1, and she went to preschool and picked things up - so did the younger ones! A winter full of runny noses.
The reception year of our school tends to have 50% attendance for one week when they all get chicken pox. Eldest did, a fortnight before lockdown. Lo and behold so did no 2…followed by newborn baby 3, only a week old (shielded somewhat by my immunity and breastfeeding). This was only fully confirmed when he got shingles aged 3. And baby 4 caught chicken pox aged 1. So none of mine now will have the reception 50% missing attendance because of chicken pox.
So illnesses happen, within a family. I love the parents complaining about head lice, as if that isn’t a thing (spoiler alert, it is). All the school illnesses will come, and you can complain, but still they will come.
Do what you can but still… they will catch something you’re not expecting! (HFM, what was what?!)

I agree with this so much! People seem to think it's good to get ill because it builds immunity. My baby was born during lockdown as were all the others in their "group". I was a SAHM and they only started nursery after two, you have to be two to attend. The only thing they have caught is a cold every now and then, same with all the others. Other friends who have started nursery around age 1 have caught all sorts of nasty things and are still getting them now. Could just be a coincidence but I don't think so, I think the ones who haven't been exposed seem to be faring better.

So illnesses happen, within a family

But we weren't a family, we were a group of friends meeting so it was totally avoidable if the parent of the sick child just stayed at home.

I can see opinions are divided and that’s fair enough. Personally, I think I’ll always think it’s selfish to bring a visibily unwell, struggling and contagious child to mix with other children at a non-essential, social event.

Well yes… but my eldest didn’t get sick because I didn’t take to her baby groups. Was that best for her development, my mental health…who knows but she didn’t get any illnesses! (For better or worse).
When they get to preschool/school they catch all these things and no matter how careful you are - they’re contagious before they’re symptomatic in a lot of cases. So you can get angry that they got ill and waste energy on that…or accept that there’s a lot of things they’ll catch over time and some of it will be shit but that’s part and parcel of it. And yes it does feel particularly shit when they’re ill and you’re ill and it feels unnecessary.

so it was totally avoidable if the parent of the sick child just stayed at home.

or indeed…. you had

3 versus 1 on whether she should a attend

You decided to join anyway and risk it knowing what you knew. you were fully equipped with the facts, and took a decision to expose you and your child.

the end

You can’t even prove she caught it from them. If your DC is at nursery there is every chance she got it from there.

It’s annoying but it’s part and parcel of having young children unfortunately.

I've experienced this in group chats...

If you can answer first then get in first and say yours was really poorly last time so best not to bring..

If others have already answered 'bleugh sounds horrible! Hope you get better soon. We're avoiding being sick right now for various reasons, fine if all others are good with it but we will skip this one, have a good time!'

Hope that maybe some others who were quiet speak up and say similar and they just drop out.. if not personally I wouldn't go...

I had a friend like this. DS is now 20 months old, I've definitely pulled away.
DS got ill repeatedly. Last straw was when he got hand foot and mouth from her child, that she didn't mention until DS was showing symptoms, she just casually said, oh xxx had that last week!
But her view is kids get sick, but she also has her partner at home with her, splitting everything. I on the other hand have no such luxury! There uave been many! Sleepless nights due to illness in our house and its always me who's up.

I think people should keep that babies home when they're unwell

I voted YABU because you knew she was coming. Yes, she is inconsiderate and selfish for doing that, but you knew the situation yet you chose to risk it. We went through that cough thing and as a heads up, took about 3-4 weeks to clear with the first 10-14 days being pretty bad. Hope it’s better for you.

What nursery do you go to? At my nursery it's fair game unless the child has a temperature that won't come down. Honestly if I didn't go out when my child was sick I'd literally never leave the house anymore. It's constant at this age, especially if they are at nursery.

YABU partly because you have no way of knowing where your children picked up their bugs.
My GP told recently told me that (paraphrasing as I can’t remember exact words) research has shown a child will spend over 50 weeks in its first 2 years with some level of viral infection (active, recovering, so on).
I do get that it’s annoying when you’ve just got over one bug and then immediately dealing with the next but it’s also soul destroying permanently trapped at home with poorly, unhappy babies.
also whoever said nursery wouldn’t accept it is wrong. My babies nursery doesn’t bad an eyelid at coughs and colds unless they have a temperature. The place would be empty if they did that.

What fascinated me was the people who had symptoms of illness and were very strict about doing the covid tests so that they could be good citizens and stay home if they had it, but if the test showed it wasn't covid they'd go out, apparently it didn't matter if they spread any other virus as long as it wasn't covid.

I think there's a lot of people who need things spoon fed to them and they can't think for themselves, they've never been told they shouldn't spread the flu etc so they don't consider others.

I personally never had the covid jab (which makes me the worst of the worst in some peoples eyes) but I just barely left my house during the pandemic, I also have always been the type to stay away from others as much as possible if I was sick and always be conscious of who I could potentially spread it to, but it seems that even many of those who were completely fanatical about following the covid rules just don't ever think that other viruses can have many of the same effects, leading to pneumonia or 'long' flu etc.

I know a woman who was constantly berating people for not following covid rules but she brought her baby to a restaurant on mothers day even though the baby had rubella.

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all OP.
I know children are likely to pick up stuff and there is lots of germs about, but sometimes you really just think is it worth it.

My sister has my niece who is 8 months old, she had a tummy bug last week & while she was getting over that, her friend brought her own baby round who was quite clearly suffering from a terrible cold, streaming nose & cold. My niece now has it, has developing a horrid viral rash & ended up in hospital over night as sister was concerned, turns out she has developed bronchitis. I would be really annoyed if that was me, as I now know better due to to an incident when DD was little.
She had a vomiting bug, which me & DH got, we came down with it 24 hours later, at the same time, so we’re incapable of looking after her. My parents took her for a bit, as a first time parent I didn’t know about the 48 hour rule, they came down with it 24 hours later.
It’s just not worth it sometimes, no one wants to be ill at this time of year.

In the nicest way you need to get over the awkwardness and develop a backbone else give up on this group. You are right in that she was being unreasonable but she's a CF and will continue to do so unless someone challenges her behaviour. Next times there a meet up and she pulls this stunt, mention that last time your kid got sick so you'd rather she didn't. It's actually irresponsible of her and her poor kid would have been better off resting at home than dragged out.

You can also see on here how views are so polarising, plenty of parents will say they would have been stuck at home if they never went out with their kids having a cold. Judgement is everything though if the kid has a snotty nose only then fair enough but if it has a fever coupled with a cough then stay at home.

I don't think you're BU at all as they should have stayed home. I hate this too.

My SIL took her babies out to cafe when had scarlet fever and had been kept in hospital few days prior.

Hope you feel better soon!

It looks like I'm more relaxed than most about this but I don't see the harm in socialising with someone who has a cold. I tend to think if something is going round I'll either get it or not, just from being in shops, public transport, work etc.

You had the chance to graciously accept her offer to not come. You didn't take it so how was she to know? I'm surprised to see the level of hatred directed at this woman by some people on the thread, calling her neglectful, a cow, cruel. Do the people saying that have any idea what neglect or child cruelty really looks like? Hint: it's not taking a baby with a cold to a child centric social event. Just reply next time "Thanks so much for letting us know, sorry to miss you this time and hopefully see you at the next one".

I'd normally say YANBU, I hate people who do this. In this instance YABU because the others didn't care so you should've been the one to stay at home if you didn't want to risk it. I think people fall into one camp or another and these probably 'aren't your people'. I had someone in my group like this too who wanted to bring her baby who had covid and I was like no thanks. She's not one of the ones that I've stayed long term friends with!

I happily set the precedent of "sick = stay home" during antenatal when I didn't show up with raging cold.

I find breastfeeding very useful in cold season - my FIL wanted a cuddle last weekend in spite of coughing and sneezing. I sat as far away as possible and nudged my son into keeping feeding until they left!

Surely you just say no if it’s an illness and yes come if it’s a mild cold or a cough which is a week post illness

Yes this on you to say no, we don’t want the illness, please don’t come.

Also be honest with the group. Say we are on day 4 of their illness and it’s been awful, no sleep, clingy nightmare.

I think it’s particularly selfish pre Christmas. The number of people she will have infected going about her usual life will be high.

YANBU, but also you knew her child was ill and you still went. And now you have fairly predictably caught the illness. Her behaviour is selfish, but some people just are, and you can't change it. All you can do is say "sorry your DC is ill, I think we'll give it a miss as we don't want to catch anything". And maybe after you've said that once, the other people might feel more comfortable saying it next time, as it's possible they're just agreeing because they don't want to be rude and tell her to stay home.

You’ll have to get used to it. We frequently got ill a couple of days after going to our baby/ toddler group, to the point where we stopped going on the weeks when we had other events that I didn’t want to miss coming up later that week.

I agree with you OP, she shouldn’t have come along with the child. I probably would still have gone like you did because why should you miss out but I think I would have messaged back beforehand and gone against the grain by saying she shouldn’t bring the baby if they’re that unwell just in case it changed her mind. I think I’d also message her and the group now and say you’ve all caught it and are all really ill so next time can we not come if kids are sick. It might make her feel a little shame. Is anyone else who went along ill?