Page 7 | Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

Bormalife · 2023-12-09T07:04:42+00:00

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2023 09:21

YANBU since you gave 2 weeks notice that you couldn’t make it without bringing dc. Not like you waited same day or the day before.

It’s more than plenty of notice for a casual lunch.

Having had friends cancel due to childcare, I rather them bring their child along than cancel. Changes the dynamic , sure, but not to a degree I don’t want to see a friend.

If friend is not usually like this, I would be wondering if their sabbatical is effecting them in some way.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 09/12/2023 09:22

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 09/12/2023 08:50

Am I the only one who can’t work out the original plan?

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You're far from the only one who can't work it out! & that post did nothing to 'clarify'

i think there's something @Bormalife hasn't mention because for her it's just the norm or obvious. Except to us, it's not.

i need coffee!!

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 09:22

Tbh, if a friend of mine can’t or doesn’t want to meet up with me for any reason, I’d rather they cancel/rearrange for another time. Who wants to spend time with someone that actually can’t (and has done stuff that now makes their life more difficult to be able to) or doesn’t want to meet up?

Original poster

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:23

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:20

This is something the OP is strangely reticent to confirm. No mention of the lunch date having to be moved because she is now working on that day, only mention of her not being child free on the day agreed months ago.

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@Walkaround please read my posts. I’ve explained that many times.

OP posts:

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:24

@Bormalife - no you have not. Did you or did you not have to move the date of your lunch? And have you or have you not changed the days your child is in nursery? Because you imply both are fixed in stone.

Spinet · 09/12/2023 09:25

I think when somebody says 'I wanted to see you without the baby' it puts your back up because what they're really doing is showing that they don't understand/care that you come as a package now. They appear not to understand the complexities of balancing work, the baby, and your personal enrichment or if they do understand they think they have a right to decide how you should use the time you have because their desire not to spend an afternoon with your baby trumps your convenience or wishes, or your baby's.

I didn't understand any of this before I had kids either tbh, and now they are growing up it is a hazy memory -- maybe you should spell it out.

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 09:25

Pinkpinkpink15 · 09/12/2023 09:22

You're far from the only one who can't work it out! & that post did nothing to 'clarify'

i think there's something @Bormalife hasn't mention because for her it's just the norm or obvious. Except to us, it's not.

i need coffee!!

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Sounds like OP no longer has a child free day off a week because she’s having to work that day. So the only free day she now has is the day she has DC with her.

so, the OP explained herself badly in original post - it’s not that childcare fell through. It’s that work has ramped up and she no longer has a day off child free.

muggart · 09/12/2023 09:25

I'd be annoyed in your position too. It seems that some people don't understand that new work deadlines or projects can come up and that you can't just opt out of doing them!

You've given her 2 weeks notice, have offered multiple alternatives and are canceling for reasons outside your control. There's no need for her to be nasty about it.

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2023 09:25

Pancakehut · 09/12/2023 08:59

I’m not sure what is so difficult to understand..

OP works (let’s say) Mon, Tues and Wed
Thurs she has the day off but her child is normally at nursery
Fri she doesn’t work either, but her child is normally with her

Lunch with friend booked for Thurs, child at nursery, no work so all good

She now has to work on Thursday so can’t move the lunch to Fri as the nursery doesn’t have space to have her child and the friend wants a child free lunch

So this I understand - thanks @Pancakehut

However @Bormalife , if the friend catch up was always arranged to be on the 'Thursday' when your DC is at nursery, you now have to cancel the lunch date with friend due to increased workload............. It's nothing to do with childcare so why are you framing it like that?

'dear friend I can no longer make our Thursday lunch date as I now have to work that day. Really sorry, work is crazy at the moment. I can do any Thursday in Jan........'

amidsummernightsdream · 09/12/2023 09:26

@Bormalife you havent explained fully, hence so many people being confused.

Were you changing the date of the lunch or sticking to the original lunch date and bringing your child?

Original poster

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:26

Pipsquiggle · 09/12/2023 09:25

So this I understand - thanks @Pancakehut

However @Bormalife , if the friend catch up was always arranged to be on the 'Thursday' when your DC is at nursery, you now have to cancel the lunch date with friend due to increased workload............. It's nothing to do with childcare so why are you framing it like that?

'dear friend I can no longer make our Thursday lunch date as I now have to work that day. Really sorry, work is crazy at the moment. I can do any Thursday in Jan........'

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@Pipsquiggle yes that’s exactly how I explained it to my friend and said the only other day I had dc so I could bring them or move to another week in January when the project is finished

OP posts:

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:27

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:24

@Bormalife - no you have not. Did you or did you not have to move the date of your lunch? And have you or have you not changed the days your child is in nursery? Because you imply both are fixed in stone.

(Fixed in stone or must move to January).

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 09:28

Spinet · 09/12/2023 09:25

I think when somebody says 'I wanted to see you without the baby' it puts your back up because what they're really doing is showing that they don't understand/care that you come as a package now. They appear not to understand the complexities of balancing work, the baby, and your personal enrichment or if they do understand they think they have a right to decide how you should use the time you have because their desire not to spend an afternoon with your baby trumps your convenience or wishes, or your baby's.

I didn't understand any of this before I had kids either tbh, and now they are growing up it is a hazy memory -- maybe you should spell it out.

This. In my opinion, a good friend understands that your life has been turned upside down (which is what having a baby does to your life), you’re a single mother, with a demanding job - why isn’t she coming closer to you so you can only leave DC with your parents for the lunch time? Why on top of all the pressures you have in you life, you have to TRAVEL to meet a friend who throws a strop when you give her 2 WEEKS notice your circumstances have changed and, didn’t cancel, but will have to bring baby with you.

what a self centred friend you have

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:30

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:26

@Pipsquiggle yes that’s exactly how I explained it to my friend and said the only other day I had dc so I could bring them or move to another week in January when the project is finished

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I really don’t see what would have been so difficult in stating from the start that work commitments meant you had to change the day of the lunch, rather than creating a massively complicated and irrelevant story about childcare.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 09/12/2023 09:32

Your friend is being a total twat, you have explained numerous times (can’t understand why people aren’t grasping it) that you now have to work on that day, your friend lives a further distance away and naturally you don’t feel comfortable leaving your parents for the full day with baby.. could be for a number of reasons, I don’t see the big deal of you bringing baby with you tbh.

your friend is being selfish and thinking of herself, acting like a child and I don’t blame you for questioning the friendship. You’re a lone parent and hats off to you for trying your absolute best!

also OP has explained in her line of work she can’t just say “sorry I have plans that day” she’s mentioned that she has to take on the extra work load as part of the job.

your friend should be more understanding, you’ve offered to move it over to a different date & offered to bring baby with you if need be.. you couldn’t be more reasonable if you tried🤷‍♀️

Original poster

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:33

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:30

I really don’t see what would have been so difficult in stating from the start that work commitments meant you had to change the day of the lunch, rather than creating a massively complicated and irrelevant story about childcare.

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@Walkaround because the part my friend can’t accept is that I can’t put dc in childcare on the other day

OP posts:

Charlize43 · 09/12/2023 09:33

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:20

This is something the OP is strangely reticent to confirm. No mention of the lunch date having to be moved because she is now working on that day, only mention of her not being child free on the day agreed months ago.

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Yes, this is the feeling I am getting: It seems she wants to blame the childless, sabbatical enjoying friend and make her seem unreasonable to the point of 'questioning the friendship' for what seems like failings on the OP's part.

I still find it odd that childcare provision wouldn't have been organised first before making the lunch date with friend?

NewFriendlyLadybird · 09/12/2023 09:33

Not sure I understand. How was your child being looked after in the original arrangement?
If your parents would be OK with it I don’t see why they couldn’t look after them. At 11 months and experience of being away from you I can’t see that it would be an issue.
It does sound as if you have siezed too quickly on this as an excuse to cancel.

amidsummernightsdream · 09/12/2023 09:33

@Aydahayda @Spinet
while I agree with everything you’ve said, if the OP is always like this and expects friend to change plans, I can see why friend would be unhappy. Especially as by her own admission she told her bluntly.

I think how awkward she is being on this thread is quite telling actually.

Original poster

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:34

NewFriendlyLadybird · 09/12/2023 09:33

Not sure I understand. How was your child being looked after in the original arrangement?
If your parents would be OK with it I don’t see why they couldn’t look after them. At 11 months and experience of being away from you I can’t see that it would be an issue.
It does sound as if you have siezed too quickly on this as an excuse to cancel.

@NewFriendlyLadybird

we are several pages in. Please read my posts before commenting!

OP posts:

Onelifeonly · 09/12/2023 09:35

I think some posters are being mean. Two weeks is fair notice and you offered to rearrange in January. Maybe you could have been more apologetic since you say you weren't particularly, but otherwise it's your friend who is being unreasonable. Especially as if she has a year off work, it should be easy to find an alternative date.

If this is a long term friend though, I wouldn't question the friendship. People do get upset from time to time. Years ago my closest friend cancelled on me and I got very upset. She had a good reason too, but I was just very disappointed. Seems silly now, and we are still good friends and never cancel on each other unless it is an impossible situation.

I have another long term friend who often cancels. With her it is supposedly health related. She doesn't have any serious health issues and never has had, but claims to suffer from fatigue, so I give her the benefit of the doubt. Any arrangement we make, I am always aware she could cancel at the last minute. Usually she doesn't but it has happened a lot. I still value the friendship and accept its limitations.

Let her calm down, then suggest some new dates.

wishingiwas20something · 09/12/2023 09:37

11 month old fine with parents all day - surely you’d generally leave them in daycare for full days if working? What’s the difference?

Walkaround · 09/12/2023 09:39

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 09:33

@Walkaround because the part my friend can’t accept is that I can’t put dc in childcare on the other day

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@Bormalife - are you sure that’s the nub of the matter? As this thread shows, it is very easy to create misunderstandings by explaining things very badly.

Spinet · 09/12/2023 09:43

@amidsummernightsdream I don't know what the OP is like. As far as I'm concerned though, anyone with a kid under 3 is likely to need me to work around them if I want to socialise with them. That goes double for a single parent. And if I were on sabbatical and could choose exactly what I did with my time and I was keen not to have to set eyes on my friend's baby, I would offer to come to them one evening with a takeaway rather than expect them to arrange their week and their kid's week around me. Friendship is meant to make life better not more difficult.

SS1983 · 09/12/2023 09:44

Could you swap your original day off to another (when you usually work and child is in nursery)

i get it, I used my collected annual leave from mat leave for a day off each week in my first year back and sometimes had to cancel, so it is annual leave (if that is what you are indeed doing)