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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed I have no childcare?

230 replies

Bormalife · 09/12/2023 07:04

Booked a Christmas style lunch at informal venue. No deposits. Friend is a currently braking a year off sabbatical which started in July. Anyway, two weeks before the day I realise I am under huge pressure with a work project. I have had to work extra days for this and it’s meant my one child free day was now a work day for the next few weeks, leaving me with one day off with dc. I can’t book an extra day in nursery as they don’t have space and I have no partner and don’t feel comfortable leaving dc with parents for a full day, she’s 11 months. Friend is now very annoyed, lots of passive aggressive comments that she wanted to meet without dc… ive explained the situation and offered to re arrange to jan. AIBU to think this is uncalled for? I’m really questioning the friendship.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 09/12/2023 09:46

wishingiwas20something · 09/12/2023 09:37

11 month old fine with parents all day - surely you’d generally leave them in daycare for full days if working? What’s the difference?

Do you know OP's parents then? Better than OP? Because she's said that she can't leave the baby all day with them (for reasons unknown, but I can think of many good reasons and the op is entitled to keep her reasoning private), but you're confidently stating that she can?

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2023 09:47

Sleepygrumpyandnothappy · 09/12/2023 08:50

Am I the only one who can’t work out the original plan?

Show quote history

No, me too and usually I’m good with it tbh

JessicaBrassica · 09/12/2023 09:48

Could you not work the Friday, but work from home with your mum in the house to look after DC and keep your original lunch date? Has work dictated which non-working day you have to give up to facilitate the project?

Alternatively can your friend travel closer to you for lunch so you have less travelling and your parents have DC for a shorter time?
If it's a really long way to travel for her, can she stay over with you and you get an evening at home once DC is in bed?

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 09:49

Spinet · 09/12/2023 09:43

@amidsummernightsdream I don't know what the OP is like. As far as I'm concerned though, anyone with a kid under 3 is likely to need me to work around them if I want to socialise with them. That goes double for a single parent. And if I were on sabbatical and could choose exactly what I did with my time and I was keen not to have to set eyes on my friend's baby, I would offer to come to them one evening with a takeaway rather than expect them to arrange their week and their kid's week around me. Friendship is meant to make life better not more difficult.

This sums it up

lemonsandlimesx · 09/12/2023 09:50

Why can't OP just bring her baby. Sorry this would be a deal breaker for me.
A lunch where you have to drive there and back a long way is hardly going to escalate to a boozy dance off. An 11 month old is hard work but it's just one baby. In an informal setting. You've offered alternatives or to bring your child. Your friend is being a dick

Aydahayda · 09/12/2023 09:51

JessicaBrassica · 09/12/2023 09:48

Could you not work the Friday, but work from home with your mum in the house to look after DC and keep your original lunch date? Has work dictated which non-working day you have to give up to facilitate the project?

Alternatively can your friend travel closer to you for lunch so you have less travelling and your parents have DC for a shorter time?
If it's a really long way to travel for her, can she stay over with you and you get an evening at home once DC is in bed?

Have you tried working whilst looking after an 11 month old? It doesn’t work

lemonsandlimesx · 09/12/2023 09:52

foxy123 · 09/12/2023 08:24

You're a single, working mother to an 11 month old! A lot of people would still be on mat leave but you're trying to juggle new motherhood, working and friendship. Your friend on the other hand who has had 6 months off work, with another 6 to go is being completely unreasonable. You can't do everything, friend should understand this.

This.

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2023 09:56

Now I worked it out: OP has to work on an original lunch day, just this and nothing more. OP still has another work free day but doesn’t have childcare on this work free day hence can’t move lunch there. The next time she is available with available child care is January but her friend is not happy about waiting until January.
I think your friend is unreasonable if you have emergency at work - you have emergency at work. In what world you would decline work because you had to go for a lunch with your friend?

wishingiwas20something · 09/12/2023 09:57

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/12/2023 09:46

Do you know OP's parents then? Better than OP? Because she's said that she can't leave the baby all day with them (for reasons unknown, but I can think of many good reasons and the op is entitled to keep her reasoning private), but you're confidently stating that she can?

Show quote history

An 11-month old that has been attending daycare regularly (looked after by a mix of strangers) - would generally be fine looked after by grandparents. Depends if they have any major incapacities, but OP doesn’t mention them?

Xtraincome · 09/12/2023 09:57

Bring parents and DC, set them up with something local - soft play? Then it will sort the mum guilt and friend guilt. Next time though, assess whether you actually want to do social stuff to avoid cancellations last minute.

I remember having babies and only wanting to do social things which really really made it worth it for me.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 09/12/2023 10:02

@wishingiwas20something they are paid professionals to look after children though? You don’t know OPs parents or even the type of relationship she has with them.. they may have health conditions which would mean having the child for long periods isn’t an option, OP not feeling comfortable should be a valid enough reason tbh! Maybe her parents wouldn’t agree to a full day of childcare? There’s a lot of reasons why..

just because they are family doesn’t always mean they should be more trusted then the nursery the child already goes to!

XjustagirlX · 09/12/2023 10:05

I understand the example
mon tue wed - you work and child in nursery
thur - day off but child in nursery (original lunch day)
fri - day off with child

Due to a huge influx of work I have had to postpone my annual leave in December (where I had been having the two days off a week). So this implies you are having to work now both Thur and Fri.

if you are working both Thur and Fri in December due to the project, who is looking after your child on Fridays when they are not usually in nursery? Are you working from home with a child? But if you are having to work both days then you can’t meet for lunch any way due to work commitments.

However people are getting confused because later on in your replies you mentioned you could either bring your child with you or move the date to January on a Thursday without your child. Suggesting that you in fact only have to work one day the Thursday and you could bring your child and meet on Friday instead.

if you are only having to work one day say Thursday then I would explain to work that you will work from home the Friday instead but due to childcare, your child will be with you and you will do the best you can. Not sure what you do so might not be possible.

so you either

  1. have to work both Thur and Fri - but you mentioned you could bring your child with you?? or
  2. you only have to work one day Thursday - try and switch your workday to the Friday.
M103 · 09/12/2023 10:07

YANBU. You cancelled two weeks before, not two hours.

surreygirl1987 · 09/12/2023 10:13

I would be reconsidering a friendship with someone who wants to purposefully make me feel shit over something I can’t really help.

But she can help it can't she? This is the point.

Spinet · 09/12/2023 10:15

Xtraincome · 09/12/2023 09:57

Bring parents and DC, set them up with something local - soft play? Then it will sort the mum guilt and friend guilt. Next time though, assess whether you actually want to do social stuff to avoid cancellations last minute.

I remember having babies and only wanting to do social things which really really made it worth it for me.

I think it's great that you could (presumably) do this. But although when my kids were small I did have some limited parental help I could never in a billion years have asked for this type of favour. Just asking would have upended the balance of relationships and arrangements my end. This is why I tend to just take the word of people who say they can't arrange childcare - people's lives are complicated and you shouldn't assume it's easy for them to do work arounds.

XjustagirlX · 09/12/2023 10:23

you focussed on the childcare being an issue instead of the work commitment. You probably feel that this is the issue coming between your friendship being that she doesn’t want to see you with your child.

but honestly I also have an 11 month old and it really does change the dynamic. You can’t chat because the baby needs your attention and wants to crawl around on the floor so you chase them constantly. I wouldn’t want to drive a long way to get half of someone’s attention. most different if you both have babies.

do work know that you have Thursdays off without your child? What if your child wasn’t in nursery, how would you have been able to work? A lesson to everyone not to tell work that you have a child free non work day!

XjustagirlX · 09/12/2023 10:25

If you genuinely can’t switch to work on Friday with parent babysitting and you wfh then meeting in January is probably best.

SandyWaves · 09/12/2023 10:35

You said you could do it in January, I don't see the problem and she's being unreasonable. I sometimes can't do things because I don't have childcare..its not an excuse but a genuine issue. Friends should understand and not make you feel guilty.

Peach0123 · 09/12/2023 10:39

@Bormalife honestly can't believe some of the replies on here 🤣

Does your friend have young DC of her own? Just asking as it sounds perfectly reasonable to let her know 2 WEEKS in advance that as a lone parent who has to now work on this day. It's not like you are saying cancel, just change the date. Totally understand that not everyone is in a position to leave DC with family for many reasons or make the nursery take a baby when there's no space.

There is nothing you can do really, leave the date change/ closer to you or bring DC as options for her. Yes it's nice to have a child free catch up but this is your life at the moment and if she can't accept that, you cannot make her understand the juggling of priorities. What options has friend came up with? FWIW I have an 11 month old and it's bloody hard work sometimes fitting everything in. So no YANBU at all.

Zoreos · 09/12/2023 10:40

IMO if you have a friend that has young children and you book to do anything you always run the risk of things being cancelled or changed as young children as lovely as they are, they’re always prone to illness. What with them being the little germ factories that they are. Lack of childcare is also a common problem for a lot of people you see it all the time on these boards. Throw in a job that’s high pressure and high work load which I think if you’re not in a role like that or know people who are then other people won’t be able to understand. I think if you put the shoe on the other foot then people wouldn’t readily tell their employer “not my circus, not my monkeys” as much as posters will like to tell you they would. In reality, would they fuck. If your friend is being difficult with this lunch knowing you’ve got a young child and is being passive aggressive about you bringing them I’d cut my losses and tell them to whistle. I can’t be dealing with the petty, passive aggressive attitude of some people it’s so immature. It’s not hard to have empathy for people, people just love being awkward and dramatic. I do honestly believe many people thrive off of it. It’s annoying not being able to have lunch child free but it’s life. The fact she’s pushing back so hard about you bringing DC would really put me off them. They know your circumstances and you’ll always be a mum first before anything else. It's just poor form on their part in my books. I do say this as a person who has a teenager and not many childcare issues (I count my blessings here) and am friends people with young DC who share the same sorts of problems as yourself OP. I’ve also been you when my DC we’re small. We’ve had to have lunch unexpectedly with friends children but you deal with it graciously because you love your friends in life and friends understand.

Onelifeonly · 09/12/2023 11:14

When you have a child, social life comes second, however much you might want to see your friends as often as before. Friend needs to get real. I presume they are childless? In any case, anyone can cancel a planned date for any reason and they won't necessarily be honest as to why that is. OP has been honest and has offered other options.

wishingiwas20something · 09/12/2023 11:51

CrazyHedgehogLover · 09/12/2023 10:02

@wishingiwas20something they are paid professionals to look after children though? You don’t know OPs parents or even the type of relationship she has with them.. they may have health conditions which would mean having the child for long periods isn’t an option, OP not feeling comfortable should be a valid enough reason tbh! Maybe her parents wouldn’t agree to a full day of childcare? There’s a lot of reasons why..

just because they are family doesn’t always mean they should be more trusted then the nursery the child already goes to!

Yes - I did say any major incapacities could render them unsuitable. Obviously I’ve no context for their closeness or competency! Most grandparents I know might have outdated knowledge, but are by and large very safe pairs of hands. Apart from my FIL, wouldn’t trust him with our cat. 😬

RockStarship · 09/12/2023 12:24

The replies on here are ridiculous. The situation regarding work/childcare is completely understandable. The fact is that OP has had work commitments come up that means she has had to give 2 weeks notice to her friend that she will either have her dd with her or move the date to January. It's literally not a big deal. The friend has been offered two alternative options to meet up and has declined both of them. OP isn't the problem here. It's an unfortunate situation but it's not the end of the world. There is no evidence to suggest OP is repeatedly flakey or that she's lying to her friend. Sometimes shit happens and people have to adjust to the new circumstances.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 12:27

Does your friend have children? I’m guessing not.
If you can’t, you can’t. I’d understand.

cantbecaught · 09/12/2023 12:27

I think you're getting a hard time. You can't help the situation and I don't think you are being at all unreasonable

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