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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
thelastrose · 09/12/2023 01:13

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:27

@MrsPerfect12 No. My doorbell rang as I had a food delivery. He heard the doorbell through the phone too, so he knew I wasn't lying.

I said I had to go and been weighing up options all night. I think I got suckered into the whole 'I will be losing my home/kids won't be able to go to school' stuff - hence why I'm glad I came on here. But will be saying no tomorrow.

Edited
Show quote history

But you did say in a previous post:

I suspect this person will go off the radar now too, since I didn't give it to him.

Which does suggest you've already said no.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:14

So I wrote back. Said no but wished him luck and said that I hoped he would get it all sorted out. Granted; it's late so he might not see it until the morning. But I suspect that's that... and I won't hear from him again.

Actually; it'll go one of two ways. He will either push back - or he will completely disappear.

If he really is that desperate then I suspect he will have to make some changes to his life. I think the crux of it is that he just doesn't want to - or doesn't feel he deserves to makes any changes.

P.S. Just out of curiosity - Can someone let me know how a hardship fund works? A PP mentioned it. Does it keep you going for a term? If he hasn't done that, then maybe that's what he needs to do.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:16

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:42

@EmmaEmerald That's the worst of the worst as it shows they've been thinking about your father financially and weighing up their 'options' and justifying their requests. I hope your father cut them off.

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Yes, it's creepy isn't it?

Dad had a very wide circle of friends/acquaintances, they were part of it, so he didn't cut them off but one drifted off a bit after being told no. I just think it's so sad, dad was very upset and knew he was ill though he kept it private and died about a year after. So he had this from "friends" while knowing that he had a shit time ahead of him.

i said to mum, I'm surprised they didn't come sniffing round us after probate was granted.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:17

thelastrose · 09/12/2023 01:13

But you did say in a previous post:

I suspect this person will go off the radar now too, since I didn't give it to him.

Which does suggest you've already said no.

Show quote history

@thelastrose We posted at the same time. 😁 (See my post just under yours).

Exactly. I didn't give it to him. We simply had a phone call about it. I had to get off the phone anyway - and even after the call I didn't give him the money. No conversation on the phone (or off the phone afterwards) was had about 'send me your bank details' or anything.

I did just message him saying I couldn't help him and that I hoped he could get it all sorted out. So luckily it never got so far down the line that he was expecting a 'yes' or got a 'yes'.

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 09/12/2023 01:20

I was once in a very difficult situation and did ask a very good friend if she would loan me £2000. She did, and I paid her back every month, felt humiliated and grateful at the same time. She trusted me and knew I would pay it back. So I would also forward this to someone I could trust and is in need but not the amount you're talking about.

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:20

I do wish probate wasn't a matter of public record, for reasons like this. All the stories here are so sad.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:21

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:20

I do wish probate wasn't a matter of public record, for reasons like this. All the stories here are so sad.

@EmmaEmerald I second this. It's awful, isn't it. It feels icky and intrusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:27

Jeannie88 · 09/12/2023 01:20

I was once in a very difficult situation and did ask a very good friend if she would loan me £2000. She did, and I paid her back every month, felt humiliated and grateful at the same time. She trusted me and knew I would pay it back. So I would also forward this to someone I could trust and is in need but not the amount you're talking about.

I do think people can/do pay friends back, but I also think there are too many horror stories. You are obviously a true/good friend - and your friend is too. Your friend obviously trusted you - and still does.😀

There are people I would lend money to, but very few. This friend had never asked me before - and we have been friends for over 10 years, which is why I thought hard about it.

Plus he was saying he needed it for his mortgage/children - and that he needed it... basically yesterday, so the pressure was on.

So whilst he might have been desperate, as many PPs on here said, he had a job that he voluntarily quit. Had he not have quit, he would not be in this position. He also has a home, car, etc... but wasn't willing to make any reasonable changes to his life - and chose to ask a friend 'because they don't have kids'.

OP posts:
Biscofffans · 09/12/2023 01:32

OP you’re right not to help this man. As you rightly point out he has voluntarily given up his job so he has put himself in that position to pursue his dream. Fine but that was his decision and you shouldn’t have to fund it.

His kids are not your responsibility, they’re his and he should’ve thought about school fees before. Also there’s a decent chance he won’t have the money to pay you back…ever.

The fact he thinks because you don’t have kids you should spend huge amounts on his is really disrespectful.

If he pushes back he has no respect for your boundaries and if he disappears he’s clearly a user.

wjpa · 09/12/2023 01:36

Dh granny left him £15k
soon afterwards we had a relative on the phone wanting a “loan” of £15k
people show their true colours in these situations

said no

op you absolutely must say no

this guy buttered you up and was underhand.
id never speak to him again

Tinkerbyebye · 09/12/2023 01:37

Why are they assuming to will get money? Or have money?

just say sorry I don’t have any money so cant lend it to you. He can go back and find a paid job

user1492757084 · 09/12/2023 01:38

Send text ..
No, sorry the estate is unavailable for years and I am very uncomfortable to lend. Try a bank.

Don't take offence but please don't ask again.

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:42

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:11

This is what I don't understand. Unless the business is going to 'take off' suddenly before next term, I don't see how this is going to work long-term.

Show quote history

Actually the desperation, and the oddity of this, makes me wonder if there's more to it. Like massive debt or a crypto thing that went wrong. Or he got sacked for a big thing that damages his work record.

If you get pushback, you might have to harden your heart. I really hope this doesn't happen.

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2023 01:43

My mum and I had a fraught relationship and a) there was a lot less than she had been telling people and b) she put most of it in a trust for my brother (golden child) and it was like lemon juice in my emotional paper cuts. I had flown from the other side of the world to nurse her at the expense of my kids and husband so many times. (And at our financial cost too) I nursed her for her final couple of months and frankly, she didn’t mellow.When my she died, I had relatives circling like vultures. Even calling at 2am so they could be certain that they “didn’t miss me”. All of this was couched as “business opportunities” as though they were offering MEa favour.

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:46

Tinkerbyebye · 09/12/2023 01:37

Why are they assuming to will get money? Or have money?

just say sorry I don’t have any money so cant lend it to you. He can go back and find a paid job

Unfortunately wills and probate are public documents. I think you pay a very small fee to get a copy. It's why journos can report so easily. It ought to be stopped.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:47

wjpa · 09/12/2023 01:36

Dh granny left him £15k
soon afterwards we had a relative on the phone wanting a “loan” of £15k
people show their true colours in these situations

said no

op you absolutely must say no

this guy buttered you up and was underhand.
id never speak to him again

So sorry to hear this and for your loss. This makes me wonder if they knew the exact amount because of public records. Can't have been a sheer coincidence. As @EmmaEmerald said too, I hate that records like this are open to all.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:48

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:46

Unfortunately wills and probate are public documents. I think you pay a very small fee to get a copy. It's why journos can report so easily. It ought to be stopped.

Show quote history

Ha. Posted at same time! Agreed! It shouldn't be allowed. Wills should be sealed.

OP posts:
Junemoon222 · 09/12/2023 01:54

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:54

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 01:42

Actually the desperation, and the oddity of this, makes me wonder if there's more to it. Like massive debt or a crypto thing that went wrong. Or he got sacked for a big thing that damages his work record.

If you get pushback, you might have to harden your heart. I really hope this doesn't happen.

Show quote history

@EmmaEmerald I think he had used up all lines of credit - was behind on all debtors. He couldn't borrow against anything and maybe he was already behind on mortgage payments/fees. That, or yes; something else has happened. I know he didn't get sacked or anything, but I think he needed a massive cash injection. That said; these situations are often a vicious cycle. He hated the commute into London (from Surrey) and wanted to pursue something different so he could WFH, but the London/consistent salary would have meant he wouldn't be in this situation.

OP posts:
Biscofffans · 09/12/2023 01:56

And also I’d advise against suggesting alternative money sources for him, because really that’s for him to think about and decide . He was a high earner and is starting a business. I’m sure he is reasonably financially savvy and knows where to apply for loans etc . Your response to him was good - continue to just stick with a basic and flat NO, irrespective of what he comes back with. Do not get sucked into trying to figure out this problem he created for himself.

If you start suggesting ways for him
to Get the money, it only invites him to tell you all the reasons why getting money from X or Y isn’t possible and basically batting it back to you since he will claim you are the “only option’.

Don’t allow his money issues to be a topic of conversation at all ever again. Steer the conversation away firmly.

Also keep an eye on him, he seems a bit selfish and focused on his own needs to the detriment of your welfare / friendship. It doesn’t reflect well on him that he even asked.

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2023 01:56

Oooh…. I forgot to mention that at my mother’s funeral, her long-term gardener. (Aka lame duck that charged her an arm and a leg for blowing leaves from one side of her driveway to the other and back again and doing fuck all else) asked me “What time are WE going to the lawyer to have the will read?” As though he was family and we lived in an American soap opera. I told him he was tacky and that if he had been named in the will, he would have known by now. He got shitty and left.

Junemoon222 · 09/12/2023 01:56

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

Middleagedmeangirls · 09/12/2023 01:57

I had something similar with a sibling recently. They asked to borrow a near 6 figure sum. My response was a shocked laugh and "I don't have that kind of money to lend'. Which was absolutely the truth. I could have access to that level of cash but it's not for risking or lending. My sibling managed to raise the money in other ways.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:59

This reply has been deleted

We're afraid we don't believe that the OP is genuine so we've removed their threads and posts.

True. In the US, you can go to the courthouse yourself (with ID) and get a copy that way. So it's not technically sealed, but not available to all via a quick Google search and £10 fee. If you don't live in the US, you can send a representative for you. This doesn't apply to my situation as my relative lived in the UK, but just an example of how things are done differently in different countries/jurisdictions.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 02:02

Fraaahnces · 09/12/2023 01:56

Oooh…. I forgot to mention that at my mother’s funeral, her long-term gardener. (Aka lame duck that charged her an arm and a leg for blowing leaves from one side of her driveway to the other and back again and doing fuck all else) asked me “What time are WE going to the lawyer to have the will read?” As though he was family and we lived in an American soap opera. I told him he was tacky and that if he had been named in the will, he would have known by now. He got shitty and left.

I'm very sorry for your loss. That is utterly shameful. We had people asking about the will/estate/belongings less than 24 hours after my relative passed and people offering 'their contact information' in case we needed to contact them. They were thinking they were in for a nice sum - and they weren't even family. We also had people 'checking in' and 'offering help with the will'.

A few weeks later people would 'check in' and ask if we 'needed them'. Needless to say, they backed off once they realised they weren't getting anything... but it took a long time for all of that to stop.

Agreed! They often think it's like an episode of 'Succession'. No. Real life is nothing like US dramas.

OP posts:
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