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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
TomeTome · 08/12/2023 23:38

Absolutely not. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Send a text saying you won’t be lending any money to anyone, and block him. People can be absolutely ghastly.

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2023 23:39

I don't lend money and keep repeating. If he is that hard up his kids can move out of public school

VWT5 · 08/12/2023 23:40

Please just don’t op.
And don’t give him any more thought at all, don’t let it occupy your headspace.
I feel angry on your behalf (after an aquaintance asked to visit me for coffee when I was bereaved - but then asked me for money to start a business)

And another who wanted a significant loan to fund a lifestyle that I would never be able live myself.

Please look after yourself. You can say no, don’t give reasons.
(or if you want, it can be “inaccessible, in my pension”

CrotchetyQuaver · 08/12/2023 23:40

I'm astonished he had the bare faced cheek to ring up and ask you. Please don't lend him the money, he sounds a right chancer, I wouldn't be confident he'd repay it.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/12/2023 23:43

I cannot believe the cheek of him. What a total scrounger, and a terrible father by the sounds of it. Do not give him a penny!!

LittleGreenDragons · 08/12/2023 23:43

He wants money? Tell him to ask for his old job back. That should help pay a couple of bills.
(after jacking in a £120k + London city job)

KeiraKnightley2 · 08/12/2023 23:43

A friend of 20 years did this to my mum recently. When she didn't give the loan (having loaned her before!) stopped speaking to her.

I think my mum made the right decision. The friend offered to pay it back within 10 years!

Circumferences · 08/12/2023 23:46

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks....
That's your gut telling you the truth.

It's his choice to send his kids to private school. He can equally choose to save money and move schools.

What does his wife make of his begging requests???

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 08/12/2023 23:48

People who are this desperate for money that they call somebody grieving in the hope that they will be easily manipulated are usually in a debt spiral. He has obviously made some terrible financial decisions so far without having money set aside for expensive things.

I can almost guarantee this money will be sucked into this spiral and you won't ever get it back. What is he personally doing to turn things around giving that the business is very likely going bust? If the business was sound he could raise the money from a bank or other financial institution. I work in a related area and see this sort of thing on a regular basis. He is an utter disgrace and no friend.

noooooooo · 08/12/2023 23:48

Maybe he can see if there’s any pawn shops wanting a set of giant brass balls to hang outside cos he’s apparently got a pair.

You don’t need to give a reason, he already knows the reason, fucking hell.

ChateauDuMont · 08/12/2023 23:49

The man is DESPICABLE.

He is preying on you whilst fully knowing you are vulnerable at this time.

I beseech you to not give him a penny and go block him out of your life completely.

His language is manipulative and no real friend would approach you in this manner.

The money isn't even for anything life saving, just his own personal gain.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 08/12/2023 23:49

Well, that would be the end of the friendship, for me.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2023 23:49

Say No.

That's it.

No excuse or reason needed.

He left his job, started a business, has a mortgage and children in private school, that is all immaterial, you have some money and you do not need to lend or give it to anyone.

The man is a total cheeky fucker!

mrsfollowill · 08/12/2023 23:49

Dear God- what a scrounging cunt! I hope you have blown him out of the water.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 08/12/2023 23:49

Absolutely do not give him a penny.Once that’s gone and he needs more he will be straight back at your door.He dropped a job without a proper set up to go to and not thought of finances of an income with large financial responsibilities.

SomeCatFromJapan · 08/12/2023 23:50

Give this parasite nothing.
I am sorry for your loss.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2023 23:50

This would end my friendship, for me too.

I also think his comment that you are lucky not to have children is a massively rude and inappropriate thing to say.

FannyFifer · 08/12/2023 23:51

Do not under any circumstances give this chancing bastard a single penny. He is absolutely not a friend.

boscabosco · 08/12/2023 23:51

he really thinks you are an idiot, you are not... tell him to fuck right off.

TheMousePipes · 08/12/2023 23:54

Never a lender nor a borrower be.
Don’t mix business with pleasure

etc etc

Also, he’s a massive cheeky fucking twat - tell him to fuck off and pay for his own kids.

SD1978 · 08/12/2023 23:54

Please say you didn't. I am very sorry for your loss- and sorry that people are treating you as some kind of potential cash cow now, that must be horrible, and the comments regarding children is disgusting, regardless of what reason you don't have any. And inheritance is not guaranteed- I appreciate you may have already viewed the will, but if not, they may have left it to a charity for all you know, or they know. His financial choices are not your issue, and he is no friend. He chose to go independent without ensuring the right support for the family- that's on him. I hope you're ok, and have your partners support. Times like these can sometimes show you how shallow and shitty some people are xxx

TheSuggestedAmendment · 08/12/2023 23:55

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 08/12/2023 23:48

People who are this desperate for money that they call somebody grieving in the hope that they will be easily manipulated are usually in a debt spiral. He has obviously made some terrible financial decisions so far without having money set aside for expensive things.

I can almost guarantee this money will be sucked into this spiral and you won't ever get it back. What is he personally doing to turn things around giving that the business is very likely going bust? If the business was sound he could raise the money from a bank or other financial institution. I work in a related area and see this sort of thing on a regular basis. He is an utter disgrace and no friend.

All of this.

He is clearly very desperate to call up a friend and do this. But equally, this tells you he will not make a good debtor.

Is he offering you some security for the debt? Not that I think you should do it OP.

why does he think he can pay it back in a few weeks?

Original poster
edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:56

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 08/12/2023 23:48

People who are this desperate for money that they call somebody grieving in the hope that they will be easily manipulated are usually in a debt spiral. He has obviously made some terrible financial decisions so far without having money set aside for expensive things.

I can almost guarantee this money will be sucked into this spiral and you won't ever get it back. What is he personally doing to turn things around giving that the business is very likely going bust? If the business was sound he could raise the money from a bank or other financial institution. I work in a related area and see this sort of thing on a regular basis. He is an utter disgrace and no friend.

This is what I'm thinking. He must already be in a debt spiral and desperate. He said he can't get a line of credit via a bank, which obviously doesn't fill me with confidence. I work in the financial sector, so naturally suggested things like this.

OP posts:
Fourfurrymonsters · 08/12/2023 23:56

Oh dear gods, absolutely do NOT give this utter bellend a penny; you’ll never see it back. NEVER. If you’re getting multiple requests from people you’re going to have to toughen yourself up here. Just say “I can’t lend anyone money from the estate, it’s all accounted for” if you need to be polite about it…if it were me I’d be tearing him a new one for having the audacity to hint/ask for money during my time of grief. What a despicable person. He’s certainly no friend.

Dogcatmousedog · 08/12/2023 23:57

This !