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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:58

VWT5 · 08/12/2023 23:40

Please just don’t op.
And don’t give him any more thought at all, don’t let it occupy your headspace.
I feel angry on your behalf (after an aquaintance asked to visit me for coffee when I was bereaved - but then asked me for money to start a business)

And another who wanted a significant loan to fund a lifestyle that I would never be able live myself.

Please look after yourself. You can say no, don’t give reasons.
(or if you want, it can be “inaccessible, in my pension”

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you! It's actually not the first time I've heard of 'friends' preying on the grieving like this. I think they see 'money' and almost fake being supportive, but with a goal in mind.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 08/12/2023 23:58

Jaw hits the floor ..... say No and block him so you don't get the texts begging. The way he has done this is so manipulative.
Surely with his previous high salary he has savings.

whynotwhatknot · 08/12/2023 23:59

how the hell wo9uld he get it back to you in a few weeks! wtf is he on he sholdnt have jacked in his job if he had such alot to pay out for

thats not a friend

itsatravestyy · 09/12/2023 00:00

It was his choice to quit his job whilst having a mortgage, children and school fees to think of.

He’s a cunt for even considering to ask you. Especially considering that you are grieving. I hope you have some better ‘friends’ than him. Friends don’t exploit friends who are grieving. So what if you’ve got the money? I’m sure you’d rather have your relative back.

Lots of love OP, hope you’ve got some honest people you can talk about your grief with xx

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 09/12/2023 00:00

Good grief!!! DO NOT "lend" him any money, not one penny. I cannot believe the brass neck of someone who would contact a recently bereaved "friend" and ask for money!!!

He had a well paid job, he shouldn't have given it up if he can't afford to pay his mortgage and his kids' school fees (seriously, he wants you to pay his kids's school fees!!!!!) without that income. Just tell him no, a reason is not necessary.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:01

KeiraKnightley2 · 08/12/2023 23:43

A friend of 20 years did this to my mum recently. When she didn't give the loan (having loaned her before!) stopped speaking to her.

I think my mum made the right decision. The friend offered to pay it back within 10 years!

I'm so sorry to hear this. That's awful. You learn a lot about people when you tell them 'no'. The cheek of the friend to say they'll pay it back within 10 years.

I suspect this person will go off the radar now too, since I didn't give it to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:04

Janedoe82 · 08/12/2023 23:28

No way. I have had kids in private schools- no way would I ask for help with fees from friends. The school will most likely have a hardship fund anyway

Does a hardship fund mean you can delay payments? How does it work?

If he is right/confident in saying he can pay me back in a few weeks, (I didn't give him the money) surely he can then pay the school a few weeks later..?

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 09/12/2023 00:04

I know you said he went about it the wrong way but tbh there was no right way for him to do this. I can't believe that someone would have the actual bare faced cheek to do this. He would have no idea how you would be feeling and probably still grieving. I have just inherited money well I will when the solicitor gets their ass into gear but that's another thread. Not one person has said anything about the money except my dh and the person I am inheriting with.I also have no kids no mortgage dh and I retired with pensions and tbh I keep thinking that this money is my parents hard earned money and I want to use it wisely.

It sounds like they are looking a significant amount and no guarantee it will be paid back even if you do have a proper loan agreement drawn up. If he reneged on this are you prepared to take him to court to get your money back.
Take your time with regards to this inheritance. It's no one else's business and even if considering a financial advisor take your time about who to see and do your research.
If he can get the money within a few weeks why is he asking you for it I smell a rat

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 00:06

I had a pretty close relative who kept coming round and felt they had to pretend to be interested in me and my life before asking for a 'loan'. Sometimes for a whole hour. And never paid back. One time I opened the door, made us a coffee and said 'Let's cut to the chase - how much?' They acted all offended and walked out. RESULT.

Do NOT let this person have a PENNY. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.

ACynicalDad · 09/12/2023 00:06

What a deeply unpleasant individual. On lending posts I usually say treat lending as a gift and hope, don't expect, for it to come back. But he's vile, don't give him a penny.

MrsClatterbuck · 09/12/2023 00:06

Also if you lend him this money he will be back for more because the school fees and mortgage are ongoing expenses and aren't going away.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:10

MrsClatterbuck · 09/12/2023 00:04

I know you said he went about it the wrong way but tbh there was no right way for him to do this. I can't believe that someone would have the actual bare faced cheek to do this. He would have no idea how you would be feeling and probably still grieving. I have just inherited money well I will when the solicitor gets their ass into gear but that's another thread. Not one person has said anything about the money except my dh and the person I am inheriting with.I also have no kids no mortgage dh and I retired with pensions and tbh I keep thinking that this money is my parents hard earned money and I want to use it wisely.

It sounds like they are looking a significant amount and no guarantee it will be paid back even if you do have a proper loan agreement drawn up. If he reneged on this are you prepared to take him to court to get your money back.
Take your time with regards to this inheritance. It's no one else's business and even if considering a financial advisor take your time about who to see and do your research.
If he can get the money within a few weeks why is he asking you for it I smell a rat

@MrsClatterbuck I do agree that there was no 'right' was to go about it. It all just felt so slimy and gross. It almost makes me think - more than the money - that his 'support' in my grief was all fake.

To be clear, he is not piss poor/had it tough. He went to school/university with many people we see on our screens. I am talking the 0.000001% of this country. It's the entitlement that gets me. I am educated and work in the finance sector too, but not as privileged as 'those' lot. We all know the types I'm talking about.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss and totally understand your position and feelings about the money too.

It's just a shame that some 'friends' see it as 'free' money to fulfil their desires/clear their debts with.

OP posts:
StBrides · 09/12/2023 00:10

I don't understand why he threw away a £120k without any savings to cover his mortgage & childrens school fees..!

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:11

MrsClatterbuck · 09/12/2023 00:06

Also if you lend him this money he will be back for more because the school fees and mortgage are ongoing expenses and aren't going away.

This is what I don't understand. Unless the business is going to 'take off' suddenly before next term, I don't see how this is going to work long-term.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:12

StBrides · 09/12/2023 00:10

I don't understand why he threw away a £120k without any savings to cover his mortgage & childrens school fees..!

I think he did have savings, but blew through it.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:13

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 00:06

I had a pretty close relative who kept coming round and felt they had to pretend to be interested in me and my life before asking for a 'loan'. Sometimes for a whole hour. And never paid back. One time I opened the door, made us a coffee and said 'Let's cut to the chase - how much?' They acted all offended and walked out. RESULT.

Do NOT let this person have a PENNY. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK.

Edited

@ButterCupPie Oh god. This is awful. Did you ever hear from them again? I suspect (in my case) this person will fall off the radar now.

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 09/12/2023 00:13

I'm amazed that you'd even have to ask if YABU to say no to this awful scrounging git who is trying to screw money out of you in the wake of a bereavement. Honestly, in your situation I would not only say no but I'd also block the horrible twat and never speak to him again. He's a leech. Your late relative left you their estate because they wanted you to have it. They didn't want this rotten chancer to have it off you.

He's got kids in private school, he owns a house and he voluntarily gave up a very well-paid job. He doesn't need a loan from you. He has assets.

My god, what a cunt.

pollyglot · 09/12/2023 00:13

If it's a recent bereavement (sorry for your loss x), when does he think probate will be granted, let alone distribution? A bit ahead of himself, isn't he? What a first class twat.

MrsPerfect12 · 09/12/2023 00:15

Have you already told him no?

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:17

pollyglot · 09/12/2023 00:13

If it's a recent bereavement (sorry for your loss x), when does he think probate will be granted, let alone distribution? A bit ahead of himself, isn't he? What a first class twat.

@pollyglot Thank you. It was in 2022, so probate passed after 9 months (average time in the UK). I suspect he was calling to see how far along things were/gearing up to ask.

OP posts:
wronginalltherightways · 09/12/2023 00:17

Hard firm no. Just that. No.

He's not your friend. You would never see any of that money again. And you know it ... and so does he.

Soonenough · 09/12/2023 00:19

Tell Boris to get lost.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:21

Soonenough · 09/12/2023 00:19

Tell Boris to get lost.

OMG. I laughed so hard at this. Thank you!! I needed that!!
Sadly, not bloody Boris.😂

OP posts:
TheSuggestedAmendment · 09/12/2023 00:24

To be clear, he is not piss poor/had it tough. He went to school/university with many people we see on our screens. I am talking the 0.000001% of this country. It's the entitlement that gets me. I am educated and work in the finance sector too, but not as privileged as 'those' lot. We all know the types I'm talking about.

These people are the worst. I’ve known a few. Absolutely convinced that the normal restrictions don’t apply to them: of course they don’t have to have their children at state school or sell the second home or not book Verbier this year.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:26

TheSuggestedAmendment · 09/12/2023 00:24

To be clear, he is not piss poor/had it tough. He went to school/university with many people we see on our screens. I am talking the 0.000001% of this country. It's the entitlement that gets me. I am educated and work in the finance sector too, but not as privileged as 'those' lot. We all know the types I'm talking about.

These people are the worst. I’ve known a few. Absolutely convinced that the normal restrictions don’t apply to them: of course they don’t have to have their children at state school or sell the second home or not book Verbier this year.

@TheSuggestedAmendment Spot. On. You are so right. He can't fathom making any changes to his life. Kids will be staying in private school, but he's fishing for a donor it seems.

OP posts: