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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 11/12/2023 12:55

Before her own time came my wealthy elderly (childless) great-aunt had watched quite a few funerals and the property-grabbing (with real fighting sometimes) that followed.

She herself left a very very detailed list (one that included every single item in her house and garden). She left something (to remember her by) to every friend and relation AND the postage costs for each. I suspect she had quite enjoyed planning which item would go to which person (with secret or not so secret reasons for each).

Her money was gone.

Knowing her time was limited, she'd managed to spend almost all - on holidays and good times- in her final two years.

RaininSummer · 11/12/2023 12:56

I am quite astounded by the sheer cheek of people who would hit up recently bereaved friends for large amounts of money. Not real friends for sure so let them wallow .

Ihadenough22 · 11/12/2023 13:44

I would not be lending this man money. It was his decision to give up his job and become self employed. I knew a couple where the husband was made unemployed and he set up his own business. They cut their expenses, had no foreign holidays and she stayed working full time to keep the bills paid. Meanwhile he worked long hours and took a small salary to get the business on its feet. In fact they put off having a family until the business was up and running for a while.
If he was setting up his own business why did his wife leave work and let them be down his income and hers? Who did they think was going to support them and their current lifestyle?

I have heard a few things in my time but this gets the gold medal of a CF. Over the years I had 1 friend and at times we might give each other £50 till pay day when we had a hard month of expenses. I was glad to help them because they did the same for me in the past.

I saw a friend of mine win some money a few years ago. She gave another friend money and paid for a cheap holiday for them to go away together. This friend had been through a horrible time and needed a break. Now a few years later this lady makes hardly any effort for my friend.
My friend is aware that she came into some money and was never offered as much £5 of this. Recently the same lady asked for something and my friend told her she had not got this. My friend told me let her ask someone else's because she has made no effort for me recently.

I think when you lose someone it can be hard. Yes your going to get an inheritance but that does not make it easier. How can your friend think it ok to ask you for money now?
You might not have kids but you still have to live, pay the bills and have some life for yourself.
That money could pay for a nice holiday, give you a cushion if something unexpected happens or perhaps boost your retirement fund.

If you give him money he will keep asking for more and you know he is not in a financial position to pay this back. In fact I would block him or just be to busy to chat when he calls.

OVienna · 11/12/2023 14:01

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 11/12/2023 12:55

Before her own time came my wealthy elderly (childless) great-aunt had watched quite a few funerals and the property-grabbing (with real fighting sometimes) that followed.

She herself left a very very detailed list (one that included every single item in her house and garden). She left something (to remember her by) to every friend and relation AND the postage costs for each. I suspect she had quite enjoyed planning which item would go to which person (with secret or not so secret reasons for each).

Her money was gone.

Knowing her time was limited, she'd managed to spend almost all - on holidays and good times- in her final two years.

I would love to hear more about your great-aunt. She sounds FABULOUS. I bet she was having a huge chuckle thinking about some of the people who were hoping to get their hands on her cash.

RetirementIsGreat · 12/12/2023 00:06

instrumentofthestate · 10/12/2023 21:27

The sheer desperation of the numerous texts & calls "phone me back ASAP" suggests there's more to this than school tees. What's the desperate rush on a Saturday?

Is there some sort of large scale drug smuggling or crime issue going on here?

Are the mob or some Columbian drug lords after him? 🤣 (Only half joking)

I was wondering if he got it to trouble with gambling and he owes the bookie. He's so desperate seems like more than what he says.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 12/12/2023 07:56

UPDATE (FOR THOSE ASKING & WHO HAVE MESSAGED).

I never heard from him after I blocked him. I only blocked him after I had already told him 'no' the day prior - and after he continued to push and call me 4 times and message twice the next day. For those saying I should have 'heard him out' (in case he was calling to apologise) and not blocked after the push-back, he had other means of contacting me - via email/social media etc... if he wanted to do so. He didn't.

From a worst case scenario perspective, I know (through mutual friends) he is fine/alive and well - and his children are fine too. In fact; it looks like they are staying in private school and he certainly hasn't lost his home - or anything catastrophic like that.

In truth, I don't think I will hear from him (ever) again.

OP posts:
Zonder · 12/12/2023 07:57

Well done OP. Maybe he found someone else to finance his lifestyle.

3luckystars · 12/12/2023 08:02

Good news. Well done shaking him off!!

Original poster
edelweissnights · 12/12/2023 08:06

P.S. I was so saddened to hear of so many similar stories on this thread. I'm so sorry to those who have felt a similar way/experienced something along the same lines as this.

Some people can be truly awful. It's a tale as old as time when it comes to money and inheritances etc... I'm not the first and I won't be the last (to witness something like this).

Things like this shake your trust in people and makes you look at people/humanity differently. Not everyone is 'bad' of course, but the damage done to friendships, relationships, families and dynamics can be very real and long-lasting.

OP posts:
mouldyfalafel · 12/12/2023 08:17

Well done OP. There is no obligation whatsoever to "hear him out" that's utter BS. He wanted cash from you and you said no. End of. It was cruel and predatory to do that when you are grieving. You aren't obliged to hand over your inheritance due to his poor life choices. His kids are in private school for goodness sakes!

Not only that, but none of us know what the future holds, you may need that money in the future for all you know. I notice when he was flush with cash he never offered to buy you anything did he?

Even IF he was losing his house- why on earth is that YOUR responsibility? He has family and an ex partner to help him out with that- why aren't they stepping up to bridge the gap? By that rationale, no-one should ever be allowed have any savings whatsoever because they should just hand it all over to someone who is struggling due to irresponsible money management. We all have to take responsibility for our lives and he is no different. If I was in a financial hole, I certainly wouldn't expect my friends to constantly bail me out because long term it won't work anyway if he is leaving well paid jobs to start up some Mickey Mouse business.

Southpoint · 12/12/2023 09:00

He may be a sociopath as some people I have met. Even if they do not need the money they try it on as they know it would be easy money. Therefore, of course kids are still ok and they live in the same house. Move on from this vile person and enjoy your inheritance.

MsRosley · 12/12/2023 10:55

I'm sorry, OP. It can very upsetting when you see someone's true colours. Try to look on the bright side: he's shown you exactly who he is, and you'll no longer have to waste a single iota of energy or friendship on someone who deserves none of it. Give your time and energy to the good ones, and ignore the rest.

Cosywintertime · 12/12/2023 11:55

I’m surprised you have been friends for a decade, you are deeply scathing about him and wife, “his precious children” , and as much as he shouldn’t have asked , I’d not have blocked him without hearing him out at least once, and I’d not talk about them as you do.

blacksax · 12/12/2023 12:23

Cosywintertime · 12/12/2023 11:55

I’m surprised you have been friends for a decade, you are deeply scathing about him and wife, “his precious children” , and as much as he shouldn’t have asked , I’d not have blocked him without hearing him out at least once, and I’d not talk about them as you do.

Is that you, CF?
Grin

Biscofffans · 12/12/2023 13:15

What’s all this with the she should hear him out?

She’s grieving and a friend has acted very inappropriately. Give her a break.

If he had any decency he would’ve texted her an apology when he realised she was no longer picking up.

It’s highly unlikely he wanted to apologise anyway but even if he did, he’s not entitled for her to listen to it. He crossed the line, he broke the friendship. End of.

In the past I’ve had friends who have genuinely no money left ask me for £100 or less to pay for food etc, and if I’ve had it spare I’ve happily given it to them. But that’s totally different from a man who CHOSE to leave his high paid job to pursue his dreams just because and is wanting you to pay huge amounts for his kid’s school fees. 🙄

BoredofBlonde · 12/12/2023 13:41

Cosywintertime · 12/12/2023 11:55

I’m surprised you have been friends for a decade, you are deeply scathing about him and wife, “his precious children” , and as much as he shouldn’t have asked , I’d not have blocked him without hearing him out at least once, and I’d not talk about them as you do.

Laydeeees and Gentlemen, I present to you ....

The reason CFs ARE CFS!

Because people like @Cosywintertime have all the time in the world to not only give up an evening to listen to their initial bilge but also to waste more time listening to further rubbish

I bet you are on the #bekind bangwagon too aren't you Cosy😂

MsRosley · 12/12/2023 14:38

BoredofBlonde · 12/12/2023 13:41

Laydeeees and Gentlemen, I present to you ....

The reason CFs ARE CFS!

Because people like @Cosywintertime have all the time in the world to not only give up an evening to listen to their initial bilge but also to waste more time listening to further rubbish

I bet you are on the #bekind bangwagon too aren't you Cosy😂

Show quote history

Heartily agree, @BoredofBlonde - there's always someone, isn't there, who arrives on a post, oozing superiority, ready to give another woman a good kicking.

Shazam2 · 12/12/2023 15:14

I would say she has to decide which she values most the money or the friendship

Neitheronethingnortheother · 12/12/2023 15:33

Shazam2 · 12/12/2023 15:14

I would say she has to decide which she values most the money or the friendship

A friendship that relies on money isn't a friendship

Saschka · 12/12/2023 15:37

Shazam2 · 12/12/2023 15:14

I would say she has to decide which she values most the money or the friendship

It would have to be a fucking amazing friendship for it to be worth her coughing up £72k per year plus whatever his mortgage costs (could easily be the same again).

Shazam2 · 12/12/2023 20:14

😂 agreed👍

00100001 · 12/12/2023 22:27

Shazam2 · 12/12/2023 15:14

I would say she has to decide which she values most the money or the friendship

🤣🤣🤣

AliceOlive · 14/12/2023 14:00

Shazam2 · 12/12/2023 15:14

I would say she has to decide which she values most the money or the friendship

You believe friendship can be purchased?

balmysummerevening · 14/12/2023 15:17

AliceOlive · 14/12/2023 14:00

You believe friendship can be purchased?

Show quote history

Yeah I raised an eyebrow at this too- if someone will only be friends with you if you pay their kids private school fees and their mortgage, they were never really your "friend" 😂

Original poster
edelweissnights · 30/12/2023 16:27

UPDATE (PLEASE READ ALL MY POSTS):

He emailed me on Christmas Eve saying: 'Hellloooooooo?!'

I ignored it.

--

But more than that; I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on this thread. I kept thinking about a lot of the stories/experiences after I initially posted. I even thought of some previous posters as I was making Christmas lunch with my partner and I was so tearful for the poster here who lost her husband and young child - and whose bother later came around sniffing for money. Awful. So sorry to everyone, but grateful that you all feel as though you can share your stories. Sending lots of love and well wishes to all.

OP posts: