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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:27

MrsPerfect12 · 09/12/2023 00:15

Have you already told him no?

@MrsPerfect12 No. My doorbell rang as I had a food delivery. He heard the doorbell through the phone too, so he knew I wasn't lying.

I said I had to go and been weighing up options all night. I think I got suckered into the whole 'I will be losing my home/kids won't be able to go to school' stuff - hence why I'm glad I came on here. But will be saying no tomorrow.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 09/12/2023 00:28

Can you just confirm that you didn't lend the money? Or rather give the money. I'm getting worried as I've read the thread again and again and can't see what you've told him.

LardoBurrows · 09/12/2023 00:29

It really is the lowest of the low to pretend to sympathise with you over your recent loss in order to ingratiate himself in the hope that you would hand over a large sum of money to fund his lifestyle. The comment about you being lucky not having children is particularly insensitive, for all he knows you might have wanted children and not been able to have any.

He chose to have children, he chose to send them to private schools and he chose to leave a highly paid job, these were all his choices and nothing to do with you. His sense of entitlement is astounding.

I am sorry for your loss and also that you have been targeted by this man and others wanting money when you are particularly vulnerable right now. Draw your true friends and partner close and shut out the leeches, block them if necessary to protect yourself. Flowers

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:30

determinedtomakethiswork · 09/12/2023 00:28

Can you just confirm that you didn't lend the money? Or rather give the money. I'm getting worried as I've read the thread again and again and can't see what you've told him.

@determinedtomakethiswork See previous post. Will copy and paste here.

"No. My doorbell rang as I had a food delivery. He heard the doorbell through the phone too, so he knew I wasn't lying.

I said I had to go and been weighing up options all night. I think I got suckered into the whole 'I will be losing my home/kids won't be able to go to school' stuff - hence why I'm glad I came on here. But will be saying no tomorrow."

OP posts:
scoobydoo1971 · 09/12/2023 00:30

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Bereavement is not easy. I lost my mother two years ago, and I am still in shock. Give yourself time and be vigilant to who you socialise with during the grieving process. Secondly, I inherited a 7-figure sum as a result of her passing. I would give back every penny to have her back, but it is what it is. I had to dump my boyfriend because he was all over the potential inheritance and suddenly wanted to marry me. That creeped me out as the money is for me, and my children. Lots of 'friends' and work suppliers came creeping out of the cracks when probate was going through. All wanting to know how much money I was getting and what I would do with it. I refused to discuss it. Suppliers to our business were trying to hike up prices assuming I could pay anything having come into money. Some sob stories and some blatant jealousy emerged amongst people known to our family. I even had one woman down the road who was so consumed with envy that she called social services. She reported me for being a bad mother on no grounds whatsoever. It was all rather bizarre, and the social worker quite agreed it was a complete waste of her time. The woman did this because my son knew her son, and had explained his gran had died and that we were coming into a lot of money, and he was going to private school. It is best to keep any financial matters to yourself, and don't lend to anyone. It builds resentment if they don't pay it back. Your 'friend' is a right loser if he comes to you asking for money in these circumstances. I would strongly advise cutting him off from your acquaintance as people like this can be very unethical, predatory and manipulative. If you are coming into a lot of money, I would recommend seeing an accountant who knows about estate planning and investments. Sorry for your loss.

PickAChew · 09/12/2023 00:30

He shouldn't have given up the job if he had responsibilities. Utter plonker.

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 00:31

OP I am so sorry
My father was approached by two long term "friends" for what I think were requests for money that might not even have been paid back, I'm not sure

. They said "you're all right for money, your daughters are earning well and don't have kids". One of them got made redundant, got a new job on £50k but that wasn't enough for his lifestyle.

Dad found it very upsetting, and that wasn't even requests from a loss. I am really sorry but these people are not friends.

BreakfastAtMilliways · 09/12/2023 00:33

‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend.’

Well known lines from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. I also wondered if your CF was a certain Alexander B. de P. Johnson. 🤣

poppitypop1 · 09/12/2023 00:36

He isn't your friend. A friend wouldn't put you in that position.

squidgybits · 09/12/2023 00:39

It's a NO from me to this CF'er
I am sorry for your loss and shocked at the lack of respect you are dealing with

sending hugs and love X

greengirlgang · 09/12/2023 00:39

So insensitive. Why do people feel as if they can scan how lucky or unlucky one is. We all have different challenges in life, children or no children.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:40

scoobydoo1971 · 09/12/2023 00:30

Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Bereavement is not easy. I lost my mother two years ago, and I am still in shock. Give yourself time and be vigilant to who you socialise with during the grieving process. Secondly, I inherited a 7-figure sum as a result of her passing. I would give back every penny to have her back, but it is what it is. I had to dump my boyfriend because he was all over the potential inheritance and suddenly wanted to marry me. That creeped me out as the money is for me, and my children. Lots of 'friends' and work suppliers came creeping out of the cracks when probate was going through. All wanting to know how much money I was getting and what I would do with it. I refused to discuss it. Suppliers to our business were trying to hike up prices assuming I could pay anything having come into money. Some sob stories and some blatant jealousy emerged amongst people known to our family. I even had one woman down the road who was so consumed with envy that she called social services. She reported me for being a bad mother on no grounds whatsoever. It was all rather bizarre, and the social worker quite agreed it was a complete waste of her time. The woman did this because my son knew her son, and had explained his gran had died and that we were coming into a lot of money, and he was going to private school. It is best to keep any financial matters to yourself, and don't lend to anyone. It builds resentment if they don't pay it back. Your 'friend' is a right loser if he comes to you asking for money in these circumstances. I would strongly advise cutting him off from your acquaintance as people like this can be very unethical, predatory and manipulative. If you are coming into a lot of money, I would recommend seeing an accountant who knows about estate planning and investments. Sorry for your loss.

@scoobydoo1971 I'm sorry for your loss. This is awful to hear/read. I just cannot believe some people.

I had witnessed all sorts of stuff, but largely from my relatives side of the family, not so much regarding friends. I had friends ask me to start businesses with them (where I'd provide 100% of the funding), but that could have been due to working in the financial sector for 20+ years. I had one ask a about starting a joint property development company together - and another who wanted to start an interior design company (because she quit her job to have a baby). I don't know a single thing about property development or interior design. I just brushed those off and it was nothing compared to what I had seen within the family.

This man just hit differently though as he is the most privileged of people, but seemed the most underhanded and unethical with how he went about everything. It also made me question all the 'support' he was offering... I think peoples' eyes light up when there is money involved and they think 'she doesn't have kids/expenses - but I do, so I deserve it'.

I didn't disclose much at all, but it is rather public if someone were to search for it.

I've noticed a theme on this thread of people experiencing the same thing. It's truly awful - some people really are dreadful.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/12/2023 00:40

Who on earth are the 1% who've voted that YABU?

ClairDeLaLune · 09/12/2023 00:40

This hideous ghoul is no friend OP. What a cheeky cunt. Don’t make any excuses about the money being spoken for, just say no. Say you don’t believe in lending money. If he tries any emotional blackmail crap about losing his house, ask him what he was planning to do before he heard of your windfall.

I’m sorry for your loss OP Flowers Unfortunately this can bring out the worst in some people.

Ohnoooooooo · 09/12/2023 00:41

I am sorry for your loss
please don’t give this person money they have treated you terribly
his kids school fees will not stop - he’ll need them again next term. If he can’t afford them his term unlikely to afford them next term best to sort plan b now.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 09/12/2023 00:42

Roared laughing at the Boris comment too! I mean, I'd donate the money for a haircut & some smoothing serum quite happily, but beyond that...

OP, I unexpectedly inherited a significant amount recently. I haven't touched a penny of it because it feels kind of unreal. DP was struggling with cashflow (invoices not being paid) & I offered him a loan. He physically recoiled & told me to 'bugger off, that's YOUR money!'

I'm so sorry that this twat has put you in such an awkward position. Agree with PP that you have a get out clause of 'oh, it's all tied up in investments'. If you really want to twist the knife airily say 'I want to make sure I protect my future & not take risks.' Or 'I've seen what happens to people who don't look after their money - goodness me!'

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 00:42

EmmaEmerald · 09/12/2023 00:31

OP I am so sorry
My father was approached by two long term "friends" for what I think were requests for money that might not even have been paid back, I'm not sure

. They said "you're all right for money, your daughters are earning well and don't have kids". One of them got made redundant, got a new job on £50k but that wasn't enough for his lifestyle.

Dad found it very upsetting, and that wasn't even requests from a loss. I am really sorry but these people are not friends.

@EmmaEmerald That's the worst of the worst as it shows they've been thinking about your father financially and weighing up their 'options' and justifying their requests. I hope your father cut them off.

OP posts:
Angelsrose · 09/12/2023 00:45

Feel very comfortable with the word no. You don't owe him ANY explanation. The kids are HIS responsibility and if he is reckless enough to give up a very well paid job, that's his business. How utterly absurd this "friend" is. You never know if you will need that money in the future. Do NOT gamble your future on this rude, entitled chancer.

ScrantonDunderMifflin · 09/12/2023 00:52

Rude and awful.
Also, to be saying how lucky you're not to have children.... Does he even know if it's by choice.. People should never go around saying stuff like that!
Do not get involved OP.

JayJayEl · 09/12/2023 01:03

@edelweissnights Hello! I work in a residential home for the elderly, and you would not believe just how many people come out of the woodwork once someone has sadly passed. The deceased are often people who haven't had a single visitor in years (sometimes more than a decade), yet they suddenly have all these distant relatives. It's incredibly difficult to stay professional in those circumstances, especially when it's a person that you have spent years caring for.

Some people are vile and have no shame. I was going to say, "Don't give him a penny!" But from reading your replies you are obviously more than sensible enough not to. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry that you now have someone with so small a moral thread trying to work their way in. Stay strong, lovely!

Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 01:06

if you were to consider , if they are so sure of repayment what about asking them to put up x items as a guarantee etc ?

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 01:07

What a horrible horrible man to target you and attempt to manipulate you while you’re vulnerable and grieving. If the toad comes back say “oh I did mention something to my solicitor but he advised against making financial decisions while I was vulnerable and mentioned something about the police”. That should shit him up enough to leave you alone.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:07

@JayJayEl What a noble profession. I have endless respect for you in such a demanding and emotionally challenging role. I have heard similar tales from friends who work in palliative care/hospice. I've heard of relatives fighting at someone's literal deathbeds. It shouldn't take a palliative nurse to tell family members that the dying deserve peace and quiet. But more often than not, fights break out after the person has passed. Often immediately after the person has passed - as you say yourself. How do you keep your composure?

Death and money truly bring out the worst in people sometimes. Especially those who creep out of the woodwork - after a decade of being missing in action! I am in shock reading some of these comments where people have experienced things along similar lines. Dreadful.

OP posts:
Original poster
edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:09

Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 01:06

if you were to consider , if they are so sure of repayment what about asking them to put up x items as a guarantee etc ?

I think he would have an answer for everything. I can't put my car on the line because 'xyz' or 'I can't possibly guarantee this/that for 'xyz' reason etc...

OP posts:
Museum10662 · 09/12/2023 01:10

edelweissnights · 09/12/2023 01:09

I think he would have an answer for everything. I can't put my car on the line because 'xyz' or 'I can't possibly guarantee this/that for 'xyz' reason etc...

Show quote history

then basically youll be throwing money in the wind