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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
Iscreamtea · 10/12/2023 20:47

Do not lend the money! If he can't borrow it from a bank it's because he's not going to be able to pay it back.

Bordesleyhills · 10/12/2023 20:49

Nope he’s choices

cherryade8 · 10/12/2023 20:52

OP if he's genuine and approaches the school then they will get a third party agency to 'assess' his hardship and offer a short or long term bursary to cover all or part of the fees.

However if they assess that he's purposefully put himself in an unaffordable position then they are unlikely to offer him anything.

You shouldn't have to give him anything. Sorry for your loss.

Bookworm1111 · 10/12/2023 20:59

I don't blame you for saying no, @edelweissnights, but I wonder if he's been calling so much because someone he knows has seen this thread and alerted him to it. Unless you've been fudging it, you've been very specific about his personal circumstances, including sharing identifying details about his previous salary, his kids' school fees and where he now lives, as well as your own recent bereavement and inheritance. Wouldn't take much for someone to put them all together.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/12/2023 21:02

He can email, then.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 10/12/2023 21:04

Bookworm1111 · 10/12/2023 20:59

I don't blame you for saying no, @edelweissnights, but I wonder if he's been calling so much because someone he knows has seen this thread and alerted him to it. Unless you've been fudging it, you've been very specific about his personal circumstances, including sharing identifying details about his previous salary, his kids' school fees and where he now lives, as well as your own recent bereavement and inheritance. Wouldn't take much for someone to put them all together.

No, not at all. Plus, this is such a common theme in terms of a particular type of circle and certainly in this generation. Am not worried at all.

OP posts:
Lulu123450 · 10/12/2023 21:05

Thank goodness you didn’t ‘lend’ her the money, you definitely dodged a bullet

Lunde · 10/12/2023 21:22

Wow - so they have both quit their jobs but want to maintain the £220,000 + bonuses lifestyle? ... at your expense!

Saschka · 10/12/2023 21:24

SaffronSpice · 10/12/2023 20:15

The school fees for Spring term is £12,180 per child. He has two children.

Not RTFT only some of OPs responses. But how on earth does someone on only £120k per year or thereabouts afford £70k+ per year school fees? That is roughly equal to what you take home on a £120k salary.

Family money.

Which begs the question, why have they now cut him off?

instrumentofthestate · 10/12/2023 21:27

The sheer desperation of the numerous texts & calls "phone me back ASAP" suggests there's more to this than school tees. What's the desperate rush on a Saturday?

Is there some sort of large scale drug smuggling or crime issue going on here?

Are the mob or some Columbian drug lords after him? 🤣 (Only half joking)

elkiedee · 10/12/2023 21:32

If he wanted to leave his job and start a business, he should have planned for it. If he can't get bank loans or investment in the business through normal means (whatever those are), and if he has experience in the city, why should you risk your money? If your loss is very recent, you won't have inheritance through for a while, and even if not, how insensitive to keep pressing about the value of your estate.

OhComeOnFFS · 10/12/2023 21:36

How close were you to this man? Were you his friend or his ex wife's?

Mt61 · 10/12/2023 22:01

Well done, hardest part is over, move on & try not to dwell, you have totally made the right decision 😊

Snowconecanfly · 10/12/2023 22:12

He chose to stop working knowing he had to lay his mortgage and school fees.

No, sorry I don’t lend money.

or No, sorry all money is tied up and cannot access it.

and as he can pay an eye watering sum back in a few weeks to you, a bank no doubt can lend it to him!

Galdos · 10/12/2023 22:22

You will never see your money again if you give him anything. All the comments that you should not 'lend' him any money are absolutely right. Sob stories can be hard to listen to, but in 99+% of cases the money will never be repaid, and the friendship/acquaintance be destroyed. It may be destroyed anyway by a refusal, but at least you won't be out of pocket!

Dogknowsbest · 10/12/2023 22:39

Well done for not giving him the money. He sounds awful and manipulative.

FWIW, my view on inheriting money goes like this (even if it's a lot).

It's your money regardless of how you earnt it. If the person that died wanted it to go to Jo Bloggs that's who she would have left it too but she left it to you, knowing it wouldn't be abused or squandered. Don't give it to other people who will squander it. If you want to do something good with it, give it to charity.

T1Dmama · 11/12/2023 01:04

tell Him ‘sorry no I’m not lending out any money to anyone, because quite frankly I’ve had way too many cultures circling!!’

and if he says anything in response tell him quite plainly how irresponsible he was to give up his job without paying his kids schools fees and his mortgage etc a year in advance to cover his transition from employee to self employed!!

What kind of an idiot gives up a well paid job without having enough ‘backup’ savings stashed away for these sort of bills??

Zerosleep · 11/12/2023 06:54

It’s a clear no, no and NO from me. For god’s sake don’t lend any money no matter how reliable you think they are, no matter how much of a friend, no matter what. You won’t get it back and that will be the end of the friendship. If he doesn’t have it now then he won’t have it in a week or a month. Sorry OP but please don’t lend anything and you are not being unreasonable to say no. You don’t have to explain but if it makes it easier to say no then it’s a ‘I’m sorry I would love to help but it’s all tied up’.

agentcooperinthewhitelodge · 11/12/2023 08:31

Unfortunately OP, when someone dies this always happens and its very revealing regarding people's true character.

When my father died, literally two days later I had three different people give me an offhand "sorry to hear" then proceeded to ask if they could have various belongings of his. "I'd really like the rug in his lounge" and "can I have that piece of electronic radio equipment?- it would be really helpful to me" etc. One even told me he was sure my dad had wanted him to have it, but I had never heard that from him ever and it certainly wasn't in his will.

Bear in mind these were not family members or life long friends who had misty eyed memories of him, they were random people he knew- aquaintances basically, who had not bothered to visit him or contact him in all the 4 years he was in the nursing home as they were too "busy". I said no to all of them and that I was distributing his estate based on his legal will. If they werent in it, they got nothing as those were his express wishes. They came to his funeral and poked around a bit again, asking yet again about the stuff they had earmarked for themselves but I politely told them no. I have never heard from any of them since.

When someone dies people seem to lose their minds thinking its some kind of open season for them to grab what they want- its utterly predatory and well done for saying no.

TicTacNicNak · 11/12/2023 08:41

How crazy for two people with such well paying jobs to give them up for a business adventure that wasn't even established or successful. Unless they go back to their jobs they've a long way to fall yet, and will come to deeply regret their choices I suspect.

Sorry for your loss OP, and well done for your strength in saying no to this man.

Ineke · 11/12/2023 09:28

He could take his kids out of private school if he was that desperate. No, don’t lend him a penny.

Ginnnny · 11/12/2023 11:38

I'm sorry for your loss 😘

Please, please, say no to this person. He's not your friend. He doesn't care about you, just what you can do for him.

furtivetussling · 11/12/2023 12:10

Call me a raging cynic if you will, but what was the timeline between the sad loss of your relative and this so-called friend of yours jacking in his job?

I can't help wondering whether he has been playing a long game and gave up his job shortly after your relative died, thinking that it would be fine because you'll be loaded and he could always milk you for funds should the need arise.

Also loving your typo about his wife stopping work and becoming a 'SHAM'. 😂

StmMary · 11/12/2023 12:31

Tell him to do one. Your not a bank of friends.. If he doesn't like it.. His problem, not yours.. Helping people who's down and out. Yes. He made himself cashless.. Happy Christmas to him..

Arniesleftleg · 11/12/2023 12:37

@ButterCupPie it's awful isn't it? You do things because you like to help then they do this. Sad times.