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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

535 replies

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

OP posts:
laraitopbanana · 10/12/2023 17:31

Please say no, he will never reimburse and use the same reasons he asked you the loan….
if he has the money in a few weeks, he will be fine.

Lulu123450 · 10/12/2023 17:42

Sounds like an absolute loser with no morals what so ever, do not lend him any money EVER. You will never see it again. This person is using you and you would be crazy to even consider lending them a penny. You honestly do not need a reason, but if you feel like you need to, just say that the estate was in arrears and you are unable to help.

Iamgettingolderandgrumpier · 10/12/2023 17:43

Maybe the CF should have thought about who was going to pay mortgage before he jacked in his £120+ job. (DC could always go to a state school). Don’t give him or anyone else ‘inquiring’ about the estate/money.

LalaPaloosa · 10/12/2023 17:44

I’m disgusted by his behaviour. This is really poor form. You are not responsible for his mortgage or school fees. These are his responsibilities!

How manipulative. You need to say no. A firm no, and not take calls from this opportunist again. If he does catch you, you should recommend looking at some state school options. Cheeky so-and-so!

Shazam2 · 10/12/2023 17:52

No, you are not being unreasonable and by the sound of it, I would say you would be very lucky if you got the money back, don’t give it to him and you don’t have to give a reason

Sensibleandboring · 10/12/2023 18:03

edelweissnights · 08/12/2023 23:20

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

Sounds like an absolute cunt playing the victim card. How dare he bring children into it as if that validates him

pphammer · 10/12/2023 18:10

Stay away from him.
He's not your friend and he will not pay you back

Saucymushroom · 10/12/2023 18:10

Sod that, he made the decisions that have left him in this predicament, nobody else. I'm sorry for your loss and that you have had to put up with this.

Duchydutch · 10/12/2023 18:13
  1. this man is not a friend
  2. this man is irresponsible
  3. this man is a rude, obnoxious, entitled narcissist.

the only thing you owe this creature is a “No” followed by “go away little man”. Then out the phone down.

SkySecret · 10/12/2023 18:18

Urgh! People who play the “you’re rich and I’m so hard done to and skint” card because THEY chose to have children grates on me badly.

An old boss of mine (who I love dearly, he’s a fabulous person and a great manager) had a bad habit of doing this. He obviously earned more than me as he was my manager, two grades higher, but would sometimes comment that I had more disposable income than him…. well yeah, I haven’t chosen to have children and send them to private school…. but the fact that YOU have is in no way my problem!

Eddielizzard · 10/12/2023 18:19

I think it's extremely telling how friends react when you say no to a favour. If they act with entitlement and emotional blackmail, that's a boundary for me, and you have made your boundaries very clear. Well done. You'll always be wary of him unfortunately, because he's shown you just how manipulative he can be.

So sorry for your loss. It's very cruel that not only do you have to deal with your grief, but it shows you who your friends are.

Mt61 · 10/12/2023 18:20

Tell him No! He’s playing on your grief! He will come up with some excuse not to pay it back- had this with a friend who couldn’t pay that months mortgage- 9 months of asking for it back, had to trail to house in the pissing rain to get it back- she had a new outfit hanging up & sprayed tanned, ready to go out on the town😩 I absolutely don’t have anything to do with her now & ruined what I thought was a rock solid friendship

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 10/12/2023 18:24

Sorry for your loss and your discovery that some friends are not in fact friends at all. Funny how money makes that clear.

My father in law had to go to auction to buy back family heirlooms that his sisters sold. They cleared out the family home before the estate had even been settled. Some were things that had been specifically left to him. They couldn’t care less, everything went. He never spoke to them again after that, he was so hurt. No great loss, to be honest, pair of shrews.

Mrsgreen100 · 10/12/2023 18:25

No
never be a lender or a borrower
it’s a firm no

Rockschooldropout · 10/12/2023 18:27

My grandma always used to say “never a lender nor a borrower be” and it’s something I live by - obviously I’ve helped my adult children out when they’ve been struggling but I’ve never asked anyone for anything …
This man doesn’t need financial help .. he’s just decided he’s entitled to it .. what an absolute leech .. he’s trying to take advantage of you when you are grieving .. with friends like that who needs enemies ….
Id be blocking his number

NoodleDoodle24 · 10/12/2023 18:27

This is absolutely disgusting. Don’t have contact with this person ever again if you can help it. You could win the lottery - it’s YOUR win. No one, and I mean NO ONE is entitled to what YOU have.

This guy sounds awful. He clearly wouldn’t care about not paying you back as you aren’t close. Don’t even consider it. I’d block him never to speak to the scammer again.

3luckystars · 10/12/2023 18:28

I’m really sorry this happened, he is a total bum.

I think most parents would do anything for their children, would beg /borrow to keep them safe and fed, but to act like this just to keep them in a luxury lifestyle is very embarrassing.

He has a long way to fall yet. You are right to back away
from him.

My old boss used to say if you really want to see someone fall, first make them proud.

All the very best to you and sorry about your loss.

Thegreatestgroaner · 10/12/2023 18:35

Do not do it, you will live to regret it OP. I wouldn’t ask my family, never mind a friend. FUCK HIM RIGHT OFF, cheeky fucker

RetirementIsGreat · 10/12/2023 18:35

If you give him the money, you will not get it back. He will be coming back for more. He will tell other people and they will be showing up with hands open. It will never end.

anotherside · 10/12/2023 18:48

Only loan what you can afford to never see back again AND not be too upset about never seeing back again.

Original poster
edelweissnights · 10/12/2023 18:52

Thank you for all your comments! To the recent posters, I'm not sure if you've read all my updates. I did indeed say no (I messaged him that very evening after our call). The next day, he tried to contact me by calling 4 times and sending two messages asking me to 'call back' and 'call me back ASPAP'. I didn't. I blocked him.

Since then, I haven't heard a peep out of him. (There are other ways he can contact me still - such as email, but I have received nothing). The reason I didn't block him on all platforms was because as other posters on this thread had said, he may have been calling/texting to apologise for his behaviour - and that I should at least hear him out. (Also, an email is way less intrusive than your phone buzzing every two hours!) Whilst the previous posters on this thread - and I; myself; thought this was unlikely, I still gave him a shred out of doubt in not blocking on all platforms. Nevertheless; I suspect he was only contacting me the next day only to double down on his request. Even if he did apologise; I frankly would be wary of him going forward - as I've seen time and time again just how money changes people/friendships/dynamics.

OP posts:
MzHz · 10/12/2023 18:56

God he’s a vile little slug of a person

good riddance

im so sorry, it’s so disappointing to realise people aren’t as nice as you hoped they were

Original poster
edelweissnights · 10/12/2023 18:58

Mt61 · 10/12/2023 18:20

Tell him No! He’s playing on your grief! He will come up with some excuse not to pay it back- had this with a friend who couldn’t pay that months mortgage- 9 months of asking for it back, had to trail to house in the pissing rain to get it back- she had a new outfit hanging up & sprayed tanned, ready to go out on the town😩 I absolutely don’t have anything to do with her now & ruined what I thought was a rock solid friendship

I'm very sorry to hear this! Once you give a 'friend' money - you end up being bottom of the list in terms of being paid back. It'd be one thing if they had nothing leftover after food, mortgage, bills - but to get spray tans, go on nights out, buy new clothes etc... just goes to show that they don't value your friendship and generosity and that they have no intention of paying you back.

So so many stories on this thread in a similar vein where even agreements that were drawn up were defaulted on. What should have taken someone six months to pay back in (one instance on this thread) ended up taking 5 years. It's awful.

There have been stories on here too about people sniffing for money at a literal funeral/wake! It's despicable behaviour.

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 10/12/2023 18:59

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 08/12/2023 23:23

What an absolute cheeky cunt. He's not even on the bones of his arse, he just feels entitled to your money because you have no children!

I'd honestly just block him and never speak to him again. Horrible, horrible man.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Absolutely this! He's NOT your friend OP.

Sillyname63 · 10/12/2023 19:02

If the situation was reversed , would be keen you the money, , NO, and by the sound of it you wouldn't ask either. If he is short of cash he can go back to the very well payed job he had instead of going cap in hand to someone else.

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