Friend asking for loan. Knows I can 'afford it'. Went about it all wrong.

[edelweissnights]

A friend called me up and asked me for a loan... after about an hour of chit-chat (which was largely regarding my grief as I have recently lost someone). It wasn't so much a loan, but a desperate plea to pay his mortgage and kids' school fees. He is starting his own business (after jacking in a £120k + London city job) and basically said he needed the money.... yesterday. Since someone very close to me (family) passed, I've been getting a few of these calls from 'friends', albeit not people who were my friends - but my relative's friend. He knows I'm 'good for it' as it is somewhat obvious/is 'public' (if you search for it). I wish he hadn't spent an hour asking about 'the estate' (which is now the name instead of my relative's actual name) as it seems he was just fishing for intel. Also, to call someone up and put them on the spot is just mad.

I have a long term partner, but no children and he kept saying how 'lucky' I was to not have the life he does as children are expensive etc... but to be honest, I do not feel lucky after the year I've had and the things I have been through. Of course children are expensive. I understand that - and respect that.

I am not even sure I would get the money back but he assured me I would within a few weeks. It's not a number to smirk at either. The way he went about it was so so wrong though. He said: "If only I knew someone who would lend me the money... oh wait..! You're childfree! Lucky you! You must have lots of disposable income!!" (Even inheritance aside, I wouldn't have 'loads' of disposable income and the number still remains slightly eye-watering). It was the fact that he kept repeating: "If only I had a way to get the money...." He sounded desperate, but I hate how horrible he made me feel and how badly he went about everything. AIBU to say no - even without giving a reason?

@Cailleachian I think you are spot on. They see it as 'excess cash' that you don't need as you don't have children.

These men are usually divorced themselves and have a few kids from their marriage(s).

If not in a romantic context, then yes - within families! It's usually a brother who thinks he's Elon Musk - or someone claiming to be a financial genius/problem solver - and yes; as you say; regarding a problem they themselves created!

You did the right thing. If he can't afford the mortgage this month, how can he pay it next month? If he can't afford the school fees this term, how can he pay them next term? If he is struggling he will continue to struggle until something changes. You would never have seen that money, or probably him, again.

I have only ever lent money to friends that I knew I could afford to lose (the money, not the friends). And funnily enough, I have never been repayed. Once I bought a guitar from a friend that I didn't want or need just so we could avoid the awkwardness of an unpayable debt hanging over our friendship.

I haven't read the whole thread. I do hope you haven't given him any money. I am sorry for your loss. No friend would take advantage of your grief.

@3luckystars You're so right. I truly believe he doesn't think he's living a luxury lifestyle though... when we can all agree he is - and as you say; clearly not on the bones of his arse. He doesn't think having a 4x4, a huge home and two children who go to private school in Surrey is 'luxury'.

As a lovely previous poster wrote on here (whose job it is to process hardship funds applications in a school) she was shocked to see a mother who had voluntarily decided to go part time, ask for a fee reduction. This family had a 6 bedroom house (2 children) and 3 investment properties. No doubt this applicant thought she was 'poor'. The mind boggles.

I have to say, I've noticed (as a childfree person) that a lot of men also quickly come to resent paying for their kids - be it child support, education, school trips, clothing etc... whereas my female friends (who are mothers) will do anything for their children.

To be clear, I'm not calling all fathers bad - but I have seen men do crazy things to palm their issues onto their families/friends after they've had children. I also believe men are inherently far more selfish than women.

Absolutely no way.
You're grieving, he knows you've been left an inheritance & is putting his financial shit on you & trying to guilt you into bailng him out.
I can't believe the cheek of it. Tell him to f*ck off!

I'm so sorry for your loss 🙏 x

Let me share my experience OP- I am SO GLAD you didnt lend it to him btw.

About 5 years ago I asked for advice on here about lending a friend money to leave her verbally abusive, alcoholic husband. This friend was lovely, kind and sweet (or so I thought at the time). She wanted several thousand to leave him and start renting a flat/house to make a fresh start. She knew I had inherited a little from losing my parents young and kept hinting at it, then blatantly asked me outright. Did the whole emotional blackmail routine about how unhappy she was etc..

Problem was- she ripped through money like water and would regularly spend money on cosmetic procedures, designer clothes/bags, trips abroad, hair extensions etc etc. She told me this was all to make herself feel better about having to live with her horrible husband. I was wracked with guilt and felt I ought to help her out. Everyone, literally everyone, on here told me not to do it- if she really wanted to leave she could save up that money she was frittering away and use that to leave him if she really wanted to.

In the end, I saw the light and said no to the money, but committed to helping her plan a budget, getting support, help her with searching for housing options, offering emotional support etc. About two months later, she turned on me. It started with snarky comments about how I wouldn't give her money (bearing in mind she had booked an expensive trip abroad at this point and flatly refused to get it refunded to help her with moving house). Then, it escalated into full blown nastiness- slagging me off to other people, passive aggressive digs, her starting arguments for no reason, ending in one character assassination on me when all I had ever done was try to help her (I just wouldn't give her cold hard cash) and her not talking to me at all. This was after I had done loads of research on her behalf to help her in moving out/support she might be entitled to etc etc.

I haven't spoken to her in 5 years. I have heard she has had several opportunities to leave her H since then but chose not to and she's still unhappily with him, still spending loads on fripperies and still whining to anyone who will listen about how unhappy she is.

Thank goodness I never gave her any money. She was NOT a friend and neither is he. They are both parasitic leeches and it's very sad to realise that people like that are never true friends- they just use you for what they think they can get out of you and will leave you in the dust when it isnt financially beneficial to them. You 100% did the right thing. x

I’m amazed you’re even thinking about this. Just tell this person no. You don’t have to give a reason, it’s your money. It was his choice to have kids and it’s his responsibility to pay for them. The fact you are childfree has nothing to do with him and certainly puts you under no obligation. I’m sorry for your loss.

You say, " Sorry, I don't lend money", " not to friends or family, no matter the circumstances" ... then change the conversation, if he carrys on talking. You say, " I've already said no, please don't ask again".
Then, write this friendship off, he ain't no mate

He sounds ghastly!

If only he hadnt had 3 kids, opted for private school and then jacked in his job

As everyone else is saying, don’t do it. You’ll never get it back.

@mouldyfalafel I'm so sorry to hear about this happening to you. How utterly horrible! These things also scar you for life, I find.

Oftentimes in situations like these, people don't really want help budgeting or want to listen to advice etc... they just want 'free money' - especially if they think you've got a nice inheritance. Their needs trump yours (in their eyes)! They'll complain about their lives and think yours is one with no problems/issues - and usually they are the ones that got themselves into the very situation they are in. Not always, of course.

I'm sorry to hear about the fallout/aftermath - it's often the aftermath that's the hardest to deal with - like when they badmouth you to people... just because they didn't get what they want.

Ever since my relative died, it's been one thing after another - granted - largely from people he knew and not people I knew. I have to say, it's been a real eye-opener in terms of humanity, psychology and dynamics. I've seen the best of people and the worst - and it's been a filtering process I wish I hadn't had to go through, yet somehow I'm still glad I did.

@edelweissnights thank you. I have never felt like such an idiot as I insisted on here to everyone that she was such a lovely, kind person (and she genuinely seemed it at the time!). It's really kind of embarrassing to get people so wrong.

Sadly, it has made me much more suspicious of people and my trust is much harder to earn now. I'm really sorry for your loss too x

Unbelievable! If money is so tight he shouldn’t have given up his high paid job in the first place. If he didn’t have money to pay his mortgage, the idea that he can soon pay you back is a joke. As for paying the kids school fees, just take them out of private school. If that’s going to be a problem then perhaps, once again, he should have thought about it before leaving the city. Anyway, the whole idea of phoning somebody up who’s just lost a loved one to ask if you can borrow part of the inheritance is so disgusting, were it me I would never have anything to do with this person again in any circs.

It’s none of his business what your financial situation is. He’s exploitative and entitled.
Be strong, and don’t lend him a penny.
I’m sorry for your loss x

SHE HAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fgs what is it with people who cba to read even some of the OP's updates! So lazy

The cheek of it! Children are expensive? Yes they are but they don't have to be private school expensive 99% of us on here use public schools at no detriment to our children. He has put himself in that situation sending them to private school. I grew up on council estates and went to public schools and now have a great job completely off my own back. I wish I was lucky enough to be as poor as him though.

Oh yes, expect to be painted as a human version of Smaug, sat on your pile of gold and breathing fire at anyone daring to approach. I would recommend leaning into it though, because aside from some fucking annoying hobbits, AFAIR Smaug did get left alone.

I've skipped through the thread and I'm so glad you didn't give him the cash.
If he can't afford to send his child to a private school then they can go to state school. He can sell his house and downsize too. People living beyond their means when circumstances change through their own choice (giving up a high paid job) are reckless and stupid.
Enjoy your cash, as it is yours!

He's no friend! Tell the cheeky sod to piss off!

I suspect the thought of his precious children going to a state school would horrify him. It can't be! Not his children! (Am not mocking private schools - since I went to the same private school as his daughters currently go to!) Just the entitlement and the idea that he is 'poor' yet unwilling to make any changes to his lifestyle to reflect his situation.

If he had made any/some changes, I'd be a bit more understanding to his situation; such as changes to his own outgoings so as to keep his children in school, I'd respect that because he might see taking his children out of private school as a last resort. That said; I still wouldn't give him the money though - especially after the way he went about it and the manipulation - and certainly not after the way he pushed back when I said no.

The school fees for Spring term is £12,180 per child. He has two children.

Not RTFT only some of OPs responses. But how on earth does someone on only £120k per year or thereabouts afford £70k+ per year school fees? That is roughly equal to what you take home on a £120k salary.

'No, I never borrow nor lend money.'
Just say No. You'd never get it back and he'd be round for more after 2-3 months. He's not a friend, he's an ugly opportunist.

Yeah that's the thing. There's absolutely nothing wrong with putting your children into private school. But you can't expect anyone to have sympathy or pay for the tuition if things go wrong. Especially if he made the debt happen himself by giving up his job. He is putting his children into the position of moving to a different curriculum, leaving behind peers etc. But that is still a him problem. I guarantee he would never pay you back so I'm so glad you said no

The now ex partner was also working in the financial sector, but she quit too - to be a SHAM (yes, even her children are of secondary school age). Her salary must have been £100k+ too. But still, I maintain £70k+ on both incomes would be a stretch. Remember, there is a mortgage, bills, food, schools trips abroad, etc...

Yes, I'm sure the bonuses he had received were very generous - and I'm sure he had savings/family money from his parents etc... He didn't quit his job fairly recently, so he obviously had money/funds to tide him over for a while, but I suspect his business is not doing well - or something has happened.

The man is a total and unmitigated cunt. I would never allow him anywhere near me again.