Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

That sounds ds exhausting. I'd suggest to her that she seek psychological help for her anxiety then radically cut back on responses.

Not sure what your first paragraph means tbh - she’s married but has a boyfriend - but I guess irrelevant.

To be brutally honest I would indeed cool off the friendship and stop responding so frequently. Life is so so short and this is her problem to deal with, not yours. It sounds like you’ve been accommodating for long enough.

Ah sorry, my friend is married and her daughter lives part time with a boyfriend!

Let me get this straight, you get about 10 messages per day, for 9 months, of her saying that she thinks she/her family are going to die. You’ve tried telling her to stop and she hasn’t?

I would send her one last message saying that you are sorry she is unwell but you are unable to receive such messages in future. If she continues, block her.

At this point, i feel it would be horrible to just dump her. I know that this isnt going anywhere, as she obviously has a problem, but I would love to know how to deal with the texts.
I can't imagine what kind of response those texts expect from me?

Someone told me a while ago to just say the right things, commiserate and offer an ear, but it doesn't alter it. I am growing to dread her texts now and it is so sad.

I am not a doormat or naïve, so I can't see why she does this to me. Maybe she can't stop herself. I just wonder what she thinks i can do!

I'm confused by the young daughter part. Not young if she's living with a boyfriend?

Tell her if she's not willing to seek help for her health anxiety then you're not willing to hear about it. Then just ignore any texts like that.

Or just ignore those texts. Don't engage.

Just tell her the messages are asking you overwhelmed and distressed and you won't be able to reply to listen to response to them anymore. Suggest organisations that can help. Then only respond to messages about this and if she queries it remind her. You'll probably end up having to block or archive her though

Absolutely this.

Your friend is mentally ill, refusing to seek treatment and using you, very unfairly, as an outlet for her obsession with death with zero consideration for the impact it has on you. You need to tell her that if you receive one more message like this, you will block her. And then you need to stick to what you’ve told her.

Difficult one. Her life must be pretty bleak if those are the thoughts that go round her head on a daily basis. Even if you tell her it's nonsense she likely won't believe it and will continue obsessing.

You are unlikely to be able to change her thought patterns, sadly, she really needs professional help. To get that of course she needs to realise she has a problem in the first place.

My mother became obsessive over food, what additives there were, how bad it was for you, etc. She'd ring me up and say 'you aren't eating prawns are you? I just read an article about how bad they are for you!' I had endless discussions and arguments over it, never persuaded her.

It may be best to cut contact.

Def not unreasonable, it's exhausting.

I work in primary care and there's generally 3 groups of this we see. The majority is due to poor mental health/anxiety/shit life syndrome, which is really really difficult to get people to accept beyond the insistence that there is a physical cause to their symptoms, once all the tests are exhausted a new symptom or pain develops. Another portion know what they're doing and it's just for attention/further claims on benefits/not having to look for work. Then there's the much smaller 3rd group that unfortunately do have a cancer or MS etc, it;s a thankfully small group which is overwhelmed by the worried well and it's so sad they're getting lost in the waiting lists routinely over a year now for testing/diagnosis.

How good a friend is she? Have you told her straight up and ideally face to face that you find these texts difficult to handle and it's making you concerned for her mental health?

She sounds like she’s having some quite serious mental issues and you must be absolutely at your limit from continually hearing about death and disease all day long. It’s really not normal.

I think I’d present facts: ask her does she realise that she’s sent you around 2000-3000 messages related to worrying about illness and death? Then tell her that you will no longer respond to messages on this topic because there’s nothing more to say: it’s very concerning and you think she’d be better speaking to her doctor. Then stick to it, blocking if necessary.

You can’t say or do anything that would help your friend. She needs professional care.
I would be inclined to ignore the messages (after having a conversation with her that you no longer wish to receive them).

Hope about a bit of honesty.
Either in a message or when you see her in person, which ever you think works best.
Say something like 'i sympathise with your health anxiety and my attitude is supportive, but I'm being worn down by compassion fatigue and I don't want our friendship to be spoiled by that. I think you need to find a different outlet for your fears as leaning on me is being too much.'

Or words to that effect.

You could add that you realise it must be exhausting to be carrying all these gears, so perhaps she should try to get some help as it isn't doing her any more good than it's doing you.

Hope = how
Gears= fears

I think she has a good life and this must be something from the depth of her past. She has a very good life, so this is why it is obviously a different issue.
Before I knew her, she cared for her sick father for 5 years or so. She locked the rest of the family out and took complete control of his affairs. She is a very angry person, at the world really, but her home life is extremely supportive and good.

I can't be the one to mentally assess her, but i would feel awkward just saying goodbye. Her older brother is someone I now from a previous workplace, and whilst he cares about her he just says she won't change and we have to 'help' her.
Not sure I'm fond of that kind of enabling.

What is worse is that I am actually struggling, but this is the result of my own life choices. I have so much to do, so much work to secure and lots going on, but she never asks about that. I am just buried under her texts every day.

She even thinks it's ok to do it when I am in a meeting or working. It is as if I don't have a real life.

Sorry didnt see recent posts - i have told her that this is painful, that i dont know what to say. I have advised her to seek help and have brought up my concerns. I either get a swift nod or ignored.

I think you’re misunderstanding the nature of what she’s doing. She doesn’t actually care what sort of response she gets, so long as she knows she has your attention. And even if you don’t reply, she will still know that she has your attention; she knows her texts are getting through to you. She is literally using you as an outlet for her obsession. She knows it’s upsetting for you but she keeps doing it because she can’t stop and won’t accept that what she’s doing is wrong.

She doesn’t ‘think you can do’ anything. That isn’t why she’s texting you. None of what she’s doing is rational and there is zero point in trying to comfort her or reason with her, in the same way that you can’t reason with a compulsive hoarder who keeps deliberately filling the house with rotting rubbish despite the fact that she knows it means her kids will get taken away.

You know every now and again there will be a story in the papers about someone who has been jailed for making constant fake 999 calls, despite numerous warnings? And no amount of reasoning or explaining why it’s wrong can make them stop doing it? That’s what your friend is doing, except instead of calling 999 she’s texting you. You can’t help her.

It is a lot easier to drag someone down than to pull someone up.

If you've got enough of your own stuff going on and are struggling I'd suggest you block her messages and only speak on the phone or face to face.

What @10HailMarys said - 100%

Have you spoken to her husband or daughter about this? She really needs treatment very soon. It must be unbearable living ilinside her head. Imagine believing that?

You can’t fix this.’Health anxiety’ is exhausting when you’re the one chosen to be the recipient. It costs so much in terms of time and money in primary and secondary care. You could try a bit of straight talking but somebody like this will generally absolute refuse to acknowledge that their behaviour is not ok.

There is a form of OCD called by some pure O which causes obsessive thoughts without the compulsions. It sounds like she is constantly seeking reassurance and you are giving it. This is actually not helpful longer term. My OH has suffered with this and by giving reassurance things are ok it actually perpetuates the thoughts longer term-reassurance will never be enough but will give short term relief
. She needs to learn to live with the uncomfortable feeling of X might have cancer and ride it out and come through the other side to see it’s just on obtrusive thought. Only then will her brain re-wire.CBT could be incredibly helpful for her.
So no-don’t feel guilty about stepping back and suggesting mental health support. You will be doing her a kindness longer term.

You need to edit your post OP - you had me worrying about a young child with a mother with munchhausens by proxy but actually now you say the "young" daughter lives away? I would just distance yourself from the friend to be honest. Don't respond to the bizarre messages about death.

Why is the knee jerk response on here when someone is having metal illness problems to cut them off ? When will the stigma ever go .