Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

I would only reply to one a day Can you reply to each message with a link to mind charity or something like that
Then after a week once every couple days etc
Reply less and less over time if you don't want to just dump her
You must be exhausted this is very draining for you

Feelings of being buried alive must be awful! Please try to put a boundary in. If she isn't hearing you, tell her the consequences e.g. I won't respond, I will turn off my phone, whatever you feel comfortable with and then stick to it. It is completely ok to walk away from a relationship that makes you feel like this. She isn't your responsibility.

Sadly not for the past 9 months.
We used to meet every week for coffee, chat ont eh phone and have a lugh every week too, We used to drive out to the country and share a flask and sit in the breeze. It all suddenly stopped.
Since then i have tried to work out why, what had happened and what changed, but nothing had in her home or work life. Her brother says she was like this from childhood so thinks she was just showing me her best to suck me in.
That is depressing.

I can't advise in that way , maybe tell her family you are going to speak to a charity /counsellor as this can't be allowed to continue .

I could not take that. I'd probably reply with "We all die at some point. Some earlier than others."

To those advising boundaries and cutting down -

done this, it didn't work.
I initially moved it from email to text, then only answered once a day. It doesn't alter anything. The disasters keep rolling in whether i answer or not. She does get a bit peeved if I dont comply, and can be a bit aggressive, but then always says sorry later.

Nothing works!

Then she's an emotional vampire. Cut her off. Find other friends if you don't have any?

As far as I can see you haven't actually spoken to her DH about what's going on OP, if you have, what was his response? Is he worried, has he tried to get her to seek therapy? It sounds like you're being forced to take on worries that are really none of your concern. I think in your shoes, if you haven't spoken to the DH, then I would, and would tell him to deal with her. Tell him to get her some help, and tell him that her constant text messages of doom and gloom are dragging your life down, and while you care very much about her, she doesn't listen to your suggestions, so it's a very unfair situation and you need him to tell her to stop pestering you with this stuff. If he says he's tried telling her, or even taken her to a doctor or whatever, then I'm afraid in your shoes I would then tell her face to face, that she needs help to stop this health obsession that she has, that she clearly needs help, but you're not the person to give it to her, and in fact you're finding it's actually depressing you, and that if she doesn't stop, you will have no choice but to end the friendship. By listening to her woes for all this time, I think if anything, you may have done more harm than good, (I realise that this was obviously not your intention) as you have enabled her to keep dwelling on these things. I can understand that it doesn't feel right to walk away while she is struggling, but as you've said, she has a good life, and a husband and family to help her through this, and it seems that now, she has stopped bringing any pleasure or joy to your life, so it's time to pull the plug on it for your own sake. You can still show an interest in her by calling her DH and checking in with him now and again to see what's happening, but in all honesty, this is not your problem to deal with. Sorry if this sounds blunt, but there are just some people in life that we are not equipped to help, and this sounds like one of those situations to me.

Dont feel you have to fix this - you can comment on what she is doing if you like - ie you have had a lot of worries like that today, or just say something like, I dont know what to say.

Support, Empathy Truth is a good technique here. I.e you are her friend and care about her, you can see she feels worried but she has multiple worries like this every day and it has not ever been true.

Or you could also tell her that you will have to stop commenting as you dont feel it is doing anything to help her with her worries and it is draining you. But you will support her to find professional help with this if she wants. Whatever the reason she has started doing this, it is odd behaviour and clearly not helpful.

Ps = could she be peri menopausal? Sometimes anxiety gets out of control like this when there are hormonal fluctuations.

Then you need a stronger boundary - not responding, or blocking her number. If this is impacting you to this extent, it's ok to move on. You can't make her stop, but you can make choices about whether you want to continue the relationship.

How often do you see her in person? I’d arrange to meet her and tell her face to face that you cherish her friendship but you cannot receive messages from her any more about health concerns. Tell her it’s too much for you to deal with and you won’t read them or respond to them any more. And mean it.

You cannot make her seek help. But you can impose a boundary around your own response to the messages. And if you don’t want to cut her off (and I understand why) then you can at least refuse to engage in these exchanges. I’d also ask her to only message you after 6pm, or whenever suits you on the basis it affects you too much at work.

You don’t need to engage with telling her she is wrong or she needs help. Don’t make it about her. She has done enough of that. Just tell her you can’t cope with hearing about it. And absolutely stick to it.

Tried meeting her, she says yes understands but it doesnt change.
She is many years past meno.

I have also spoken with her family, they either say it can't be helped or enable it, good people but not sure what i can do.

I suppose in writing this i am at an end to know what to do now.
I hate the idea of cutting off, it seems so violent, but i wish i could manage it to be peripheral. Maybe it can't be?

In view of your update to be honest I would break off the friendship. I’d visit her or at least phone her and tell you you cannot deal with the messages any longer and since she won’t stop them you cannot remain in contact with her. Honestly you have endured this for far too long.

OP's friend has a family and it is up to them to get her help and support, not OP. Why does OP's mental health not matter? There is absolutely nothing she can do which will help this woman, and she shouldn't have to be bombarded with texts like this every day.

That is a great expression @Ulysees , she is using you like a rubbish bin OP, drop her

I can't see how contacting a local charity would help me assist a person who is blocked to opening up. I would love to fix it but can't

OP, It's not her you have to fix it's you that you have to fix. You are choosing to put yourself in this position and I don think you realise how messed up that is.

You can't control her you can only control how you deal with it. After nine months whatever you've tried is clearly not working. I think you should speak to someone such as a therapist or counsellor to help you get your own thoughts in order.
It's as though you are in an abusive relationship.

She does get a bit peeved if I dont comply, and can be a bit aggressive,

Can you guess an example of that @CassKins?

I was just about to say something similar. You have gone above and beyond to put up with this for so long, and it just isn't fair on you, especially as she is even contacting you at work. I wouldn't even call this a friendship - what do you get out of it, it seems very one sided?

I can understand wanting to help a friend going through a rough patch, but this is too much for too long. I agree, tell her you cannot deal with the messages, and if they don't stop then block her.

My dh cousin was like this. Texting me constantly that she wanted to kill herself. I was worried sick about her. I talked to her family and they said she did it to everyone. I was her emotional dumping ground. I just it longer and longer in-between my replies and she moved on very fast thankfully.

Unfortunately now I don't engage with her at all on socail media. It's just constant drama and her drama is her life.

I couldn't help her, bless her. But I did resent her family for not getting her proper help and letting her dump on me. I had a very young disabled child St the time. What I realised eventually was that no one involved gave a crap about how it effected me. It's all very sad

Are you a people pleaser op? Do you always struggle to say no? Maybe you were conditioned to be like that? Putting yourself first is a good thing. You need to be present for your own. She doesn't care about you. You feel guilty. What will happen to her without you? Nothing. She's like a long playing record. You can't fix her. Sje needs to look for help. Everyone enabling her won't help.
I had a friend who got worse over time. He actually turned very strange. Long story and outing. I had to totally cut him off. I haven't looked back.

Apologies for not keeping up with comments!

I am not a people pleaser, tend to live a life rather quiet and unintrusive. Just me and DH, my family were small and have all but died now. I have some good friend sand am happy with my life, albeit have some niggles.

I think my issue with friend is that I have never had this problem before and can't quite parse it. I care very much but have no idea where to draw the line.
She aways asks how i am what i am up to, but then lunges into the traumas.

I have just asked myself why I dont cut it off and can only say that i've never had to do this before and it feels uncomfortable. I thought i could maybe dumb it down, put it into a place where it didn't swallow me, but I can see what many of you are saying. Will have a think about that. Thank you.

I would tell her stop texting unless it is 'normal' stuff and you will block her if she keeps it up

@CassKins I can understand how hard it is. I'd been friends with that man for years. He was difficult but got worse. I'd never cut someone off before. He didn't even have family as they'd cut him off.

She's only asking how you are to keep you there for her own needs. She's selfish.

I personally would try and meet her in person op and tell her directly that you're worried about her. That you're seeing reems of messages from her coming in regarding her anxieties over health and you can see how much she's struggling with it and how terrifying it must be for her. I would tell her that it's beginning to take over your friendship and you are worried about it taking over other areas of her life as well and its time that she sits down with a gp or a registered and experienced counsellor and is honest about these fears. I'd offer to go with her to the appointment as support but I'd also say that you can't continue to be the place where she vents this anxiety because it's not actually helping her to change anything and it's starting to affect your mental wellbeing. I'd say that you love her and you value her friendship and ultimately you'll respect her decision regards what she wants to do next but you won't be replying to her messages about the health anxiety any more until she seeks professional help because you can't continue to be a sticky plaster on a wound that needs treating and you're only being honest about this because you care enough to be honest.

Then you leave it to her. She'll either do what you recommend and go to the gp or she won't. If she continues to message you I'd respond by saying, x I love you and care about you but I was very clear that I won't be responding to these messages unless you are receiving professional help with your mental wellbeing. If you continue to send them I won't reply to them but I will absolutely respond to other things you want to talk about. And then you follow through. She'll probably be angry but it might push her to make changes. And if it doesn't, then you know you've done all you can so either the friendship continues with your boundaries in place or she can't manage that and then maybe you do need to step back to protect your own mental health.

She's an adult, there's nothing you can do for her other than give her the advice and information and support to make changes and take steps to get professional help herself.

I wouldn't end a friendship over this personally because she's clearly struggling and is mentally unwell. It could be a form of ptsd, ocd, or other things and true friends are there for the bad along with the good. But you do need to find a new balance and she does need to respect your boundaries.