Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

Perhaps you are the only person left she feels like she can say these things to if you offer a sympathetic response - typically what happens is that other people would stop replying as it is exhausting.

Is it a fixation with the same illness or is it a different one each time? Perhaps you can start with, 'Remember when you thought that x months ago and it turned out to be nothing? Don't worry!' to try and enforce the thought process of rationality to her and open the dialogue. I know you are trying to offer an ear which is nice of you but just based on your response I presume the dialogue closes when you say I'm sorry to hear that. By opening the conversation perhaps you can try and in still some reason or find out more about her thought process and then if you say something along the lines of, 'Perhaps you should speak to a doctor about what is going on and why you feel this way and explain this has been going on for a while. I would explain that you have seen this before etc. If it turns out to be nothing, have you heard of health anxiety?' Best case scenario is that she goes to a doctor and fully explains why she thinks everyone is ill and the doctor catches on. Worst case scenario is that she is upset with you because you implied that she is experiencing health anxiety and may interpret that you think its 'all in her head' which may strain your friendship - but you will have done the right thing and possibly helped her in the end!

Of course none of this is technically your burden to bear so I understand partly where other comments saying cut her off are coming from as it is emotionally and mentally draining. But at the same time if you are not prepared to do so and are worried about your friend, and are prepared to take on the mental/emotional load, then nudging her to get help is probably a good way to do so!

I would agree that she has a form
of OCD and the reassurance is what she’s seeking. She needs some CBT and/or antidepressants to cope. It can be successfully treated.
Must be exhausting for you - maybe she’s keeping her illness secret from her dh and daughter(?).
Can you meet up with her and face to face suggests she gets appropriate help? Of course we all have some health worries, but not to this extent if we are robust mentally.

OP - I have OCD - it sounds to me like she has health related intrusive thoughts OCD. I know of someone with severe intrusive thoughts OCD and they can act in a similar way (not the texting) but by compulsively and obsessively making statements listing their worries regardless of what is happening around them.
I suspect if she has this, you are not the only person she is doing this to - she would be doing it her husband as well. Have you talked to him?
I would talk to him and if he is not helpful I would text her and say "I think you might be having intrusive thoughts - I care about you and would like to but I am not trained to help you with this - this is the number for your local Mind centre who can provide you with the help I think you might need."

This sounds like a good compromise. Ultimately it sounds like she needs professional help but only she can seek it out for herself. If she refuses, and you try everything you can to support, then this is a good way to set a boundary around what you can manage whilst not drowning, and not cutting her off

She likes the drama. Its her safe space. She'll never change

You like the drama too, although I understand that you dont realise it

People are either radiators (they warm your life) or a drain (they suck the life from you)

She's a drain

You've tried the first avenue of advising counselling etc and she blatantly ignores you. Because that's not why you're in her life. She doesn't need you to give her helpful advise she wants to add you to the drama circle.

I'd text back
'Hi df. I messaged last night as I'm worried about you. I talked about counselling as over the last week/month you've sent me x messages regarding death or illness. You blatantly ignored my message. This is not healthy for either of us.

Going forward, I love being friend however, I will not allow you to continue to use me like this. It is upsetting at best and depressing at worst to read these messages multiple times a day. Do not send any more. As I said I value our friendship but it has to be be a positive one for both of us.'

I'd then block her for a week.
'Df I asked you not to send me messages about death or illness, to look after my own mental health I'll be blocking you for a week'

Then two weeks etc

She's not a friend. You could be anyone, don't be bullied into filling whatever role she needs fulfilled, it can be filled by any random person.

Send her a weekly email chatting about the garden or the weather and ignore all the illness etc the way she ignores anything meaningful you have to say.

Then drop it to fortnightly, then monthly.

Ironically, she will make you ill.

I will try to answer a few of the questions here, thanks for trying to help!

She does tell other people, all day every day.
Her close family say, and I quote from a recent text "She will always be this way there is nothing we can do but be there for her"

She has never considered needing therapy and finds it insulting. In fact a recent turn up that horrified me was her saying she thought people who have MH problems are possibly lying. She does not think the mind can be unwell in itself, that it is either stubbornness or brain disease

Sometimes I back off and don't answer for a few days, then she will begin to hound mine or my DH text asking if something terrible has happened to me. She also shares her husband and daughter's private medical stuff with me which they merely roll eyes at.
She really isn't alone, but does make enemies at work easily. She has gone through several jobs where 'everyone was gunning for her', and has been in several disputes after arguing with a colleague. Nothing came of these but she always blamed everyone else.

On occasion, she has screaming anger fits, even in public, like deep, loud bullying anger. She would do this at medical staff when her paren't were in hospital and create immense scenes. She also does this at home but never when daughter is there. Her DH doesn't like it but is obviously long used to it now.
One example was shouting very loudly in a surgery when her DH didn't want to see a nurse (for an illness he didnt have!), she performed in front of a waiting room full of people then stormed out.

This is all I can offer about her negative side as i have seen it.
Her positive side is quickly vanishing in this mess. She was fun, cute, warm previously.

One issue I have is that her family seem to now regard me as something of a sister to her. Since I first communicated concern they have doubled down on this in fact, so telling them was not a great move.
So now when I try to back off, one of them might ask me why. Her older sister sent me the text saying 'we need to look after her' felt as if i was being regarded as one of them.

If they or she questions the no contact you just have to say “I need to prioritise my own well-being at this time”, again and again. No other explanation needed.

You are way too over invested in this woman. I don't think things will change for the better for you until you realise that. This really isn't normal and sounds very codependent to me. Just back way off and only reply occasionally with one of the helpful responses people have suggested. Kindly, you are wallowing in this.

Bloody hell she's sounding worse 😳

There is one more thing I feel that I want to share that does have weight in this. It could be outing but I strongly doubt they will see it. This is lengthy, sorry

We grew up living close by her family (farming) on land beside which my dad ran a part time horse riding school. My dad was also employed and wanted to go full time with the school. Her dad, farmer, helped us with the transition and gave us more land to expand. We rented some of his land and buildings to do so as it grew, then eventually bought them.
Many yrs later after my dad retired we moved house/downsized. Her family eventually sold off all the land as they retired and downsized too. There were no financial connections between our families and we were 'equal' financially.

I never knew her much back then as she had different school, hobbies. As an adult she went into elderly care after school, i went to uni so never saw her until middle age when we reconnected.

BUT
It unfolded that back in the day, our dad's had done some work together on some shared land which legally my dad had 1/2 owned. After her parent's passed away it seemed a small sum was destined to come to me for that, which was decent of them to mention.
Oddly though, she controlled all the particulars of the will without even showing it to her brother. Everyone was supposed to trust her and get it done. For some reason the part that was for me was put into her own bank account the week he died.
It took her 4 years to give it to me (there was no probate or legal issues and all had been settle years before.) I felt weirdly uncomfortable about that and only ever mentioned it once. Her reply was oh of course we can transfer it to you this week! - yet it never happened, there was always some excuse. If i didn't mention it, neither did she.

Early in Feb this year I mentioned sorting it, if possible and this time she sent it to my account. Her family, when they found out how long it took, were horrified and said they had no idea why she had done that. Since then her behaviour has changed, although it had begun to quite a bit before. I had even wondered if she had kept it from me to keep me in her life. But i don't know.
I have tried to make arrangements to do stuff, but nothing comes of it.

I don't like how I feel uncomfortable about my own dad's money being given to me. She doesnt not seem to have any problem with the financial side of things but I am wondering if the withholding was used to control me.

OP,

With each update it makes me more sure that you need professional help to deal with this. Your way of thinking is really not right. I'm not saying you have MH issues I'm just saying you need help with this.

If you don't how do you think this is all going to pan out?

You think I am mentally ill because i have a friend who is causing concern? You know nothing of my life, seems a bit ott!
It is an awkward situation but not unsolvable.

Do tell me which 'way' of my thinking is 'not right'?

Not 'not right' but not expected normal, or healthy, to still be engaging at the level you seem to say you are engaging at. Are you really replying to multiple emails or texts per day? To someone you barely saw for most of your life? And whose behaviour is upsetting you. I really do think the 'normal' response by now would to be responding once a week or so with non commital replies, or ignoring them completely. You do seem unhealthily intertwined with this woman, who clearly has mental health issues.

Thanks for clarification.
My long update mentions how i feel regarding something from the past. Admittedly i feel awkward even though, technically, i have nothing at all to feel awkward about.
I woudn't call this 'needing professional help' as such, just a bit of wise advice?

I do appreciate that this is in my hands only, I can do whatever I want. But i grew to care deeply about her and miss her old self. I don't think it is unusual to stick by a troubled friend for a year even if that does eventually become unworkable (like it is now).

Ignore the messages (explain to her why) but don't ditch the friend. Replying to the messages won't help anyway it's a way for her to seek reassurance but it will just be making the things seem more real to her.

Unfortunately since early this year the 'friend' part has gone.
The messages about disease are all there is left.
The most i get now is a 'how are you today, weather is awful"

I have offered a trip out, a meal, a walk and a day gardening in the last 3 months. She never replies to those or will just say maybe.

I suppose I find it hard to just 'drop' her as i seem to have been drawn in to the families trust in a way and do not wish to upset anyone. But yes it is taking a toll on me now, it is quite depressing.

@CassKins you seem to have bags of patience I give you that. A 'sister' would not have withheld your money from you for four years.... that's terrible. It all reads quite enabling (from her family) everyone recognises she has
An issue but won't have it out with her.

It's all very odd. I admire you for wanting to stand by her. She does need help though and she has to recognise that herself and I think that's where the problem may lie.
Maybe just grey rock her to try and encourage her to ask why...and then explain how you feel.

And get your DH to block her! If you don't want to respond or talk to her you should be allowed your space.

Again I urge you to cut contact with her, if her family query why just tell them you can no longer cope with her and are putting your health first. The financial aspect rang particularly familiar to me as my aunt also attempted to use money to keep me in her life listening to her constant (nonexistent) health issues. My aunts dog was fed boiled chicken and nothing else because she decided it was allergic to dog food despite many vets (she'd keep going to different ones) telling her the dog was fine. Every day there was a complaint and it caused me immense distress until I finally cut contact. I highly recommend it.

@CassKins you don't need an epic fall out though just a slow withdrawal.
Particularly in light of offering her things to do and time. Just slow respond and be non committal.

I suppose I fear that someone might think i was putting up with her to get my money
This isn't at all how it is, and it wasn't even meant to be in her account to begin with, but there we go.

That circumstance is almost irrelevant at this point. I have never had a problematic friendship before, outside of high school, lol, and feel a bit out of step with this.

Bearing the weight of other people's mental disorders is exhausting and can directly affect your own.

I'd say contact her and tell her what you've told us - that you're worried not about her family health but her mental health.

Ask her to seek counselling / treatment.

Because you can't receive any more of these messages as they are harmful to you.

If she ignores you and continues, she feels she's more important than you.

That's when you decide if you are going to block. And explain why if you do.

Each time she emails you give shorter and shorter replies, with more and more time in-between.

In each one say "we can discuss next time we meet" - as she never does want to meet.

As the reward she seeks (attention) fades away so shall she gradually drop away.