Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

She sounds very like my aunt who made life very difficult for my dm and I by expecting us to be constantly available for her to complain to, it was always health related and yet she wouldn't see a doctor and like your friend she would say her pet was ill too. After years of listening to her and getting chastised if I didn't answer or call her back quickly enough (she didn't work and had no appreciation that other people didn't have the free time she had) I stopped answering her completely, just stopped. She tried getting my mother to pressure me into contact but she said it had nothing to do with her and about a year later my mother did the same. It made a huge difference to both out lives and to be honest we regretted not taking that qction years earlier, I used to hide after the phone calls so my dh wouldn't see how upset I was, the effect of someone putting so much on you mentally but refusing any help or assistance is shocking. Do yourself a favour and block her number. She had family who enable her behaviour, let them deal with it, put yourself first.

I used to think it was terrifying for her but she jumps like a flea from one to the other day by day, so yesterday's thing is dead the day after.

I have a feeling it is drama, not exactly anxiety. She is thriving on this. I think it is painful for her in the moment, but she finds excuses to never, ever enjoy things. She won't go on holiday, she won't go to any but one supermarket, her family are like prisoners, and for some reason they don't complain.

Send her a message saying that you like her and want to be her friend but that as you have hinted/ implied/ said in the past she is exhibiting evidence of serious mental health issues and you are both worried for her and struggling with the effect it has on your own mental health, and can therefore no longer engage with it. If she is prepared to accept that her behaviour is abnormal and would like support - eg with seeking help/ talking about it - you will be there for her, but at the moment you don't feel responding to any more of her health-related messages is good for her or you. Then STICK to it. Literally just blank anything in her messages that relates to illness or death and answer anything else as if those bits weren't there.

If you want to 'safety-net' in your head then you could possibly make an internal decision that you will act on any messages that may be genuinely concerning (but NOT by replying to her).

Eg:
'Oh no, daughter is limping, she's going to die' -> ignore, do nothing.
'Oh no, cat is foaming at the mouth!' -> do not reply but forward her text to her husband.
'Oh no, husband is lying unresponsive at the bottom of the stairs!' -> call 999 yourself and send an ambulance round.

But no matter the level of provocation DO NOT engage directly. If she takes the pop and decides not to talk to you any more then to an extent that is the problem solved, and her choice, not yours. You will have done what you can.

If she completely ignores a clear ultimatum from you, and barrels on regardless of a total lack of response for a few weeks, then I think you would be entirely reasonable to block her.

It's not a 'kneejerk response' in this case. The OP has tried to help her friend for many, many months and her friend has still not sought professional treatment and has shown no care or consideration for the OP's own mental wellbeing at any point. The reason people telling the OP to cut her friend off is because the friend isn't getting any better and the OP's own mental health is suffering from being her friend's emotional punchbag for months and months.

The OP is this woman's friend, not her psychiatrist or her social worker.

I have more than one mental health condition and I'm well aware of stigma, but this isn't a case of stigmatising mental illness AT ALL. It's a case of protecting the OP's own mental health and wellbeing, and of taking a firm stand that might well the thing that makes her friend finally seek treatment.

DOI - my mother has health anxiety like this, complicated by the fact I'm a doctor. She essentially wants to constantly offload all her health worries to me but only wants me to respond with reassurance that all her symptoms, real and imaginary, are nothing to worry about. If I respond with 'not sure, maybe see your GP' she will take that as my professional opinion that she's at death's door and it all escalates. But if I do reassure her it only lasts until the next day. She also refuses to see her actual doctor/ attend any screening/ engage with medical professionals in any way as she's terrified of being told she does have something wrong with her. So if she ever does mention anything actually worrying I can't get her to do anything about it anyway. I'm currently in the process of trying to do the above but in a 'more suitable for close family member' kind of way. Because honestly my heart sinks every time I get a whatsapp from her. So sending solidarity 😑.

I relate to the heart sinking.
It must be even worse for it to be your mother, and if you are a GP then it goes to show I have nothing in my arsenal to do here. it is impossible.

This friend has helped me so much in the past that it would feel terrible to just dump her. But then i have also done my dues, it is so awkward.

Sadly i have actually done many of the things advised here, and it changes nothing, which will likely encourage people advising me to cut contact. I realise i am at that point. Yet I feel that our entire friendship would be shit on if i do that. Our families were once closely connected and i wonder if that is why I have this stupid loyalty.

I say all of this stuff from the perspective of someone who has more than one mental illness - I've been very, very unwell mentally at times.

It absolutely is drama rather than health anxiety. She's essentially addicted to making people worry about her. Notice that she isn't taking her 'foaming at the mouth' cat to the vet, and that she isn't at the doctor's every day and phoning ambulances. Instead, she is texting you and getting your attention. She gets some kind of release from doing that.

That's not to say that her condition isn't debilitating for her - I'm sure it is. She's probably mentally drained from her compulsion to text people with this stuff. She's definitely deeply unhappy. But reassurance and concern aren't actually helping her. She probably doesn't really care either way what response she gets, to be quite honest, and she certainly doesn't care what impact she's having on other people; there's no room in her head for that.

At the moment, by continuing to engage with her, you're pretty much enabling her and fuelling her compulsion. Even if you don't reply, she knows you're reading the texts. She won't seek genuine psychiatric help while she has you as an outlet. She needs professional help, not handholding and kindly reassurance from a well-meaning friend.

YOUR mental health is clearly suffering from this and you need to look after yourself. You cannot possibly continue like this; it will make you ill.

I hate the idea of cutting off, it seems so violent, but i wish i could manage it to be peripheral. Maybe it can't be?

OP it isn't violent. It's withdrawing for your own sanity. Whereas I would say that she is being mentally and emotionally violent messaging you so many times every single day. She is being totally selfish and self centred and doesn't care about the effect her behaviour has on you or anyone else. As long as she gets her 'fix' of drama and attention.

There is no approach that you can take, nor anything you can do to change her becaue she doesn't want to change. She gets some sort of reward for doing this and has no intention of letting it go. There may be an underlying issue but as she won't look for help and gets annoyed when you suggest it that is not your problem. You are not her mental dumping ground - well at the moment you are because you're allowing yourself to be, but that is not your role, you didn't sign up for it.

Yet I feel that our entire friendship would be shit on if i do that.

You're not the one shitting on it. She is - 10 times a day, every day. That is too much to ask (or in her case demand) from any friend. Take a deep breath, message her one last time to say that you're sorry but you can't help her any longer and need to step back from this friendship and then block. You will feel the weight lift from your shoulders the minute you do.

Just don't read the text messages. I mainly use WhatsApp and I often don't realise people have sent me actual texts, because I have all notifications turned off. Seriously, I'd ignore them for a week or so and let them build up, have a quick flick through once a week at a set time and don't respond unless they are not health anxiety related. If it still carries on you will have to block her.

I have a family member that went on and on and on about anti vaxx covid conspiracies and eventually everyone muted or blocked them. Eventually she got some help and is now better but that didn't happen until everyone stoped responding or trying in placate or reason with her. You're at the point now where responding is enabling her.

We actually email at the moment as i stopped answering texts.
When she asked me why i said it was me wanting a rest from work.
So she emails this stuff now.
She often tries to lure me back to texts as she knows she can find me anywhere at any time that way but i ignore them. I had to!

I do email her back though.
I think deep down she hates me for doing that as she would like access to my entire day.

Even easier. Put a rule in to send them all straight to a folder called hypochondria without touching the inbox. Then scan once a week before deleting. She's dragging you down with this and you sound like you're becoming codependent. Pull yourself out.

Could you email your concerns to her GP?

I know they won't discuss her with you, but at least you then know you've done what you can to get her help

What do you get from this friendship now? Anything?
Maybe email her that you're stressed and unhappy by her messages, that you feel she doesn't care how she makes you feel, and if you can't find a way forward, you'll have to end the friendship for your own wellbeing

It's not as if she doesn't have family around her

Health anxiety falls under an OCD train of thought - she can't help it but needs psychological help to overcome it and manage it. ASAP.

I'd change your replies to rational trains of thought, ie, 'I'm sorry she has a limp, but a limp won't result in her dying". I'd be blunt, to the point and rational. Don't show any signs of buying into it - that only feeds it. It's a vicious cycle but she needs to break it and get proper help.

Once she realises that you're not engaging by somewhat placating her and instead you're being rational and straight, she may either a) be more open to dialogue about getting help or b) move on from texting you.

You're a lovely person for asking advice on how to deal with this situation rather than just ignoring her.

I have tried the 'rational train of thought', she either ignores it or changes the subject quickly.

I wake up and there's another - " how are you? hope today goes well, i have had a bad time here, so much worry, such and such is ill again and my dog is breathing too fast, my DH has flu and it doesn't look right, can tell he is frightened, and my bowel results say nothing is wrong but i dont think they checked properly...."

And that's it!
Every fucking day.
Our family has some history and i would feel bad walking away, but to be honest at this point I feel something bordering contempt.

How boring. Hope you get the guts to block her.

She really needs professional help. Tell her so. Don't dump her or be harsh with her or assume that she is choosing to take advantage of you just out of selfishness or cussedness. But just say that she needs a professional therapist, which you are not: you can try to help her to find out about therapy sources, but can't act as a therapist.

I suspect that a lot of this is based on her experiences with her father's illness, probably further triggered by the pandemic. In any case, she needs proper help to recover.

Actually pissed off now.
Sent two lengthy emails tonight expressing concern, telling her that i missed our chats and wondered if there was anything i could do to help. I mentioned my counselling and said it would be so good if she could get some respite from worry.

Her reply was " have you put your tree up yet? let me know what you'd like for xmas!".

I am quite fed up with the blatant headfuck here, and agree with some of these posts.

Do you think you're at the end of the road?

I am beginning to feel somewhat manipulated.

Is it time - or past time - that you cut contact

Heaven knows you've tried
And I can't see what you get out of this
It's like you're just a dumping ground

No, I'm sure she doesn't get a 'fix' or a 'reward' out of it. She can't help it, because it's an illness: just because it's a mental illness, doesn't make it any less genuine than if it really was the physical illness that she fears.

This doesn't mean that the OP needs to sacrifice her own mental health to be the constant recipient of the delusions, just as it's not her duty to expose herself to contagious illness if there are professionals who can help far more effectively. But the friend shouldn't be morally condemned for having a mental disease.

I have decided to have no contact tomorrow at all. I'm quite angry by the recent communication. It is like i am being played.

In what way?

That she ignores anything constructive and keeps sucking you back in?

I suppose, i get sucked in by being polite. it is like a void, an abyss now, it takes and never gives. I need some distance. I have felt guilty for thinking this but I can't push it down now.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty for

You have tried more and for longer than most