Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

Have you anything to lose?

Do you think that maybe she's 'self-medicating' with alcohol or drugs? I know a couple of people who drink too much, and this sort of alternating between obsessing on a subject and ignoring everything is very much what they do. NOT easy to deal with.

As far as i know, and i know her DH, she doesn't drink more than a few glasses of wine per week. Never used any other substances.

I think, after some soul searching, what keeps me tied to this is feeling obligated due to past family connections, her family helped mine once long ago, and her dad was good friends with mine. I truly have cared and wanted a good friendship but she stopped wanting to know me a long time ago. I feel like a robot who listens and is never heard. She feels like family in a way.

I think writing here means i have had enough.

I think that's wise OP. You have to think of your own wellbeing
You can't help her

I think you need to tell her (and her family if they ask as you seem concerned what they think) that her texts are making you ill. It would be making me ill if I had to put up with that for a week or a month let alone years.

Block her number. That's not to say you have fallen out with her and won't say hi if you saw her in the street but no more texts.

If she must share these thoughts I have just put the questions into "bing ai" and it gives (long) but sensible replies to:
"My cat is foaming at the mouth what should I do" or
"my daughter is limping what should I do"

-suggest she does this if she must as at least she won't make an ai bot depressed.

She spent a long time looking after her sick dad. Her identity is wrapped up in being the caregiver and neither her DH or DD need that from her so she is now looking for medical problems where there are none.
I think she also feels the need to have a reason other than her own lonliness to contact you.
It would be good if you could open the subject with her about how all of this has left a big hole in her life and discuss ideas on how to fill her time constructively. (Would discourage volunteering to help disadvantaged as she would likely enmesh herself there.)

Next time she sends such a text I'd reply and say 'you thought this last year / month but they are all still alive and healthy' then change the subject to Christmas trees or presents. Don't engage in the health discussions and change the subject. Ignore the health bits and reinforce the type of conversation you want to have.

My DH started experiencing health anxiety a couple of years ago and it is exhausting. I a nurse so we have some equipment around the house and when he first took a panic attack it was so out of the blue I thought he was unwell so checked his blood pressure and pulse etc but that hasn't helped. No amount of reassurance will help, if he's feeling anxious. If he has a mild cough he is completely convinced he's short of breath and wheezy and going to die. If he has a headache he is absolutely sure its a brain tumour and no amount of me telling him he always did take mild headaches when busy at work and a mild pain which feels like a band around his head is much more likely to be a pressure headache than a brain tumour will help.

I had to stop checking his obs at home because he was becoming obsessed and being in a state of panic raised his heart rate and then he would be convinced he was actively dying of a heart attack. Honestly the only thing that has helped is antidepressants, lifestyle changes to ensure he is exercising every day and grounding techniques.

TBH I would be very blunt at this point and say that she thinks x, y and z are going to kill her but there's no sign of any of them.
However there are clear and obvious signs of health anxiety which is in itself a serious mental health problem and that she needs to get help for that, or that the anxiety will make her physically ill.

She’s using you as a dump valve, she isn’t bothered about your own health or anxiety and so long as you keep letting her she’ll continue to do it.
It appears that she’s done the same to her brother who has had enough of her himself, thus passing the baton onto you.
Don’t feel obligated by your shared families past history, you don’t owe her a debt of honour because her dad helped your dad in the past.
Block her or delete her msgs unread.

She is a bully and has broken down family so they put up with her

Health anxiety is debilitating and often exhausting for those involved. People seek regular reassurance, which she may be trying to get from you. Although, often no level of reassurance is enough. It definitely would be helpful for her to access therapeutic support.

My sister had all of this when she had OCD. People think it's all about washing hands but it isn't, she didn't obsessively wash her hands at any point. She was just obsessed about health and illness, mainly her children.

She would phone me and go round in a loop, talking about the same worry, several times, looking for different answers. She would phone my mum too. In the end I had to insist she went to the doctors. And i stopped enabling her to go on her loop for hours, I would talk an issue through once and then tell her I wasn't going over it again.

Sertraline saved her. She is still on a very high dose. I love her and support her because she is my sister. If it was a friend, I would have to tell them I couldn't engage with 10 texts a day and that you believe they need to see the doctor.

It's awful and debilitating but you are not helping her by letting her constantly message you. You do need to also take care of yourself.

This.
She is mentally ill, won't seek treatment. You aren't a therapist. She is flat out abusing you with this trauma dumping.

Block her texts.

I would say to her. You are unwell bit mentally, not physically. You need to seek professional help. I need you to resoect my boundaries so we can have a healthy friendship.Your constant messages about health are too much for me. If you send one more, I will block your number."

The more I read the more I think she's using you. Like the previous poster said she's an emotional vampire. It's made me remember a friend who was very woe is me. The last straw was after an hour long phone call moaning at me about stupid things she says "oh before I go how are you" so she wasn't willing to give me much time! And my Nan had just died i was devastated and could have used a friend. I binned her off after that. She could Use someone else

She is ill - mentally. Treat it like you would a physical illness. Tell her this isn't normal and she needs to find help. Send her links. Suggest she goes to GP to talk about what's going on in her head. If you have friends in common perhaps agree you'll try this approach together. You could also try talking to the husband. Not suggesting you do this repeatedly - clearly you can't - but I think she does need someone to point her in the direction of therapy or whatever. Then you will have done what you can.

Respond to texts just once a day supportively ‘this sounds like health anxiety, best to talk your GP about getting help for anxiety’

and keep texting this daily (naming Heath anxiety and where to get help) but don’t feed into discussing any Heath issues. She’s not got a diagnosis

Have you spoken to her husband and actually told him your concerns, shown him these messages/emails so he knows the extent of the problem?

It doesn't sound to me like she's looking for drama (because at no point have you suggested that you actually feed in to this, you're not dropping everything to go and take the dog that can't breathe to the vet for her etc.) and it's been going on for so long now that there must be something significant driving it. If she was just wanting to get a bit more attention, she'd have given up by now as she's clearly not getting it from anyone.

Unfortunately, unless she is a risk to herself or others (which it doesn't sound like she is), no one can intervene without her consent - she would need to see that there is a problem and access MH support herself, which is a really difficult place to be in as a caring friend.

I'm wondering if her husband isn't aware of the scale of the issue because you are her outlet rather than him. The fact she's cut herself off from all other external stuff (shopping, socialising etc.) is also a concern. It sounds more than just anxiety to me.

It sounds like this thread is helping you process it all and what you need to do about it.

That most recent email exchange lays it bare, doesn't it - total and blatant disregard for your attempt to put boundaries in place.

I will add they I think your boundaries have been couched quite softly so far, and that it's overdue time to add the teeth to them. Not to be cruel, but because softly wrapped boundaries have been well and truly proven to not work here.

Boundaries need an "or else I will do <this thing>". Often in polite and reasonable relationships this is implied, and very mild, like "please don't call me at work or else I will be cross when i answer" but in this case she has learned that your boundaries do not have an "or else". This needs to change and the or else needs to step up.

I'd also suggest being very simple and direct with her.

"I have asked you to get therapeutic help. I do not want to be on the receiving end of these messages and emails, do not send them to me any more, send them to your GP and therapist. I cannot go on reveiving these messages from you, it is damaging to me. If you do send me any more I will block you."

And then FOLLOW THROUGH.

Yes maybe be really blunt about her needing professional help before blocking?
When did you last physically see her? Could you go round and say this face to face?

Are you wishing for the friendship you used to have, OP? Because sadly that has gone. You have more patience than many other people would, but it's not doing you any good, or fixing your friend's health obsession. Time for a change of expectations.

I read the general tone of the thread to be that the friend needs professional help, with suggestions to block only anfter explaining the effect it was having on OP, giving useful advice/signposting to help. This seems to because after 9 months the OP’s mental health is suffering with the of multiple messages daily and we all only have much to give. I didn’t get the impression that either the OP or Pps were generally being unsupportive or stigmatising health anxiety.

If the daughter is old enough to live with a boyfriend is the mother with health anxiety menopausal? Health anxiety sometimes kicks in then.

That sounds totally exhausting OP.
I'm not medical but it sounds a bit like a OCD intrusive thoughts loop and part of the 'ritual' is messaging you. I had a colleague who was like this and every time she heard of an illness, she sooner started getting symptoms of it, except every test showed she was fit and healthy.
She did eventually get help. It didn't cure her but she developed techniques to manage it.

Whether your friend seeks help or not though, it's clearly unfair to dump all this on you. Have you ever had a face to face conversation with her about it? It's easy for her to dodge past an email or a text but what if you were to print off some of the messages and show her that (for example), "in the last week you've been convinced you've got cancer, MS, arthritis...etc etc". And then say that you're concerned for her and would really encourage her to see a doctor. In that chat, you could say that you love her, support her (if you do) but unless she gets help you don't want to receive any more messages like this.

She might be ill or she might be an attention seeker but either way her behaviour isn't normal or average and you're not being unfair to say you don't want that intrusion in your life.

I think, after some soul searching, what keeps me tied to this is feeling obligated due to past family connections, her family helped mine once long ago, and her dad was good friends with mine. I truly have cared and wanted a good friendship but she stopped wanting to know me a long time ago. I feel like a robot who listens and is never heard. She feels like family in a way

Why do you feel compelled to reply to all her 10 emails a day though?

You could just reply every other day. She has health anxiety replying ten times a day isn't helping her.

Is the a reason you are checking your emails so frequently?