Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

This has been such a sad and difficult thread to read OP and I really feel for you.

Each update makes the situation even more intolerable.

She is clearly unwell but it's not in your remit, as her friend, to make her better. You can't. She desperately needs help and it seems that her family are almost relying on you to field her flack.
You can't nor should you.

She is clearly in denial about her mental state BUT it does seem to me that she is using these health issues as a bait, an excuse and a camouflage for some of her failings, given her history with your family.

It sounds like everyone around her is enabling and , therefore excusing her from normal behaviour. She is definitely in control her but no one will pull her up on it.

Her failure to pay you what you are owed was the moment I realised that she is using you .
I had ( notice the past tense) a friend who would besiege my daily with some appalling life dramas and, like you, I got sucked into them.
And no, I never got my money back.

Put her on a backseat but make sure you get your money. A simple solicitor's letter should suffice .

Get your money and then end this relationship. She is banking on you to feel sorry for her.

You cannot help her, she needs an awful lot of therapy. She is in control of all around her and she knows it.
Her messages to you prove it. Eg how are you, worried about you but here's my daily drama that top trumps yours.

Good luck OP and GET YOUR MONEY BACK!

The slow fade out isn't going to work for OP - she will get drawn back in repeatedly. You need to be emotionally detached and stay centered for that, and the person you are doing it to needs to be in touch with social norms and follow reasonable friendship ettiquette- and she just isn't.

OP you say that the family say you are her sister, that it is up to you (all) to support her, that she is your (collective) responsibility. Of course they would say those things, they have a vested interest in keeping you as her crutch, don't they! While she's texting or emailing you and your giving her appropriate sympathetic noises she isn't messaging them, or at least she's not doing it as much as she would be if you didn't exist. OF COURSE they want to keep you involved, they should have a heavier load to carry if you weren't! The thing is that still doesn't mean that you have to do it and suffer as a result. You really can drop the rope.

You're worried they they will be disappointed in you, or that they'll think you only stayed friendly with her to get the money you inherited from your dad? So what if they do think that or are disappointed in you? If they start to be a problem to you, you can block them too.

Life is better, WAY better if you can get even slightly more comfortable with the idea that you aren't responsible for other adults. If they feel disappointed in you, then that's on them. If they invent a new narrative that you were only friendly for money THAT WAS YOURS!!), so what, that's up to them and no business of yours what they think of you.

If you can, I'd start digging around internally for the anger at the way both she amd her family have treated you over the years. She kept YOUR money from you for FOUR YEARS! The fucking cheek of it! She is ignoring perfectly polite requests to stop sending you this shit, that is an outrageous thing to do you, a supposed much loved friend! And her family - what cheeky fuckers they are for gaslighting you and manifesting you for so long! Get ANGRY that your boundaries have been trampled all over by all of them with ZERO regard for the suffering that you have TOLD them that it is causing to YOU.

@AllAroundMyCat and @Grinchmas thank you.

I did get my money, after 4 years, I asked for it in a rather serious tone back in February and it suddenly materialised. I think she knew it had become ridiculous. Ha, actually, 6 months prior to that she had a scam scare where the account it was in was drained. This caused true havoc for a few weeks until the bank sorted it out. I never quite knew what went on there, it was shrouded in mystery, but she said at the time 'i am sooo glad we got your money back!".
Never sat right with me, that..

Now that you mention her family needing me to shield them from her, this is something I had nit considered. But it strikes a chord, recalling them telling me 'we have to take care of her', 'she can't help it'.
I once asked her older sister had she noticed anything amiss and the reply was 'no she doesn't call me as much now she's got you!'.

I do feel a bit angry, looking back. I had a lot going on in my own life a the time the money came up, and i didnt desperately need it, so never challenged this. I can see now that it was being deliberately withheld, there were no other reasons for it.

Maybe it is about time you tell her sister or other member of her family that yes, she does need looking after, but she's their relative not yours, and as such, you are no longer able to be part of her support network.

If you reflect back with this new understanding about the timeline of your friendship starting, and her father dying, you discovering the inheritance, is there anything that now looks like a coincidence, surprising, connected? The dates all look so close to me, it's setting off a curious alarm for me.

The more you post, the more I think you need to step away. I am not unaware of the impact of holding a boundary, but you need to do this for your own well-being. I'd also think about exploring the impact of it for yourself with a therapist, if you can. It might be really helpful for you to have a safe space to share it, and process what has happened to you here.

Maybe a slow fade would help make it easier for you.

A PP mentioned getting her emails sent directly to a 'hypochondriac' folder and read it once a week.
Skim through her missives then just reply with something along the lines of 'Oh sorry 'friend' I didn't respond as I've not been well of late ( which is true!) I'm struggling a bit myself, actually so I'll get back to you in due course.'

And keep repeating but do r engage with her dramas.
If her family members get in touch , say the same and that you're having a tricky time.
They might kick back as you'll have stopped her venting outlet.

They need to deal with it, it you. You have your own well being to deal with and it's a bit rock bottom now, isn't it?

Oh your latest update makes her sound like a right peach 😂

I will be honest, I do have the ability to cut this off, I tend to take some time getting there that's all. It has all come home to me recently so it feels 'big' for that reason. I have nothing to lose walking away from this, I barely know her existing family and have only met her DD twice. They are nice when I do see them, but don't think they would bother much if I fell off the face of the earth!

Our fathers were good, business related chums, but that's it. There is no deeper connection.

About the timeline.
If I recall, our dads kept in touch via email for a while, a few times a yr, xmas cards, etc. There had been a 20 or so year gap since we all left the farms. The farms were close but not next door. (I say farms but ours was a stables).

In 2017 her mum died and I called to see how they all were, we got friendly that way and started to go out occasionally, or she'd visit, and we would chat on the phone for a good while once a fortnight or so. We were never best friends, just a nice friendship. She never really spoke about the past as we didn't know each much other as kids.
The dad died suddenly in late 2018. I was told about the money for my dad's share of land. Because the family were grieving I never broached the subject, so six months passed that way. She eventually mentioned that it was in her account as it was not being handled by a solicitor after house sale was complete. I thought it odd that I never received any literature or more info about it.
By early 2020 covid happened, and I let it lie again. Every couple of months she would say she was going to 'pop it over' but never did. It took over 4 years for her to do that.

My DH told me throughout that I was crazy to let it sit there. Looking back he is correct of course. I suppose I let the grief element make me soft a bit.

It is time to let this friendship fade into the past. Friendships come and go throughout life and this one hasn't been working for you for a long time. Let it go.

Sorry forgot to add, timeline wise, she always had issues with disease fears and behavioural stuff but never did this in front of me until March this year. Then it was full on, and the good stuff stopped.

I really feel for you. It doesn't seem ok she kept that money from you, but it is noticeable that her behaviour to you changed after she finally sent it to you. I can't help feeling she was trying to hang onto it.
It doesn't sound as though she is going to change, so I wish you strength for whatever you choose next.

Thanks Cloud, and to everyone for your posts.

As for her wanting to hang on to the money, this seems odd if she was the one to announce it so early on, she could easily have never mentioned it at all!
I am tempted to feel she felt ownership of it in some way that has become an ownership of me.
You are all right, this is a bonkers situation. I can at least say it won't last.

She's texting you this many times a day because you're part of the OCD ritual. It might be that telling you relieves the thought at the time, or perhaps she thinks if she doesn't tell you she'll make that thing happen.

And having a good life doesn't preclude OCD. I have a wonderful life - my OCD tells me if I'm not grateful enough for it, if I don't protect it it will all be taken away.

OCD is a really viscous disease. Have you tried speaking to her husband? She might not need you to actually respond to the texts. Have you tried that?

OP
TwoMoreBoxesJayne
OP,

With each update it makes me more sure that you need professional help to deal with this. Your way of thinking is really not right. I'm not saying you have MH issues I'm just saying you need help with this.

If you don't how do you think this is all going to pan out?

"You think I am mentally ill because i have a friend who is causing concern? You know nothing of my life, seems a bit ott!
It is an awkward situation but not unsolvable.

Do tell me which 'way' of my thinking is 'not right'?"

I explicitly said that I WASNT saying you have mental health issues . I was saying that I think you need help in how you should deal this.

You comment that it's an 'awkward situation but not unsolvable' and yet it's gone on for 9 months and you are still unsure and hesitant about what you should do.

Now that you have updated about the money thing, it sounds even more like a very one-way relationship.
I understand the shielding thing. I am NC with my DB who has drug problems, subsequent MH problems (has fried his brain) and no friends. (Used them up to drone on about how unfair life is, etc. talk about himself and then try and ask for money.) He is in touch with a lot of my extended family who constantly refer him to me. *I need to state that he inherited most of my parents quite vast estate and it was held in trust. I received a very small amount and despite having a family of my own, he was ringing me at all hours demanding money and that I sorted his latest disaster. I had to get police involved when he held a knife to me in front of my kids. Now I get extended family telling me that I need to “let bygones be bygones” because “Poor D doesn’t know what he’s doing.” (Ie he’s haranguing them on the phone.)

You are an enabler. Why can't you confront her? Say go straight to the doctor? Say you are calling an ambulance as she mentioned dying.
Stop acting like you don't know what you're doing.
You're entertaining her and enabling her.

Good point and I think this too with each update from Op. seems like she wants to be involved with this woman 'needing' her. Very weird dynamic.

Bottom line:

You only live once. Every day we are closer to the grave.

You are allowing this highly disturbed person access to your life for no good reason, based on ties your dad had with her dad many decades ago.

She is a vampire dumping trauma on you many times a DAY. Her family encourages this because it spares them the trouble. They all are using you dreadfully and couldn't care less about you and your life.

You are letting them, each and every day, squander your precious time here on Earth, and mental energy you could use on other, more valuable people & productive pursuits.

You can't seem to help yourself. As others have suggested, professional counseling seems like the next logical step.

I think you should send one response along the lines of "As we've discussed before, I am concerned that you keep sending these messages that strongly suggest you have an issue such as health anxiety which can be treated. You will be aware that this is the 59th (or whatever) message of this type you've sent in the past week. Please make an appointment with your GP so that you can get help for this".

Then for every subsequent message, just send a one line response "Have you made that GP appointment yet?"

Sorry if I've missed this about timings but did she start ramping up this type of anxious behaviour after she paid you the money back?

I think you're far too enmeshed with this "friend" who is obviously mentally unwell, who you're not trained to help, and whose behaviour is majorly affecting your own mental health. You need to step away and ask her DH to get her some help with managing her anxiety.

If you're not prepared to look after yourself then I'm not sure what you intended to get from your many responses on here.

I have a bonkers friend.
Get her back into texts or WhatsApp asap. Put her on mute silent notifications.
Check regularly initially, and respond with an appropriate emoji- 🙏🏻 😢

Occasionally Drop in your own bit of drama or joy for a similar response.

I commiserate with friend- and DM actually- with shared pain.

’I think DD is going to die- she has a splinter’
😮 ‘I’ve got a nasty boil I’m worried about’

When you match someone’s energy it can really help settle things down.

Well, I wanted to find out if it was possible to exit this with tact.
Apparently not?
I havent answered emails for two days, it has escalated to texts, one each hour, asking me am i ok, etc.
If it is impossible to do this with tact, then the axe it is.

Still not sure how some people are convinced that I am incapable of dealing with it. I wanted some advice on MN so that I didn't hurt her. I would rather not. It has gone on this long because I was gentle towards her grief, i do think 9 months id a reasonable time to see if a friendship can be saved.

I think you need to tell her. It doesn't have to be an axe, just a firm confirmation of what you won't respond to. Then stick to it.

@CassKins I think you have done the right thing and it's a testament to you that you have hung on and are still trying to be kind.

OP I'm glad you came to MN with this problem, as it sounds like hearing similar responses and thoughts from others, has helped you to really get to grips with the fact that there's nothing more you can do to save this friendship. Sadly friends do come and go throughout our lives, some stay for a long time, and some only for a short but intense period, where you can never see them going out of your life, and then suddenly they are gone. It seems to me that this woman is actually very manipulative, maybe she was always this way, it sounds like it by the story regarding the money she withheld from you, but because you liked her, you maybe didn't realise at the time what was going on. She's obviously discovered over time that people who don't know her too well are sympathetic to start with, and she enjoys the attention of them checking in on her to see how the latest person / animal that she is worried about is doing, but then as time goes by, they begin to realise that it's just attention seeking and so drift away. Sadly you are now seeing her for what she is, and don't like it. Maybe because of the previous family connection, you somewhere inside felt obliged to hang in there, where perhaps you wouldn't have done, had you just met her at work or something. The fact that her behaviour over recent days has begun to make you cross, is a good thing, as I feel sure that it will now make cutting her out of your life much easier, and please don't allow yourself to feel any guilt about doing so. If her family can't, or won't do anything about her behaviour, then they can't expect to hand over responsibility to you, by using the inclusive expression 'WE have got to help her / support her', in fact that seems somewhat manipulative too. I think you will much better once you have her off completely, although you may find yourself grieving for this friendship for a while, but it will soon pass when the frequent texts and emails stop.