Friend's disease obsession making me feel helpless

[CassKins]

Friends for 5 years, she has a young daughter who isn't ill and never has been. Daughter lives part time at home and at her boyfriend's home. She is married and happy, her husband is a very chilled out and generous fellow.

In the past few yrs or so friend has changed remarkably. Her home, work and love life are the same, no issues that I know of there.

She was always very obsessive about health, but she has sent me at least 10 texts per day in 9 months about being convinced that she, her daughter, hubby or their horse is fatally unwell. I would presume this to be health anxiety (I am familiar with it) but it doesn't really fit. It is almost as if it is a barrier to life, to happiness and future. She has a great job ( stress free, very few hours and good money) so I am at a loss to picture the cause, but then I understand that such things are not quite so easily measurable.

My AIBU is about what I do, personally, how to keep responding to these texts.
I get them every day, just blank sentences of death and disease. An example might be "Hi, really worried about X, she has a slight limp tonight, seen this before, I know she is going to die"
And no other dialogue.
After so many months of this I am at a loss what to keep saying. I generally say that i am sorry to hear it and hope that whoever will be ok. In the past month she has had breast, bowel and blood tests, just routine, and all were clear and healthy, yet she insists they are wrong and lying to her to save her feelings.

I don't want to cut her off, but am IBU to slow it right down? I feel like a robot at this point and don't know what to say anymore, i am exhausted with words and care. I have tried to engage her in a discussion about this, saying I am concerned, but she doesn't reply to such messages.

Because it's clearly significantly affecting the OP, she has been asked to stop and hasn't - the OP's mental health is important too.

OP, it's obviously really worrying that she sends you these messages every day but it's also worrying that you've accepted it and let it go on for nine months. It's so extreme. Do you talk to anyone about what is happening? What else does your 'friendship' consist of?

By not challenging her and allowing her to use you as an outlet for her worries I fear you’re just feeding them. She’s probably exhausted the option of talking about her worries with many friends and family members and therefore is making full use of you. From now on every single time she sends a message like that reply and say ”Sorry but I don’t have the emotional capacity to support you with such big concerns at the moment.” If she’s still sending messages like that after a couple of days ignore them and only reply to one’s that aren’t about her health anxiety. She’ll either learn this new boundary and respect it (and hopefully recognise what an energy vampire she’s been) or she’ll disappear, in which case that would probably be a blessing as she sounds intense.

I would let her know you care for her but will no longer respond to messages about illness. Tell her to talk to her doctor, not you.

Then DO NOT RESPOND to any further messages about her health worries.

It's more to ensure that OP protects their own mental health. It's no good helping someone when it is affecting your own mental health in a negative manner. Which in my opinion, for the OP continues it already is impacting her own mental health, should she suffer herself just so she can support someone else. Would you honestly put your own mental health at risk for someone else? The comments are not necessarily down to stigma but about protecting the mental health of the person on the receiving end of these kind of messages.

OP honestly, you need to protect your mental health, if you feel it's a risk then you need to take a step back and not reply or respond to your friend, even if its only for a short time.

But she isn't just cutting her off - she has continued to respond, listen, express concern and has repeatedly urged the person to seek help?
She's exhausted all her options in terms of helping her friend, and now this person is negatively affecting her own mental health. What would your suggestion be? You can lead a horse to water but you can't force them to drink it... You can't help someone who won't be helped.
Her friend needs to seek professional help and she won't, so OP asked to stop the texts and she hasn't, even though OP has told her it's causing distress.
I don't see what other option the OP has now.

I have my DH to talk to, he wouldnt dream of telling me to ditch her but does say it is impossible and needs to change. He is also aware that i have told her this countless times to no avail.

I haven't really given her attention. My responses are short and polite. I will often say I am sorry she is so worried and hope it resolves. I don't see how best I can play it.

I have occasionally said i am concerned about her and that she is throwing a good life away (she has 8 weeks summer hols paid and never leaves the house). She also has considerable savings and can afford pleasure.

I am tempted to reply next time in a different way - like to say oh god that sounds worrying, better see the doctor!, but that feels cruel.

9 months of 10 messages a day is not "knee jerk". Do you think this a healthy friendship? Do you think its based on mutual respect?

I didn't say the op was cutting her off I meant the responses . I do understand where the op is coming from .

True, ive got to be honest it is like being buried alive.
I will help anyone, but i am not an experienced therapist, and since this is coming at me each day, even at work, unlike a therapist i am not paid for it.

When i tell her i am in the middle of work she apologises every time and acts cute. I am hard pushed to be angry, but it is wearing me down.

It's not about the person having mental health issues. It's about them trauma-dumping on someone else and using them as an unpaid, no-boundaries therapist. It's about recognising that OP can do nothing, zilch, zero, to help this woman beyond strongly encouraging her to get treatment and the contact between the two of them is currently hurting OP quite a bit and if anything exacerbating and feeding the friend's mental health issues.

If the friend understood she had a mental health issue, was seeking out treatment, and recognised OP's limits, the responses would be very different.

I just don't think op would get appropriate advice on here for a friend she cares for regarding mental illness .

but what would you suggest i do?

Maybe speak to a charity that has experience in mental illness ,but I don't think anyone here can advise you really , only you know what your relationship is like .

I suppose i feel clueless and cut off.
MN seems like a decent place to harness some ideas.

She texts me every day and night, always says goodnight. It's just her way. I sent her a long text earlier saying i was concerned about her. She said her cat was foaming at the mouth but wouldnt take her to the vets. I asked what her husband said and he wasnt worried, and i know this means the cat is ok!

Because i said i was concerned and she needed help she wont get back tonight. I am so fucking sick of this pattern. What am i supposed to say? "Your cat is going to die"?

I have a "friend" like this ! Convinced she is going to die and all sorts of ailments on her daughter too.
Absolutely nothing happens. All results fine:
total hypochondriac
Her own GP suggested therapy but she wont do it
Ive run out of patience after 10 years of it

Thing is @Densol57, any day they might be right. What if this time it WAS a disease? It leaves you so confused. It is like Spike Milligan had written on his headstone "I told you I was ill", but at least he had awareness!

💐 I do think if you value the friendship you need to find a group /charity who can support you how to tackle this . What about her family ?

I had counselling via a charity a few years ago after an assault.
I actually mentioned her and the effect it had on me, although it was in it's early days then. My counsellor told me i could do nothing, and could only control my own reactions.

I can't see how contacting a local charity would help me assist a person who is blocked to opening up. I would love to fix it but can't.

Her husband ? Mother ? Does she have any family who will do what is needed ?

You say this but won't answer how they would help?
How can me dobbing her in to a remote charity help her exactly? I would feel incredibly inappropriate talking about her behind her back like that.

her family are extremely supportive, but do enable it by going along. I am not sure what I could do to affect that.

But tell me, after you go to this charity, what would they do for you? How would you actually help your friend?

My advice would be that next time she texts you, say "as I told you the other night..." and copy your previous message. On repeat or until you get tired of doing that. By doing so, you're not allowing her to keep ignoring your sensible and concerned message but it's not requiring any new or further effort from you.

I also would refrain from ever asking "how are you". Try and ask specific questions like "How's X getting on with their new job?" Etc that give her less of an opportunity to start up about health. Good luck.

Have you heard of the podcast called dear therapists? It's very very good and you can get it on Spotify. I was listening to one of the episodes today about a woman whose parents were divorcing so a different situation, but they were equally as demanding as your friend is. Have a listen to this. I think you might find it useful. Actually all their episodes are very interesting.

open.spotify.com/episode/4F3XfHAU0tUJDsswoWK1Ei?si=8WfMZTVuTr6rhFHRqOhWCw

I do what to say thank you, i can see you care and appreciate your input.

So what are you getting from the friendship? Do you meet up much? Is she a laugh? Sounds exhausting.