Everyone up and arms about my work trip - can a woman categorically not leave her family for a few days ???

[flowerbedd]

Yes I have posted about this before.

But I'm feeling differently compared to when I posted last time.

The sheer disapprovals I'm getting from my family for going on work trips is really winding me up. If a man were to go on work trips, it just wouldn't be the same.

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' ' it's too long '..

Initially I was feeling upset I had to go on my work trip. But I'm kind of feeling a bit pissed off about just how much shit I'm getting for it at this point.

It's like me not being here is causing a massive, massive disruption and my H actually has to look after the kids. MIL has also agreed to help out a bit, but rather than saying ' don't worry we've got this ', she's also adding to the fact that ' as a mum, you can't just leave your kids '.

I'm the complete default parent and I do everything by myself. Household, children's drop off and pick up- mental load- all of it. My H has a very involved job and doesn't come home until 8:30 - and leaves before the kids are up. I also do all night wakings.

Now everyone is making me feel bad that I need to go on a work trip and that H needs to help out and god forbid, mother in law might also help a bit to fill some gaps.

Every other time I've gone away, I've paid for help. This time it's trickier to get a nanny / babysitter and H needs to actually do something.

I just don't think it's fair to be this annoyed about my work trip- I haven't had a work trip since early October and then it was only 1 night away. It's not like im constantly leaving my kids. Like I said, I am the one responsible for them 99 percent of the time.

Really pissed off with this now.

DH and I have always juggled travel for work. Before DD, it was rare but not unusual for us to pass Luke ships in the night.

Mostly we've been lucky that the peaks for 1 have been the troughs for the other, and it's been varied over who has been travelling or staying home. Mostly 1-3 night trips in UK/Europe, but some longer ones (including 4 years when DH was on a monthly rotation of working 2 weeks here and 2 weeks in South Africa, with occasional EU trips when here).

We have twice ever had to call in the cavalry when I had a long-booked and non-negotiable meeting and DH had a last minute demand to go to another office, and DPILs came to stay. (We live 2.5 hours from both sides).

But despite us both doing long hours, we've always shared all the burdens of DD. Often there is 1 lead (her ASD/ADHD, sports, dealing with school, physio for ongoing injury etc) but we've both mucked in on all the day to day things.

He would bring her to Creche in the city by bicycle and I could get an extra hour early on, where I would collect her and drive when young but bus when she got older to get home and do dinner, feed her, then DH cleaned up after and we'd split bedtime chores. I tended to food shop but he tended to do most laundry and all ironing. I tended to cook but he's well capable and does when needed (for timing or I'm just fed up). When she was sick, we juggled diaries on day 1 as to who had more important meeting that couldn't be cancelled, but then tag teamed 1 doing early morning to lunch, other doing afternoon to a lateish return home and both catching up once dd was in bed so both mostly keeping up with work.

And in fairness to him, I've just abandoned him while dd is in final year in school as I had a chance to go overseas for almost 4 years which I've always wanted and really got my work out of a pickle. I'll be travelling back frequently but he has a lot on his plate at the minute - and I can hear it in his voice but he's not complaining. He's encouraging me to get settled and looking forward to a decent Christmas holiday when I'll be home for 3 weeks (working some of that but from home).

Sorry, my point was that DH has been nothing but supportive.

I've had a few raised eyebrows at work and among friends, but no one has openly queried me about it.

I work just as hard as DH and we are actually the exact same level at the moment as things have changed in the past couple of years.

Why is it automatically the default that mums do everything?