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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone up and arms about my work trip - can a woman categorically not leave her family for a few days ???

152 replies

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 17:58

Yes I have posted about this before.

But I'm feeling differently compared to when I posted last time.

The sheer disapprovals I'm getting from my family for going on work trips is really winding me up. If a man were to go on work trips, it just wouldn't be the same.

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' ' it's too long '..

Initially I was feeling upset I had to go on my work trip. But I'm kind of feeling a bit pissed off about just how much shit I'm getting for it at this point.

It's like me not being here is causing a massive, massive disruption and my H actually has to look after the kids. MIL has also agreed to help out a bit, but rather than saying ' don't worry we've got this ', she's also adding to the fact that ' as a mum, you can't just leave your kids '.

I'm the complete default parent and I do everything by myself. Household, children's drop off and pick up- mental load- all of it. My H has a very involved job and doesn't come home until 8:30 - and leaves before the kids are up. I also do all night wakings.

Now everyone is making me feel bad that I need to go on a work trip and that H needs to help out and god forbid, mother in law might also help a bit to fill some gaps.

Every other time I've gone away, I've paid for help. This time it's trickier to get a nanny / babysitter and H needs to actually do something.

I just don't think it's fair to be this annoyed about my work trip- I haven't had a work trip since early October and then it was only 1 night away. It's not like im constantly leaving my kids. Like I said, I am the one responsible for them 99 percent of the time.

Really pissed off with this now.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/12/2023 18:45

I would be pissed off too! Tell them to do one.

Croissantsandpistachio · 08/12/2023 18:47

I'd be extending the trip by few days.

Gettingbysomehow · 08/12/2023 18:50

I'm amazed women are still putting up with this shit. Id be telling the lot of them to bugger off. It's not the 1950s any more.

Snowdogsmitten · 08/12/2023 18:50

Cannot fucking stand people like your mother in law. A toxic mix of misogyny and ‘precious son syndrome’. Ugh. 🖕🏻

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2023 18:51

how pathetic. No wonder your DH is such a useless bastard: he comes from a family with an entrenched idea of men’s and women’s jobs.

Tune them both out and crack on.

Vitriolinsanity · 08/12/2023 18:52

Fuck it. Throw the grenade and say "enough, or I'll resign".

That's the mortgage, cars, holidays gone. All fucked because you can't suit up and manage for 5 fucking days.

Or you can, stop being pricks, and all the lovely stuff that comes with the job you have keep coming.

And add on another day to go and eat cake in nice places.

Denimdenimdenim · 08/12/2023 18:53

YANBU.

Enjoy some time away for a week (even if it is for work), sounds like you deserve it!

BeginningToLookALotLike · 08/12/2023 19:01

Vitriolinsanity · 08/12/2023 18:52

Fuck it. Throw the grenade and say "enough, or I'll resign".

That's the mortgage, cars, holidays gone. All fucked because you can't suit up and manage for 5 fucking days.

Or you can, stop being pricks, and all the lovely stuff that comes with the job you have keep coming.

And add on another day to go and eat cake in nice places.

I like this idea! YANBU.

cerisepanther73 · 08/12/2023 19:02

@flowerbedd

It's absolutely ridiculous that in this day and age of 21 centuary that women are still made to feel like this ??

looking at this has made me think 🤔 ive unsuspecting time travel backwards in vortex, as this post is like something out of Victorian Britain times or 1930s ect..

itsmyp4rty · 08/12/2023 19:05

I went away on holiday on my own without mine for longer than that. Is there something major you're missing out here (like you have a breast fed 2 month old?) otherwise it's just plain craziness.

GrandTheftWalrus · 08/12/2023 19:06

I fucked off for 3 weeks in July for work. It was great! Then on my nights off as I was nightshift I went and got pissed with a workmate. Great fun. Basically a paid holiday.

LakieLady · 08/12/2023 19:07

YANBU. They are a bunch of sexists and it's none of their business.

ArsenicInTheAppleTart · 08/12/2023 19:08

YANBU

Your kids' father will actually have to parent for once by the sounds of things. Proper bloody order.

pinkfondu · 08/12/2023 19:09

Why do they all think of him as incompetent?

LittleMonstera · 08/12/2023 19:17

I'm going on a solo ski trip in the new year and leaving my partner with our 1 year old. It's important to me that my son grows up seeing a woman as more than just the domestic help, that and I like skiing 🤷🏼‍♀️. My partner is of course equally welcome to go away on trips work or leisure

persisted · 08/12/2023 19:25

Baffled blank stare
'But he's a competent adult isn't he? What on earth is the problem?'

So they either have to admit he's an incompetent idiot or admit it'll be fine.
Regardless you can crack on and they can bugger off.

Elfnsafetyhat · 08/12/2023 19:28

Seems weird I’ve never encountered this before and left my dc for a couple of days here and there when they were babies and older. It’s no wonder girls grow up thinking women can’t do certain things

Xmasblues · 08/12/2023 19:29

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve read where the DW needs to go away, so the kids are staying with their grandparents.

Yet the DH goes away but the DW is ok to look after them on her own.

Why are men seen as not capable of looking after their own kids!

Workingmumlife1 · 08/12/2023 19:33

I go for 4 weeks a year, the eye rolls at the school gates and from MIL….along with is your husband “looking after them” yes yes…the other half of the DNA that produced them is more than capable of keeping them alive! In fact he does a better job than me anyway 🤣 BORE OFF AND BORE OFF SOME MORE!

biter · 08/12/2023 19:35

Take no notice. I worked away a lot whilst my kids were small. It wasn't easy but everyone just got on with it.

The good thing about it is that you are showing your kids a strong and capable role model.

My kids are now big and said that seeing me working hard and in a demanding job was inspiring and that they understood quite young that our decent standard of living and nice home and holidays were enabled by it. Everyone made sacrifices but everyone gained.

Seriously tell your rellies to wind their necks back in and tell them that it's not the 1950s anymore.

onawave · 08/12/2023 19:38

My partner went away for work for 4 months when the eldest was 3 months old. No one batted an eyelid. I work away for 2 weeks at a time then home for 2 and I constantly hear judgement from the in laws. Apparently MIL might as well be the kids mum as I never bother to look after them.

MargotBamborough · 08/12/2023 19:41

YANBU. Work trips aren't usually optional anyway.

I had to go away for a week when my son was 11 months old and then again when he was 13 months old.

My MIL helped and my husband coped just fine. Because I am not the default parent, we are both equal parents.

InSpainTheRain · 08/12/2023 19:41

Who os complaining apart from MIL? If it's just MIL ignore and put it down to the fact she is from a previous age. If it is DH them it's time for a serious chat about roles, distribution of tasks and equality.

5128gap · 08/12/2023 19:42

Next time I'd say "Financially providing for your children is an important part of being a parent. This trip is essential for me to earn money to do that. I'm not going for fun MiL, I'm going for the benefit of my family"

1990thatsme · 08/12/2023 19:49

Absolute bollocks and MIL needs to STFU.

My DH works abroad for weeks at a time. When he’s home he gets plenty of time off and works from home 75% of the time he’s in the UK. It balances out, and actually works pretty well for us as a family.

Do you suspect DH has been whining to her about having to parent his own DC?

I would just tell MIL it’s a shame she has no confidence in her son’s ability to parent, but you do.