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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone up and arms about my work trip - can a woman categorically not leave her family for a few days ???

152 replies

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 17:58

Yes I have posted about this before.

But I'm feeling differently compared to when I posted last time.

The sheer disapprovals I'm getting from my family for going on work trips is really winding me up. If a man were to go on work trips, it just wouldn't be the same.

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' ' it's too long '..

Initially I was feeling upset I had to go on my work trip. But I'm kind of feeling a bit pissed off about just how much shit I'm getting for it at this point.

It's like me not being here is causing a massive, massive disruption and my H actually has to look after the kids. MIL has also agreed to help out a bit, but rather than saying ' don't worry we've got this ', she's also adding to the fact that ' as a mum, you can't just leave your kids '.

I'm the complete default parent and I do everything by myself. Household, children's drop off and pick up- mental load- all of it. My H has a very involved job and doesn't come home until 8:30 - and leaves before the kids are up. I also do all night wakings.

Now everyone is making me feel bad that I need to go on a work trip and that H needs to help out and god forbid, mother in law might also help a bit to fill some gaps.

Every other time I've gone away, I've paid for help. This time it's trickier to get a nanny / babysitter and H needs to actually do something.

I just don't think it's fair to be this annoyed about my work trip- I haven't had a work trip since early October and then it was only 1 night away. It's not like im constantly leaving my kids. Like I said, I am the one responsible for them 99 percent of the time.

Really pissed off with this now.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 08/12/2023 21:56

My wife is likely to be on a two week work trip in the spring. I love it, I just tell the kids what we’re doing and don’t have to agree it with another adult. It’s good bonding time.

jannier · 08/12/2023 21:56

So by everyone you mean mil and H? Why do you let H get away with this? Does he do anything to help?

glossypeach · 08/12/2023 21:57

Enjoy your trip op, I hope you have a nice time.

Original poster
flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 21:57

@TheonlywayIcould he thinks I need to find another job. However all jobs in my industry involve some travel.

He says it's not true ( he's wrong, I've always travelled a bit ).

He wants me to find a job that fits into my home life better...

He is however pissed off that his mother has chimed in.

FIL was also telling me last week I needed to find a more suitable job that means I don't need to travel and leave my kids..

Even if I just wanted to go away for the weekend ( 2 nights ) 3-4 times a year- I think I should be able to do that, even if it was just for pleasure and for me to get away and clear my head. I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to do that and I don't see how that's excessive time away from my kids tbh. Seeing as I'm always with them. I was just making that argument to H. But he still thinks it would be a lot of time away.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/12/2023 21:58

My dh worked away lots when dc were small. I was a sahm at the time. Pil lived nearby but I didn’t see them for dust and it was tough but I coped. When I went back to work it involved lots of training for up to a week at a time. Dmil practically moved in and took over all washing, ironing and cooking for dh (in fairness he didn’t ask and she absolutely did his head in!!). There were comments about poor dh managing all alone and how good he is to help. I ignored and rose above it, but the next time dh was working away the kids (unprompted) asked granny if she was going to come over every day to help mummy as daddy was going away and poor mummy would be all alone!!

GrannypantsMagee · 08/12/2023 21:59

I mean.....this is a work trip.....it's not even a week long party in Ibiza....some jobs require people to go on work trips. Some of those people are women. It's possible for men to look after children too.....🤯 Unless you have six month old octuplets who are exclusively breast fed. That would be unreasonable

rainbowsparkle28 · 08/12/2023 21:59

Not surprised you are peeved with the response! You are leaving your children with their other parent who has just as much responsibility for them for an infrequent work trip so you can provide for them. Unless whoever is complaining is going to replace your job / earnings then is none of their business 🤨 Of course they may miss you but it is not forever, they will be okay and should be able to be left to be cared for by either of their parents whilst the other works, seriously!

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/12/2023 22:02

Solidarity OP. The first time I had a work trip away after DC was born, DP called me up on day one so that I could hear my two year old crying and saying "mummy". He then called me a fucking bitch and hung up. I have a work trip on Monday and the mood in the house has been unbearable, he's been so aggressive about it. Told me that in case I hadn't noticed I'm a mother, and that's the most important job. Ok twat, but I also bring in 2/3rds of our income!

Even my colleagues piss me off. On the last trip someone asked me how I felt about leaving my kid "all alone", and someone else said something about my kid getting quality time with their dad.

It's not easy, but you need to just grey rock. Or alternatively, look at them really confused and say "Oh you mean I should quit my job...? er..." . You cannot win as a woman in the world. If you don't work you get shit, if you work but don't go full out you get shit, if you work and do go full out you get shit.

Gcsunnyside23 · 08/12/2023 22:05

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/12/2023 22:02

Solidarity OP. The first time I had a work trip away after DC was born, DP called me up on day one so that I could hear my two year old crying and saying "mummy". He then called me a fucking bitch and hung up. I have a work trip on Monday and the mood in the house has been unbearable, he's been so aggressive about it. Told me that in case I hadn't noticed I'm a mother, and that's the most important job. Ok twat, but I also bring in 2/3rds of our income!

Even my colleagues piss me off. On the last trip someone asked me how I felt about leaving my kid "all alone", and someone else said something about my kid getting quality time with their dad.

It's not easy, but you need to just grey rock. Or alternatively, look at them really confused and say "Oh you mean I should quit my job...? er..." . You cannot win as a woman in the world. If you don't work you get shit, if you work but don't go full out you get shit, if you work and do go full out you get shit.

Omg that's awful. I would tell him I'll leave then and then he could parent on his own for half of every week instead. Or tell him to get a better job and earn more money if he wants you to stay at home. These men don't seem to realise they need to be a parent equally also

madeleine85 · 08/12/2023 22:06

I saw an instagram recently about how it is interesting that "working mum" is a phrase but never a "working dad". Fortunately my MIL and DH support my work and work trips, in fact my own mum judges me significantly for it, but no one else. Your MIL needs to get over it tbh. Go do your trip, it is just a week. Enjoy a hotel bed alone (it is quite heavenly). I miss the children when i'm away, but facetime is a god send. x

Tandora · 08/12/2023 22:06

Your MIL isn’t the problem, your DH is. He needs to work out how to look after his children without wifey or mummy to bail him out.
love 7month preg mum, with two toddlers and a husband who just did a month long trip for work.

Loonancy · 08/12/2023 22:10

Because there are so many pricks on here, who are primed to write "he's a useless bastard" without even reading the post properly.
If he doesn't normally get home till 2030 what's he supposed to fucking do...drive to school and hope they are still there?
What a bunch of morons....

Ignore MIL. But H taking some time off is eminently sensible...

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2023 22:10

Op let this be the start of a new balance.

Everyone is horrified because you're leaving them with a man who barely sees them and barely cares FOR them. I'm sure he cares ABOUT them. That's the issue. He doesn't do enough parenting of HIS kids.
No one cares when I'm away with work for a weekend because even though I'm a SAHP DH does his share. Does bedtimes. Does meals. Does fun stuff. Does reprimands. He's quite capable of caring for his own kids on his own

Loonancy · 08/12/2023 22:12

Complete opposite. He's working his ass off.
Ms in the wrong

Ponderingwindow · 08/12/2023 22:15

You aren’t wrong to need to travel for work.

you are wrong to engage in the sexist tradition of expecting your MIL to help out, but placing no such burden on your FIL.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/12/2023 22:23

Turn it around and ask him why he isnt getting another job that fits in with HIS family committments?

iknowimcoming · 08/12/2023 22:31

So it's ok for dh to only see the dc one day a week every week, but not ok for you to go away for one week 4 times a year? Totally fair - sure! HmmAngry

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 08/12/2023 22:36

Get a large price of card and a black pen. Write
"I can't fucking win" on it. Leave it in front of the fridge.

SecondUsername4me · 08/12/2023 22:42

He wants me to find a job that fits into my home life better...

He means

He wants me to find a job that fits into his home life better...

SecondUsername4me · 08/12/2023 22:43

Your husband sees his own children from Saturday morning til Sunday evening every single week.

He has a damn fucking cheek saying you are away too much.

I'd leave him, frankly.

Oliveandrose · 08/12/2023 22:43

Oh I feel you!
I had to go away for a ten day work trip. First ever in over 19 years of parenting. My husband actually cried as I was leaving. He’s been away on work trips, no tears shed. The comments from older friends (female) about how “lucky” I was to have a husband ‘take care of the children’ 🙄 and the amount of help he got from said older female friends was ridiculous. Yet, I’m expected to do it alone when he’s not around, with no praise, recognition or assistance.

I am going to do them so much more frequently now because I fucking loved it!

Capybara75 · 08/12/2023 22:44

I had to do a six-day work trip when my son was about twenty months and I was struggling with guilt. My lovely (older, male) colleague said, ‘you need to do this for your son and your husband - get out of the way so that he can learn to be a primary parent.’ Colleague was completely right.

GreatGateauxsby · 08/12/2023 22:44

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/12/2023 22:02

Solidarity OP. The first time I had a work trip away after DC was born, DP called me up on day one so that I could hear my two year old crying and saying "mummy". He then called me a fucking bitch and hung up. I have a work trip on Monday and the mood in the house has been unbearable, he's been so aggressive about it. Told me that in case I hadn't noticed I'm a mother, and that's the most important job. Ok twat, but I also bring in 2/3rds of our income!

Even my colleagues piss me off. On the last trip someone asked me how I felt about leaving my kid "all alone", and someone else said something about my kid getting quality time with their dad.

It's not easy, but you need to just grey rock. Or alternatively, look at them really confused and say "Oh you mean I should quit my job...? er..." . You cannot win as a woman in the world. If you don't work you get shit, if you work but don't go full out you get shit, if you work and do go full out you get shit.

If you aren’t already please start making plans to leave

this guy sounds awful and like an emotional deadweight. by the sounds of it you don’t need him financially so I would look to make my exit stage left asap

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 08/12/2023 22:48

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/12/2023 22:02

Solidarity OP. The first time I had a work trip away after DC was born, DP called me up on day one so that I could hear my two year old crying and saying "mummy". He then called me a fucking bitch and hung up. I have a work trip on Monday and the mood in the house has been unbearable, he's been so aggressive about it. Told me that in case I hadn't noticed I'm a mother, and that's the most important job. Ok twat, but I also bring in 2/3rds of our income!

Even my colleagues piss me off. On the last trip someone asked me how I felt about leaving my kid "all alone", and someone else said something about my kid getting quality time with their dad.

It's not easy, but you need to just grey rock. Or alternatively, look at them really confused and say "Oh you mean I should quit my job...? er..." . You cannot win as a woman in the world. If you don't work you get shit, if you work but don't go full out you get shit, if you work and do go full out you get shit.

That’s horrible…hope he will be an EX-DP soon!

Pelham678 · 08/12/2023 22:50

Some of these men are absolutely awful. You deserve so much better. How dare they try and shame you for devoting a few days a year to your career when you spend the rest of the time looking after your kids as well as working. They should hang their own heads in shame.