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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone up and arms about my work trip - can a woman categorically not leave her family for a few days ???

152 replies

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 17:58

Yes I have posted about this before.

But I'm feeling differently compared to when I posted last time.

The sheer disapprovals I'm getting from my family for going on work trips is really winding me up. If a man were to go on work trips, it just wouldn't be the same.

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' ' it's too long '..

Initially I was feeling upset I had to go on my work trip. But I'm kind of feeling a bit pissed off about just how much shit I'm getting for it at this point.

It's like me not being here is causing a massive, massive disruption and my H actually has to look after the kids. MIL has also agreed to help out a bit, but rather than saying ' don't worry we've got this ', she's also adding to the fact that ' as a mum, you can't just leave your kids '.

I'm the complete default parent and I do everything by myself. Household, children's drop off and pick up- mental load- all of it. My H has a very involved job and doesn't come home until 8:30 - and leaves before the kids are up. I also do all night wakings.

Now everyone is making me feel bad that I need to go on a work trip and that H needs to help out and god forbid, mother in law might also help a bit to fill some gaps.

Every other time I've gone away, I've paid for help. This time it's trickier to get a nanny / babysitter and H needs to actually do something.

I just don't think it's fair to be this annoyed about my work trip- I haven't had a work trip since early October and then it was only 1 night away. It's not like im constantly leaving my kids. Like I said, I am the one responsible for them 99 percent of the time.

Really pissed off with this now.

OP posts:
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 08/12/2023 20:32

I’d tell them I find their attitudes sexist and that I’m surprised they seem to think my husband is so useless that the family will somehow fall apart if he looks after the kids for a week. Just utterly bloody ridiculous outdated shit. How do they think single dads cope?

Dustpantsandbush · 08/12/2023 20:38

Stop explaining yourself and just go. It’s no one else's bloody business.

Bireadwhatiread · 08/12/2023 20:41

Omg this so much. The drama when I leave the house for two hours. Threats of this that and the other from the ex. Meanwhile my late teens don't even notice as they are busy on the ps5. It's honestly feeling like coercive control at this point and I will not put up with it. He's got away with pushing me around and controlling me for many years now and the worm has finally turned. I am a human being with needs and feelings not a slave nanny and the kids excuse doesn't apply when they can legally marry.

It's all about other people's perceptions of what a mother should be- a saintly martyr of a woman who outs everyone's needs ahead of her own. She must at all times show her utter live and devotion to her family in case anyone thinks of her as a "bad" mother. It's a gilded cage which feels like prison some of the time.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 08/12/2023 20:49

Goodness I go on work trips all the time and no one has ever said anything to me.

So does my DH. But we equally share parenting and everything else and whilst it sometimes entails military precision planning - we make it work together.

Sorry you are experiencing this. Your MIL is BU and your DH is letting you down.

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 20:51

I mean this really kindly....why are you tolerating this?

Life is too short.

You will look back on this period of your life and realise you were a gobshite to tolerate this.

What age are you? 40's????

10 years from now you will feel so differently.

Cut them off brutally. Stop allowing them this space in your life.

Stop allowing them this power in your life.

TurquoiseDress · 08/12/2023 20:54

YANBU!

Livelovebehappy · 08/12/2023 20:55

TheonlywayIcould · 08/12/2023 20:05

Think you got the wrong thread, lovely!

Show quote history

Oops. So I did….☺️

Lovelydovey · 08/12/2023 20:56

I travelled occasionally when the kids were little - they have two parents and can cope without one for a short period. That said I went away for 6 days when DS2 was 3. When I got home he wouldn't look at me for 24 hours or speak to me for 48 hours. 10 years later he still doesn't like me being away....

SecondUsername4me · 08/12/2023 20:58

I'd be biting my to tongue not to say "given that your son is a half arsed parent who cannot do it alone without help from Mummy, I dont think you are best placed to start critiquing other people's parenting"

ElaineMBenes · 08/12/2023 20:59

Would your MIL say the same thing to her son if he had to go on a week's business trip?

You could always ask her...

This is what i do when I get comments about me working away - tbf my in laws would never make such comments but I get them from elsewhere.

GreatGateauxsby · 08/12/2023 21:03

Outrageous

I would 100% be challenging this to her face.

I would be disinclined to go out of my way for her in any way again....

and she'd be getting a shit present huge half dead pontseta for Christmas every year until 2050

Separately take your swimming gear and make sure you use the spa and pool and relax when you go away. Also arrange some fun things to do if you have any down time at all.

fulawitt · 08/12/2023 21:04

JUST GO. and with capital letters to silence any other sound in the background.

strangerontheinternet · 08/12/2023 21:05

My husband is currently away, probably will be 7 weeks. Possibly longer. Imagine I went away for 7 weeks, all hell would break loose haha

billy1966 · 08/12/2023 21:07

Menopause sorts this shite out brutally and beautifully 😁.

It is nearly worth the symptoms 😁.

mambojambodothetango · 08/12/2023 21:14

When I went off on a trip for 3 nights (not work but not holiday either - life admin abroad but with some nice aspects) my DH gave me massive grief the night before I went and told me his parents agreed with him. I regret deeply that I let this upset me and it spoiled the time away. When it happened again this year I told DH in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't take any of his shit about me going this time and he piped down. As hard as it might be, just hold your head up, show no remorse and let everyone concerned know that you are doing this no matter what they think.

Codlingmoths · 08/12/2023 21:25

Being the default parent would be intolerable to me, imagine my childrens dad doing nothing for them or the house most weeks. In your case, look supportive and a bit upset. ‘No mil, dh really does love them and can care for them. I know Dh usually does absolutely nothing for his kids and I used to think he was useless too so I do know where you’re coming from but really he’s not useless as a father, you don’t have to worry. I think it will be great for you to see how capable he is, I’m sure you’ll be much happier for it.
Then tell Dh if his mum does everything you plan to go away every month until he demonstrates basic capabilities.

Flivequacle · 08/12/2023 21:33

Tell MIL that the work will only last a day, but you're staying 5 nights. Cuz there's a spa. Then stay at least one extra night. Enjoy yourself.

Cosywintertime · 08/12/2023 21:34

God it’s like you’re surrounded by people who think k it’s the 50s. I went away for a week when mine was 9 months old. Was all good, her father is and was a perfectly capable equal parent. No one said a word.

alwaysbreaks · 08/12/2023 21:37

I’m off skiing for a week with friends and leaving my son with my mum. I’m menopausal so I do not give a flying fuck what people think 😂😂

LightDrizzle · 08/12/2023 21:39

How. Fucking. Annoying.

I’d feel murderous.

Tell her the children have two parents, two! It’s not natural for a father to be unable to look after his own children. You’ll make sure any sons you have grow up with the life skills they need should they choose to have a family.

Original poster
flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 21:43

Yeah so it looks like I'm going to need to do this every 3-4 months for a couple of nights.

Just been arguing with H about it, as he thinks that's ' too frequent ' to leave and it's not ideal.

I don't think it's that frequent for someone who's absolutely the default parent 5-6 days a week with pretty much zero help from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 21:45

Whoops just read my thread title back- of course I meant up in arms.

I think I was just in a blind rage when I made this thread and didn't notice my typo.

OP posts:
TheonlywayIcould · 08/12/2023 21:49

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 21:43

Yeah so it looks like I'm going to need to do this every 3-4 months for a couple of nights.

Just been arguing with H about it, as he thinks that's ' too frequent ' to leave and it's not ideal.

I don't think it's that frequent for someone who's absolutely the default parent 5-6 days a week with pretty much zero help from him.

So what is he suggesting your alternative is? It’s part of your job. Is he happy for you to quit and go without your income? What alternative suggestion has he put forward?

Fucking men.

Woman2023 · 08/12/2023 21:53

A couple of nights every 3-4 months is fine. If he moans point out that you could live separately and he could be responsible for 50% of the week every week if he wants.

Or if you want to be tactful, say how important it is to you to have a supportive husband who steps up and cares for his family and how a lesser man couldn't be depended on.

onlysortoflikegardening · 08/12/2023 21:55

I hear you OP. My DH travels for work regularly. I went once, for two days, and the horror. I got enough flack working 12 hours a week over two days. My DH has not once got the same from anyone.