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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone up and arms about my work trip - can a woman categorically not leave her family for a few days ???

152 replies

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 17:58

Yes I have posted about this before.

But I'm feeling differently compared to when I posted last time.

The sheer disapprovals I'm getting from my family for going on work trips is really winding me up. If a man were to go on work trips, it just wouldn't be the same.

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' ' it's too long '..

Initially I was feeling upset I had to go on my work trip. But I'm kind of feeling a bit pissed off about just how much shit I'm getting for it at this point.

It's like me not being here is causing a massive, massive disruption and my H actually has to look after the kids. MIL has also agreed to help out a bit, but rather than saying ' don't worry we've got this ', she's also adding to the fact that ' as a mum, you can't just leave your kids '.

I'm the complete default parent and I do everything by myself. Household, children's drop off and pick up- mental load- all of it. My H has a very involved job and doesn't come home until 8:30 - and leaves before the kids are up. I also do all night wakings.

Now everyone is making me feel bad that I need to go on a work trip and that H needs to help out and god forbid, mother in law might also help a bit to fill some gaps.

Every other time I've gone away, I've paid for help. This time it's trickier to get a nanny / babysitter and H needs to actually do something.

I just don't think it's fair to be this annoyed about my work trip- I haven't had a work trip since early October and then it was only 1 night away. It's not like im constantly leaving my kids. Like I said, I am the one responsible for them 99 percent of the time.

Really pissed off with this now.

OP posts:
PuttingDownRoots · 08/12/2023 18:02

DH is home tomorrow from a MONTH long trip. And... no judgement. I've had more judgement about this bloody trip than he has!

CavalierApproach · 08/12/2023 18:03

YANBU! You need a vote enabled for this one — is it too late once the thread is up?

furtivetussling · 08/12/2023 18:04

Would your MIL say the same thing to her son if he had to go on a week's business trip?

You could always ask her...

MissPettigrewIsWFH · 08/12/2023 18:05

Oh yes. I usually manage a full working day and looking after DD5. When I go on a work trip DH claims he needs to take time off work 'do cover it all'. Hmmmmmmm

IncompleteSenten · 08/12/2023 18:05

I agree. Ask her how many fathers she has made such comments to.

FuckHonestlyKnows · 08/12/2023 18:06

Oh my god, what's with the judgy bastards?!

Go, enjoy the hotel, the nights alone, the dinners with a glass of wine, read a book, have a bath, focus on your work, and leave your lazy ass husband to it.

He gets away with a lot and your MIL is enabling it.

PonyPatter44 · 08/12/2023 18:08

Are you getting grief from anyone except your MIL? You know you're not being unreasonable at all, and she is being utterly ridiculous.

In my old job, I travelled a LOT for work. I think the first time I left my DD she was about 8 months old, and I went on a trip to Chicago. My colleague who came with me had a baby of about the same age,and we sat on this restaurant boat one night and shared pictures of our babies, and got upset at how much we missed them. It doesn't mean you love them any less, it just means you have a job to do and you have to do it.

CreationNat1on · 08/12/2023 18:08

YANBU, it's ridiculous and punishing.

Wildhorses2244 · 08/12/2023 18:09

In your position my New Years resolution would be to renegotiate the home / work / life split so that dh does a fairer percentage of the work of raising a family.

This, in turn, will make going away much easier as he won’t feel so worried about coping with managing it all by himself. And after mil comments hell would freeze over before I asked her again- if dh needs help he sorts it.

”It is really important for the children to have one to one bonding time with their dad” would be my only response to mil - ideally on repeat.

Imagwine · 08/12/2023 18:09

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' it's too long '..

“Dh normally leaves the parenting for almost a week as he gets home so late. It’ll be good for them to bond when I’m away. Anyway I don’t have a choice. It’s work!”

MrsNandortheRelentless · 08/12/2023 18:12

Do it!! OMG do it!
I bloody love it! LOVE IT!

But then I have no judgement from anyone because by god they would get the sharp end of my tongue if they dared utter a word!

And DH does everything as is expected while I am away.

Purplerain0505 · 08/12/2023 18:13

YANBU! In your situation I think you just need to ignore the ridiculous comments as much as possible and crack on.

My colleague and I often laugh about the comments made to us when we go on work trips. We get asked “where are your children?” - “Oh we’re keeping them in our suitcase.”

A man would never be asked that.

Fulshaw · 08/12/2023 18:18

Is it just your MIL giving you shit or anyone else?

LaviniasBigBloomers · 08/12/2023 18:24

Your MIL needs to keep her beak out. One way to make that happen is for your DH not to ask her to support with childcare but to just step up and sort it out himself.

mbosnz · 08/12/2023 18:26

She'd need the smelling salts for my husband's work colleague then - three weeks. . .

Poor diddums Dad-Dad having to keep the house going - with a woman's 'help' of course. . .

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 08/12/2023 18:29

How dare you have a life?!! This is typical mother of sons behaviour, so many see their sons as some sort of victims of society when they have to do anything.

A neighbour in 70s recently commented how tired and stressed her son was from work and said when he goes home he has to do laundry because 'she doesn't even do the laundry!'. Wife is SAHM, 3 kids including severely disabled child. When I queried further it turns out DIL does everything for kids, plus all house stuff, she just asked DH to take over laundry as she hated it. It's his only job. But poor him.

AgnesX · 08/12/2023 18:31

Is your DH driving this (as in whinging) or is your MIL being old fashioned. Between the pair of them they can cope and if they say they can't they need a good shake.

Complete support from your DH should be a given.

Zanatdy · 08/12/2023 18:32

Ridiculous. My children’s father worked away for 7 long years, did anyone say anything to him? No. Imagine if that was a mother? It really winds me up. It’s one week, tell them both to get a grip

HouseChainDrama · 08/12/2023 18:34

I've been on two 9 day trips to the states in recent months and I left the kids with my partner who isn't even their biological father, (I'm widowed, he's bonus dad).

Anyone who told me he was a hero for managing got a steely glare, it's hardly rocket science,

Your MIL is a dick, hth

BoohooWoohoo · 08/12/2023 18:36

Yanbu OP. You should have put a vote up.

Whether it was work or leisure it’s fine.

CMOTDibbler · 08/12/2023 18:40

I started back travelling for work when ds was 6 months old (and finished my last work trip the day before he was born) and dh and I had no family help at all.
The judgement from others was very real, and plenty of 'who is looking after your son'. Your mil would have fainted about the time dh had to take ds with him on a trip to an overseas regulator because I was away.
Ds is nearly 18 now, and has fond memories of dad weeks

PictureFrameWindow · 08/12/2023 18:42

Just ignore them! I travel for work all the time and I love skipping the tidying and washing up and sleeping in a bed by myself! I do more than my fair share during normal times so it all evens out.

Gherkingreen · 08/12/2023 18:43

Your MIL has an archaic view of family life, she has no vote and should keep her opinions to herself. DH has always worked away, in fact he's just on his way back from his third international trip in two months (22 hour flights) and so I've always been the parent left at home doing the lion's share of the childcare. No one ever said to him he was away too much! He's also been/is still an absolutely brilliant hands on parent.
It was hard when DCs were little but they're late teens/one at uni now and life is way easier. I've also done trips away with work but these days, I WFH full time.

Globe22 · 08/12/2023 18:43

I’m going away in January just as the new term starts. I’m going to enjoy a bed to myself, wine, my book and chatting to colleagues in the bar for a whole week 🎉. I can’t bloody wait!

NineToFiveish · 08/12/2023 18:44

I wonder if your MIL would care to supplement your family's income equivalent to your salary and pension contributions so you can stay home with the children. No? Then she can stop being judgemental.