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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Everyone up and arms about my work trip - can a woman categorically not leave her family for a few days ???

152 replies

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 17:58

Yes I have posted about this before.

But I'm feeling differently compared to when I posted last time.

The sheer disapprovals I'm getting from my family for going on work trips is really winding me up. If a man were to go on work trips, it just wouldn't be the same.

Just saw mother in law who said that ' you can't just leave your kids for almost a week ' ' it's too long '..

Initially I was feeling upset I had to go on my work trip. But I'm kind of feeling a bit pissed off about just how much shit I'm getting for it at this point.

It's like me not being here is causing a massive, massive disruption and my H actually has to look after the kids. MIL has also agreed to help out a bit, but rather than saying ' don't worry we've got this ', she's also adding to the fact that ' as a mum, you can't just leave your kids '.

I'm the complete default parent and I do everything by myself. Household, children's drop off and pick up- mental load- all of it. My H has a very involved job and doesn't come home until 8:30 - and leaves before the kids are up. I also do all night wakings.

Now everyone is making me feel bad that I need to go on a work trip and that H needs to help out and god forbid, mother in law might also help a bit to fill some gaps.

Every other time I've gone away, I've paid for help. This time it's trickier to get a nanny / babysitter and H needs to actually do something.

I just don't think it's fair to be this annoyed about my work trip- I haven't had a work trip since early October and then it was only 1 night away. It's not like im constantly leaving my kids. Like I said, I am the one responsible for them 99 percent of the time.

Really pissed off with this now.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 08/12/2023 22:54

You do work and kids combo all week. He either thinks it's easy for you, in which case it's easy for him so why is he whinging? Or, he thinks it's too hard for him to do, in which case it's too hard for you to do too, so he should be helping ease the load.

Tell me (and I think I already know the answer) did he work til 8.30 every night pre kids? Lots of men suddenly need to work mental hours when it means they can swerve the drudgery of family life.

newnameforanewday · 08/12/2023 22:57

Don't feel guilty and don't change jobs unless you aren't happy with the job.

I left my 2 and 11 month old to go to India for a week. They were totally fine. DH did everything.

They are almost teens now. We have a lovely, very close relationship BUT they also know they have two capable parents and as boys, an excellent role model in my DH.

Mumofoneandone · 08/12/2023 23:28

Is it the combination of one partner's long working days combined with other partner being away that's the issue for the MIL rather than sex/gender related? I think the children will sadly be the one's to suffer in this situation.

AngeloMysterioso · 08/12/2023 23:30

I fucked off for 5 days to go to Glastonbury and my family survived!

Humdingerydoo · 08/12/2023 23:32

I get judged for being a SAHM (mostly out of necessity, I might add, due to how much my husband is away with work). Whatever you do, you'll be judged. So you may as well do what's right for you.

Oliveandrose · 09/12/2023 00:49

Humdingerydoo · 08/12/2023 23:32

I get judged for being a SAHM (mostly out of necessity, I might add, due to how much my husband is away with work). Whatever you do, you'll be judged. So you may as well do what's right for you.

This is so true. We can’t win.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/12/2023 01:15

Loonancy · 08/12/2023 22:10

Because there are so many pricks on here, who are primed to write "he's a useless bastard" without even reading the post properly.
If he doesn't normally get home till 2030 what's he supposed to fucking do...drive to school and hope they are still there?
What a bunch of morons....

Ignore MIL. But H taking some time off is eminently sensible...

Do his share of nights, especially if OP isn't breastfeeding
Not leave OP to also do everything at the weekend
Stop acting like DC are only OP's responsibility

....all would be a good start.

PandaChopChop · 09/12/2023 01:40

God YANBU. I get so much shit for going away to work.
Tell you what really gets them riled up though... going away NOT for work WITHOUT the kids 😉🤣 (I have also done this and can report exH managed just fine parenting his children alone)

Rewis · 09/12/2023 01:49

Is it his decision not to be involved in family life? Or is ti genuinely the nature of his job and you guys talked about it and decided it will work even with kids?

Gowlett · 09/12/2023 02:01

Your DH will manage, I’m sure. Mine said to me today that he was so tited as he’d “worked through from last week”. I said “but you were off at the weekend?” Turns out that he regards minding DS as work (sitting on the sofa watching cartoons, mostly). I was working AM Saturday & Sunday.

Oliveandrose · 09/12/2023 05:53

And then half these men try and go for 100% custody 😂

FloofCloud · 09/12/2023 06:13

I've just had a 3 day conference away from home, they're all still above! Even the 3 cats and dog ... they'll be fine and ignore your MIL she's pathetic!

Shoxfordian · 09/12/2023 06:20

Looks like you've married a sexist who doesn't support you and his mother is just encouraging this nonsense

dishyrishi · 09/12/2023 06:49

Just tell your MIL to do one

I've had this, mass panic from the MIL, "oh dearest son, if you need me to come and step in I will, you only have to ask"

Step in and do what, create more work?

Her son more than capable of looking after his own kids, archaic views and opinions not needed.

MargotBamborough · 09/12/2023 07:44

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 21:43

Yeah so it looks like I'm going to need to do this every 3-4 months for a couple of nights.

Just been arguing with H about it, as he thinks that's ' too frequent ' to leave and it's not ideal.

I don't think it's that frequent for someone who's absolutely the default parent 5-6 days a week with pretty much zero help from him.

So what is he proposing? Is he suggesting you should leave your job, if the travel is a requirement?

dishyrishi · 09/12/2023 07:49

Sounds like he should have married someone from his mothers friendship circle, from the times when women did as the "man of the arse" said

Rocksonabeach · 09/12/2023 07:50

I’d counter back to my husband no you need to find a job where you are home at 5.30 pm every single night Monday to Friday - you made them, you aren’t parenting.

as for mil - ask her why she isn’t telling her son he needs a job where is home and helping out 50/50 as a proper partner

MargotBamborough · 09/12/2023 07:56

flowerbedd · 08/12/2023 21:57

@TheonlywayIcould he thinks I need to find another job. However all jobs in my industry involve some travel.

He says it's not true ( he's wrong, I've always travelled a bit ).

He wants me to find a job that fits into my home life better...

He is however pissed off that his mother has chimed in.

FIL was also telling me last week I needed to find a more suitable job that means I don't need to travel and leave my kids..

Even if I just wanted to go away for the weekend ( 2 nights ) 3-4 times a year- I think I should be able to do that, even if it was just for pleasure and for me to get away and clear my head. I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to do that and I don't see how that's excessive time away from my kids tbh. Seeing as I'm always with them. I was just making that argument to H. But he still thinks it would be a lot of time away.

Tell him you will look for another job when he has found another job which enables him to do morning school/nursery drop offs and be home in time to do dinner/bath/bed every night.

MargotBamborough · 09/12/2023 07:57

Oh and tell him to tell his parents to mind their own business, otherwise you will have to tell them yourself.

Mrsjayy · 09/12/2023 07:59

Rocksonabeach · 09/12/2023 07:50

I’d counter back to my husband no you need to find a job where you are home at 5.30 pm every single night Monday to Friday - you made them, you aren’t parenting.

as for mil - ask her why she isn’t telling her son he needs a job where is home and helping out 50/50 as a proper partner

I mean this !

babbi · 09/12/2023 08:06

SecondUsername4me · 08/12/2023 22:42

He wants me to find a job that fits into my home life better...

He means

He wants me to find a job that fits into his home life better...

@SecondUsername4me 👌🏻 nailed it .
I divorced eventually for this very reason .
I needed to work financially but had nothing but grief about only working in jobs that suited my ex H .
ie I was working locally so I could be home to do the housework quickly while he did nothing .

Since being on my own I have been promoted several times , have a brilliant job that I love and can travel when needed with no whining .

OP do not give in to this pressure .

Original poster
flowerbedd · 09/12/2023 08:22

But I just want to say, even if I wanted to have a weekend away every 3-4 months ( 1, max 2 nights ) just because I wanted to do that and because I needed to do that, seeing as I do everything usually- surely I should be entitled to that ? That's not even what we are talking about here, it's a work thing anyway. It really pisses me off, all of it.

I've allowed the comments to go on from his family for too long too. I should have nipped it immediately.

Every time, ' you're going away again ? Omg ?? ' how can they ask you to do that ? ' ' don't they know you have a family ? '. ' you have kids now, it's not just you and your husband anymore '. Etc etc

I'm so angry I actually didn't tell them all to fuck off sooner. I'm also really angry at H. Because he also thinks it's inappropriate. No one thinks it's inappropriate that some weeks he doesn't see his kids from Monday to Friday.

No one seems to give a shit that everything is on my shoulders at home, 99 percent of the time.

My H can't ' just change jobs ' though. He has his own business, so it's impossible right now to change it. And yes it is inconvenient when I go away. But you know what's funny- when he's got man flu- he manages to stay home from work and the whole place doesn't collapse.

I'm still really angry and disappointed with everything. I didn't build my career up and study for many many years to be treated like a house slave.

OP posts:
ElaineMBenes · 09/12/2023 08:55

Even my colleagues piss me off. On the last trip someone asked me how I felt about leaving my kid "all alone", and someone else said something about my kid getting quality time with their dad. .

Both me and DH travel for work but I travel more regularly as it's big part of my job ( I actually have 'international' in my job title)

I always get asked who is 'babysitting' my son. Nobody has ever asked my DH that.

Also, people constantly check on DH to ask how he's coping without me and offer help. I've never had anyone do that.

SquishyGloopyBum · 09/12/2023 09:38

Gosh op, I really feel for you.

Your H needs to pull his socks up. I'd also be telling him that if you were to divorce, it would be 50:50 with the children and he'd have to step up.

He's using you as a domestic appliance. I'd be pushing back hard on this.

Woman2023 · 09/12/2023 12:39

I feel for you. Don't back down. Do make it clear that he can cope, you will be going and you will not be made to feel guilty about it.