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Original poster

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

248 replies

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 08:56

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 08/12/2023 12:37

Just cook and do the washing for you and the kids

He is a lazy good for nothing H

Couldyounot · 08/12/2023 12:37

You should not tolerate this at all, OP. The idle fucker needs to stop lounging around, mewling pathetically about the place being untidy, and get up and fucking sort it.

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2023 12:46

Tell him to go back to work full time and hire out the childcare. Of course the salary will go to childcare, cleaning, and things like that—the women’s work that he is refusing to do—but so what. He should be paying to get out of that work. He will need that job once you divorce him.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/12/2023 12:51

your poor child sitting in front of the tv all day! what a life - get full time childcare and sack him off!

Reindeering · 08/12/2023 12:52

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:45

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner, is there anything that they don’t do? My house isn’t a shit hole it’s mainly the floors and bathrooms seals and windows.

Speechless. He has given you a very clear insight into how he thinks and his character.

He does not consider himself as a member of a family, let alone a father or a husband.

This explain his attitude towards you, and why he is not feeding or raising his child properly.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks of himself as the master of the house, and you are merely housekeeper, chef, nanny, sex worker, all rolled into one.
A servant who also pays in money to work in this lofty position. Let alone be paid, respected, and appreciated for these jobs.
Working only 3 days and not taking care of the house and children - it’s so outrageous. Something very precise must have been happening for him to get away with this, some kind of neurolinguistic programming and brainwashing.

Was it always like this? Did it slide slowly into this?

I watched Andrew Tate, the man who groomed the world… and what has been done to you sounds like his PHD course… this gives instructions on how to turn a woman into a literal slave, one that serves and provided sex, and most importantly, brings in the bigger income.

Crucially, the way this grooming is done, is to keep the woman so busy serving the man, running the household, and working… that she literally has no free time to think or escape… her whole life is taken over and she doesn’t have any other avenues. This is done by negative reinforcement when she doesn’t do what is expected, and is given crumbs of attention when she toes the line.

It’s called the Pavlovian response and works to train humans as well as dogs.

It sounds like you have been kept very busy indeed and are pretty well trained out of protesting.

Its not too late for you and thank God you have a legitimate well paying job. You need not be stuck. Get your ducks in a row regarding work and establishing that diary that you not only work but are primary cared of house and children, more like you are sole cared and he doesn’t give a fuck.

SiousieSoo · 08/12/2023 12:54

Gosh his behaviour is utterly shameful towards you. He is so lazy and he sounds misogynistic to suggest that this is all your responsibility when you work full time. HR can be incredibly stressful and time intensive and he is not pulling his weight at all in terms of the household chores. I am angry on your behalf at his disgusting attitude towards you. I think he needs a clear ultimatum, because he is not going to change of his own volition.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 08/12/2023 12:56

I work PT and on my 2 afternoons and 1 day off I do washing, cooking, cleaning etc. My DP earns the brilliant salary but he also does his share of pick ups.

You have to find a system which works for you all. Him being fun dad on the PlayStation may have a place but it shouldn’t stop him pulling his weight. Divide the chores between you based on time available and then stick to them.

Oh and tell him to stop moaning and pick up the duster!

Coconutter24 · 08/12/2023 12:59

If he a male was working full time and you a woman working part time and looking after DC in the day he would fully expect you to be cleaning the house and tea on the table (well it sounds like he expects that now!) So why does he think he shouldn’t be pulling his weight? He sounds lazy

Reindeering · 08/12/2023 13:03

Coconutter24 · 08/12/2023 12:59

If he a male was working full time and you a woman working part time and looking after DC in the day he would fully expect you to be cleaning the house and tea on the table (well it sounds like he expects that now!) So why does he think he shouldn’t be pulling his weight? He sounds lazy

He sounds exploitative and lacking in empathy, even for his own young infant.

Brandyginger · 08/12/2023 13:03

Forget the messy house: your poor poor baby …

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/12/2023 13:05

You are married to a lazy bastard.

You don't have to be married to him.

babyproblems · 08/12/2023 13:14

You’ve got a mega DH problem. If he isn’t doing his share either at home or at work you’d be better off without him and him paying maintenance.

In your position I’d give him an ultimatum that we had marriage counselling or separation. He’s a weight on your life quite frankly and even his childcare methods sounds shit and not beneficial to your 1 year old. Ironic as you’d think he’s well placed to understand the burden that falls on women!! Seems not even though it’s plain to see for him.

Either he becomes your equal or he goes. Don’t burn yourself out for him.Best of luck xxx

fetchacloth · 08/12/2023 13:15

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 08/12/2023 09:01

He sounds like a lazy misogynist. Are you sure you want to carry on living with him?

I agree. He works part-time against your full time and doesn't help much with the DC or cleaning 🤔.
I think it's time to question what positives he brings to your relationship and family.

Anisette · 08/12/2023 13:15

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:05

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

Show quote history

I assume you ask him why he can't do it in the daytime? It's not good enough to say the mess is made by the children not him, so it's not his responsibility - they're his children and he's in charge of them all day. I hope you also point out that if his mum and dad came over you would have great pleasure in pointing out that he is doing fuck all to keep the place clean and tidy despite having many, many more available hours in the week to do it.

Indiagrace94 · 08/12/2023 13:19

Tell him to get a grip.

CHRIS003 · 08/12/2023 13:20

You are saying that he has changed so much - but looking at what you are saying it is you that has changed.you have trained for a new job and is very demanding but obviously pays well and you have discovered that family life with a partner isn't enough for you anymore. Why don't you leave and let your husband look after the kids and the home you could have the kids on weekends and sort some maintenance out then you would have all funtime with your children and none of the pressure of running the home - lots of men do this !

saffronsoup · 08/12/2023 13:26

Just read threads by women who say their husbands don't think they do enough cleaning or housework or keep the house clean enough or do x, y or z while they are at home with the kids. Reading those responses will take the sexism out of the responses you get here. While there are some who think stay at home parents should meet their spouses's expectations of chores and housework, many think the working parent gets no say on what needs to get done during the day. Most say the SAHP is not a maid or cleaner and that looking after the child is their responsiblity, not to clean or cook or do laundry or chores

CatOnTheCludgy · 08/12/2023 13:27

Sounds like nursery would be better quality childcare than his.
Keep your job.
Give him an ultimatum. Either he shapes up or he ships out.

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 13:29

He’s put the baby down for a nap and now gone off to town to go round the shops! But he is the worst life ever apparently!!

Said he hates me and can’t stand me either whilst I was in a teams meeting. He has no respect for me or my career either.

OP posts:
ChristmasLights23 · 08/12/2023 13:30

Definitely send your child to nursery. You say you earn good money. I think the way your child is being treated by him ie ignored is cruel.

Nowherenew · 08/12/2023 13:30

CHRIS003 · 08/12/2023 13:20

You are saying that he has changed so much - but looking at what you are saying it is you that has changed.you have trained for a new job and is very demanding but obviously pays well and you have discovered that family life with a partner isn't enough for you anymore. Why don't you leave and let your husband look after the kids and the home you could have the kids on weekends and sort some maintenance out then you would have all funtime with your children and none of the pressure of running the home - lots of men do this !

It’s very possible to have a career and a family life and partner.

What OP doesn’t like is a partner who treats her like a maid who also works FT, whilst he naps, neglects his kids and plays PlayStation all day and then has the nerve to moan about his life and belittle OP over it.

I agree that OP needs to leave but only because her DH is a lazy twat who doesn’t respect her or his kids, not because she’s gotten a career to provide a better life for her family.

PrinceHaz · 08/12/2023 13:32

Leave him. You have a good job so you are in a position to live without him.

MrsKeats · 08/12/2023 13:32

He's not looking after the kids.
He's putting them in front of a tv. Would you be happy if a childminder did that?

Nowherenew · 08/12/2023 13:33

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 13:29

He’s put the baby down for a nap and now gone off to town to go round the shops! But he is the worst life ever apparently!!

Said he hates me and can’t stand me either whilst I was in a teams meeting. He has no respect for me or my career either.

So you’re working, yet he’s making you look after the youngest if they wake up?

He has completely checked out of this relationship.

Either there’s an OW (although I think he’s too lazy for this) or he’s annoyed that you are becoming more independent and have your own career, earning more money than him and didn’t stay in your place.

He’s a dick and I honestly don’t know why you’re still with him and what you get out of it.
He sounds vile.

Shouldbedoing · 08/12/2023 13:34

Keep your head down, make sure you can prove that you do all the children's life care -Dentist GP shoe fitting, clubs, buying clothes that fit or else he could claim to be an actual SAHP, rather than a feeble babysitter. Go on a list for a nursery place for littlest. Get your probation done, then get rid. Outsource work to a cleaner or ironing person or whatever helps. Keep a diary, too.