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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess

248 replies

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 08:56

I work full time from home I have a stressful job in HR and I have to constantly be on the ball and my job does take over my life in a sense. By time I’ve finished work I’m exhausted and have to think about dinner at 5pm.

DH works part time 3 times a week on the evening the rest of his days are spent with 1 year old DS wondering around the house. He doesn’t take DS to any trips out or anything. We also have another 2 DCS.

On the weekends I will deep clean and strip beds and food shop but I mainly leave everything to these days.

During the week we having many arguments about the cleanliness of the house and no dinner arrangements.

If he was working full time the house would be tidy and dinner would be ready for 5.

He just blames me for everything and it’s really starting to upset me and in some ways it’s making me feel nervous and all over the place I feel like I’m heading towards a breakdown.

I get paid a brilliant salary and I am trying to keep my job as I’m able to provide my kids with a better life but I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

I feel like quitting some days and just having no money at least the house would be clean and food would be in the fridge.

I can’t express my views as it just turns into a huge argument.

So much is expected of me!

OP posts:
WhatsitWiggle · 08/12/2023 12:01

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 11:45

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner, is there anything that they don’t do? My house isn’t a shit hole it’s mainly the floors and bathrooms seals and windows.

But he expects you to pick up after the kids?

DaftyInTheMiddle · 08/12/2023 12:03

I’m currently looking in to a cleaner
You should be looking into a divorce lawyer first.

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 12:04

I am happy to leave but so many things I have to take into account and I also want to pass my probationary period in March first. I also don’t want to split my family up but in all honesty at the moment I don’t see a future with him. He has completely changed from the man I first met.

OP posts:
DaftyInTheMiddle · 08/12/2023 12:04

allmyliesaretrue · 08/12/2023 12:01

Invite his mum and dad over without telling him and let them see the mess for themselves. Embarrass the hell out of him.

Also send him to fuck back out to work. His being a partly SAHP is not working. He's not fulfilling his side of the deal and it sounds like he's not exactly stimulating company for your children. Then outsource the childcare and the cleaning. He can pay proportionately according to his earnings.

Otherwise, just get rid. It's shocking that he won't even make lunches or at least start the dinner.

I too have a busy caseload, same field - it's far from easy.

Show quote history

I’ve be inclined to think this lazy man child has his misogynistic attitude from somewhere. I’d be will to bet my next wage packet on the fact that if OP invited his parents over and the house mess, it would be OPs fault because the poor little solider is run ragged looking after the kids all day and she should tidy up as it’s her job.

Zone2NorthLondon · 08/12/2023 12:05

He’s the househusband he needs crack on with the chores. Don’t pay for a cleaner because he’s lazy
youre the earner he only work part time

Lochness1975 · 08/12/2023 12:06

OP Everyone says leave him, get rid, he’s a waste of space, what does he bring to the marriage etc etc , but I bet half are in crap relationships themselves. It’s easier said when it’s someone else’s life.

See if you can get a cleaner, if it makes you feel any better my house is a mess too- I work mainly from home or out for long day if I’m on site. I can barely cook some evenings as I’m so tired- me and the just eat app are good friends at the moment. All fed and no dead as they say.

TravelInHope · 08/12/2023 12:08

He is a total waste of space. You are right to be fed up with him.

Diyextension · 08/12/2023 12:09

Get the cleaner…..have your shopping delivered ( do people still go supermarket shopping now ? ). See how that goes ? Who wouldn’t want a cleaner 🙂

Nicole1111 · 08/12/2023 12:10

Write a list of ALL the tasks that need doing in the house. Tell him that you’re going to share those outside of your working hours, so you don’t expect him to do it while he’s caring for the children, but he has to do HALF of all tasks in the evening and weekends. Ask him to identify which half he plans to do.
I also just want to add from what you’ve said I suspect he’s being abusive. Have a look at this and see if any of it rings true for you.

DH sits down all day and complains the house is a mess
Diyextension · 08/12/2023 12:11

Lochness1975 · 08/12/2023 12:06

OP Everyone says leave him, get rid, he’s a waste of space, what does he bring to the marriage etc etc , but I bet half are in crap relationships themselves. It’s easier said when it’s someone else’s life.

See if you can get a cleaner, if it makes you feel any better my house is a mess too- I work mainly from home or out for long day if I’m on site. I can barely cook some evenings as I’m so tired- me and the just eat app are good friends at the moment. All fed and no dead as they say.

The eating apps are everyone’s friend.

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 12:13

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

But he has the luxury of hardly working because you are the main earner.

If one half of a couple work full time and are providing the income for their mortgage, the deal is that the other partner focuses on the household chores, food shopping, child care.

Why is he only working 3 evenings? What does he do?
How much does he bring home in income?

And if you leave him how would he support himself?
He needs to wake up.

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 12:15

but I bet half are in crap relationships themselves.

But even if they are, that doesn't mean they can't give advice.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 08/12/2023 12:17

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 09:05

I always say to him why are you coming to tell me for? And he always said you should be doing it on the evening it’s just embarrassing imagine if my mum and dad came over and seen this now.

Show quote history

That would make my blood boil. My DH doesn’t like cleaning (until he gets started sometimes, and then he won’t stop) but he jolly well knows that he’s responsible for half of it, and would never dream of nagging me or ordering me around if I haven’t done my share.

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 12:17

Show him this thread.

The fact he ignores your child for 3 hours is iniquitous.
How much stimulation and language input is your child getting? Zero, from him.

Why does a grown man need to lie on the sofa half the day?

And he won't even make your lunch?

Honestly, you need to tell him to get a job and leave.

I cannot believe you, as an intelligent woman, accept this crap.

Nowherenew · 08/12/2023 12:20

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 12:04

I am happy to leave but so many things I have to take into account and I also want to pass my probationary period in March first. I also don’t want to split my family up but in all honesty at the moment I don’t see a future with him. He has completely changed from the man I first met.

When did the relationship start changing?

Has he ever worked FT?

How did it end up that you work FT but he only works PT?

It sounds like he’s checked out/punishing you.
He’s obviously very unhappy.

Is he resentful that you have a good job?
Could he also go back to work FT?

Nowherenew · 08/12/2023 12:21

He said he is not picking up after me and the kids as we are the ones that make all the mess so that is his answer.

So the mess your joint kids make is somehow your sole responsibility? 🤔

Pipsquiggle · 08/12/2023 12:24

He's a twat.

Whenever myself or my DH haven't been working, we take over the household duties of cleaning, cooking and the majority of the childcare - why doesn't your DH do the same? Letting your baby watch TV for hours everyday is not childcare.

Fuck him. Get the cleaner - or don't if it's not bothering you.

Original poster
Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 12:25

He last worked full time in 2020 I believe, I don’t think he enjoys working full time and feels it’s pointless as the majority of his salary would go on childcare if he was to go back.

He was a scaffolder previously and I stayed home with the kids. But since then I have worked full time jobs and studied.

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 08/12/2023 12:27

Getting a cleaner is a stop gap for now but why should you pay for something he should do.Whilst the baby sleeps you say for 2 hours imagine how much you would do in that time.Wash on,beds tidied.Clean washing put away.Start on dinner prep ie veg.Sweep vacuum.Job done.Baby has left overs from night before for lunch.On line shopping so simple healthy meals.He is a disgrace I would be beside myself.Don’t accept this awful behaviour.Tell him this cannot continue his choice now.Find your anger.

Goldbar · 08/12/2023 12:28

If he doesn't enjoy working and doesn't enjoy being at home with the kids, what does he enjoy?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/12/2023 12:30

If he’s so embarrassed about what his parents would say about the house tell him to clean up. However if I was his mother he’d get a kick ip the backside for being such a lazy arse.

He’s not going to clean up though is? He thinks it’s ‘wimmins’ work.

To make life easier for yourself, not for him, employ a cleaner regardless of what he says. He’s at home all bloody day so he needs to either shape up or shop out.
To be honest you’d be better off on your own.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/12/2023 12:33

Although it will sting, and there's no reason why you SHOULD have to do this, can you send your youngest to a good childminder who has other kids and takes them out to the park/playgroups etc? I am so worried about the miserable life your little child is enduring.

If you do this it will show that you are deadly serious about what an utter cocklodger he is. And that you can manage on your own without him.

BrieAndChilli · 08/12/2023 12:34

as a previous SAHM who worked several evenings a week...

I would look after the children in the day/do school runs etc. I would then try and keep on top of the washing, do some light housework and would cook and have tea ready. I would also take kids to park or afterschool activities etc. Toddlers would be taken to toddler groups or other activities a couple of times a week.
Of course there would be days when the kids were a nightmare for whatever reason or I had been out and about all day so nothing was done at home and sometimes it might have looked like i did nothing when in fact i'd cleaned the floors several times and tidied, the kids just made a mess again!

DH would help with kids and house stuff when he got home and on weekends

I would make a list of reasonable daily chores/exepctation such as taking toddler to groups a couple of times a week/ park etc and if DH doesnt want to do it I would tell him that he can get a full time job and you will use his wages to pay someone to do it.
That way the house will be tidy as no-one there in the day, a cleaner will keep it clean and DH will be kept busy.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 08/12/2023 12:37

The higher earner is irrelevant here it’s his attitude that’s relevant.

He has more spare time and due to this the household chores fall to him , he doesn’t get to sit on his arse and play computer games while his wife is drowning in all angles.

Id personally sit down and say this is your needs and expectations and come to a compromise, if he digs in his heals then you advise that the marriage cannot continue as is, due to is attitude and for more more important laziness and lack of understanding/drive.

BlazingJune · 08/12/2023 12:37

Sickofthislife · 08/12/2023 12:25

He last worked full time in 2020 I believe, I don’t think he enjoys working full time and feels it’s pointless as the majority of his salary would go on childcare if he was to go back.

He was a scaffolder previously and I stayed home with the kids. But since then I have worked full time jobs and studied.

He's lazy and misguided.

Once your baby is 2 you will get some free hours of childcare.
Are your older children at school now or in nursery?

But if, as a couple, you decide that one of you will stay at home, then that parent has to do the chores and manage the house AND not ignore a baby.

If you are in HR and earn a high salary and he was a scaffolder, are you not mismatched anyway in lifestyle and education?

You do realise too that he is controlling and abusive.

The way he refuses to discuss this and it descends into an argument shows that.

I think if I were you I'd be making an appt with a solicitor and getting a plan in my head to divorce him.