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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL is angry at me for forgetting to cancel dinner rather than me and DH

171 replies

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 16:58

We alternate hosting dinner with in laws every Thursday. This week was her turn.
DD has been up all night with a vomiting bug just one day after our younger DD had had a vomiting bug also. DH and I have maybe had 3 hours of sleep between us for the past 2 days and are utterly exhausted. DH and I both work, I took yesterday off to be with the girls and he took the day off with them today.

Honestly, we both just forgot to let MIL know (frankly we both forgot it was even Thursday) and I'm not saying that's okay, it was a thoughtless oversight for which we're genuinely sorry.
When I got home from work we realised and DH rang his Mum to let her know. I heard the conversation and she was very understanding and as she'd already cooked very kindly stopped by and dropped the food in our porch. I text her to thank her separately and apologies again. She's text back:

"Well, it would have been nice if you'd called earlier, it would have been a shame to waste all this food and I'd preferred not to have to have bothered really. Let me know in future please."

Now, she's not necessarily being unreasonable for what she's said but why was she all understanding and loving with DH and lots of 'oh you poor things, you must all be shattered' etc. but then this with me? And it's not like she hasn't text DH as well to say, actually on reflection I'm mad at you, so it's only me she's sent this to.

Generally I get along very well with MIL so I'm a bit annoyed she's chosen to blame just me for this oversight rather than both of us.

AIBU or as I was the one not home with the girls all day I should have remembered and let her know so am the one she has a right to be annoyed with?

OP posts:

AgMaggy · 07/12/2023 17:01

Because her precious son can do no wrong where as the DIL can. That's just what they can be like!

contactus · 07/12/2023 17:01

You get on well
You must be very close for dinner every Thursday
So she was probs let just disappointed

If she’s not a MIL to usually regard you to blame for mishaps…. then i wouldn’t give it a moment further thought

Wahtnow · 07/12/2023 17:02

I think it's more likely to be that she knows the polite response is oh you poor things, let me help, so that's what she did when talking directly to someone, but it was easier to say she was pissed off as well by text.

Sapphire387 · 07/12/2023 17:02

Text back saying DH will be sure to let you know.

User13579367337 · 07/12/2023 17:04

I’d put it down to her being disappointed and perhaps having a really shit day. I’ve had to take myself off to my bedroom for 10 mins as I’ve had the day from hell, I’ve got work in 25 mins and I’m going to explode if someone even looks at me the wrong way right now. Maybe get your husband to text back ‘sorry for letting you know mum, I was so exhausted I forgot’. Then move on

SylvieLaufeydottir · 07/12/2023 17:05

Because he's her kid and you're not. Also that was pretty mild tbh. It's not like she tore a strip off you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/12/2023 17:05

Because she knows it's usally the woman who does all the organising.

Still rude of her though to single you out for the lecture.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/12/2023 17:06

What an ideal opportunity to break the tie of every Thursday night.

Friendfoe1 · 07/12/2023 17:06

It easier to say what you really think by text than in person on the phone. If you usually have a good relationship I wouldn’t let this put a dampener on it.

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 17:06

I'd be petty as fuck and reply I've passed your message on to X to let him know you're disappointed neither of us contacted you earlier. Sorry again and we'll make sure to try to be more on top of things in future.

Clouddrifting · 07/12/2023 17:06

I’d reply- DH is ever so sorry- he was so busy looking after the kids & hasnt had much sleep either so he’s not at his best at the moment, he’ll do his best to remember if anything similar happens in future.’

Quartz2208 · 07/12/2023 17:07

Did your DZh text her, so7nds like she just vented on a text

contactus · 07/12/2023 17:07

Friendfoe1 · 07/12/2023 17:06

It easier to say what you really think by text than in person on the phone. If you usually have a good relationship I wouldn’t let this put a dampener on it.

we are in the minority

DaughterNo2 · 07/12/2023 17:08

I’d other DC had a vomiting bug the day before, why didn’t either of you let her know then🤷‍♀️
Don’t agree with her messaging you tho

CaineRaine · 07/12/2023 17:10

It’d be the passive aggressive 👍 response from me. Yes you should have told her but sounds like you both had your hands full so there was no need for her to lay on the guilt if you’re otherwise reliable.

PaminaMozart · 07/12/2023 17:13

Clouddrifting · 07/12/2023 17:06

Perfect response.

Having said this, I would not choose this as a hill to die on. Good relationships with in-laws are worth the occasional sock in mouth response.

2jacqi · 07/12/2023 17:13

@Cuddleinacup make sure you show him the message from his mother to you!

YourNameGoesHere · 07/12/2023 17:14

Justmuddlingalong · 07/12/2023 17:06

What an ideal opportunity to break the tie of every Thursday night.

Agreed! I appreciate it's nice to spend time together but this now feels more like a chore than a lovely family occasion.

Surely her son had told her the kids were sick earlier in the week?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 17:15

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 17:06

This and I'd be passing the communication on to dh solely from now on....because I too am a tad petty!!

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 07/12/2023 17:16

‘Oh - you sounded fine on the phone to DH? I’ll make sure to let him know you’ve expressed your annoyance to me, and that he really should communicate with you better in future. And he does have his phone on him so you can text him directly next time.’

Olika · 07/12/2023 17:19

Clouddrifting · 07/12/2023 17:06

This is perfect

Halfacnut · 07/12/2023 17:20

Every Thursday. I could feel my life ebbing away at this thought.

Is there anyone on MN who doesn't live cheek by jowl with their parents/ILs/siblings/cousins?

I'd just ring MIL and say "sorry, Bill and I were both completely shattered by the vomiting children and neither of us realised what day it was. Dinner was lovely (unless it wasn't), thanks".

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 17:21

Oh and Dh could plan, cook and serve the fortnightly hosting as well, and would I hell go to theirs again, given she'd 'prefer not to do it' or I'd be uber petty and latch on to that.
'Am so glad you'd prefer not to do the dinners anymore, we've been saying the same, I'll leave it to Dh sort his next catch up with you'

StaunchMomma · 07/12/2023 17:21

'Thank you for bringing over the food. Very much appreciated. Apologies for the mix-up - it was an honest oversight on our parts, as (DH) has explained, due to a few really hard days. You clearly have some anger about the issue and I would prefer if you please speak to (DH) about this, please. As far as he is concerned, you are fine and have been very understanding about it. Please message him with your concerns or if you'd rather, I will forward him the message you sent to me. Thanks'.

BMW6 · 07/12/2023 17:24

If you have a good relationship with her I think I'd be upfront and ask why she's giving you a telling off and not her son!

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