MIL is angry at me for forgetting to cancel dinner rather than me and DH

[Cuddleinacup]

We alternate hosting dinner with in laws every Thursday. This week was her turn.
DD has been up all night with a vomiting bug just one day after our younger DD had had a vomiting bug also. DH and I have maybe had 3 hours of sleep between us for the past 2 days and are utterly exhausted. DH and I both work, I took yesterday off to be with the girls and he took the day off with them today.

Honestly, we both just forgot to let MIL know (frankly we both forgot it was even Thursday) and I'm not saying that's okay, it was a thoughtless oversight for which we're genuinely sorry.
When I got home from work we realised and DH rang his Mum to let her know. I heard the conversation and she was very understanding and as she'd already cooked very kindly stopped by and dropped the food in our porch. I text her to thank her separately and apologies again. She's text back:

"Well, it would have been nice if you'd called earlier, it would have been a shame to waste all this food and I'd preferred not to have to have bothered really. Let me know in future please."

Now, she's not necessarily being unreasonable for what she's said but why was she all understanding and loving with DH and lots of 'oh you poor things, you must all be shattered' etc. but then this with me? And it's not like she hasn't text DH as well to say, actually on reflection I'm mad at you, so it's only me she's sent this to.

Generally I get along very well with MIL so I'm a bit annoyed she's chosen to blame just me for this oversight rather than both of us.

AIBU or as I was the one not home with the girls all day I should have remembered and let her know so am the one she has a right to be annoyed with?

I would also go with "Thanks for the food! I forwarded your message on to DH and now he knows how upset you were I'm sure he'll remember to contact you next time xxx"

Brilliant. This is the one.

I wouldn’t give it another thought tbh. It sucks, it happened and it’s done.

I know some people are proud to be petty but most grown-ups don’t usually feel this way about their flaws. Leave it!

Various pps, no, I don’t agree, sorry.

Letting people know if you’re cancelling plans is basic manners, regardless of the relationship.

I would have taken the "you" as meaning both of us tbh.

Sometimes you can feel pissed off when you think on things for a bit.

I think it was really kind of her to bring the food over.

I think it can be hard to realise how busy other people are & that it's possible to forget something that happens every week.

It perhaps hurt that she feels it means more to her.

This is the sort of thing that might happen with us. Not quite like this, but similar so I get why it's annoying. It's like the time I offered (because everyone else couldn't be assed) to host lunch on BIL's birthday. I didn't buy him a cake because, quite honestly, it didn't cross my mind. It also didn't cross DH's mind or SIL's mind.

But MIL made a POINT of saying, "I thought it was disappointing that <my precious darling baby> didn't get a cake for his birthday" to me, while everyone else was around. And then it turned into a whole fight because believe it or not, DH decided that his mum was right - I should have provided a cake. hahahahahahahaha.

We are all human OP! You & your H made a mistake which inconvenienced your MIL.
Prehaps if she wasn’t tired and fed up your MIL wouldn’t have sent a note that was abrupt. But she’s entitled to be disappointed.
Just take it on the chin and accept you made a thoughtless mistake and MIL has the right to respond. If it was the other way round could you honestly say you wouldn’t have been annoyed?

Yep, that's exactly what I'd reply with. I've done similar when my in laws have presumed I'm doing the organising for stuff. I've always been very clear that anything to do with his family is organised by my DH, not me.

Because you are the woman and you are supposed to be the one "on top of everything"!
Didn't you know!

No advice other than to say the exact same thing happened to me. Things went downhill over the years and now I happily have nothing to do with her. It’s been 7 years of bliss 😂

YANBU

I miscarried on MIL birthday. She wrote me a very long letter about how she would never be able to celebrate her birthday again. She also complained I'd not asked after a relative who had been poorly. We had not asked as we didn't know. But it was all my fault.

I think the ‘you’ is a joint you and it was easier to be annoyed in a text message. I wouldn’t take it personally.

I agree but that is just spoiling everyone's fun.

People talking about "a telling off" made me laugh. Do people really see that very mild message as a telling off? Doesn't really compare to the hairdryer treatment does it?

There isn't one thing in that message that isn't perfectly reasonable, of course it would have been nice if she'd had more notice, of course it would have been a shame to waste the food. She perfectly reasonably would have preferred to know not to bother and in future she should be told in good time.

I think it is weird to be annoyed enough to send a text. I couldn’t get annoyed with anyone who has a sick child and forgot our plans. It’s a weekly dinner and a one off forgetful stressful moment. I would ignore the message.

He picked up the phone and told her and apologised. The OP didn't.

" yes DH really should have remembered as he was home with x all day. I'll tell him how upset you are "

He apologised for both him and his wife to his mum. It did not require a woman who had done a full day's work on top of 3 hours sleep to duplicate an apology call and she messaged to thank the mil. If mil had anything to say she should have addressed that with her son.

It is normal for feelings to change as information gets processed. She felt one way when she first heard on the phone but then later when looking at all her hard work of cooking and now needing to pack it up and drive it over - she felt a little grumpy. You texted her and she answered in the mood she was in.

Your DH had already told her and said sorry so I am not sure why you felt the need to text her too. SHe didn't reply to DH because he didn't text her.

You seem to be looking for trouble in this one.

I'd be thanking God that you didn't pass that bug onto me. Bugger the food.

@saffronsoup I didn't text her to look for trouble, I text her to thank her for the food and added the apology in.

Next time just take 2 puking dc round..

“I’ll pass that on to your son so he will know for next time..”

Tbh like a pp I don't find what she has put that bad.

I get it's annoying that she said to her son by phone that it was all ok but on reflection & given the chance she has had a bit of a moan.

That's what some of "them" can be like.

Just like other threads about DILs can be about what some of "them" can be like.

Try being a little more sophisticated in your thinking.

Personally I’d go for:

‘😥’