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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is angry at me for forgetting to cancel dinner rather than me and DH

171 replies

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 16:58

We alternate hosting dinner with in laws every Thursday. This week was her turn.
DD has been up all night with a vomiting bug just one day after our younger DD had had a vomiting bug also. DH and I have maybe had 3 hours of sleep between us for the past 2 days and are utterly exhausted. DH and I both work, I took yesterday off to be with the girls and he took the day off with them today.

Honestly, we both just forgot to let MIL know (frankly we both forgot it was even Thursday) and I'm not saying that's okay, it was a thoughtless oversight for which we're genuinely sorry.
When I got home from work we realised and DH rang his Mum to let her know. I heard the conversation and she was very understanding and as she'd already cooked very kindly stopped by and dropped the food in our porch. I text her to thank her separately and apologies again. She's text back:

"Well, it would have been nice if you'd called earlier, it would have been a shame to waste all this food and I'd preferred not to have to have bothered really. Let me know in future please."

Now, she's not necessarily being unreasonable for what she's said but why was she all understanding and loving with DH and lots of 'oh you poor things, you must all be shattered' etc. but then this with me? And it's not like she hasn't text DH as well to say, actually on reflection I'm mad at you, so it's only me she's sent this to.

Generally I get along very well with MIL so I'm a bit annoyed she's chosen to blame just me for this oversight rather than both of us.

AIBU or as I was the one not home with the girls all day I should have remembered and let her know so am the one she has a right to be annoyed with?

OP posts:
GoingDownLikeBHS · 07/12/2023 17:48

Why on earth do you think she has “every right to be annoyed”? If I sent that message to a friend it would be with the expectation that I was creating a massive fall out that would not be resolved any time soon. Maybe your attitude signals to her she can do or say what she likes without consequences?

It would definitely last Thursday dinner for me.

Georgyporky · 07/12/2023 17:53

I'd text her & say that you've forwarded her message to DH.

Wishimaywishimight · 07/12/2023 17:53

Surely she should be more concerned about her grandchildren rather than a cancelled dinner!

I would be tempted to reply "Sure. The children are feeling a little better by the way."

JustWimpy · 07/12/2023 17:53

What does your husband say about you getting your wrist slapped while she didn't reprimand him?

FortofPud · 07/12/2023 17:53

The phone call with DH caught her unawares and she responded well. Then she thought about it for a while and felt a bit put out. When you then messaged, she replied and expressed that to you as she'd been stewing a bit.

I'd just reply "Yes I know, he does feel really bad that he forgot to let you know sooner. I hope he expressed that when you spoke. We were just so unwell that we kost track of the days. Thanks again for the food, it was very much appreciated"

No need to accept responsibility while he gets a soothing chat, but it's not clear that it was necessarily intended that way.

Teateaandmoretea · 07/12/2023 17:53

I would get DH to text her and apologise.

TempleMeads · 07/12/2023 17:54

‘Sorry, we’ve had an exhausting and worrying few days. We appreciated the dinner and DH thought you sounded fine when he spoke to you earlier so hadn’t realised you were upset.’

Haffdonga · 07/12/2023 17:54

But how do you know she means just you (singular) in her message and not you both (plural)? The message could equally well be meant for both of you. Why are you taking it as meant only for you?
And I don't think it's that entitled or manipulative (as some posters seem to think) for a family member to express annoyance that they'd shopped and cooked a meal for you when you could have cancelled well beforehand.

Nicole1111 · 07/12/2023 17:55

Getting your dh to message is a good idea but the petty cow in me would reply saying “dh doesn’t seem to have got this message too. Shall I forward it on?”

DoDoDoD · 07/12/2023 17:55

Clouddrifting · 07/12/2023 17:06

I’d reply- DH is ever so sorry- he was so busy looking after the kids & hasnt had much sleep either so he’s not at his best at the moment, he’ll do his best to remember if anything similar happens in future.’

chef's kiss - perfection

gotomomo · 07/12/2023 17:57

That's a polite response to say ok, these things happen but please don't do it again. Much easier by text than face to face plus I suspect she was stewing a bit between the phone call and text.

pictoosh · 07/12/2023 17:58

I would reply;

"I understand and I have forwarded your text to Simon. xx"

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 07/12/2023 17:59

Sorry, totally not the point of this thread but OMG dinner every Thursday would kill me. The children are tired and we’re all frazzled by Thursday and the last thing we’d want to do is host anyone or cook! Every other Sunday or something is lovely but my in-laws would not see the best side of any of us on a Thursday evening haha

comingintomyown · 07/12/2023 17:59

Let it go, some of the responses on here are extraordinary.
As you say you should have let her know it’s a bug not a hospital situation but it’s not the end of the world on either side.
I don’t know why so many people want to escalate stuff all the time,bit off of her to message like that but ignore it !

DaughterNo2 · 07/12/2023 18:03

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 17:26

@DaughterNo2 "I’d other DC had a vomiting bug the day before, why didn’t either of you let her know then🤷‍♀️
Don’t agree with her messaging you tho"

Quite. We should have done. We didn't because we genuinely forgot. It wasn't malicious but it was thoughtless, literally, we just didn't think about it until it was time to head out the door to go. I'm not annoyed that she's annoyed, she has every right to be. I'm just annoyed that she's only annoyed at me apparently.
But as others have said, she probably found it easier to convey her true feelings over text than over the phone.

That’s also why I said I don’t agree with her texting you!
Tho you texted her first I think, so… she’s probably vented on text rather than stating that on the call to her son.
Not right at all

Mamette · 07/12/2023 18:03

I’m usually with the majority but in this case I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong at all. I think both you and your H are responsible for the oversight. It’s hurtful for her, let her be hurt.

You apologised by text and she responded with her feelings. You are two adults who have a relationship, all other communication doesn’t go via your DH so why should this?

She would like to have known before she cooked, I think that’s completely fair enough.

Feelingfestivesnowyday · 07/12/2023 18:07

Mamette · 07/12/2023 18:03

I’m usually with the majority but in this case I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong at all. I think both you and your H are responsible for the oversight. It’s hurtful for her, let her be hurt.

You apologised by text and she responded with her feelings. You are two adults who have a relationship, all other communication doesn’t go via your DH so why should this?

She would like to have known before she cooked, I think that’s completely fair enough.

Hurtful, really?

Do people really feel hurt that their own child forgot dinner because their child was sick.

Vuurhoutjies · 07/12/2023 18:07

I think the message you're planning for your DH is perfect. Because yes, I completely understand this - why is she annoyed with you or even why does she feel she can tell you she's annoyed and not your DH. It's bloody irritating.

YourNameGoesHere · 07/12/2023 18:07

Mamette · 07/12/2023 18:03

I’m usually with the majority but in this case I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong at all. I think both you and your H are responsible for the oversight. It’s hurtful for her, let her be hurt.

You apologised by text and she responded with her feelings. You are two adults who have a relationship, all other communication doesn’t go via your DH so why should this?

She would like to have known before she cooked, I think that’s completely fair enough.

No one including the OP thinks the MIL is unreasonable to be slightly annoyed that she wasn't told they wouldn't be attending.

That doesn't excuse the fact she told her son everything was ok when he rang and yet saved the cross words solely for her text to the OP.

bellac11 · 07/12/2023 18:08

Mamette · 07/12/2023 18:03

I’m usually with the majority but in this case I don’t think your MIL has done anything wrong at all. I think both you and your H are responsible for the oversight. It’s hurtful for her, let her be hurt.

You apologised by text and she responded with her feelings. You are two adults who have a relationship, all other communication doesn’t go via your DH so why should this?

She would like to have known before she cooked, I think that’s completely fair enough.

Hurtful?

Gordon bennett, its a missed dinner/tea and the food got dropped round and not wasted (or could have gone in the freezer anyway)

No one has hurt her feelings for gods sake

bellac11 · 07/12/2023 18:09

Its a bit frustrating, nothing more, just one of those things

artimesiasfootsteps · 07/12/2023 18:10

I would have been pissssssssed off with that response. Clearly sees you as responsible for life admin, not her darling son.

@5128gap suggestion is the best one... "I'd get DH to message 'Are you OK mum? Your message to Cuddle seemed like you were annoyed with us? I said I thought you were fine when I spoke to you, so thought best to check'"

Then she knows texts to you are discussed and shared so she can't send bitchy comments to you.

I'd row back on those dinners anyway. Weekly, my heart tightens with stress reading that. That is way too often. Cheeky mare, you were doing dinners so she had regular access to her grandchildren and then she is rude and pissy, fuck that for a game of soldiers.

WimbyAce · 07/12/2023 18:11

So she's nice and brings food round and then follows up with a shitty text? Nah don't like this. Say at the time if you are annoyed, not further down the track.

SgtJuneAckland · 07/12/2023 18:11

message her saying we're both really sorry for forgetting to let you know the DC were ill thank you for dropping the food round it was delicious and really saved us a job when we're both exhausted. It subtly makes the point both of you forgot but also genuinely are appreciative

pictoosh · 07/12/2023 18:11

Yep agree. Her annoyance is understandable but making OP the sole recipient of it after cooing and never-minding to dh isn't. It's ok for OP to politely assert herself.

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