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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is angry at me for forgetting to cancel dinner rather than me and DH

171 replies

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 16:58

We alternate hosting dinner with in laws every Thursday. This week was her turn.
DD has been up all night with a vomiting bug just one day after our younger DD had had a vomiting bug also. DH and I have maybe had 3 hours of sleep between us for the past 2 days and are utterly exhausted. DH and I both work, I took yesterday off to be with the girls and he took the day off with them today.

Honestly, we both just forgot to let MIL know (frankly we both forgot it was even Thursday) and I'm not saying that's okay, it was a thoughtless oversight for which we're genuinely sorry.
When I got home from work we realised and DH rang his Mum to let her know. I heard the conversation and she was very understanding and as she'd already cooked very kindly stopped by and dropped the food in our porch. I text her to thank her separately and apologies again. She's text back:

"Well, it would have been nice if you'd called earlier, it would have been a shame to waste all this food and I'd preferred not to have to have bothered really. Let me know in future please."

Now, she's not necessarily being unreasonable for what she's said but why was she all understanding and loving with DH and lots of 'oh you poor things, you must all be shattered' etc. but then this with me? And it's not like she hasn't text DH as well to say, actually on reflection I'm mad at you, so it's only me she's sent this to.

Generally I get along very well with MIL so I'm a bit annoyed she's chosen to blame just me for this oversight rather than both of us.

AIBU or as I was the one not home with the girls all day I should have remembered and let her know so am the one she has a right to be annoyed with?

OP posts:
Wahtnow · 07/12/2023 17:24

StaunchMomma · 07/12/2023 17:21

'Thank you for bringing over the food. Very much appreciated. Apologies for the mix-up - it was an honest oversight on our parts, as (DH) has explained, due to a few really hard days. You clearly have some anger about the issue and I would prefer if you please speak to (DH) about this, please. As far as he is concerned, you are fine and have been very understanding about it. Please message him with your concerns or if you'd rather, I will forward him the message you sent to me. Thanks'.

Really really don't send that.

Either ignore it, or have a proper conversation about it next Thursday. Nothing emotionally charged is ever successfulky resolved by text

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/12/2023 17:26

Every thur is a bit much even for someone you love

I would want to say along the lines sorry you are annoyed with dh and I but we both forgot as so exhausted - hopefully if a next time he won't forget to tell you

Original poster
Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 17:26

@DaughterNo2 "I’d other DC had a vomiting bug the day before, why didn’t either of you let her know then🤷‍♀️
Don’t agree with her messaging you tho"

Quite. We should have done. We didn't because we genuinely forgot. It wasn't malicious but it was thoughtless, literally, we just didn't think about it until it was time to head out the door to go. I'm not annoyed that she's annoyed, she has every right to be. I'm just annoyed that she's only annoyed at me apparently.
But as others have said, she probably found it easier to convey her true feelings over text than over the phone.

OP posts:
MBappse · 07/12/2023 17:26

Agree with a PP.....don't try to be clever or passive aggressive or subtle in the response.

I feel its unfair that you reassured DH on the phone and have given me a hard time on the text. It is both our fault but you seem to be only blaming me.

therealcookiemonster · 07/12/2023 17:27

OP by now after marriage and kids you really need to know that it's your responsibility. all social commitments, whether he is wearing matching socks, it is ALL your responsibility. stop complaining and get on with it. you should be grateful, she would have been perfectly justified to call the police on you.

missushbbb · 07/12/2023 17:29

StaunchMomma · 07/12/2023 17:21

'Thank you for bringing over the food. Very much appreciated. Apologies for the mix-up - it was an honest oversight on our parts, as (DH) has explained, due to a few really hard days. You clearly have some anger about the issue and I would prefer if you please speak to (DH) about this, please. As far as he is concerned, you are fine and have been very understanding about it. Please message him with your concerns or if you'd rather, I will forward him the message you sent to me. Thanks'.

Yes. This is awful.

ChanelNo19EDT · 07/12/2023 17:29

It'd annoy me that you got the pissy text! I'd forward it to your H saying ''your mother is very annoyed!'' but say it cheerfully. Let him know you got a reprimand while he got his paw stroked. i bet you were doing most of the caring of your sick daughter as well.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 07/12/2023 17:29

Does her darling offspring do the shopping and cooking when it's your turn to host?

isittimetoflounceyet · 07/12/2023 17:30

I'd reply with "Well I was at work all day today, and it was your son who was at home with the dc, so I'll remind him to let you know next time".

MzHz · 07/12/2023 17:30

Send it to your dh and tell him to deal with it.

Dinner every week? Do you have nothing else to do? That sounds so suffocating

missushbbb · 07/12/2023 17:30

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 17:26

@DaughterNo2 "I’d other DC had a vomiting bug the day before, why didn’t either of you let her know then🤷‍♀️
Don’t agree with her messaging you tho"

Quite. We should have done. We didn't because we genuinely forgot. It wasn't malicious but it was thoughtless, literally, we just didn't think about it until it was time to head out the door to go. I'm not annoyed that she's annoyed, she has every right to be. I'm just annoyed that she's only annoyed at me apparently.
But as others have said, she probably found it easier to convey her true feelings over text than over the phone.

I'd try and forget about it. The every Thursday thing would annoy me but I know so families do this kinda thing (my DHs!). You must be exhausted too so everything seems worse!

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 07/12/2023 17:31

And also dinner EVERY week? Whose idea?!!

Viviennemary · 07/12/2023 17:31

No it isn't OK. You forgot and somehow its still the other persons fault. It wasn't. It was you and your husbands. You should be grovelling apologies it was both you and your DH's fault. Maybe its time to opt out of this arrangement.

Feelingfestivesnowyday · 07/12/2023 17:31

I've got a different pov on this. I think she's wrong to be annoyed. You were exhausted from having poorly dc, you forgot. She was able to drop food over. What's the problem?

If you genuinely lived and cared about someone this wouldn't bother you, if it really was a one off. I can't imagine ever feeling annoyed at my adult dc for a small mistake.

I'd be even more pissed off at the arsey text.

Depending on how well you value the relationship and what she's usually like is do one of 3 things.

A. Ignore it
B. Gently confront her and ask her why she was understanding towards dh but abrupt with you
C. Tell her not to worry as the Thursday meals won't be happening again now you all know where you stand.

5128gap · 07/12/2023 17:34

Id get DH to message 'Are you OK mum? Your message to Cuddle seemed like you were annoyed with us? I said I thought you were fine when I spoke to you, so thought best to check'

Feelingfestivesnowyday · 07/12/2023 17:36

Would all you lit really be angry with your adult dc if they forgot to cancel dinner under these circumstances?

Surely most people would be more than happy to drop the food to the porch.

Anele22 · 07/12/2023 17:38

It might not have been personal. She probably felt very sympathetic when first hearing about it but once she'd had time to reflect, felt put out. And you got the brunt of that because you texted her. Unfair but possibly not intended, especially if you have a good relationship generally.

harriethoyle · 07/12/2023 17:39

Yeah I love my mil but I'd respond with either of @Clouddrifting @IncompleteSenten suggestions. Rude to treat you like the social secretary 🙄

Original poster
Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 17:39

@5128gap "Id get DH to message 'Are you OK mum? Your message to Cuddle seemed like you were annoyed with us? I said I thought you were fine when I spoke to you, so thought best to check'"

I really like this, I think I'll go with this one, thank you.
DH has done nothing wrong in this (other than the equal share of not telling her). He does his fair share with the girls both overnight and during the day and he does actually do the cooking for our dinners as he gets home from work before I do normally. The Thursday dinners are as they only live around the corner and we genuinely do normally have a good relationship. It's not a 'formal' dinner, they just like to see the kids and given we're both so busy these days it seemed the most efficient way to make sure we see them regularly without it being too much of a chore on either side. The idea was that we just have for dinner what we would have anyway but make slightly more for each other. Maybe we do need to review with her though as if she's annoyed by the extra bother it's caused her that's obviously not how she's perceiving it anymore.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 07/12/2023 17:39

Id get DH to message 'Are you OK mum? Your message to Cuddle seemed like you were annoyed with us? I said I thought you were fine when I spoke to you, so thought best to check'

I like this ^ idea. Plus if you were at work all day and he was at home, surely he'd have more time to cancel so HE should be apologising more than you?

bellac11 · 07/12/2023 17:40

IncompleteSenten · 07/12/2023 17:06

I'd be petty as fuck and reply I've passed your message on to X to let him know you're disappointed neither of us contacted you earlier. Sorry again and we'll make sure to try to be more on top of things in future.

I would be ultra petty and change it to 'you're disappointed he didnt contact you earlier'

VanityDiesHard · 07/12/2023 17:41

YANBU and it would be the other way with my MIL, it would be my DH who would 100% get the row!

QueenBitch666 · 07/12/2023 17:41

Clouddrifting · 07/12/2023 17:06

I’d reply- DH is ever so sorry- he was so busy looking after the kids & hasnt had much sleep either so he’s not at his best at the moment, he’ll do his best to remember if anything similar happens in future.’

This 👏👏👏

Twiglets1 · 07/12/2023 17:43

Cheeky cow - I would have been livid with that response tbh.

It was a genuine oversight and completely understandable in the circumstances. I would be asking her dear son ( my husband) to phone her to say that message was not appreciated by either of you!

BreakfastClub80 · 07/12/2023 17:45

Depending on your MIL, are you sure she meant it personally or was the ‘you’ meaning both of you/one of you etc. I wouldn’t necessarily read that as meaning me rather than DH.

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