MIL is angry at me for forgetting to cancel dinner rather than me and DH

[Cuddleinacup]

We alternate hosting dinner with in laws every Thursday. This week was her turn.
DD has been up all night with a vomiting bug just one day after our younger DD had had a vomiting bug also. DH and I have maybe had 3 hours of sleep between us for the past 2 days and are utterly exhausted. DH and I both work, I took yesterday off to be with the girls and he took the day off with them today.

Honestly, we both just forgot to let MIL know (frankly we both forgot it was even Thursday) and I'm not saying that's okay, it was a thoughtless oversight for which we're genuinely sorry.
When I got home from work we realised and DH rang his Mum to let her know. I heard the conversation and she was very understanding and as she'd already cooked very kindly stopped by and dropped the food in our porch. I text her to thank her separately and apologies again. She's text back:

"Well, it would have been nice if you'd called earlier, it would have been a shame to waste all this food and I'd preferred not to have to have bothered really. Let me know in future please."

Now, she's not necessarily being unreasonable for what she's said but why was she all understanding and loving with DH and lots of 'oh you poor things, you must all be shattered' etc. but then this with me? And it's not like she hasn't text DH as well to say, actually on reflection I'm mad at you, so it's only me she's sent this to.

Generally I get along very well with MIL so I'm a bit annoyed she's chosen to blame just me for this oversight rather than both of us.

AIBU or as I was the one not home with the girls all day I should have remembered and let her know so am the one she has a right to be annoyed with?

"I know. Sorry again. Honest oversight when we were so tired. I'll let DH. Is every fortnight getting a bit much? Do you want to drop a week so it's less work?"

I like this approach

Lots of people advising the nuclear option, cut her out, stop the Thursday dinners etc. I wonder, do people really live like this (which might explain why so many people on MN appear to have poor social skills / difficulty making and keeping friends)?

I don't advocate for the nuclear option at all and am very much a supporter of MILs on Mumsnet, being well old enough to be one myself.

However, I don't think it's wrong at all for OP to question MIL's approach of chastising her by text and not the DH. So she should let MIL know she's clocked it. Otherwise it's just another case of nice women put up and shut up to keep the peace. As a feminist- well, just as a woman actually - I wouldn't and couldn't do that.

Several posters saying OP should apologise but how many apologies does one person need?

Her DH apologised and OP texted herself apologising again.

Why is a third apology necessary for MIL over what sounds like a one-off mistake?

Also, if they have such a good relationship and this was a one-off, why even send this text after OP thanked her and apologised.

You can be annoyed, people are annoying, but is it worth letting it go to retain the good relationship? A lot of posters suggestions are almost guaranteed to spoil things. Do you really want that going forward? I assume the weekly meet up is not that awful, or why are you doing it?

I would also be annoyed one of you hadn't told me when the first child went down with it (48 hr rule right?), let alone the second.

I would reply: "Preferred not to have helped out by dropping dinner by or preferred not to have cooked in the first place? We can drop the Thursday night dinners if you prefer?""

I'd text back with 'I completely agree, it was very rude of DH not to let you know and I have spoken to him about this. He seemed to think you wouldn't mind though so I'll be sure to show him your text '.

She replied to the thank you text rather than deliberately starting a conversation. I don’t see what’s wrong. You were impolite not cancelling and I can’t believe that it had not crossed your minds over 48 hours that you should let her know. I can’t believe some of these response suggestions. What nice people. It’s easy to make flippant comments. Maybe don’t choose that route. You were in the wrong. Own it. Hope everyone is feeling better now.

It would be interesting to hear an update on this as a few Thursdays have now passed but would you really write a stupid arsey reply to someone you have a good relationship with and possibly ruin that going forward

That's not normal is it ?

Well I guess she’s slaved away cooking and wouldn’t have had to if you’d have rang. I can see her point

@Cuddleinacup so how have the Thursday meals been ?

My MIL still woudl have cooked and would have wanted to drop it around without asking as she would want to help out and make sure we were all ok.

Did she even ask after the kids? Aside from the blatant sexism of pulling you up but not golden boy, the whole premise of her message is so alien to me.

If this happened in our family, the text from my mum would say "so sorry you're all poorly. Let me know what I can do to help. Washing? Shopping?". In the past she's dropped things off for the kids when they're poorly to cheer them up like books or little games etc. The absolute furthest thing from her mind would be annoyance about a weekly dinner. I can't imagine feeling any different as a grandparent/mother/MIL myself.

I'd just text "I'm not sure why you didn't mention that you were cross on the phone to DH and have reserved your annoyance solely for me. We just forgot. It's been a hellish 48 hours. Thanks for the dinner."

Well maybe she was feeling tired or having a bad day. Not everyone’s got the energy to cook for 6 every week. If I cooked it for no reason I’d be quite annoyed too.

Well that didn’t occur to the MIL!

That would wind me up so much I wouldn't be able to help myself replying along the lines of:-

"DH is so sorry he forgot to message you but he really wasn't feeling well at all, he will try harder if this ever happens again. Yes, we are feeling so much better now now though, thank you. DH will be in touch at some point to let you know his plans for next Thursday.

Having a bad day - Like OP and her DH were?

Would you seriously be annoyed with your family in this instance, rather than just feeling sorry for the kids and wondering how you could help? So glad my family aren't like this.

And OP and her DH do?

OP and her DH both apologised to MIL before MIL’s text. If it had been such an issue, she should have spoke up when she talked to her son, not put it in a text message to OP.

Would you require several apologies over a small, yet understandable mistake?

Well she only said that as OP texted her, it wasn’t like she sent that message out of the blue. Maybe on reflection after the phone call she was feeling a bit put out. Cut her some slack, it’s not as easy cooking for multiple people when older

I'd be grateful that people with vomiting kids stayed at home and didn't give it to me...

The food wasn't wasted, you got the meal.

What would annoy me most is that she didn't give you all the benefit of the doubt. You attend (I assume consistently) for a good while and one time you miss it and she comes down on you like a tonne of bricks.

DH has dealt with it, you shouldn’t have texted 🤷‍♀️