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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL is angry at me for forgetting to cancel dinner rather than me and DH

171 replies

Cuddleinacup · 07/12/2023 16:58

We alternate hosting dinner with in laws every Thursday. This week was her turn.
DD has been up all night with a vomiting bug just one day after our younger DD had had a vomiting bug also. DH and I have maybe had 3 hours of sleep between us for the past 2 days and are utterly exhausted. DH and I both work, I took yesterday off to be with the girls and he took the day off with them today.

Honestly, we both just forgot to let MIL know (frankly we both forgot it was even Thursday) and I'm not saying that's okay, it was a thoughtless oversight for which we're genuinely sorry.
When I got home from work we realised and DH rang his Mum to let her know. I heard the conversation and she was very understanding and as she'd already cooked very kindly stopped by and dropped the food in our porch. I text her to thank her separately and apologies again. She's text back:

"Well, it would have been nice if you'd called earlier, it would have been a shame to waste all this food and I'd preferred not to have to have bothered really. Let me know in future please."

Now, she's not necessarily being unreasonable for what she's said but why was she all understanding and loving with DH and lots of 'oh you poor things, you must all be shattered' etc. but then this with me? And it's not like she hasn't text DH as well to say, actually on reflection I'm mad at you, so it's only me she's sent this to.

Generally I get along very well with MIL so I'm a bit annoyed she's chosen to blame just me for this oversight rather than both of us.

AIBU or as I was the one not home with the girls all day I should have remembered and let her know so am the one she has a right to be annoyed with?

OP posts:
ThomasinaLivesHere · 07/12/2023 20:05

I think some people are just projecting their own issues with MILs to this. It’d be a good experiment to do a similar thread but have it as a friend and see if the responses are the same.

LimePi · 07/12/2023 20:18

Id let her know you passed this message to DH
Hate when woman gets the blame because organising is “woman’s job”
F that

MelsMoneyTree · 07/12/2023 20:30

Either she blames you more than DH. Or if you're the person who cooks at home (more than your DH does) she was just giving you more detail because she thought you'd appreciate the effort more than your DH.

IgnoranceNotOk · 07/12/2023 20:32

YANBU
I’d message back saying:

I’m so sorry we didn’t let you know earlier. I’ve been at work all day otherwise I might have remembered but we’ve both been sleep deprived and dealing with sick DDs. DH was off all day but I guess he just forgot.

just makes it clear that if anyone should have remembered it was him!

wronginalltherightways · 07/12/2023 20:33

I'd have texted back: 'So it's 'poor, poor DH' for what we've been dealing with, but 'rude, inconsiderate DIL' for not remembering to text you -DH's- mum about OUR status? I think we're going to cancel next week now, too, as I'm too cross to see you right now. consider this my text so nothing is wasted.'

2catsandhappy · 07/12/2023 20:33

I would text her with so much love and gratitude for the delicious dinner and how she was so thoughtful to go out of her way to bring it around when you and dh were on your knees, that she would feel a bit guilty for her snippy comment.

theconfidenceofwho · 07/12/2023 20:33

I'd go with @5128gap & get your DH to text her back and check she's ok as I think her message was out of order. You have poorly DCs and forgot to message, nothing malicious at all & something I'd expect a parent / grandparent to have a lot more empathy & concern for you all.

theconfidenceofwho · 07/12/2023 20:34

wronginalltherightways · 07/12/2023 20:33

I'd have texted back: 'So it's 'poor, poor DH' for what we've been dealing with, but 'rude, inconsiderate DIL' for not remembering to text you -DH's- mum about OUR status? I think we're going to cancel next week now, too, as I'm too cross to see you right now. consider this my text so nothing is wasted.'

Or do this and go nuclear Grin That'll teach her!

Motheranddaughter · 07/12/2023 20:45

I get on well with my In-laws
But I always pass them on to my DH for any discussion about arrangements of any kind

PerspiringElizabeth · 07/12/2023 20:52

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 07/12/2023 17:16

‘Oh - you sounded fine on the phone to DH? I’ll make sure to let him know you’ve expressed your annoyance to me, and that he really should communicate with you better in future. And he does have his phone on him so you can text him directly next time.’

This is basically word for word what I would come up with 😄

Crikeyisthatthetime · 07/12/2023 20:59

wronginalltherightways what a perfect user name, your nuclear option is strangely attractive 😁
Although in truth I'd probably go for what 2catsandhappy suggested, be super-grateful for the food, you've had SUCH an awful day, had to work all day after being up all night, she's Literally. Saved. Your. Lives. And you're so TERRIBLY sorry she was put out in any way, etc etc.
Kiss kiss.
That should make her squirm!

justasking111 · 07/12/2023 21:54

I'm sorry @Cuddleinacup it's miserable having two sick children and praying the grown ups don't get it. Your MIL is a bit thoughtless on this occasion

Elfontheshmelf · 07/12/2023 21:58

She probably automatically said ,"don't worry that's fine" sort of thing when dh cancelled and then thought about it for a bit and by the time you text she was annoyed. Could be wrong but that's what it sounds like to me.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2023 22:22

2catsandhappy · 07/12/2023 20:33

I would text her with so much love and gratitude for the delicious dinner and how she was so thoughtful to go out of her way to bring it around when you and dh were on your knees, that she would feel a bit guilty for her snippy comment.

Yes this. This isn't some bitch who's turned nasty to ruin your day
It's someone who loves you all and was a bit grumpy.

I'd go with some love bombing and subtle DHing.

I know Mary, we're both so sorry, Paul should have messaged when Iona was poorly two days ago but was so overwhelmed and then today I could barely think straight for vomit. You are a total lifesaver though for bringing us food, we're both very grateful and Paul promises next time he'll call and let you know. I'll get him to get some nice cake next week to thank you for the food tonight. Hope to see you soon xx

Teateaandmoretea · 08/12/2023 06:59

It just smacks of be rude to the woman though. That would annoy me. Yes it could be coincidence but it’s always that way round isn’t it?

In terms of the grovelling apology she may feel bad or the OP may look like a total doormat who tolerates any old shit with a smile.

I’d just not respond and get DH to call or message to apologise. That way it addresses the balance and makes the point without any arsey/ passive aggressive texts back.

Achildbelongstoitsmother · 08/12/2023 07:02

Of course its your fault. All of the surveys show women carry the mental load. when they fail in their leadership duties they must be scolded.

lemonsandlimesx · 08/12/2023 07:08

Just be petty af and reply saying maybe you should make it once a month instead of once a week to avoid this happening again....

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/12/2023 07:20

Just reply: I think you accidentally sent that text to me when you meant to send it to DH. Don't worry - I've forwarded it to him for you. See you when everyone's better!

user1471462634 · 08/12/2023 07:26

LindorDoubleChoc · Today 07:20

Just reply: I think you accidentally sent that text to me when you meant to send it to DH. Don't worry - I've forwarded it to him for you. See you when everyone's better!
**
Deffo this

NeedToChangeName · 08/12/2023 07:32

BreakfastClub80 · 07/12/2023 17:45

Depending on your MIL, are you sure she meant it personally or was the ‘you’ meaning both of you/one of you etc. I wouldn’t necessarily read that as meaning me rather than DH.

I thought this too

contactus · 08/12/2023 07:49

NeedToChangeName · 08/12/2023 07:32

I thought this too

Show quote history

me too

but it’s interesting (disturbing) to see so many mumsnet here ignore that the Op has an otherwise very good relationship with her MIL and immediately advise scorched earth

contactus · 08/12/2023 07:50

lemonsandlimesx · 08/12/2023 07:08

Just be petty af and reply saying maybe you should make it once a month instead of once a week to avoid this happening again....

years of a healthy and good relationship…. and you’d do this on one ambiguous text

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2023 07:57

Its just a short reply from someone who is a bit pissed off about having cooked dinner needlessly. She's only human.
Just apologise again and thank her for dropping dinner off

Hankunamatata · 08/12/2023 07:58

And I'd much rather have mil be honest than fake nice and bitch behind our backs.

Tacotortoise · 08/12/2023 08:01

bellac11 · 07/12/2023 18:08

Hurtful?

Gordon bennett, its a missed dinner/tea and the food got dropped round and not wasted (or could have gone in the freezer anyway)

No one has hurt her feelings for gods sake

Show quote history

Feeling taken for granted can be hurtful. Of course there were extenuating circumstances but the OP and her Dh were right to apologise and explain.

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