Not going to work party as DH can't come

[LimaLoo]

This year my office has changed up the Christmas party system.
There are about 60 of us at the London office all in, and usually each team plans its own night out or meal. This year they have decided we are having a "proper party" and rented a boat with drinks etc. It's next Thursday.
Each team is getting pizza in the office, and doing secret Santa exchanges then an early finish so people can come home and get ready, then the party on the boat, everyone has a +1, so I was taking my husband. However now my parents can't babysit so DH would have to stay home.
I'm now thinking, the pizza and secret Santa in the office is enough of a celebration for me, I don't want to be out until late with a lot of people I don't even really like or know, plus I have a 10am meeting on the Friday anyways.
I appreciate the social committee have put a lot of work into this but AIBU to say I don't want to go if DH isn't going to be there?

I understand, im 100% in favor of OP, i didnt mean it to come across as any different.
She wanted to attend with DP, Thats now not possible so she wants to stay home with DP.

No worries I meant to quote @ShirleyPhallus not you!

Im not dependant on my partner.
We each have friends thst we spend time with.
I was commenting on the replies that seem to indicate that a lot of MN users appear to dislike spending time with thrir partner.
Well I love my DP, hes there when im happy, mad, sad, annoyed, and he always will ne. Im not ashamed of loving him and enjoying his company.
I also love my true friends.
I enjoy spending time with them.

@Twinkletoes127

I was commenting on the replies that seem to indicate that a lot of MN users appear to dislike spending time with thrir partner.

Theres a serious lack of comprehension or critical thinking at play here. Again for clarification: I have seen literally no one saying they don’t like spending time with their partners.

A lot of people have expressed surprise at the idea that people cannot function in social situations without their partners being there.

These are two completely separate concepts, I don’t see why it’s so difficult to grasp this.

I mean, don’t go if you don’t want to but out of interest, what do you think the single people should do? Cancel all social events until they have an adult chaperone?

It’s interesting how many posters seem to equate love with codependency. I was the same once. I’m so glad I got help – my life and relationships are so much more fulfilling now.

Well seeing as they spent over two years bullying me so badly that I ended up with work-related depression and contemplated suicide due to their horrific abuse toward me, I think my feelings were perfectly justified. And yes, they did miss me, they then needed a new target to bully, and so started on my colleague, who I was, and still am close friends with. She ended up leaving soon after me due to the abuse that they then chose to direct to her, now that I had left.

Instead of giving people sarky comments, perhaps consider that there may well be a very good reason as to why they don't want to spend their unpaid-free time with work colleagues.

I'm baffled that you think being able to socialise without your partner, means you don't like them!

I'm baffled that you can't understand that being in a relationship doesn't mean you're joined at the hip.

Absolutely this. It’s been a genuine eye opener to me to see how many people feel they can’t deal with social activities without their husbands protection and hand holding. Almost as if they are children who need their parents with them at all times. Awful.

Well, I suppose it’s hardly surprising in that it’s another manifestation of the Mn misanthropy/withdrawal/social anxiety/shyness.

Definitely weird that you don’t like any of your colleagues, unless you work with the Borgias.

If you have a problem with everyone then likely the problem is you.

As evinced by your aggressive swearing.

Yes, they’e the same people who would be horrified at eating a meal in a restaurant alone or going to the cinema alone. Some have even said they can’t bear shopping alone.

I imagine the Borgias might have been quite fun on a night out, if you didn’t accept a drink from Lucretia or turn your back on any of them…

Nothing worse than a boat party as you cannot leave early!!! No way would I go
Just say your child is ill so you need/ want to stay at home.

@Clydagh

Well, I suppose it’s hardly surprising in that it’s another manifestation of the Mn misanthropy/withdrawal/social anxiety/shyness.

Yes absolutely: its part and parcel of this current epidemic of anxiety. You see thread after thread on here at the moment with people not only discussing openly but actively embracing their hatred and suspicion of other people.

But the element of not being able to function without your husband amplifies this massively and I think it makes this whole tendency far worse. "I can't deal with people, they scare and upset me and force me out of my biscuit-eating comfort zone. Thank God, my husband's here, he'll be my human shield."

What I find really bizarre is to understand how people with severe anxiety and low self esteem have managed to form intimate relationships in the first place? Surely finding and building a relationship with a husband is more emotionally challenging than chatting to a couple of people over a glass of wine on a boat?

Something about marrying/coupling up seems to shut down a lot of women's emotional and social capabilities for good. Very odd.

@Thepeopleversuswork this is a ridiculous take on what people are saying here.

I have my Xmas party tonight. I don’t want to go. I’m not “anxious” about going. I just know that going to hang out with work colleagues on my own is never going to be as fun as hanging out with DH and doing our Friday ritual. The Xmas party is a chore, and social obligation to be got through.

People that love the work Xmas party often don’t seem to get out very much, or can’t wait for an opportunity to escape the husband and kids. Time to “let loose” whereas I and others view it as a burden that is taking us away from the life we enjoy living for an evening.

It does SOUND wet to not want to go without DH but if the OP was looking forward to a child free evening with him, you can understand why going alone doesn’t have the same appeal.

@CateringPanic

I have my Xmas party tonight. I don’t want to go. I’m not “anxious” about going. I just know that going to hang out with work colleagues on my own is never going to be as fun as hanging out with DH and doing our Friday ritual. The Xmas party is a chore, and social obligation to be got through.

I find my Xmas party a PITA and a chore. Most people over the age of about 30 do. I have my party next week and its a ballache for me: it means arranging childcare, buying clothes I'll wear once and schlepping in and out of central London. That's showbiz. It's part of the social contract of society. A bit like tolerating a MIL you don't much like.

But we've just had pages and pages of people posting about the fact that they are anxious about or resent going to a social event without their DH. It's as if its a total zero sum game: its either spending all their free time with their DH (including being stuck together like limpets every time you leave the house) or it's going out to a Christmas party. As if the relationship will crumble because one or both parties has a night out for a Christmas party.

People seem to have this militant sense that they are entitled to say no to absolutely everything if it takes them away from their spouse for a couple of hours, as if this was a disgraceful intrusion on their liberty. I find it all quite disturbing.

It isn't forced fun it is optional events that enable people to enjoy themselves and enjoy some downtime with colleagues which improves morale etc at work.

The amount of stuff I go to depends on the type of event and my colleagues at the time. I'm currently part of a friendly and sociable team and don't live too ridiculously far from the office so I attend quite a lot of events but when I worked further away or knew less people I went to more.

It amazes me how many people dislike so many of their colleagues. They should change jobs, work is so much nicer when you like the people you work with!

It is forced fun when people don't want to go but feel they have to! How is being pushed into something you don't enjoy improving morale? We're having a team building day at some point next year, telling me I have to go paintballing or to Go Ape isn't going to do anything for morale apart from those who suggested it.

I genuinely like most of my colleagues and do socialise with some of them, doing things we want to do at a time that suits us.

I think the problem might be you. In 40 years of working you would've met hundreds of people so if you only liked a handful ... well, erm. Part of what makes a workplace a good place to work is people actually have some kind of relationship behind just transactional, of course you won't get along with everything but you should be able to tolerate, and in fact enjoy a once a year Christmas party. Sheesh.

You're at cross purposes.

Team building events on work time aren't the same as optional out of work social events which is what I was talking about.

Paintballing or go ape as a team event on work time sounds potentially exclusionary too.....

There's a difference between liking your colleagues as colleagues and liking them and wanting to socialise with them.

I've met my best friends through work but I've also met many people along the way who I like to work with but wouldn't socialise with.

And why should anyone 'be able to tolerate, and in fact enjoy a once a year Christmas party?' Surely it's personal preference? Our party is today, I'm on annual leave. It doesn't affect how I do my job whether I'm there or not.

Duplicate post, sorry

This is Mumsnet, where it seems to be the majority view.

Now, see, I think you're the weird one. Preferring someone's company isn't the same as being 'dependent' on them.