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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to work party as DH can't come

248 replies

LimaLoo · 06/12/2023 22:47

This year my office has changed up the Christmas party system.
There are about 60 of us at the London office all in, and usually each team plans its own night out or meal. This year they have decided we are having a "proper party" and rented a boat with drinks etc. It's next Thursday.
Each team is getting pizza in the office, and doing secret Santa exchanges then an early finish so people can come home and get ready, then the party on the boat, everyone has a +1, so I was taking my husband. However now my parents can't babysit so DH would have to stay home.
I'm now thinking, the pizza and secret Santa in the office is enough of a celebration for me, I don't want to be out until late with a lot of people I don't even really like or know, plus I have a 10am meeting on the Friday anyways.
I appreciate the social committee have put a lot of work into this but AIBU to say I don't want to go if DH isn't going to be there?

OP posts:
justjuggling · 07/12/2023 01:55

Go! I bet you’ll have fun and there will be many others without a +1 for various reasons - single, partner ill or away for work, or they just fancy a night doing their own thing.

Dig out the sequins, grab a glass of champagne and enjoy!

WandaWonder · 07/12/2023 02:01

SleepingBeautySnores · 07/12/2023 00:05

I'm amazed that so many of you think the OP is being a wuss if she choses to bow out because her DH can't go to the party with her. Maybe, like me and my DH, she actually likes him, and would enjoy the party much more if he were with her. I used to like my colleagues, (I'm no longer able to work) but given the choice, would far sooner spend an evening with my DH. Hence in the OP's shoes, I too would probably cancel.

I can imagine it reverse "John we are going to the pub do you want to come" "no sorry I can't my wife is not here and I can't go without her''

ok then

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 07/12/2023 02:12

You have totally forgotten that you are taking your three young foster brothers to their bio grandparents for an early Christmas and it absolutely cannot be rearranged.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 07/12/2023 02:19

Or a more simple excuse, like suddan nausea and migraine,.

meatbaseddessert · 07/12/2023 02:47

I've never heard of +1s for work Xmas events. I'd hate it. DH would hate it and everyone would have to spend all night making small talk with peoples other halves they don't know.

I can tolerate my work colleagues for a few hours of drinking but not their partners. Hell no. Far too much effort. Also so much effort ensuring DH isnt bored to tears.

That being said it is a little wet not going just because DH isn't. I'd be going out my way to save him from the trauma!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/12/2023 03:12

As someone who would cheerfully (and in fact did, this year) say thanks but no thanks to a works do because I dont fancy it, I wouldnt say "Oh I am not going to go as my husband cant come with me" I am afraid that I am on the side of "It sounds a bit wet".

How about "His parents have cancelled babysitting as they have come down with a bad cold and the last time that happened they were very poorly so we need to be available if they take a turn for the worst" or something like that. My parents are in robust health but the fact that I am my fathers official carer as he is deafblind comes in really handy sometimes! My father is well aware of this and approves by the way, he says he wishes he had had that excuse when he was still working! Honestly I am sure that some people at work think that he is a decrepit 100 year old with one foot in the grave!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/12/2023 03:17

SleepingBeautySnores · 07/12/2023 00:05

I'm amazed that so many of you think the OP is being a wuss if she choses to bow out because her DH can't go to the party with her. Maybe, like me and my DH, she actually likes him, and would enjoy the party much more if he were with her. I used to like my colleagues, (I'm no longer able to work) but given the choice, would far sooner spend an evening with my DH. Hence in the OP's shoes, I too would probably cancel.

Its not that I couldnt go without my partner, Iwould far rather go with him to a do like this than without and would probably not go. Its just that is sounds a bit drippy to say "Baby sitter cancelled and I dont want to go without my husband". So for office politics reasons I would (and as I said above, have) made an excuse about why neither of us could attend.

Justfinking · 07/12/2023 03:19

That sounds like so much fun, why do you need your DH to be there with you (I'd prefer to go on my own to a work thing anyway and hang out with the people I like)

MariaVT65 · 07/12/2023 03:20

Like others op, i’ve also never worked for a company where you’re allowed +1s at the xmas party. I have just always hung out with my team mates

momonpurpose · 07/12/2023 03:24

peachgreen · 06/12/2023 22:48

I mean, you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to go, but I’m not sure I would admit that you’re not going because your husband can’t come. It’s a bit wet.

Yes that's a pretty ridiculous reason to skip. Most businesses don't even offer a plus one

SD1978 · 07/12/2023 03:27

It's a bit codependent that you can not attend unless he does, but you dont have to say anything except I'm no longer able to attend.

hihihihihihihihihihi · 07/12/2023 03:32

Most work places don't include plus ones and I doubt everyone will have partner to bring. You do sound wet/clingy not to go but it's up to you. I wouldn't class a 10am meeting as that early!

Rightsraptor · 07/12/2023 03:45

I can't imagine a worse location for a party than a boat: how do you slope off when you've had enough of it all? You can't, you're stuck there until someone else decides you can go.

I wouldn't go on those grounds alone.

RealBigBarbie · 07/12/2023 04:38

Quite like that we don't get a plus 1 to my Xmas party. Means we actually socialise with work mates.

Same:)

PieAndLattes · 07/12/2023 04:38

Don’t say you can’t go because your husband can’t go. It makes you sound a bit pathetic.

Mikimoto · 07/12/2023 04:39

I'm not going if you're not going!

Is it the school disco all over again?!

Olika · 07/12/2023 05:12

If you don't want to go then don't go.

shearwater2 · 07/12/2023 05:21

If you can't get another babysitter, I would try to find out whether most people are bringing their other half.

I wouldn't want to go on my own if nearly everyone else is in a couple. I've been to work parties with +1s and everyone I worked with had a +1, there was no-one on their own.

It's much more normal to have colleagues only parties, because it's vastly cheaper and easier- and of course I am happy to go to these on my own. Am going to one today! But it would be a weird dynamic to be the only one in your team there without a partner.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2023 05:25

Are you allowed out without your husband? Seriously you sound about 12. Agree with others that whatever you do don’t use this as an excuse not t go. It makes you sound like a child.

SnowyPetals · 07/12/2023 05:36

I agree with PP that not going because DH can't go is a bit drippy. Is he usually with you at work? But if you don't want to go, just melt away during the gap between office and party. That's always a mistake on the part of office party organisers in my opinion. The lull is the perfect opportunity for people to drop off on the night, and in my experience plenty do.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 07/12/2023 05:40

If you don't want to go then don't go, but "my husband can't go so I'm not coming" is a bit pathetic so I wouldn't say that out loud.

Shoxfordian · 07/12/2023 05:47

Go without him and talk to some new people
Don't cancel, makes you seem pathetic

Elderflower14 · 07/12/2023 05:50

shearwater2 · 07/12/2023 05:21

If you can't get another babysitter, I would try to find out whether most people are bringing their other half.

I wouldn't want to go on my own if nearly everyone else is in a couple. I've been to work parties with +1s and everyone I worked with had a +1, there was no-one on their own.

It's much more normal to have colleagues only parties, because it's vastly cheaper and easier- and of course I am happy to go to these on my own. Am going to one today! But it would be a weird dynamic to be the only one in your team there without a partner.

Edited

Absolutely this!!

BeautyFromBad · 07/12/2023 05:51

It’s absolutely fine to just say, “I can’t make it.”

HealthAnxietyGoAway · 07/12/2023 06:14

I wouldn't be going either in your shoes but as others have said I would make up a different excuse as it sounds a bit wet.

For me I'm socially awkward so would definitely struggle without DH there if everyone else has a +1, it would be a nightmare! And I don't really like going out anyway, so it would be a no brained turning it down.