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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to work party as DH can't come

248 replies

LimaLoo · 06/12/2023 22:47

This year my office has changed up the Christmas party system.
There are about 60 of us at the London office all in, and usually each team plans its own night out or meal. This year they have decided we are having a "proper party" and rented a boat with drinks etc. It's next Thursday.
Each team is getting pizza in the office, and doing secret Santa exchanges then an early finish so people can come home and get ready, then the party on the boat, everyone has a +1, so I was taking my husband. However now my parents can't babysit so DH would have to stay home.
I'm now thinking, the pizza and secret Santa in the office is enough of a celebration for me, I don't want to be out until late with a lot of people I don't even really like or know, plus I have a 10am meeting on the Friday anyways.
I appreciate the social committee have put a lot of work into this but AIBU to say I don't want to go if DH isn't going to be there?

OP posts:
MsRosley · 07/12/2023 08:24

Newestname002 · 07/12/2023 00:22

@LimaLoo

In the same situation, what would your husband do? 🌹

Shall we lay bets on it? I reckon there's good odds on he'd obviously go on his own.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 07/12/2023 08:27

Just get a babysitter

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2023 08:28

Completely valid if that’s how you feel. For the love of all things good though, don’t say it’s because your DH can’t go, with the implication being you somehow can’t function without him at events.

To be honest, I find it a bit baffling as I have never, in several decades of marriage, had a Xmas party, or any work function, where partners are invited. It’s normally really awkward for partners as they only know you, so it limits your ability to mingle as they are pretty much like a barnacle. Then they are invariably bored as work often turns to shop or stuff about people they don’t understand so they stand there looking interested and polite but silently wishing death would strike them. I would never go to a work do for DH either for that very reason, we only ever go out together either in our own or with mutual friends (non-work).

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2023 08:29

Plus the bonus is the other half is a ready made babysitter at home 😁.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/12/2023 08:32

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 22:53

Don't overthink it, the social committee won't even notice you leaving. If you genuinely aren't having fun then get your coat and go. You never know, you might enjoy yourself.

Swim to shore?

Alondra · 07/12/2023 08:35

It's up to you if you want to go or not. It's a Christmas' work party, not an important meeting you have to attend.

I've been to work parties on my own, I have taken DH as a + one mostly because they were so boring I wanted to have someone fun with me, I have made my apologies and not attend....it really is up to you.

The last Christmas party I went to was before COVID. I hate talking shop, the food is mediocre and, frankly, I see most of my colleagues every day and I'm not interested in partying with them.

You have the perfect excuse "sorry guys, I don't have childcare available, have fun".

Do what you want to do.

AgnesX · 07/12/2023 08:36

If I went home to get ready I'd not go back out again but then I'm old 😄

I do wonder if they'll lose some attendees because of the break though, London can mean many things distance wise - unless it's a predominantly young business though.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 07/12/2023 08:37

If you aren't going please decline properly rather than just not turning up. Your social committee have worked hard to plan this and get a decent budget, give them notice so they can adjust the numbers or fill the space.

A couple of my friends are on the social committee and it is awful when they are expecting 50 people and only 20 turn up. It also causes loads of food waste.

I think you are being wet to refuse to go, either get a babysitter or go alone, but if you really don't want to go have the decency to decline with notice.

Schoolrunmumbun · 07/12/2023 08:37

YABU.

YA also BU to say "changed up" and "anyways" instead of changed and anyway.

MargotBamborough · 07/12/2023 08:39

I've never had a work Christmas event where plus ones were included.

How many of your colleagues have children? I'm willing to bet that quite a few of them won't bring their partners either.

I would still go to the party.

BrimfulOfMash · 07/12/2023 08:44

Going Home after work and coming back in again, in London, train strike season, transport rammed with late night shoppers …. Shudder. And a risky plan when so many people comments for an hour. I would attend the party but would change at work and go for a few drinks beforehand with all the others who don’t want to schlepp home and back, 2 hours on public transport.

ShirleyPhallus · 07/12/2023 08:47

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2023 08:28

Completely valid if that’s how you feel. For the love of all things good though, don’t say it’s because your DH can’t go, with the implication being you somehow can’t function without him at events.

To be honest, I find it a bit baffling as I have never, in several decades of marriage, had a Xmas party, or any work function, where partners are invited. It’s normally really awkward for partners as they only know you, so it limits your ability to mingle as they are pretty much like a barnacle. Then they are invariably bored as work often turns to shop or stuff about people they don’t understand so they stand there looking interested and polite but silently wishing death would strike them. I would never go to a work do for DH either for that very reason, we only ever go out together either in our own or with mutual friends (non-work).

I find your attitude a bit unusual tbh, my husband is good friends with some of his colleagues, and i am with mine, so for us it’s a lovely opportunity to meet those people. We certainly don’t act like a barnacle to the other person but we chat to other people there, colleagues, friends, their plus ones etc

Its really nice as then when he said “i had lunch with bob from accounts” i know who that is

Livelovebehappy · 07/12/2023 08:47

WandaWonder · 06/12/2023 23:17

So you as a grown up need to have you DH with you or you can't go to an event? seriously?

Op has said she doesn’t like or know a lot of the people there. It’s ok if you’re a social butterfly and feel comfortable attaching yourself to a few couples, but a lot of people, me included, would feel awkward attending something on their own. OP, with that many people going, I would just not go. They’re hardly going to notice you’re not there. If it’s mentioned when you go into work the next day, just say your babysitter let you down, and it was too short notice to get a replacement. In the nicest possible way, people won’t care.

TheOGCCL · 07/12/2023 08:48

It’s kind of unclear exactly what your reason is for not wanting to go, the early meeting, not wanting to socialise with these particular colleagues, or the fact your DH will be at home.

No one has to go to a Christmas social event but it could be a good opportunity to get to know people if you feel you don’t already and if everyone else has a plus 1 people would make an effort to talk to you.

Personally I think it’s a good idea to maintain social skills and confidence in this sort of situation as without being too morbid, we are all ultimately alone and often people get more lonely later in life if they have led their whole lives revolved around one other person and they aren’t there anymore.

It all sounds a right faff though, having to go home and come out again, surely there’ll be plenty of people with long commutes where that isn’t even viable.

SecondUsername4me · 07/12/2023 08:51

I don't want to be out until late with a lot of people I don't even really like or know, plus I have a 10am meeting on the Friday anyways

But both of these would have been the case if your dh was there too.

Do you honestly not have some people, even in your direct team, that you like and know?

I never bring dh to works drinks. Who wants to babysit their dh when you can watch Janice from accounts take in her 10th tequila rose and try to pole dance round the coat stands?

DreamingofGinoclock · 07/12/2023 08:53

I get the impression the OP would be happy to go if it was just for employees...i.e. everyone there "on their own" , but I can see it being a bit daunting if you are the only one going without a plus one as that is a totally different dynamic

Isometimeswonder · 07/12/2023 08:54

Oh dear, are you one of those people that comes in a pair?
Your employer sounds very generous. I think you should go and enjoy it.

Flamango · 07/12/2023 08:58

I hate parties on boats, because you’re trapped. It’s horrible. I wouldn’t be going for that reason. And normally I’d say do the pizza etc but just don’t go back but are they going to be holding the boat for you?
I think I’d do the pizza, say to everyone see you later can’t wait then text the organiser something plausible when you get home.

gannett · 07/12/2023 09:02

I'm not a fan of mandatory socialising with colleagues or considering them friends but even I would happily go to this. There's really no one you like enough to socialise with for one evening among SIXTY people? If that was the case I'd be rethinking my job.

However ultimately you can decide to sack off whatever social event you want. Don't say it's because you can't cope without your husband though, people will think you're a bit pathetic. Hundreds of better excuses. (And don't just sneak off, if it's all booked up for a certain number you need to tell the organiser in advance.)

dottiedodah · 07/12/2023 09:07

Can you not get a paid babysitter? Then hub can come .If not maybe see if a friend would want to come .Surely not everyone is married/ settled and will be bringing their partners ? Up to you really

Twiglets1 · 07/12/2023 09:07

I think public sector Christmas Dos are better @CateringPanic

You're paying for yourself so no one invites their partner (at least where I worked) and if you don't want to go you just say it's too expensive for you this year.

It means you only have to chat to work friends not random people like other peoples spouses you've never met ( I hate small talk).

Topseyt123 · 07/12/2023 09:10

I am not a party animal. I just don't like them so for that reason I would politely decline the invitation.

I must admit that when my children were born the "no babysitter" excuse came in incredibly useful. Even on the very odd occasion when either set of grandparents might have been visiting I still used it.

I wouldn't want to say that I couldn't go because DH wasn't going even though that might have been true.

In my experience it has never been a regular thing to invite a +1 to work Christmas parties anyway, so your office is quite unusual there.

MargotBamborough · 07/12/2023 09:12

DreamingofGinoclock · 07/12/2023 08:53

I get the impression the OP would be happy to go if it was just for employees...i.e. everyone there "on their own" , but I can see it being a bit daunting if you are the only one going without a plus one as that is a totally different dynamic

The OP won't be the only person going without a plus one. I can't imagine most people's partners are fussed about attending, or willing to pay for a babysitter if they have kids.

tachycardigan · 07/12/2023 09:12

Just blame it on childcare issues. They don't need to know DH will be home.

ButterCupPie · 07/12/2023 09:25

peachgreen · 06/12/2023 22:48

I mean, you don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to go, but I’m not sure I would admit that you’re not going because your husband can’t come. It’s a bit wet.

I think it's fine for her to not go for that reason. Not 'wet' at all.