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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not going to work party as DH can't come

248 replies

LimaLoo · 06/12/2023 22:47

This year my office has changed up the Christmas party system.
There are about 60 of us at the London office all in, and usually each team plans its own night out or meal. This year they have decided we are having a "proper party" and rented a boat with drinks etc. It's next Thursday.
Each team is getting pizza in the office, and doing secret Santa exchanges then an early finish so people can come home and get ready, then the party on the boat, everyone has a +1, so I was taking my husband. However now my parents can't babysit so DH would have to stay home.
I'm now thinking, the pizza and secret Santa in the office is enough of a celebration for me, I don't want to be out until late with a lot of people I don't even really like or know, plus I have a 10am meeting on the Friday anyways.
I appreciate the social committee have put a lot of work into this but AIBU to say I don't want to go if DH isn't going to be there?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 08/12/2023 10:24

Preferring someone's company doesn't require you to limit your social interactions.
It's not all or nothing.
I prefer the company of my husband but thoroughly enjoy an evening out without him. I am sure he feels the same.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/12/2023 10:24

@ButterCupPie

This is Mumsnet, where it seems to be the majority view.

I don't know how many times this needs to be spelled out: its basic comprehension. Enjoying going out occasionally without your partner does not mean you dislike your patner.

Plenty of people are perfectly capable of having a fulfilling, loving relationship with someone and also enjoying spending time apart from them and socialising without them. These two things are not mutually exclusive.

Why do people think having a loving relationship with someone precludes you from ever going out anywhere with anyone else? It's completely illogical....

Vonesk · 08/12/2023 11:27

I was in a similar situation.
Just do the daytime thing and just not make it to the evening thing.
In the evening everyone will be drunk so the sky's the limit.
If you feel you must go, then go.
Try to mingle around.
Go to bathroom a couple of times.
Then after going to bathroom on one occasion tell one person youre feeling ill and disappear. Early.

Beachywave · 08/12/2023 11:29

I recently organised our work Christmas party (about 30 of us) and five people cancelled on the night and I found it so disrespectful to our owner who paid for everyone. I’m sure he was pissed off about it as well.

Whathappenedtomyvag · 08/12/2023 11:36

Not read the full traul but my tip is as follows:

My strategy for events like this if I need to be seen from a political/leadership/engagement perspective is go early, say hello to loads of people. Air kiss the shit out of everyone, and then silently slip away by 8pm.... most people are too pissed to realise you left and everyone remembers seeing you. Then if anyone asks claim you got cornered by some weirdo from Finance talking about their cat, and that you are not even sure they work for the firm because you've never seen them in the office before. Works every time.

AddieLoggins2 · 08/12/2023 12:22

Whathappenedtomyvag · 08/12/2023 11:36

Not read the full traul but my tip is as follows:

My strategy for events like this if I need to be seen from a political/leadership/engagement perspective is go early, say hello to loads of people. Air kiss the shit out of everyone, and then silently slip away by 8pm.... most people are too pissed to realise you left and everyone remembers seeing you. Then if anyone asks claim you got cornered by some weirdo from Finance talking about their cat, and that you are not even sure they work for the firm because you've never seen them in the office before. Works every time.

It's a good strategy generally.
But the OP's party is on a boat. People might notice her leaving when she dives off the side and they watch her swim away 

CateringPanic · 08/12/2023 12:39

I really don’t think this issue is about liking or not liking your colleagues - it’s about the fact that if organisations want you to socialise then they need to arrange for you to do it on company time. What’s wrong with a nice lunch and everyone go home early?

LlynTegid · 08/12/2023 12:46

@Beachywave I agree with you about short notice cancellations, hence my view the OP should say so now about not being there in the evening.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 08/12/2023 13:31

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 08/12/2023 09:50

You're at cross purposes.

Team building events on work time aren't the same as optional out of work social events which is what I was talking about.

Paintballing or go ape as a team event on work time sounds potentially exclusionary too.....

Show quote history

Our Christmas party is also now on work time as no one wanted to go in the evening hence me booking annual leave! In my defence I needed a break because work is pushing me to breaking point and the Christmas party would have tipped me over.

I agree about the team building ideas being exclusionary. There are others but people seem to want 'high energy'. It suits me as I won't be able to do it at the moment so I'm keeping quiet!

tachycardigan · 08/12/2023 13:38

Twinkletoes127 · 07/12/2023 14:01

Im baffled by the amount of people who clearly dislike their partners

Edited

Being able to socialise without your partner doesn't mean you dislike your partner.

I'm baffled you need that explained.

LindorDoubleChoc · 08/12/2023 13:54

Do partners really want to go to works Christmas parties? I can't think of anything worse than going to DH's work party. I've never once met any of his colleagues! God no.

gamerchick · 08/12/2023 13:55

ButterCupPie · 08/12/2023 10:16

Now, see, I think you're the weird one. Preferring someone's company isn't the same as being 'dependent' on them.

Show quote history

I dunno, some of the stuff that's been posted on this thread is side eye territory like....

It's healthy and perfectly ok to want to socialise without your partner. It's nothing to do with not liking them. However, if you have a large smattering of co dependency going on, it might be tricky to see that....

Twinkletoes127 · 08/12/2023 14:07

gamerchick · 08/12/2023 13:55

I dunno, some of the stuff that's been posted on this thread is side eye territory like....

It's healthy and perfectly ok to want to socialise without your partner. It's nothing to do with not liking them. However, if you have a large smattering of co dependency going on, it might be tricky to see that....

Edited
Show quote history

So it seems, people who like and choose to spend time with their partners are co dependent, even though in my case at least they have no history of co-dependance. In fact in my case im fiercely independant. My partner is also independant. We both spend time with friends seperatley but are both older and have seen and done a lot, and we now usually choose to spend time together in the first instance.
If you feel its healthy to spend time going out without your partner then thats ok for you.

toomuchfaff · 08/12/2023 14:08

if you don't want to go, don't go. No one will notice you're not there, but not going because your partner cant go is a bit ick... are you joined at the hip? Do you go everywhere together? Do you have work colleagues you get along with well? Surely there are people you like at this event? If no - then don't go, no big deal, don't overthink it.

If i were going to cancel I'd focus on the let down by the sitter being the excuse vs the husband not being able to go.

Twinkletoes127 · 08/12/2023 14:11

Behindyouiam · 07/12/2023 23:34

I'm baffled that you think being able to socialise without your partner, means you don't like them!

I'm baffled that you can't understand that being in a relationship doesn't mean you're joined at the hip.

Show quote history

You dont have to be joined at the hip to enjoy your partners company.
I socialise without my partner and i love the bones of him, which is the opposite of not liking him.
Did you maybe misunderstand my post?
It was the amount of people wanting "to get away" or "have a break" tjat i was refering to

LIZS · 08/12/2023 14:15

Up to you. Never been to a works do with other halves myself.

cockadoodledandy · 09/12/2023 11:37

Oh god, who wants their OH at a work party anyway?

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/12/2023 12:22

cockadoodledandy · Today 11:37

Oh god, who wants their OH at a work party anyway”

I would. He’s far nicer and much more interesting than anyone I worked with.

Eskimal · 11/12/2023 13:38

Out of 60 people you don’t really like or know any of them?
I understand your position as you don’t want to be the only one without a +1. You’ll feel awkward if everyone else has a +1.
but I think you need to find out who else is in your position - you won’t be the only one and if there are enough people with a +1 then you need to go and you need to get to know and like some people.
you’ve got to be able to make a friend out of your entire workplace of 60, otherwise you might want to consider getting an assessment for a nuero-diverse condition.

HelenTherese2 · 11/12/2023 18:09

The best thing about my works Xmas dos is that I don’t get to bring him.

Work is when I’m myself and not part of a couple. It’s great!

Flopsyj · 11/12/2023 18:16

I rarely go to a Xmas party. None of the places I’ve worked ever offer a plus one (including the current one where we both work but for different departments) that’s one of the reasons I don’t go. Why do I want to spend time with people o spend 5-6 days a week with??! I’d rather spend it with my husband

sophiasnail · 11/12/2023 19:26

You don't say how old you are (and it shouldn't really matter!) but once I hit 40 I stopped caring what anyone thinks. If you don't want to go to a boat party then just say you are looking forward to the office bit but a boat party isn't your thing.

Behindyouiam · 11/12/2023 19:31

HelenTherese2 · 11/12/2023 18:09

The best thing about my works Xmas dos is that I don’t get to bring him.

Work is when I’m myself and not part of a couple. It’s great!

I'm not fussed on taking DH to a works party, but you're really yourself at work and not with your partner?

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