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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not going to work party as DH can't come

248 replies

LimaLoo · 06/12/2023 22:47

This year my office has changed up the Christmas party system.
There are about 60 of us at the London office all in, and usually each team plans its own night out or meal. This year they have decided we are having a "proper party" and rented a boat with drinks etc. It's next Thursday.
Each team is getting pizza in the office, and doing secret Santa exchanges then an early finish so people can come home and get ready, then the party on the boat, everyone has a +1, so I was taking my husband. However now my parents can't babysit so DH would have to stay home.
I'm now thinking, the pizza and secret Santa in the office is enough of a celebration for me, I don't want to be out until late with a lot of people I don't even really like or know, plus I have a 10am meeting on the Friday anyways.
I appreciate the social committee have put a lot of work into this but AIBU to say I don't want to go if DH isn't going to be there?

OP posts:

icelollycraving · 07/12/2023 07:16

Just say dh is working away and you have no childcare.

Womencanlift · 07/12/2023 07:16

Very unusual to have a +1 to a Christmas party and I doubt my DP would want to come to mine and I wouldn’t want to go to his

Another who thinks it’s a bit codependent to say you won’t go if your husband can’t. If you really must drop out then don’t say that to work as there will be people who judge that

msmatcha · 07/12/2023 07:18

It's much easier to go to a work do on your own. Otherwise you will be looking after your DH, introducing him. This way you can chat to who you want and leave whenever you want. Just go for an hour and see. You'll regret not going.

Twiglets1 · 07/12/2023 07:18

I always think it’s a bit pathetic when couples are attached to the hip and I’ve been married for 30 years (maybe because I’ve been married for 30 years). It’s good to be independent (imo).

Still, if you don’t want to go you don’t want to go. I would just make up a different reason like not feeling great that evening.

Nicole1111 · 07/12/2023 07:20

Presumably you manage without your husband coming to work with you? If so I’d reconsider using your husband not coming as a reason. If you simply don’t fancy it say you’re coming down with something on the day.

LlynTegid · 07/12/2023 07:21

Politely decline today. No need to explain in detail why.

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/12/2023 07:26

I though involving your partner in work social events was just a mad old fashioned American thing - work family days and the staple of fifties sitcoms - the boss comes for dinner)

I would never go to my partners work do and vice versa - it would be weird.

Canisaysomething · 07/12/2023 07:27

It’s pretty lame if a member of staff declines an invite to a Xmas party without a good reason. As a manager I’d think your excuse was very lame.

HorseBlue · 07/12/2023 07:38

Is it a boat so you can't leave early if you want to? I wouldn't go either. Maybe use children as excuse rather than husband

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 07/12/2023 07:41

Well, the obvious answers are find another babysitter or go on your own, but you can say no to any social event, unless you are based in North Korea.

KarmaisYOURboyfriend · 07/12/2023 07:44

Ginmonkeyagain · 07/12/2023 07:26

I though involving your partner in work social events was just a mad old fashioned American thing - work family days and the staple of fifties sitcoms - the boss comes for dinner)

I would never go to my partners work do and vice versa - it would be weird.

What?!

There's so many varieties of events but it's not weird at all.

At my DH, it's definitely partners too and it's lovely - there's a real family feel and the partners get to know everyone too.

But for mine, it's a posh lunch with just my team...if DH rocked up for that it would be weird.

But to say a blanket it's weird is...also weird.

MumblesParty · 07/12/2023 07:45

A boat party is my idea of hell, because you can’t leave when you want to.
If it were me, and I felt I needed an excuse to leave after the pizza, I’d say that the kids were ill and I didn’t want to leave my husband alone too long with 2 poorly kids, or put myself in a position where I couldn’t leave if needed (ie on a boat)

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2023 07:47

SleepingBeautySnores · 07/12/2023 00:05

I'm amazed that so many of you think the OP is being a wuss if she choses to bow out because her DH can't go to the party with her. Maybe, like me and my DH, she actually likes him, and would enjoy the party much more if he were with her. I used to like my colleagues, (I'm no longer able to work) but given the choice, would far sooner spend an evening with my DH. Hence in the OP's shoes, I too would probably cancel.

Good Lord. No wonder so many people are crippled with anxiety if no one can go anywhere without their spouse holding their hands.

Most people like their spouses or partners, or they wouldn't be with them. But the idea that you can't socialise without them is quite worrying and I'm quite shocked that adult women still think like this. Relationships where adults can't function socially without the other partner are very unhealthy. Everyone needs their own identity and space.

Sorry but yes choosing not to go to a party because your husband can't go with you in this day and age is pathetic.

starfishmummy · 07/12/2023 07:48

Clydagh · 06/12/2023 23:01

Having a +1 for a work Christmas party is quite unusual — ate you saying you never go to work events unless your DH can attend too?

I agree. I'm now retired so that's been a lot of work Christmas parties and there's never been one with partners.

fuzzyduck1 · 07/12/2023 07:50

Tell them your car broke down on the way.
or you got stuck behind a slow moving llama 🦙
tripped over a crocodile 🐊
and just don’t go.

GodDammitCecil · 07/12/2023 07:51

SleepingBeautySnores · 07/12/2023 00:05

I like my husband, he’s one of my favourite people! But we’re not joined at the hip.

It is totally teenage to pull out of an event because you can’t attend without him. Absolutely cringe.

We spend a load of time together already, what with living under the same roof.

It’s nice doing things with other people, as well. That is a normal, functioning adult, well-founded non-needy way to behave.

RampantIvy · 07/12/2023 07:52

I'd hate the party cos being on a boat makes me seasick.

Even on the Thames @TimeForTeaAndG ?
I went to quite a few disco boat functions back in the 1970s and it never felt like we were on a boat.

FrenchandSaunders · 07/12/2023 07:53

I wouldn’t want DH at my Xmas do! Never heard of +1s at a work event.

Office parties can be awkward but there must be a couple of people you get on with and can have a few bevvies with.

fuzzyduck1 · 07/12/2023 07:56

Thepeopleversuswork · Today 07:47
I
Most people like their spouses or partners, or they wouldn't be with them. But the idea that you can't socialise without them is quite worrying and I'm quite shocked that adult women still think like this. Relationships where adults can't function socially without the other partner are very unhealthy. Everyone needs their own identity and space.

Sorry but yes choosing not to go to a party because your husband can't go with you in this day and age is pathetic

Going to a party where you’re on your own and everyone else has a +1 isn’t much fun. If the whole party was just work colleagues it would be different.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/12/2023 08:02

@fuzzyduck1

Going to a party where you’re on your own and everyone else has a +1 isn’t much fun. If the whole party was just work colleagues it would be different.

Sorry this is part of being an adult. You can’t expect always to choose who is with you in any given situation. Life is full of scenarios where you have to learn to run along with others you may not have chosen.

If you can’t function properly in a social situation without having your partner with you how do you expect to navigate much more challenging situations?

This outlook breeds horrific dependency.

topnoddy · 07/12/2023 08:04

Sounds like more forced festive fun to me

RedxRobin · 07/12/2023 08:04

Urgh - i have a colleague who won't go to work events unless her DH is invited. I actually find it incredibly wet & a bit unprofessional. As a grown adult it shouldn't be so difficult to socialise with colleagues for a couple of hours.

RabbitsRock · 07/12/2023 08:06

I think I would go - as a pp posted, we don’t get anything from our company. Pretty miserable really when the owner is a billionaire!

CateringPanic · 07/12/2023 08:18

It IS a bit pathetic to say you don’t want to go without your DH. Me and mine both have Xmas parties about 4 doors down from each other tomorrow night and tbh neither of us want to go - we have so much more fun together than with anyone else and work Xmas parties are always a lot of effort.

However we are going because we said we would and, having organised events before, it is really disheartening when people don’t come - it makes you question why you even bother

Of course in the case of a work Xmas party I do often wonder why people bother, does anyone really enjoy them? Especially public sector when you have to pay for yourself and I can think of a million other preferable things to spend money on this time of year!

Bumcake · 07/12/2023 08:23

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 22:53

Don't overthink it, the social committee won't even notice you leaving. If you genuinely aren't having fun then get your coat and go. You never know, you might enjoy yourself.

Are you suggesting she swims off the boat?

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