To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

[Notoldeeally]

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .

Just tell them that you’re worn out and need a few days of doing nothing at all between Christmas and New Year. Say she is welcome to visit for both but needs to go home in the middle.

Or she comes to you for Christmas, and you go to her for New Year. (with a gap in between)

Or if you don’t really want to discuss it with her, could you book her & her dp a couple of days mini-break somewhere as part of their Christmas gift?

Great idea re mini break.
she says things like we are family .. you shan't be tired its just us . But its hard with partners .. but must admit wd want a break anyway if he wasn't there too .

Yes book them a mini break or yourselves so they can only stay so long.
There must be lots to do in a seaside town even in winter. Our nearest big town is a seaside town and has a couple of theatres, cinema, museum and art gallery. All are open at various times during the Christmas break. So some could these be family activities

You could just go into town for a coffee on your own or go and hide in the library for half a day here and there for some peace.

If a mini break is a bit much organise a day out and a few evening outings (cinema, a restaurant booking) for your DD and her partner so you get a break

You could even offer them a lift so they can have a drink etc - making it a treat for them

My advice is to think about you want. Then tell them!

So text or email something like "we are getting on a bit now and find a long stay from guests rather exhausting. We would love you to come and stay from the 23rd to the 29th and then we can really look forward to it. I am sorry you won't be here for new year's eve but we will really need to rest by then - maybe you can start making some new New Year's Eve traditions in Liverpool." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx etc etc

I know she thinks of your house as her home but frankly, it no longer is! How old is she?

Great ideas but we are on a limited budget so on second thought s a mini break may not be possible . Good idea though.

when we have tried to organise a treat for them in the past to get a break .. its sort of caused offence .. like dont you want to come ..dont u want family time… etc

Chamomileteaplease great idea .. think we just needed’ permission ‘ to think that way . ! Will write down some dates . just know it will cause offence but maybe its time to set some boundaries. Thanks .

How old is DD?

Do what my mum does - she just says she's too old or like to remind us she's "getting on a bit you know"

Dd is 24

Dd sees us a ls younger than we are i think.. i dont blame her , she is young and. Has no idea bout being 60plus .

@Notoldeeally I hope it helps. Also, this is the joy of texts and emails! She can read it, hopefully have a bit of a moan to someone, who will tell her she is being daft, and reply to you politely! Sometimes adult kids need a bit of a wake-up call. I think as long as she feels welcome for a certain amount of time, surely that's fair enough 😃.

She is very very welcome . Its just wen its too long or open ended .

It's so nice she wants to spend time with you!
I understand about the partner bit, you sort of have to be on your best behaviour all the time and organising fun things! We've experienced this.
Honestly we're a few years on and often now they can't come at all (on a holiday, with partner family, etc etc) and I miss it but I would also find 10 days too long! Maybe negotiate some down time when they go out for a walk (or you do) or a drink on their own.

fourelementary
its not just the lenght of time .. its the fact that she wants to do something most minutes of the day and night .
for eg i try to keep fit by doing a small amount of cardio a day . No more than 15 mins .. she even sits with me while I do it . It feels too much . We are all different.
i was trying to get a balance that suits us all!!

I can see both sides. I think you need to say you're going away for year if you really don't want to see them for that long. I will be thrilled if my boys want to come home when they're older though as I do t think they will 😩

People have different energy levels. I know sixty year olds that make a sloth look swift, and eighty year olds that are bloody exhausting.

It also sounds like you and DH, op, are the 'hosts', and therefore, doing the lion's share of planning, prepping, and hosting?

DD is not a child, she can be told that she can be responsible for x and y, and that on these days, these nights, it is time for people to rest and relax in their way, whether that is a game or a film, or whether that's resting with a magazine in one hand, their earpods in, and a baileys in the other.

Home is where you are welcome to be you. Whether that's the parents or the kids. Home is not where you get to regress to being a child and expect Mummy and Daddy to spoonfeed you all day long.

mbosnz thats great .. the sentence relax in own way.
Great way of putting it . And if we could do that ten days wd be fine.
i will put that to her .
the thing is , up until now , my dh and I who are introverts.. have tried to do it her way( ds v flexible) and we get realky tired doing things like games everyday. Id love to be in her company but with a book n headphones sometimes .

Oh god. You're 60s not 80s! Get a grip

She's your daughter. How is it so difficult to have her in your house?

I really hope my daughter wants to hang around me when she's 24

The house will be so quiet when she's gone

I think it's a shame that you don't feel able to welcome your dc and their partners. You're not that old, and you're retired- it's not like you have to go back to work exhausted!

I do agree with pp who said make them responsible for stuff though so you share the planning and prep load - perhaps they could cook for you some nights? Take an evening each to plan an activity? If I was your daughter I'd feel very sad if you sent me the dates I could come.

You've mentioned having to be 'always on'

• is it that exhausting watching a movie together? Perhaps you could set up a shared schedule in advance so you know when you're getting your downtime and agree with pp could you give dc and their partners eg a panto trip, cinema trip, ice skating or all of the above, that they could go out and do together so you get some time to relax!

And. Yes .. we are sewn as the hosts.. its ten days of cooking good meals .. we cant afford to go out much . When we go out for coffees dd and partner just sit there .. its a clear expectation that we pay so we have to limit it to coffees out .
we buy fish and chips most times and for 6 that comes to 60 quid , that and buying for 6 instead of 2 for ten days has an impact and is probably why we get a bit home focussed re meal s .

Wow I would be devastated if I read this from my mum. I hope so much that my kids want to be around me this much at 24! I thought you were all much older from the initial post.

Maybe she has an anxious attachment style. I won't speculate as to what might have caused such a thing.

Just to be clear .. I absolutely welcome both dc and partner s .. but not for ten days in a small house when i cook everyday .
sorry but its too much for some others too.
reducing the time wd make us enjoy it more .

My partner and I are 67 and 65. We're retired but still very active with voluntary work, regular gym, a lively dog who gets 3 walks a day.

We don't have kids but have had friends and family to stay regularly over the years. All of a sudden, we find hosting is much more tiring than it used to be.

Those saying "It's your DC, be grateful she wants to spend time with you" - read what the OP has said about their daughter's expectations and demands.

OhNoForever i read your comment about anxious attachment.. and yr reference to non speculation as were it may have come from in dd .. having a dig ? I am fully aware of attachment’ theory…. Just sat what yiu mean .