To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

[Notoldeeally]

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .

I think you're being a bit nasty, tbh.

Partners complicate things. It's one thing having your kids back home - and I can say from experience, that's an adjustment too!! - but having virtual strangers in your house for that long, isn't easy!

DH and I are also 60. Two of our three children lived away from home for an aggregate of 4 years each, but for various reasons, they moved home, and omg, much as we adore them and they us, it was a huge adjustment!

@Notoldeeally I hope you have a close enough relationship with your children to be frank with them. I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

I'd go away too if the alternative was to have to host a rude, greedy, stingy git like him for the holidays.

I'd suggest you uninvite the boyfriend, but I know you are too nice to do that.

I really hope your daughter sees the light about him soon. Hard to believe that after four years she still puts up with him.

I will also them to be tidy. Dd washes up . Bf does nothing .!eg leaves yogurt pots on counter. If she is daft enough to do it ! I know he is tidy at home.

Next year, I would announce that you are going away for the entire Christmas holiday and they will need to make other arrangements - but not go anywhere.

They are behaving like a pair of freeloaders. Don't be a doormat.

I’m sorry to say it but your dd and her boyfriend are both rude, greedy and cheap.

you and your oh are allowing it though, so there’s only one way to sort it out…..and that’s to develop a backbone and put down some proper boundaries. It’s of no consequence that it wouldn’t bother other posters. It bothers YOU and that matters. Stand up for yourself

guineverehadgreeneyes oart of me would but our ds would then be affected . 😒

I know .. its just so not us that i find it really hard to deal with .

This is super weird: I stay at my mum's every three weeks, ISH, for two-three days, but I contribute to the top up shops, help cook at least one meal and make tea/empty the dishwasher/etc. For Xmas, my brother is doing the puddings, we are doing last minute bits and some alcohol, I think I'm doing a ham too. We also try to let everyone have about an hour of off time a day (I visit with my kids, so they always need watching). Also, my parents are in control of the remote!

I think you got off to the wrong start both on this thread and your communication to DD about being 'older now' and 'tired'. It sounds much more like you've got an introvert/extrovert mismatch and that you've compromised your introvert tendencies for DD previously when a child/young person. Now you don't want to do much. Plus the added cheeky fuckerness of the expectation you pay for it all.
Maybe start a conversation along the lines of "DD you must see that you are more extroverted and dad and I more introverted, we need quiet time and you want more interaction. How do we both get a bit of what we need when we are altogether? Oh and btw you and bf are checkout fuckers when it comes to offering to pay so shape up in that"
you definitely need to use your words and communicate more assertively and clearly

This really. I don't think you have a hope of changing their behaviour.

So , email both your children.
They are welcome from x - y dates only.
Last year was expensive and exhausting. You expect some space to yourselves daily, help with meals and if staying longer than eg 3 days; you expect that they will pay for and prepare several meals.

God alive - assuming this is all true, which seems unfeasible, WOMAN UP, OP!!

Don't tell her you’re worried about your energy levels. Tell her that they were both rude last year, and you have no intention of repeating the exercise this year.

They are welcome to come for the number of days that you invite them for - which will not be 10 - and during that time they are expected to muck in physically and financially.

Ok so I think you need to be straight with her here, please or offend. The fact is that her idea of a lovely ten days together is doing everything her way and her and her bf regressing to being children and being waited on hand and foot - it doesn't work that way. I would honestly email her and say 'we would love to have you but ten days of guests is just too much for us so we are offering six' - don't even give them the option of staying longer. When she says 'dont you want family time?' you can say absolutely you do, but it's not just family time, it's external visitors too in the form of the partners and that's just too much for you all. Secondly, I would say that you are retired now and you don't have the income to support them all for the duration of their visit so you all need to club together for meals etc - that is only fair and if she gets stroppy then let her. If she gets arsey that you want time to yourself then again, let her! You need to set some boundaries in your own home, she's 24 not 12, perfectly capable of understanding.

OPs daughter sounds very full on and demanding of time and attention. That can be very tiring - and boring.

OP tell your dd straight up, about the partner, the constant organising, the length of time, none of it suits you and you don't want to spend your time doing stuff to appease daughter.

Next year book a cruise.

I have a large family, we are late fifties, and dc are young adults. When they bring partners and bfs home over Christmas, we all write down the name of a dish from a different country that we have visited that year, or want to visit next year, or picked out randomly, and put in to a jar, and whichever couple pick it out blindfolded, has to buy the ingredients and cook it over the next few days. And everyone takes turns. (Of course we the parents provide Christmas Eve dinner, a three course Christmas lunch, and a Boxing Day buffet plus all alcohol, cake, cheese, chocs, fruit, endless coffees and cooked breakfasts etc.)

The advantage of this system is that:

(a) everyone takes turns shopping, cooking and cleaning up.

(b) many dishes chosen tend to be vegetarian so costs are kept low

(c) it’s fun!

I came in here initially thinking YWBU. But the more I read the more cross I’m getting. Not so much about the constant activities but the sheer cheek of them, particularly the BF. I think I’d be sending a message to both children as then you aren’t picking on them.

“So this year we are changing things. We are finding the cost of living crisis affecting us and our income. So we would like you all to contribute X amount per person towards food and drink, and each cook at least one meal of your choosing whilst staying, or take us out for a meal. In addition we would like to schedule a couple of doing nothing evenings so we can relax. You’d be welcome to go out yourselves or play a game but we won’t be joining in.”

we regularly have both DS and DD with their other halves staying over Christmas and are similar ages to you, but they all take turns to cook and often pay when we go out too.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

Ds not like this at all laid back , happy to have lomg baths , takes self off for a walk , doesnt mind if i go off with dh for half hour .. its dd that seems so cross if we dont move as a herd all the time ; unless she wants time w bf .

Some fab solutions and ideas!
i would rather manage it because i dont want to book a cruise;( which can t afford anyway) and ds is the most chilled of guests .

You need to say to your DD that she is being a demanding small child in expecting to be waited on hand and foot, to never pay for anything and to always be entertained. Did you explain to her as she grew up that these were childish behaviours? Your DS got the memo and seems to act like a grown up, so why doesn't she?

My DS1 would love all the attention all the time - he is 13 - but is told fairly regularly that he is being demanding and needs to chill/back off. He seems to have taken this on board tbf. Your DD might if you give it a try but she might be surprised by the message given how old she is. DS1 took it as us saying that we'd never enjoyed having to constantly attend to him, which tbf was true (he was exhausting). We explained many times that we didn't dislike him but the need for constant entertainment, and he sort of got it.

OP have they confirmed attendance this year?

Why can't you just communicate with your daughter?

My mum would just say, can't wait for christmas love but 10 days with your fella as well is a bit long.

Or if we stayed 10 days. Do us a favour and cook tea tonight, thanks. Or whatever other help she wanted.

If it was just my own dc it wd be easier to manage .. its the partners too i realise its harder work than when it s just own kids .

Flamingogirl08 because you probably accept what she said . Dd gets quite angry and annoyed .. even within seconds of arrival . !

I think that’s a bit harsh. They are YOUNG. They have time to improve with guidance and more assertive communication from op.

I had a situation once where we were very clear with family staying over Christmas and we rolled out the red carpet for them but we made it clear that my dh needed a rest over NY (he was working 60 hr weeks at the time in a very demanding job) and it was understood that they were going to leave the morning of the 28th and they just didn’t leave. It was really awkward. We had to book them a hotel down the road in the end and even then they kept popping in for meals. It really put a damper on the visit. Personally I would never impose myself on someone else for longer than three days and that includes close family. People who don’t host do not realise the effort that goes in to it.

Moonshine5 they have said they are coming . I asked dd is she fancies hosting this year .. she said no .. we live in a seaside town .. she said she wants to be near the sea .
they have not confirmed plan s / how long.. last year they did same and drifted into staying longer .. this is why i need to set boundaries. If it wasn't for partner s as well id be less worried and wdnt need this thread.

Omg. He took your food home with him? What a cf he is...

Be upfront. "We'd like to know how long you're staying so we can meal plan. Also, last year cost us a fortune so we're going to give all visitors a list thus year"

Most visitors bring gifts... food/wine/a dish/chessboard box of.biscuits etc For 10 days they get involved in planning. She should be asking you, what can we bring? We'll cook on the Monday, what would you like?

This is astounding. No wonder you don't want them for 10 days.