To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

[Notoldeeally]

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .

Your DD wants to be a child and looked after and paid for but unlike a child she has a hungry, scrounging boyfriend and doesn't go to bed at 8 o'clock. If she was a child you would presumably be happier at setting rules. You are tiptoeing around, worried about upsetting her but you need to be firmer. Definitely, adult children visiting should be organising some meals - shopping and preparing (if they can't/wont cook they can get in takeaway). If you go to the pub, sit with empty glasses and say "It's your round" - these are adults who don't get away with this kind of freeloading amongst their friends. Don't make fancy dinners every time you're cooking - family can eat beans on toast if that's what you usually have on Fridays. I'm afraid your only choices are a repeat of last Christmas or setting some boundaries.

Buy cheap coffee and tea, value biscuits and cheap supermarket bread, jam and cheese. Try and cook enough meals to last for a few days, stews with lentils and lots of root veg. Just say you're economising but keep some nice biscuits or chocs in your room so you can have a treat. Set up a little drunks trolley in your bedroom. Explain before they arrive that you're having to tighten your belts this year due to COL - it's real! Get a couple of heated throws and do not put the heating for more than a couple of hours a day.

You and your OH are still young so you might have many more years of this and the time to stop it is now! Write a list of all the things as you've written above in Bullet point format with action to be taken, eg no outings or pub visits which you'll inevitably have to pay for. If all else fails arrange to go and stay with them and behave the same way!

Enjoy the time you have together and stop bloody moaning. Some people would delete live to see their grown up children for weeks at a time, partners or not. Get off your lazy arses and get festive. You don’t know what next year will bring

OP's 24-year-old daughter is behaving more like a 10-year-old, demanding constant attention and entertainment, and doesn’t want to let OP alone for a second. She gets angry if even gently challenged. Her boyfriend eats (expensively) everything put in front of him, raids the fridge to boot, and then won’t even buy a drink in the pub. Neither of them does housework to help out apart from a bit of washing-up or contributes anything to the cost of feeding a couple in the way of Christmas food and drink for days at a time when the cost of living is painful…..and OP can’t plan for the length of stay as DD refuses to say! In short, they are terrible, inconsiderate guests.

These are all things OP has told us. How could ANYONE think this is OK, even if it is their own child?

GabriellaMontez i did ask last year about lenght of stay but they were vauge .. so I said exactly that .. I need to know for meal planning.. but she just said .. oh we can go to the shops if we need top ups .. she really would not be pinned down .. so this year I must .

I don’t understand the partner bit. Surely he’s family and you can relax around him as much as your DD?

Blueberrycreampie great idea s but our ds here too and he will bring stuff and why shd he have to have a cold house etc .. thats what gets me !

I would include him in the memo so the ask is clear and DD won't perceive it as favouritism and be a complete pain. Give him a call before you send it to say that it is not directed at him. He grew up with your DD, I doubt it will have escaped him. He's probably having a bath to avoid the board games 😂

It's odd that she needs to be entertained at all times. If she feels 'at home', surely she should do what she would have when she lived there, i.e. watch TV, read, or whatever she likes doing.

I couldn't deal with the pressure of having to entertain someone for that long. I'm always welcome at my mum's but when I go, it is literally like I'm back at home, not a guest, and your daughter should behave as such.

I do think it makes sense now, to say you need to spend some of this time with your partner's family and friends. I am aware you said he has lost one parent, but surely there must be others in the family ? If my brother or sister passed away, I'd 100% be inviting my nieces and nephews to spend time with us over Christmas. What about siblings? What about long standing family friends ?
If you don't sort it out now, then they presumably will presume this is going to be the pattern always.

All that said, I can't imagine ever not welcoming my dc home at Christmas. I am just a tad younger than you and have 3 dc in their 20s. One lives with us at the moment, and one is coming home for about 10 days at Christmas this year and I'm really looking forward to it, as she had to go back to work over New Year last year.

But they cook. They shop (for what they cook).

Then they go out with each other sometimes, with cousins sometimes, and then they arrange to hook up with all their friends who they don't get to see that much whilst they are away (different friends, so a few different occasions). If anything, it is difficult to tie them down to spend time with them.

Why is your dd relying on you for entertainment all the time ?

ManchesterLu she has always wanted company . For eg as a child she did not like watching tv by herself for a while while i cooked dinner. She would rather sit next to me . Her bf has said when she sits in the garden at her house she wants him to sit with her and that sometimes it s too much and that he has to gar space but that she takes it as a slight.

Definitely a good idea to write one group message to DD, DS and their partners. You can set out the dates that you are prepared to host and include a list of what to bring, suggest they divvy it up between them and ask them to agree on some meal planning/prepping days in advance too so they can bring the ingredients and know who is in charge of what.

Don't ask, tell, gently but firmly. Tell them that you and their dad are looking forward to you all having a relaxing Christmas break together and thank them in advance for each doing their part to make that happen. Then withdraw from the conversation. If you're drawn back in keep repeating that they run their own households so you trust them to manage this.

His remaning parent and him do not realky get on . They go away . He is an only child . Must admit I was shocked that his parent leaves him ar christmas but there may be a backstory.

You can sit together reading your books/watching a film - that would be fairly restful?

And get some downtime while she and her bf cook dinner for you all at least once!

UsingChangeofName relying on us as we moved areas when we retired. So when they come here there are no local mates are all. We are their social group .

I do feel four hours travelling time is a bit much to up sticks and return a few days later - not to mention the petrol or travelling costs. My own DS and his family are around 5-6 hours away so there is no way I would do this to them - but they do contribute by cooking meals, making coffee, playing games, visiting his sibling and her family, shopping, taking a turn at getting the coffees/drinks in - they have a small baby now so won't be travelling this year anyway. So as PP have said you need to woman up and discuss with DH what you would both like to happen and then present this to your ACs and their partners.
I totally understand the limited income we have been in the same position but your ACs are aware of their own living costs so should at the very least handover their shopping budget for the 10 days that they are with you or cook a couple of meals each. If you are out for a coffee buy your own and leave it at that. If they don't buy one they go without!! Likewise a drink!! You can cook cheap meals with lentils and Jacket potatoes with a veggie chilli - if DDs BF is not happy - tough!! He's a guest - put up or shut up!! And if he leaves a yoghurt pot on the side - call him back and let him know that the spoon is washed up and the pot goes in the bin - in other words tidy up your own mess or dump it in their room - he should get the message then!!
Christmas Dinner is pretty much a Sunday roast with some extra bits tossed in if you like them and is not an invitation for DHs BF to hoover up leftover drinks and food which you may want for Boxing Day.
Your DD sounds a little bit like the Duracell bunny - needing to be doing something - so set her on cleaning the bathroom, making mince pies or simply doing prep towards the next meal. You and DH just need to carry on in your own sweet way and not be chivvied into doing things you would rather not do. Make a list of daily jobs and bits'n'pieces towards towards Christmas and let people know that they are expected to do their bit daily!!!
So lay the ground rules and have a lovely chilled Christmas with your book, headphones and glass of wine!!

I'd be tempted to say "Oh course we'd love you to visit but just to let you we'll be forced to have a more modest Christmas this year due to our financial situation" Then cut right back, only have what your planning to eat that day in the fridge, no treats. If they ask to go for coffee, say you can't afford it, same with pub. Supermarket own products, keep asking them to turn the heating down due to the cost whilst looking anxious. Keep food high carb low protein. It won't help initially with the constantly needing to be entertained but hopefully they'll get the idea and either pay for extras or at least get fed up and leave before New Year!

I haven't read the full thread but oh my god.

I'm in my 30s and I couldn't cope with my family visiting for 10 days over Christmas. I love spending time with my family but 10 days hosting is too much. She is an adult now and it's your home. She shouldn't be expecting to treat the place the same as when she lived there. No clear plan and an open ended visit would drive me mad. Also it sounds like there's little appreciation for your efforts and providing all the food. I understand if they don't have the money to take you up for a slap up meal but not even buying a round of drinks or a coffee as a token of thanks is just absolutely selfish

Constantly being nagged to do activities together would completely wear me down. Maybe because I am an introvert too, but I really like relaxing with my family, not the intensity of lots of activities and games all day every day. It's too much. I've always been like this. A few games, lots of time spent chatting especially at meal times, but with quiet time in between to recharge. Even as a child I always had my nose in a book and wanted my own space.

If you're anything like me it's nothing to do with your age, although you can use that as an excuse. It's not what you want. Why should you not be allowed to state your own preferences and come to a compromise with your family? 6 days is still a lot of quality time.

Please dont take any of the judgementy guilt flung at you on board. I didnt read a word you said as grudged,unwelcome,etc. Its pretty entitled for 2 couples /all 4 extra adults to stay 10 solid days ,expect "hosted" and entertained and not even realise they are crossing the line n actually imposing,or at least draining your energy and resources. id like to think my mum would just tell me. (she would n believe me,shes brutal.lol)
Its pretty awful they dont take share of "treats"food shopping or spends. even if your kids dont realise thats taking you for granted-their partners surely must?
Could you perhaps sugest shakin things up this year. is accomodtion their end possible(or cheaper air b/b)so you all can be together...?
spendin quality time together is not feeling underpressure and strained.do not feel bad.

You sound scared of her.
I agree with you, ten days is too long under these circumstances. You’re not bring precious or lazy, some people are so bloody rude, it is hard even if they are family, both of my girls and their partners have moved back in with us at various times for different reasons, and as much as we love them all it hard. And they were nothing like your DD. They bought their own food and shared the cooking, if we all went out they bought us a meal.

This year you’ve got to get cracking with boundaries, you haven’t got much time to set this in motion so you need to start tomorrow. I’d start with the food and catering. Blame the cost of living crisis, you can’t afford to be so generous as in the past, you’re on a limited budget, ask them how much are they going to contribute towards food, any food her partner wants he pays for it or brings it with him. A kitty is a good idea for coffee, snacks etc. If they won’t chip in then they pay for themselves. Ask for separate bills at the till.
It really is time to put your foot down. and the next time she moans about the food in the fridge tell her she knows where the shops are and not to forget her purse.
Inagree, ten days

@Notoldeeally I have three older sons. I don't think there is anything wrong with laying out your expectations and putting your boundaries in.
Email...
Need to know when your coming as dad and I want to plan or we have a few things on.

Next say we have decided to do things a bit differently this year and what meals do you fancy cooking? If you want to do an internet shop in advance it will need booking.

Carve up Xmas day: starter/ main/ pudding. Who fancies doing what?

Don't feel like you need to entertain. You can say no and if she sulks then is the time to put the headphone in.

I do think this is a discussion worth having now. Get it out in the open for all your sakes.

Make sure Ds is included too.... then she won't feel singled out and don't accept vague ' we can sort it out when we get there' type responses: how you deal with it this year will shape the rest!

I would find this utterly suffocating. Ten days is a long time to host adult children and partners. Especially as your daughter sounds so clingy.
Maybe it's because l have sons who happily do their own thing, whilst l happily do mine, Xmas is no different really to rest of year, chilled and relaxed.

He took your food home with him? That is really shocking. I think you need to clarify things before they visit again.

You need to set some boundaries. This will be easier as you have time to send an email in advance making things clear.

All meals are not provided by you and DH. If they are guests they should be bringing food special treats drink, etc for the celebration with them. You state you will cook Christmas Day, cold buffet or left overs Boxing Day. Other days it’s initially what’s in the fridge or what they’ve brought and take it in turns to cook. Then when it runs out (don’t get too much in) whoever’s turn it is has to go to the shops, buy ingredients and cook. Will also mean daughter and partner have to go out and give you some peace every other day and your day you get to go out and buy ingredients. If they don’t want to cook on their day they have to plan and PAY for a takeaway, pub lunch etc. That’s their day to pay for not yours.

oh and breakfasts and lunches everyone helps themself too and replaces what they eat or drink.

Some days are downtime, personally I’d make it every other day. So those days it’s a lay in, quiet day at home doing separate hobbies maybe just plan to have a hot choc and a mince pie all together mid afternoon or something. So they are free to do what they want and then a bit of time with you two. The way I’d personally do it is set up an activity jar in advance with activities written on paper inside. Each time your daughter ‘has’ to do an activity one gets picked out. But put ones in there that are quiet and relaxing activities like a walk, watching a film together, a board game or cards, a pamper evening that sort of thing. And it’s only one activity per day.

Plus also set things up so if she’s bored and it’s a small house there are things to do together or separately. So Christmas jigsaws, start one before arrival so that’s something all doing together but also separately. Have a pile of Christmas books and magazines out to read on the side or reference/hobby style books (secondhand from the charity shops and a massive pile of library books so no cost), set up the radio somewhere quieter away from the tv and mark in the radio times or tv magazine the things you or husband are planning on listening or watching, they can do the same so then it’s known in advance you are doing that alone at that time, put some puzzle crossword books, pens, cards and games somewhere else on the side. All these sorts of things.

Also if you and your husband have hobbies mark them on the calendar that you are doing that at that time away from the house, or in the garden.

If it really gets too much say you are going for a walk or drive alone or go and run a bath or have a nap.

Hope all of that helps….also say in advance in email the dates you can do so say arrive Christmas Eve can stay 7 days, that sort of thing.

I think that's what you should do next Christmas.

Also just seen bf does nothing! How utterly rude!

That’s easy to fix though one day out of the week it’s men only cooking the meals ,washing up etc all day and another day you and your daughter. That also means that’s one days activity covered as the activity is cooking a meal with her mum and washing up.