To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

[Notoldeeally]

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .

Christ,,how rude are you,, ..
How do you know that the OP doesn't have health issues,?
Telling her to get off her lazy arse and stop moaning,,,,you're one cf

I think it a bit much telling the OP she cannot be tired by 10 days of visits when they are clear that it is too much for them.

OP: personally, I'd pick one thing or the other to focus on. Either don't worry about the 10 days or don't worry about the acitivities. I tend to think focussing on the latter may take care of the former.

It's OK to say "you do what you like today, I am too tired to do much and will be having a quiet one" and stick to it. Your DD can organise herself and partner, you sit and read or whatever.

It'll be hard at first, but just be calm and firm and let her 'get used' to the idea you are not a one-stop entertainment centre.

She may get bored and cut the visit short

It seems like your daughter wants entertainment almost 24 hours, As well as all the cooki g, no wonder you're exhausted by it all.

I think it's lovely she wants to spend time with you and do things with you. I would just enjoy it while you can. At 24 she is very young still and of course she will see your house as her home. But that won't last forever in a few years time you will.feel.sad that she doesn't want to come for Christmas.
Ten days isn't long really when she has gone you can go back to your routine.
Maybe she is worried that you are getting old and that makes her more likely to want to prove you aren't by suggesting games etc in the evening.

OneMiniMincePieTooFar thanks .. so I could just sit near her wirh my head phones in and read.? She would probably sit nextnto
me and do the same. But i wd be chilling .
I just know that she would say yiuve had a rest now why cant we .. but I think ia need. To be able to choose sometimes. And feel ok about it . I love seeing her but i feel like i am on an activity boot camp sometimes .. what are we doing next / this eve / tomorrow.. plan plan .. i hope for balance - and with it wd love the visit !

I think if you explain that you and DH are used to a quiet life now that everyone has moved out you find planning things all day long to be too much.

We do fall into our routines as we get older (I'm similar age) and don't feel the need to be always doing things. Suggest one or two things each day, and people can opt in or out as they please. If DD asks what's next, tell her you are planning to put feet up and have a glass of wine.

It does not help that she gets cross with dh and I if we dont show keeness for her olans all the time and suggest oh no we will stay in.. you go.. she wants the group to do everything together .. if dh and i want ten min walk alone just to catch up it would cause much offence and irritation . So we tend to do what we are told the plan is and then get tired . We are just hoping to get a balance and with it an lovely visit .

I completely understand where you're coming from, OP. TBH your DD sounds totally self-centered. I'd find that kind of open-ended stay exhausting as well, even without being expected to do as your DD wants every moment of every day! How about a holiday for you too, spending time the way you like to spend it?

I too think you should let her know that you and DH don't enjoy being involved in activities all the time, and find it physically and mentally exhausting. Provide her with dates, if you feel able to. You mentioned setting some boundaries. I think it's definitely time, and if you can do it this time it will be easier next time.

mdinbc ive tried that honestly .. she says while you have yr wine you can play a game / watch tv with us / me . She does not get the difference.

Personally I can't imagine telling my dd she couldn't stay....

However I'd be happy to be up front with some ground rules.

For example, "can't wait but you exhausted melast year so I'm just warning you now, I'm not playing games every night." "Also, I'm putting you and x on dinner duty on x, y,z"

I can't believe they don't offer to cater for some of the nights?

Do they bring food? If not, send them a list.

Stop letting her walk all over you!

Thanks those who understand . Thanks . I fear being judged as some on here have done !

She sounds like VERY hard work. An honest heart to heart talk before she arrives is in order. You don't have to do as she says in your own house. She and her boyfriend should be chipping in with grocery buying and meal cooking, and leaving the house for a few hours every day to give you peace.

You have to put some boundaries up.

they cook for you. Set up a kittie for coffees etc out. Split things. I assume they work and have money?

can you say- we cannot sub you for 10 days, so you’ll have to pay for your own coffees out and we can split the catering. You do 2/10, brother does 2/10 and we will host the rest.

What is the boyfriend doing???

you need one of these…

But seriously, if she’s coming with her fella for a whole ten days why don’t you suggest that given it’s a long stay, maybe she shops and cooks a few nights? That’d keep her busy and take the pressure off you a bit. We stay with the ILs for a week over Christmas, have done for years, but we don’t treat it like a full-board holiday.

GabriellaMontez no they dont bring food . I didnt realise I could ask .
the other day when she was here.. she out her head in the fridge and said oh that doesn’t give me much to play with .. i was astounded.
there was cheese, advocado, eggs, salad , chicken , yogurt ..

last year i cooked c mas dinner.. i was late .. she was cross.
we have fried leftovers the next day with chutney etc and a buffet.. by day 4 she was cross and wanted fresh food .. i think i will ask her to help menu plan .. but suspect resistance as i do think she comes for a rest .

It seems to me that when she comes home she regresses to being a child again.
Christmas is a stressful and expensive time as it is, let alone when your (adult) daughter brings a partner to stay for 10 days and you are expected to foot the bill for them every time you go out, cook for them both every day, presumably tidy up after them too and then have to entertain them!
You really need to set boundaries re amount of days they stay, maybe taking a turn with the cooking occasionally, or treating you and your husband to an evening out at least once while they are there.
If you don't set those boundaries, you will end up resenting the time you do spend with your daughter.
Good luck!

I hear what you say re grocery buying . Her b f eat s mega amounts if orotein .. we normally dont eat that way

i dont know how to ask them to contribute when ee never have before ?

BCSurvivor no way wd they treat us to a meal out . It would not occur to them and i wdnt ask .
the bf would rather nit have a drink than buy one . Last year we took them to the pub . We bought several rounds . Bf went to bar , my dh asked him to get a pint .. he called my dh cheeky . Actually went to var to get dd a drink .. did not offer to buy us one . I am serious.

I'm wondering if her boyfriend eats these mega amounts of protein if he has to buy it himself, or whether he's taking advantage of your (free) hospitality.

BCSurvivor he seems to eat as much as he can . We often see him looking in fridge . Last week he took some food home with him from ours .

BCSurvivor he likes things for free and often says so

I like to be generous .. practically i see the reason to ask for a contribution .. emotionally i want to provide. .. feel awful asking .. i try to be a kind host ..

dd bf does not offer tho.. in 4 years he has bought one coffee

At 24, she's an adult. She doesn't seem to be acting like an adult. Is she working? Is the boyfriend working? Why do they think it's OK not to chip in with catering and contributing towards meals out?

I'm a bit older than the OP; I am fit and energetic but I'd find having anyone to stay for 10 days who expects constant entertaining exhausting.

guineverehadgreeneyes yes they both have very good jobs . They pay high rent though.
They are trying to save .

They do go on hols abroad etc tho . We can’t manage that ( or choice retired early )