To ask for help regarding family Christmas things .. need thoughts!

[Notoldeeally]

So we have an issue about christmas!
last year we had a stressful time as we did not know when our adult dd s were leaving .. ( with partners) .. they ended up staying 10 days.

Now , i know they are our kids but its not the same when they bring partners .

We live in a modest 3 bed .

We are in our 60 s .. retired professionals with limited income . No state pension yet.

There are two issues

1. lenght of stay .Dd is always reluctant to make firm plans . She likes to think this is still her home and as such can stay as long as she wants. At christmas last year she would not say how long she wanted to stay , just saying oh I might want the new year here too . we found 10 days just too long , especially as partner with her.How to limit the lenght of stay. I was thinking 6 nights not ten this year,but this would mean them not being here for new year.. and they always want to be here for that too. They live a 4 hour drive away.. so want to stay for duration . We live in a seaside town and alternative accommodation like a house nearby would be great but its v v expensive.
2. activities ! When we are just watching tv or reading she says .. so what are we doing next .. i tell her oh we dont have to do anything, lets just chill .. but she seems to need structure .. so can we olay a game tonight , can we all watch a film.. ten nights of organised nights( as well as an organised thing like a walk for us all) exhausted us and we domt want to do it again. We repeatedly said games some nights but chill others , but she seems to have a fixation that we all need to be doing together!! Most if the time. She gets angry if we suggest otherwise.she seems to think us having a bit of soace is an insult to her , when it isnt .. she says things like well we should make the most of our time.how to tell her in a way she can hear???? Last Christmas was so exhausting and ended up with dh really really tense. we want to change it this year by being proactive and gently firm .. but we know dd will most likely be upset at this and also that there is a time limit as she thinks the oarental home is always open …and i get why she thinks that but we cant be that exhausted again. Any tips on how to say things much appreciated( I just know if we time limit she will say .. but if we only stay … so long.. what about new year.. i want to be here at new year too) I know we dont sound assertive but we dont want upset dd .. with our ds he takes time out goes for walks .. allows a bit of breathing soace.. with dd not so and its just how she is and has been since she was small .

I think many people here who are saying it’s not exhausting haven’t hosted for ten consecutive days of cooking and entertaining. It sounds very claustrophobic op!

Nowadays I have the energy to cook and clean and reset for next meal OR keep people entertained (take them out, drive them around, accompany them to museums etc) but I don’t have the energy to do both!

Most seasoned, savvy, considerate visitors twig that hosts need a rest for a good chunk of the day and take themselves out.

Of course it’s different if it’s just your dc staying, but if you are an introvert like me, you can’t relax if partners are included as well bc you have to have your “public” face on all of the time. You need time to yourself for a few hours every day to re-energise and recover. Ten days of just talking is exhausting if you ask me! It’s about having a bit of mental space, it’s nothing to do with laziness or physical fitness.

Op I wouldn’t write to your dd as words on a page can be taken the wrong way - I would talk to her - FaceTime - on her own. Book the call with her in advance and say you want to have a little private chat about Christmas.

Say you are looking forward to seeing her and that she and her partner are welcome. Then tell her honestly that you found last year a bit exhausting and whether it would be ok if there was a cooking and shopping rota and also that you and your husband will be resting in your room from 2.30 pm to 4.30 pm every day and that you will be needing a bit of peace and quiet at those times. You could also add that you would prefer them to make their own arrangements for NY as you and your dh want to spend it quietly this year.

You may have to compromise on some of these but honestly your dd does sound a little insensitive. I find it strange that she wants to sit and watch you exercise while her dp is there? What is he doing during this time?

Sheepskinthrow he came in too ! Followed her.

I would tell them that they are welcome to come but you are cutting down on sugar and trialling veganism to do your bit to save the planet so unfortunately there will be limited treats and no meat in the house apart from Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

If that doesn't work, I would lie that you have volunteered at a local garden project this winter and sneak off to the pub, just the two of you, to sit in shell-shocked silence and recover from the onslaught.

If all else fails, you could try what my mother said to me and what I say to my 6yo. "It's adult time now, I'm afraid, DC. Run off and play somewhere else otherwise it's time for bed. Mummy's been running after you all day and now she wants some peace and quiet."

OP I'm not being funny but there is no magic answer here until you say no to her, mean it and just accept she will be pissed off (for a while). The more you update, the more demanding she seems and the more of a doormat you seem.

Agree the limits with your DH. Explain those limits to your daughter and then stick to them.

Eg she can moan as much as she likes about you taking a ten minute walk, but that doesn't stop you taking one. Do it.

To more you do this, the more she will accept the new normal.

3 days sounds like plenty...

The thing is that you are going to have to start using your words. Talk to her. Explain that you're worried about your energy levels. Invite her for 3 days, 4 days. Say 'your round, dd' if you go to the pub. Or don't; say you can't afford it.

I personally would find it incredibly rude if someone I was staying with sat next to me with headphones on. Reading is different. But if they needed time out I would expect them to get up late, breakfast with me and then head off for a bath or a rest any time they wanted, be together again for lunch, maybe a walk then another separate time before tge evening. Just remove yourself when you need a break.

Our house is small . Only one living room and a kitchen so people gravitate to room I exercise in which is living room ! ( tv )

And I completely agree that it sounds claustrophobic. I would be hard-pressed in your position not to say something very, very rude by the end of the visit.

No wonder your dh was tense. This is really poor manners on the part of your dd’s bf.

I think I would be having private words with my dd about this as to whether she wants to be linked forever to this scrooge but that’s another thread!

What a sly, diggy little comment. How dare parents want some personal space? But I guess only young people have needs and feelings, eh?

Sheepskinthrow he can be really really kind to her . However he does something that are odd to me like ask to finish my drink if i leave a bit when sometimes i have not even finished.

😧

Circularargument i saw that comment too and called them out on it . Nasty.

I'd be so tempted to let him drink it and then have a huge coughing/sneezing fit immediately afterwards 😂. Snaffling people's food/drinks is such a nasty habit.

Perhaps suggest they'd like to see his parents for New Year? If they were both at yours last year, with the expectation of the same this year, when do they spend time with his family during the festive season? Most people with partners share their time between both families.....

No OP this is not on.
Set some boundaries, she will come round, currently you and your husband are being held hostage (emotionally).

😧😧

This is odd. He’s not an Olympic wrestler is he?

SleepingisanArt one of his parents has been dead a long time . The other parent goes away .

Op wouldn't a shared agreed in advance schedule cater to your DD's need to have a plan and also to your need for downtime?

So in response to the question'what are we doing next' the answer would be 'tonight it's read our Christmas books by the fire with a glass of wine, tomorrow it's you and your brother make dinner, the day after you and your brother have the ice skating trip we bought you - and so on. Everyone knows where they are then.

The bf staying with you for ten days and not buying you a drink at the bar is next level CF. On that basis I'd be asking them to bring with them all the ingredients they need to make dinner for you all on 2/10 nights. Same for your DS.

His surviving parent has the right idea 😃👍

I don't see how anything will change unless you tell her? You seem reluctant to upset her though, theres no magic right way to tell her.

i feel bad asking our ds to contribute tho as his wage is much much less than bf and dd .

Thanks all . Will take time to read this tomorrow and formulate a plan !

Can i say to bf yiu have to buy drinks / coffees sometime.. ? Directly! Or ask dd to tell him ? i know they feel like its a holiday but we struggle to afford it .. its cost 100s last year .

If they can afford holidays, they can afford to contribute towards food and meals out for an extended stay.

I could not imagine staying 10 days with parents at that age, especially with a boyfriend in tow. Is a four hour journey home between Christmas and New Year such a difficult thing for a couple of 24 years olds in professional jobs? (or whatever age the boyfriend is)? I'd expect a couple that age to want to be out with friends over New Year - not see the New Year in with mum and dad, who might prefer to go to bed early, anyway.

Why do they not stay at his parents some years?

I think it is unreasonable that you are doing all the cooking.

I have two children of 22 and the arrangement when we have family meet ups for a few days is that everyone takes turns cooking.

This wears the young ones out as much as the old ones so everyone is at about the same level of tired.

We usually get takeout first night and then sit down with pen and paper and allocate meals before all descending on a supermarket,

Obviously you might not want to do that fully, but explaining that you are much more tired because you are doing all the cleaning and cooking and it's time she took a turn with either result in her pulling her weight or coming for fewer days.