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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

333 replies

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 19:17

DS2 is 21, he has been with his girlfriend a little over a year. We like to keep Christmas budget pretty strict, we could spend more I just hate how consumerist it has become.
My budgets are set in stone really varying between £25 and £200 depending who it is.
Usually for the partners of our kids (we have 5) who aren't with us on Christmas Day we spend between £50 and £100.
I asked DS what I should get for his GF and he sent a link for a perfume costing more than £200.
I'm gobsmacked, we aren't struggling and I do have the money to buy the perfume comfortably but we don't ever spend that much at Christmas.
I called him and said WTF basically and he told me that he'd transfer the difference but she probably wouldn't want anything else!?!

He also told me that for her and her 5 closest friends they are spending around £200 on each person?!!

She's from a very wealthy family (dad is managing partner of a Swiss private bank type wealthy), but this is insane right?!!
AIBU saying I won't spend this much even if my son transfers the difference?!

OP posts:
ChateauDuMont · 06/12/2023 20:37

I doubt this will have come from her. It's your son wanting his family to appear affluent like his girlfriend family.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 06/12/2023 20:38

I was once given a toiletries set for £6 from my in-laws, best present ever and the only present in 15 years I’ve actually liked and used. I know for a fact they spend more than £100 on the spouses and GF of their other children.

Aprilx · 06/12/2023 20:38

Been with DH for twenty years. As far as I am concerned, I get what I a given when it comes to presents from his family. I would never expect them to even ask what I would like and nor what I ever send them a gift wish.

To be honest, I don’t believe she has here either, and I don’t think she would care or have expectations anyway, I think it is OP’s son that is trying to create an image.

Dogcatmousedog · 06/12/2023 20:39

Maybe you need to invite the GF to your house so she understands your lifestyle,which I am sure is just normal!
My son has a lovely GF who has had a very privileged upbringing and was educated at a top private school ,studied law at Oxbridge and is now a lawyer in the magic circle.
She has requested fluffy socks and chocolate…

tennesseewhiskey1 · 06/12/2023 20:40

He’s trying to keep up with what she’s used to to try and keep her happy - This wont end well and he will be broke (and broken hearted soon) trust me I know - my sister is like this.

LighthouseCat · 06/12/2023 20:40

She actually sounds lovely and if she liked the build a bear present then I'd think about something along those lines. She can buy her own over-priced scent. Your son was probably trying to be helpful but I'd ignore his suggestions.

Saggypants · 06/12/2023 20:41

Of course YANBU but I'm surprised you needed the Mumsnet community to tell you that. Five kids and you aren't used to saying 'Ha! I'm not spending that much!'? It's a no brainer isn't it? Practically a daily conversation in this house.

housethatbuiltme · 06/12/2023 20:42

You DS is a cheeky fucker... let him buy it not off shoot the cost to you.

Could you buy a cheaper associated item though?

Like for instance I just googled £200 perfume and the first thing that came up (multiple times) was 'Maison Francis Kurkdjian' so taking that name and searching it I found you can get a 'mini fragrence wardrobe' (basically 8x 2ml atomizers of different perfumes by them) for £40.

KinS24 · 06/12/2023 20:42

Well I am wading in as owner of a 21 year old son with a lovely girlfriend he’s been with for just over a year.
Her gift cost £22. It’s a jigsaw. She loves jigsaws. She will love it because she’s lovely and it was bought with fondness. Perfume for this relationship is odd.

3luckystars · 06/12/2023 20:43

Ignore your son!

Bobthethird · 06/12/2023 20:44

ask DS if he really thinks the only thing she'll be getting for Xmas is the same bottle of perfume off everyone. If not then yes, there are other things she will appreciate. Tell him he surely knows her well enough to think of one other interest beyond "smelling nice" that he can share with you.

Wrongsideofpennines · 06/12/2023 20:45

I wouldn't even spend this much on my own partner, never mind someone else's. Our families do Secret Santa - budget I'd £35 one side, £50 the other.

I would get her the small £42 one. You know she likes that perfume and it she's not asked for the more expensive size then it will be a nice gift.

Bobthethird · 06/12/2023 20:46

housethatbuiltme · 06/12/2023 20:42

You DS is a cheeky fucker... let him buy it not off shoot the cost to you.

Could you buy a cheaper associated item though?

Like for instance I just googled £200 perfume and the first thing that came up (multiple times) was 'Maison Francis Kurkdjian' so taking that name and searching it I found you can get a 'mini fragrence wardrobe' (basically 8x 2ml atomizers of different perfumes by them) for £40.

this is perfect. what perfume is it and what do you want to spend?

ChainBastard · 06/12/2023 20:47

I agree, you don't want to set a precedent, and it's very unfair on the other partners.
My son's girlfriend is getting a Lush gift set and an ASOS bag.

The Build a Bear thing is absolutely adorable, you can't fake liking something to that degree. She sounds sweet.

I'd go for the minis and tell her DS said she liked the scent but OBVIOUSLY the full size is above budget. You could add a tinkly laugh if you felt so inclined.

Original poster
BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 20:47

KinS24 · 06/12/2023 20:42

Well I am wading in as owner of a 21 year old son with a lovely girlfriend he’s been with for just over a year.
Her gift cost £22. It’s a jigsaw. She loves jigsaws. She will love it because she’s lovely and it was bought with fondness. Perfume for this relationship is odd.

See that's the issue, we've met her maybe 7 times, but always over food and I still don't know what she really "likes". My youngest DD has her on instagram but it seems she has 4 moods, uni, working, eating at some madly expensive restaurant or travelling. Our DS1s wife is a big Jane Austen fan so we've got her a nice box set of the books. DD1s BF we've got a cocktail kit type thing as he loves cocktails. Still have to sort DD2s BFs gift but he's a F1 fan so I think we will go down that route.
I know she plays tennis sometimes but I don't know what sort of gift would go with that.

OP posts:
greengreengrass25 · 06/12/2023 20:48

Wouldn't even spend that much on my own dc, absolutely ridiculous

notlucreziaborgia · 06/12/2023 20:49

tennesseewhiskey1 · 06/12/2023 20:40

He’s trying to keep up with what she’s used to to try and keep her happy - This wont end well and he will be broke (and broken hearted soon) trust me I know - my sister is like this.

OP hasn’t said anything that suggest the GF is ‘like this’. That the son asked for the perfume doesn’t mean she requested it, or expects it.

assessedorregreased · 06/12/2023 20:49

That's very entitled of both him and her!

Definitely don't buy it, even if he pays the difference, as she will then be expecting that amount to be spent on her every Christmas or birthday.

Simply get your son to ask her for further ideas as you all tend to stick to a limit now the kids are adults.

If there's nothing she wants for your budget then that's her decision ... don't get her anything!

Chuckiee · 06/12/2023 20:50

I think that is really rude of them to ask. I wouldn't ask my own mother for a perfume costing over £200 for Christmas. I'd just choose something else for her

Original poster
BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 20:51

ChainBastard · 06/12/2023 20:47

I agree, you don't want to set a precedent, and it's very unfair on the other partners.
My son's girlfriend is getting a Lush gift set and an ASOS bag.

The Build a Bear thing is absolutely adorable, you can't fake liking something to that degree. She sounds sweet.

I'd go for the minis and tell her DS said she liked the scent but OBVIOUSLY the full size is above budget. You could add a tinkly laugh if you felt so inclined.

She is very sweet!!

It's become a bit of a game where at some random time the family group chat will light up with "Freddie wants to play hide and seek who can find him", then the bear will be somewhere random like in the mixing bowl or poking its head out the curtain - I actually really like her!!

My son on the other hand can be a bit of a show off perhaps.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 06/12/2023 20:51

So there’s nothing else in the world that the girlfriend will want that is reasonably priced in cost? Orrrr he is wanting you to supplement an insanely expensive Christmas present he doesn’t want to fork out on alone.

He can’t afford his girlfriend.

VivienneDelacroix · 06/12/2023 20:52

I've been married for 16 years and my PIL generally buy me a paperback or a box of supermarket chocolates (so about a fiver). My mum spends about £50 on my husband.

Aprilx · 06/12/2023 20:52

assessedorregreased · 06/12/2023 20:49

That's very entitled of both him and her!

Definitely don't buy it, even if he pays the difference, as she will then be expecting that amount to be spent on her every Christmas or birthday.

Simply get your son to ask her for further ideas as you all tend to stick to a limit now the kids are adults.

If there's nothing she wants for your budget then that's her decision ... don't get her anything!

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that the girlfriend has had any hand in this!

BIossomtoes · 06/12/2023 20:53

DS1s wife is a big Jane Austen fan so we've got her a nice box set of the books.

Won’t she already have them?

DropDeadFreida · 06/12/2023 20:53

Firstly I'd be tearing my son a new one. How dare he ask that of you and it does sound like he's either attempting to make it seem like you're better off than you are or trying to keep up-both of which are ridiculous. He should be proud of the fact that you care so much about his relationship and are taking the time to get to know his GF and buy her something she likes.

In your shoes I'd probably go for one of those expensive candles for the £50. And a lump of coal for your son for being so ungrateful!