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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

333 replies

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 19:17

DS2 is 21, he has been with his girlfriend a little over a year. We like to keep Christmas budget pretty strict, we could spend more I just hate how consumerist it has become.
My budgets are set in stone really varying between £25 and £200 depending who it is.
Usually for the partners of our kids (we have 5) who aren't with us on Christmas Day we spend between £50 and £100.
I asked DS what I should get for his GF and he sent a link for a perfume costing more than £200.
I'm gobsmacked, we aren't struggling and I do have the money to buy the perfume comfortably but we don't ever spend that much at Christmas.
I called him and said WTF basically and he told me that he'd transfer the difference but she probably wouldn't want anything else!?!

He also told me that for her and her 5 closest friends they are spending around £200 on each person?!!

She's from a very wealthy family (dad is managing partner of a Swiss private bank type wealthy), but this is insane right?!!
AIBU saying I won't spend this much even if my son transfers the difference?!

OP posts:
NChance · 09/12/2023 00:41

Love don't be shy is £44 for 7.5ml so it's tiny

This is £70 for the hair mist or they do a body oil for £85 if that helps at all?
Personally if I wanted a really £££ perfume either of those would be a great alternative (I'm a perfume addict!)

https://www.harrods.com/en-gb/shopping/a-la-rose-scented-hair-mist-70ml-21287323?gadsource=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIv-O9uI6BgwMVtpRQBh0xnwOXEAQYDiABEgLjMPDD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

alohaa · 09/12/2023 01:16

What's with all the random tips for champagne on a beer budget??? 1) If OP is going to hunt high and low or scrimp and save for luxury on a bargain, I'm sure she'd rather do that for her actual loved ones than this random gf, as much as she likes the girl 2) she'll also have to spend that much on her other kids' bfs/gfs in the name of fairness so just multiply £100 by a few

Diaria · 09/12/2023 01:36

alohaa · 09/12/2023 01:16

What's with all the random tips for champagne on a beer budget??? 1) If OP is going to hunt high and low or scrimp and save for luxury on a bargain, I'm sure she'd rather do that for her actual loved ones than this random gf, as much as she likes the girl 2) she'll also have to spend that much on her other kids' bfs/gfs in the name of fairness so just multiply £100 by a few

@alohaa OP stated her budget was £50-100 per child’s partner, I pointed out that the eau de toilette for one of the perfumes is around the £100 mark, as is the scented candle and others have shown that other products such as hair mist, body lotion are less than £100.

For the kilian perfume that is more expensive, you can get one of them for about £150, and the other in a travel set for between £120-150. Both of which would be possible if she allowed DS to top up the difference if this is what she’d prefer.

My parents and I sometimes do a joint gift for DH, not a big deal.

And it’s relatively straightforward to do a google search or use voucher codes/cashback sites. Personally I would rather that than be ripped off!! Not hunting high and low, but being a smart shopper. There’s no need to be spending in excess of £200 on any of these products.

If OP is happier with an individual present in the £50-70 range, the body lotion or similar or a voucher for a premium store would be ideal.

Mrschickenn · 09/12/2023 15:15

I bet there are dupes of it you can find. There usually are with expensive perfumes. Or do they do a body lotion or something in gift set with the scent? If not, a fragrance shop voucher towards it

BIossomtoes · 09/12/2023 18:13

Mrschickenn · 09/12/2023 15:15

I bet there are dupes of it you can find. There usually are with expensive perfumes. Or do they do a body lotion or something in gift set with the scent? If not, a fragrance shop voucher towards it

If someone wants a very niche £200 perfume they won’t be fobbed off with a dupe. Body lotion or hair mist is a good call.

SLeanne · 09/12/2023 18:31

I would not spend more than £20. Maybe a scented candle and some nice chocolates. Any gift should be gratefully received imo. We even specified on our wedding invitations NO GIFTS as I don't agree with asking for specific things.

autienotnaughty · 09/12/2023 20:14

Yeah we do £40 on partners I'd do a joint gift with son but I'd want it to be clear it was a joint gift.

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 20:23

Cheeky little sods. I'd do one of those donation to charity gifts.

Pbjammy · 09/12/2023 20:37

DP's family is very wealthy and have 3 daughters in law, all in their 20s/30s (no grandkids yet). They spend roughly £25ish on token gifts for us every year, like nice chocolates/socks etc. Last year we each got little Neom candles and Neom hand cream. Perfectly nice.

Nantescalling · 09/12/2023 23:31

Diaria · 09/12/2023 01:36

@alohaa OP stated her budget was £50-100 per child’s partner, I pointed out that the eau de toilette for one of the perfumes is around the £100 mark, as is the scented candle and others have shown that other products such as hair mist, body lotion are less than £100.

For the kilian perfume that is more expensive, you can get one of them for about £150, and the other in a travel set for between £120-150. Both of which would be possible if she allowed DS to top up the difference if this is what she’d prefer.

My parents and I sometimes do a joint gift for DH, not a big deal.

And it’s relatively straightforward to do a google search or use voucher codes/cashback sites. Personally I would rather that than be ripped off!! Not hunting high and low, but being a smart shopper. There’s no need to be spending in excess of £200 on any of these products.

If OP is happier with an individual present in the £50-70 range, the body lotion or similar or a voucher for a premium store would be ideal.

Show quote history

Why are you suggesting these other products when the author has specifically stated that the g/f wouldn't want anything else? body lotion in her fav perfume - definitely.

Nantescalling · 09/12/2023 23:34

It's your son who is being unreasonable. 200 quid prezzies for a girl you've not even met yet! He is obviously telling her a lot of half truths. You might find a body lotion or hair spritz in her favorite perfume though for much, much less.

rmcc1983 · 09/12/2023 23:41

Sounds like he is trying to impress, and perhaps he has let on to her that his family are as wealthy as hers. Dangerous because it could lead to him getting into crippling debt if he continually does this. And a relationship shouldn’t be based on a lie.

But back to the gift. Perfume at £200 for anyone is ridiculous! Tell him you will be spending the usual amount and if he can’t suggest anything in this range then give a gift voucher. Don’t enable him to perpetuate the myth of massive family wealth, it’s going to end badly.

Diaria · 09/12/2023 23:42

Nantescalling · 09/12/2023 23:31

Why are you suggesting these other products when the author has specifically stated that the g/f wouldn't want anything else? body lotion in her fav perfume - definitely.

Show quote history

@Nantescalling

Please can you reread my post?

The determining factor is OP’s budget.

One of the favourite perfumes was l’eau A la rose. I suggested the eau de toilette in this, or alternatively the scented candle, body lotion or hair mist all within OP’s budget.

Kilian perfume is harder to get anything, for one of the scents a full size bottle is on sale for £150, for the other a travel set (appropriate because of the girl’s love of travel) is £120-150 and I personally thought it looked impressive.

LakieLady · 10/12/2023 08:40

Luxell934 · 06/12/2023 21:21

Get her a gift voucher for boots or John Lewis for the amount you want where she can put it towards the perfume if she wants it? To be honest if her family is very wealthy she most likely can afford to buy it herself or her family will buy it for her. I really wouldn't give it much thought, if she's super wealthy she probably won't!

I very much doubt if they'd sell it in Boots!

They don't even stock Guerlain any more, and that's nowhere near as upmarket.

sep135 · 10/12/2023 08:41

I think a tiny bottle or other cosmetics wouldn't look a great present.

Personally I'd pick something entirely different, such as a nice scented candle or cashmere gloves or bed socks from the White Company.

Internationalpony · 10/12/2023 08:55

This is insane and so entitled! I don’t spend £200 on anyone except my DH. But even if you wanted to spend that, that should come from you. It’s incredibly rude to ask for a gift of that value. And incredibly spoilt to “not want anything else”. Surely everyone likes a nice jumper, cosy scarf, fresh PJs, new gloves at Christmas? At that age and after 1 year together I’d be thinking along the lines of a gift set from Lush to be honest.

sep135 · 10/12/2023 08:58

Talking of Lush, I love their bath bombs but they've become so expensive. It feels a bit like tearing up a £5 note every time you have a bath. I don't feel I'm worth this transitory decadence...

CellophaneFlower · 10/12/2023 09:43

I would go for a Selfridges voucher and an outfit for her build a bear. Something she'll use and something that she'll find 'cute'.

I reckon this is more your son trying to keep up with the joneses. It doesn't matter how well off you are, you have your budget and he needs to get over himself respect that.

Ghyur · 10/12/2023 11:02

I don’t think either you’re DS or his GF have came to this with malice like is being suggested! DS is 21 and hasn’t probably even considered a budget 🤦‍♀️ He has probably just sent the first link he found to the perfumes, so you knew what he was talking about. However only you know if this was a demand or an idea.
Buy her the smaller gift set at £48 with a note saying “perfect for all your travelling” or similar (you mentioned she travels a lot) and a travel book or box of chocolates.

topnoddy · 10/12/2023 12:20

Being a Christmas hating miserable old git has it's advantages

My budget is £0 per person , no exceptions

MadCatLady27 · 10/12/2023 18:27

I wouldn't be spending £200 on her I don't even spend that on family

If she likes the build a bear could you get another voucher for that so she can get the bear a friend, then an accessory linked to the perfume e.g a nice hand cream or a voucher for places that stock it

NoThanksymm · 10/12/2023 21:23

Pj’s for a gf of a kid. They are 21 and it’s a year!

Magicmama92 · 10/12/2023 22:48

I wouldn't do that and I'd be saying to your son that it's not about the material things it's the thought and to request something that expensive is ridiculous it should be home getting her that for Xmas. Is this his way of getting her what she wants because he doesn't want to pay the full price?

Allyliz · 11/12/2023 14:13

It's a completely inappropriate gift to get for a sons girlfriend. I'd just say no. He needs to man up and be honest with her about the facts of normal life. Surely this girl would like a new phone case or some nice body lotion or a flashy lipstick....any of which would be affordable and a fab gift...stand your ground or you'll be doing this every year he spends with her.

StarlightLime · 11/12/2023 14:31

BIossomtoes · 09/12/2023 18:13

If someone wants a very niche £200 perfume they won’t be fobbed off with a dupe. Body lotion or hair mist is a good call.

Show quote history

"Fobbed off" is quite a strong term when you're talking about a gift from your boyfriend's mother (whom you haven't even met yet)...