Page 9 | Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

BeforeNew · 2023-12-06T19:17:37+00:00

DS2 is 21, he has been with his girlfriend a little over a year. We like to keep Christmas budget pretty strict, we could spend more I just hate how consumerist it has become. My budgets are set in stone really varying between £25 and £200 depending who it is. Usually for the partners of our kids (we have 5) who aren't with us on Christmas Day we spend between £50 and £100. I asked DS what I should get for his GF and he sent a link for a perfume costing more than £200. I'm gobsmacked, we aren't struggling and I do have the money to buy the perfume comfortably but we don't ever spend that much at Christmas. I called him and said WTF basically and he told me that he'd transfer the difference but she probably wouldn't want anything else!?! He also told me that for her and her 5 closest friends they are spending around £200 on each person?!! She's from a very wealthy family (dad is managing partner of a Swiss private bank type wealthy), but this is insane right?!! AIBU saying I won't spend this much even if my son transfers the difference?!

DreamTheMoors · 07/12/2023 02:27

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 19:45

I'm concerned he might be. She's never been to our house, only met her out for lunch or dinner and always at places they suggest which are almost always more than I'd like to spend on a meal!!

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I haven’t read the whole thread, but if the GF’s parents are truly wealthy, your son might be under enormous pressure to keep up. I’ve been there - I dated an actual millionaire once and birthdays and Christmas were torture for me, because what do you get a millionaire??
Keep to your budget NOW and set your pattern firmly in stone. We aren’t all as well off as others and that’s just real life. I’m sure whatever gift you get will be thoughtful and the young lady will be appreciative.

Fosterfloof · 07/12/2023 03:07

I agree with other posters suggestion about getting Freddie a Christmas outfit. Or even, what about getting Freddie a girlfriend!!

ChaniceKobolowski · 07/12/2023 06:12

Diaria · 06/12/2023 23:47

I think your budget sounds reasonable.

I would be inclined to just get the perfume and have son pay the difference if he is massively in love with her.

If she is from this sort of background then that amount may be typical and doing other wise might put a spanner in the works of your son’s relationship.

If you only have to shell out at her birthday and Christmas, and she stays with DS and they make a go of it… it’s a small price to pay for his happiness, and indeed his security and enjoyment of life.

He is from a background where a lesser amount is typical and if the expectation of a £200 gift is normal maybe the OP should be the spanner!

What about the other four partners, I’m sure a £200 gift would help their happiness, and indeed their security and enjoyment of life too.

I’d be concerned about how much money my DS is going to spend on her and her family if £200 is the expectation from me.

sep135 · 07/12/2023 06:42

However in the context of coming from a wealthy family £200 may well be the equivalent of £25 for people who are less well off/on minimum wage.* So I guess it's all proportionate to your income/ wealth.*

Only to a point in my experience. Plenty of us have said we wouldn't spend £200 on a present for a new girlfriend even though we're in a similar bracket. And the very wealthy/multiple properties friends I know are the opposite and tend to buy very modest/token presents.

In fairness to the girlfriend, it sounds as if it's coming from the son, not her. Most people have a differential in wealth and there's no need to be embarrassed or feel you have to keep up. Otherwise the relationship isn't starting on the best foot. I'd set a budget and let her give you a few ideas within it.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/12/2023 07:05

Diaria · 06/12/2023 23:47

I think your budget sounds reasonable.

I would be inclined to just get the perfume and have son pay the difference if he is massively in love with her.

If she is from this sort of background then that amount may be typical and doing other wise might put a spanner in the works of your son’s relationship.

If you only have to shell out at her birthday and Christmas, and she stays with DS and they make a go of it… it’s a small price to pay for his happiness, and indeed his security and enjoyment of life.

So present a fall front to secure someone, pretend you're someone you're not, take money from your parents to keep up with someone's else's set of values....yeah, sounds a very healthy basis for a relationship. WTF?

Fairylightfurore · 07/12/2023 07:38

Give her money and a token chocolate Santa or something. She can put it towards her perfume.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/12/2023 08:19

Maybe get her the shower gel or body moisturiser in one of the perfumes she likes?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/12/2023 08:19

And it sounds like your son is the issue not her tbh

ChantieM · 07/12/2023 09:12

I'd stick to your guns and not set an unattainable standard for the future.

On a side note, my DS dated the daughter of a multimillionaire for a couple of years. She was a sweet girl. I actually felt their gifts were more reserved than most, even within her friends (they seemed to do small, funny gifts or little things). When I met her parents they spoke about how they didn't splash on Christmas but got more for birthdays.
I also noticed that both she and DS got more "big" gifts if it was a reward, such as they got DS a lovely watch when he graduated.
Point being that I think those who are truly wealthy tend to gift differently to everyone else so don't stress and I don't imagine this is actually coming from her.

Diaria · 07/12/2023 09:17

ChaniceKobolowski · 07/12/2023 06:12

He is from a background where a lesser amount is typical and if the expectation of a £200 gift is normal maybe the OP should be the spanner!

What about the other four partners, I’m sure a £200 gift would help their happiness, and indeed their security and enjoyment of life too.

I’d be concerned about how much money my DS is going to spend on her and her family if £200 is the expectation from me.

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@ChaniceKobolowski

Maybe the son is going to have a high flying career and will out earn his parents.

It certainly looks that way if he is attracting someone as wealthy as the girl described.

She is not going to get involved with someone doing art history or sociology.

He’s probably in finance, engineering, IT… he will be fine.

Diaria · 07/12/2023 09:20

theleafandnotthetree · 07/12/2023 07:05

So present a fall front to secure someone, pretend you're someone you're not, take money from your parents to keep up with someone's else's set of values....yeah, sounds a very healthy basis for a relationship. WTF?

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@theleafandnotthetree

nope, not pretend they are any different and OP doesn’t need to spend any different - the son will make up the extra.

If it were my son I’d go along with it, if that was what he was happy to do.

ianshe · 07/12/2023 10:42

They do a travel set, a refillable atomiser which is actually very cute and makes a great gift

But yes, I agree with PP it seems as though he may be trying to give her the impression you guys are rolling in it.

Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

housethatbuiltme · 07/12/2023 10:45

VivienneDelacroix · 06/12/2023 20:52

I've been married for 16 years and my PIL generally buy me a paperback or a box of supermarket chocolates (so about a fiver). My mum spends about £50 on my husband.

This I have been with DH for 16 years too and the pattern seems to be I get a top from somewhere like New Look from MIL and a box of chocolate (nicer than bog standard budget stuff I buy but not crazy fancy/expensive something like Farrero Roche or liqueurs) off FIL.

Honestly I never expected anything though.

housethatbuiltme · 07/12/2023 10:53

ChantieM · 07/12/2023 09:12

I'd stick to your guns and not set an unattainable standard for the future.

On a side note, my DS dated the daughter of a multimillionaire for a couple of years. She was a sweet girl. I actually felt their gifts were more reserved than most, even within her friends (they seemed to do small, funny gifts or little things). When I met her parents they spoke about how they didn't splash on Christmas but got more for birthdays.
I also noticed that both she and DS got more "big" gifts if it was a reward, such as they got DS a lovely watch when he graduated.
Point being that I think those who are truly wealthy tend to gift differently to everyone else so don't stress and I don't imagine this is actually coming from her.

I think you see this on mumsnet. A lot of more middle class people get confused at 'commercialized' Christmases as they say as they give a lot less (the want, need, wear, read brigade etc...).

This is however often facilitated by the fact they have access to buy whatever they want or need throughout the year though so they constantly get what would be 'gifts' to us as just standard things they deem 'necessities'. Its a sort of 'what do you get the person that has or can buy with ease anything they want'.

Example: if their laptop breaks in September they just buy a new macbook etc... they don't have to save up and wait until the black friday sale at a referb shop to replace it where as for many people like me xmas is saved up for all year so is the main time to get 'new' items.

TurningtheLightOff · 07/12/2023 10:57

I wish people would read the thread instead of commenting the exact same thing over and over.

Anyway, OP, I personally think you need to have a calm chat with your son about what he is doing here. I wouldn’t be mad or outraged that he’s being cheeky, but I think as his mother you’re well placed to say to him that he needs to consider why he thinks he needs to pretend with your gift to impress her financially. There’s something going on there with him - the big alert is that he would rather make up the money for the perfume himself (and not tell her) than accept the reality of your price point and allow her to enjoy that.

She sounds lovely, and she clearly isn’t daft. She will already be aware of his family financial situation compared to hers, and if she isn’t and he’s getting into debt to impress her, then even more reason to speak to him.

The smaller sizes are fine (the travel sets are still above your budget) but I’m not sure I would go that route. It seems a bit like grasping at straws. If she loves the fragrance she’s likely using the larger bottles so getting her a tiny one may seem a bit odd. I’d choose something else smaller but luxurious, like the cashmere socks idea or one of those cashmere headbands. Plus definitely something for the bear - not another bear as part of the fun is the experience of building your own.

MrsMarzetti · 07/12/2023 11:17

My sons in law get £25.No way in hell would i be spending that kind of money an adult that isn't even related to me.

kaboomy · 07/12/2023 11:27

@ChantieM Point being that I think those who are truly wealthy tend to gift differently to everyone else so don't stress and I don't imagine this is actually coming from her.

People on mn seem to have very peculiar views on money. Firstly being a multi millionaire doesn't make one truly wealthy. Simply owning a house in the SE makes people multi millionaires. And the 'wealthy' be it relatively or truly are like everyone else in that they are all different. Some buy token gifts. Some spend absolute fortunes, thousands on decorators to make their houses festive and every conceivable gift possible. There are no rules. You set your own.

StarlightLime · 07/12/2023 11:36

Diaria · 07/12/2023 09:20

@theleafandnotthetree

nope, not pretend they are any different and OP doesn’t need to spend any different - the son will make up the extra.

If it were my son I’d go along with it, if that was what he was happy to do.

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You don't seem to grasp what it would mean at all, @Diaria 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps it's pointless trying to explain it to you.

ManateeFair · 07/12/2023 11:52

The girlfriend actually sounds lovely. It's your son who is the problem here, isn't it? He's the one making demands. And yes, I think the PP who said he might be pretending you're more well-off than you actually are has probably got it spot on. He's trying to impress her (which he clearly doesn't need to do, as she doesn't actually sound like the sort of person who needs to be impressed at all).

YerArseInParsley · 07/12/2023 12:44

TurningtheLightOff · 07/12/2023 10:57

I wish people would read the thread instead of commenting the exact same thing over and over.

Anyway, OP, I personally think you need to have a calm chat with your son about what he is doing here. I wouldn’t be mad or outraged that he’s being cheeky, but I think as his mother you’re well placed to say to him that he needs to consider why he thinks he needs to pretend with your gift to impress her financially. There’s something going on there with him - the big alert is that he would rather make up the money for the perfume himself (and not tell her) than accept the reality of your price point and allow her to enjoy that.

She sounds lovely, and she clearly isn’t daft. She will already be aware of his family financial situation compared to hers, and if she isn’t and he’s getting into debt to impress her, then even more reason to speak to him.

The smaller sizes are fine (the travel sets are still above your budget) but I’m not sure I would go that route. It seems a bit like grasping at straws. If she loves the fragrance she’s likely using the larger bottles so getting her a tiny one may seem a bit odd. I’d choose something else smaller but luxurious, like the cashmere socks idea or one of those cashmere headbands. Plus definitely something for the bear - not another bear as part of the fun is the experience of building your own.

Sorry, we will all try and do better 🤣

TorroFerney · 07/12/2023 13:08

sep135 · 07/12/2023 06:42

However in the context of coming from a wealthy family £200 may well be the equivalent of £25 for people who are less well off/on minimum wage.* So I guess it's all proportionate to your income/ wealth.*

Only to a point in my experience. Plenty of us have said we wouldn't spend £200 on a present for a new girlfriend even though we're in a similar bracket. And the very wealthy/multiple properties friends I know are the opposite and tend to buy very modest/token presents.

In fairness to the girlfriend, it sounds as if it's coming from the son, not her. Most people have a differential in wealth and there's no need to be embarrassed or feel you have to keep up. Otherwise the relationship isn't starting on the best foot. I'd set a budget and let her give you a few ideas within it.

Agree - what you spend is not what you can afford in fact sometimes the opposite. You hear of less well off people being plunged into debt at Christmas buying expensive presents.

KimberleyClark · 07/12/2023 13:27

SiennaMillar · 06/12/2023 20:02

I’m going against the grain here, but I don’t actually think it’s ridiculous. £200 is no longer that much money.

If they’re wealthy, and you’re wealthy, then I don’t see the issue. Maybe she’d rather have nothing than something she genuinely will use.

God, only on Mumsnet.

Diaria · 07/12/2023 13:37

StarlightLime · 07/12/2023 11:36

You don't seem to grasp what it would mean at all, @Diaria 🤷🏻‍♀️
Perhaps it's pointless trying to explain it to you.

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@StarlightLime

Look I see what you’re saying, you mean for the relationship between the mother and the potential daughter in law if the relationship goes the course…

I can see what you’re saying, very easy way of handling it….

Whenever she says thank you

“I hope you enjoy it, it’s a beautiful perfume. A bit more than we regularly spend on children’s partners, but X contributed, you are so special to him etc”

That way you support son with what he wants for gf but draw your boundary in the sand.

Ffsnotaconference · 07/12/2023 14:16

TurningtheLightOff · 07/12/2023 10:57

I wish people would read the thread instead of commenting the exact same thing over and over.

Anyway, OP, I personally think you need to have a calm chat with your son about what he is doing here. I wouldn’t be mad or outraged that he’s being cheeky, but I think as his mother you’re well placed to say to him that he needs to consider why he thinks he needs to pretend with your gift to impress her financially. There’s something going on there with him - the big alert is that he would rather make up the money for the perfume himself (and not tell her) than accept the reality of your price point and allow her to enjoy that.

She sounds lovely, and she clearly isn’t daft. She will already be aware of his family financial situation compared to hers, and if she isn’t and he’s getting into debt to impress her, then even more reason to speak to him.

The smaller sizes are fine (the travel sets are still above your budget) but I’m not sure I would go that route. It seems a bit like grasping at straws. If she loves the fragrance she’s likely using the larger bottles so getting her a tiny one may seem a bit odd. I’d choose something else smaller but luxurious, like the cashmere socks idea or one of those cashmere headbands. Plus definitely something for the bear - not another bear as part of the fun is the experience of building your own.

Depends. If you are quite into perfume, a gift of a smaller one with a case, is a lovely gift. Or matching items is also a lovely gift.

It sounds like she is into perfume. They aren’t the current popular ones from those houses, so it’s a safe assumption. Something from that line would be better than a random gift she may not like. Not everyone likes cashmere socks for example. That’s a very impersonal or generic gift.

Discovery sets are also a lovely gift.

Op may prefer that though. Which is why people are making suggestions or adding their opinion, even if it’s similar to someone else’s.

Your idea of ‘get something generic’ isn’t exactly original on the thread either.

Doingmybesteveryday · 07/12/2023 17:45

My MIL woudlnt spend that on me and I’m married to her son! Plus I wouldn’t want her to. If her family are wealthy and that’s all she wants then surely her parents can buy it for her? I would hate the thought of DS’s family spending that much on him when he’s old enough for a girlfriend (or boyfriend) How about a voucher to Nando’s for them both to use in the new year instead?! 😂