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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

333 replies

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 19:17

DS2 is 21, he has been with his girlfriend a little over a year. We like to keep Christmas budget pretty strict, we could spend more I just hate how consumerist it has become.
My budgets are set in stone really varying between £25 and £200 depending who it is.
Usually for the partners of our kids (we have 5) who aren't with us on Christmas Day we spend between £50 and £100.
I asked DS what I should get for his GF and he sent a link for a perfume costing more than £200.
I'm gobsmacked, we aren't struggling and I do have the money to buy the perfume comfortably but we don't ever spend that much at Christmas.
I called him and said WTF basically and he told me that he'd transfer the difference but she probably wouldn't want anything else!?!

He also told me that for her and her 5 closest friends they are spending around £200 on each person?!!

She's from a very wealthy family (dad is managing partner of a Swiss private bank type wealthy), but this is insane right?!!
AIBU saying I won't spend this much even if my son transfers the difference?!

OP posts:
LalaPaloosa · 07/12/2023 17:46

Whattodo112222 · 06/12/2023 19:29

Entitled.

Yes! Exactly this.

Don’t start this now or you’ll be forced to spend this much every year.

Zeborah · 07/12/2023 17:49

Wimbledon towel!!

AnnieSnap · 07/12/2023 17:53

I’ve been there. My son had been with his GF for 6-weeks their first Christmas together. I bought her something pretty and modest. Her parents (who were/are not wealthy, but very comfortable) spent about £180 on my son. This was 23-years ago. He showed me what he had been given, saying they believed he should have the same amount under their tree as their own (adult) children. Unfortunately, his GF/DILs mother (her father died shortly after) has thrown money at them ever since and they will inherit a very expensive house when she dies. My son has chosen to value all of that much more than the love of his own parents. He doesn’t see me anymore.

Beargrumps22 · 07/12/2023 18:03

ridiculous and would not be fair on the other partners

Finestreason · 07/12/2023 18:06

AnnieSnap · 07/12/2023 17:53

I’ve been there. My son had been with his GF for 6-weeks their first Christmas together. I bought her something pretty and modest. Her parents (who were/are not wealthy, but very comfortable) spent about £180 on my son. This was 23-years ago. He showed me what he had been given, saying they believed he should have the same amount under their tree as their own (adult) children. Unfortunately, his GF/DILs mother (her father died shortly after) has thrown money at them ever since and they will inherit a very expensive house when she dies. My son has chosen to value all of that much more than the love of his own parents. He doesn’t see me anymore.

Sorry, exactly why does he not see you? What does his not seeing you have to do with money, if anything? I’m confused!

Trainingfairy · 07/12/2023 18:06

I'd just respond with "Oh that's over my budget sorry- it's a max of £100 so can you ask her what else she would like that wouldn't go over what I've allowed?"

It's nothing to do with being well off, affordability or anything else - that's your limit and if she can't suggest anything else it will have to be whatever you choose - a nice surprise!

She could probably do with a dose of real world reality in that although she's lucky to live in fortunate circumstances, that isn't the situation for most people - does she live under a rock?

Peablockfeathers · 07/12/2023 18:12

We met with her in July for lunch and build a bear came up in convo, for her birthday a month later we got a build a bear voucher for her and she has been sending us pics of the bear in random places since. She was super grateful.

I agree with others it sounds like was genuinely grateful for the thoughtful gift, I'd say to him if he wants to buy her the perfume then he can, but you'd like ideas of what to get within budget from you. My DHs parents have bought me some...interesting gifts over the years; but I've loved them all because they're thoughtful (all related to stuff I like just not things I'd probably choose) and I'm genuinely really thankful that they take the time and money to choose something for me even after all of these years. At the start I was just really excited to feel part of the family, I'm sure she will like something else.

Peablockfeathers · 07/12/2023 18:12

Trainingfairy · 07/12/2023 18:06

I'd just respond with "Oh that's over my budget sorry- it's a max of £100 so can you ask her what else she would like that wouldn't go over what I've allowed?"

It's nothing to do with being well off, affordability or anything else - that's your limit and if she can't suggest anything else it will have to be whatever you choose - a nice surprise!

She could probably do with a dose of real world reality in that although she's lucky to live in fortunate circumstances, that isn't the situation for most people - does she live under a rock?

Have you read OPs other posts on the thread?

Middleagedspreadisreal · 07/12/2023 18:13

Wow. Mine get waaay less than that and get nice presents.

StarlightLime · 07/12/2023 18:19

Diaria · 07/12/2023 13:37

@StarlightLime

Look I see what you’re saying, you mean for the relationship between the mother and the potential daughter in law if the relationship goes the course…

I can see what you’re saying, very easy way of handling it….

Whenever she says thank you

“I hope you enjoy it, it’s a beautiful perfume. A bit more than we regularly spend on children’s partners, but X contributed, you are so special to him etc”

That way you support son with what he wants for gf but draw your boundary in the sand.

Show quote history

No, that's not what I meant at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

Trainingfairy · 07/12/2023 18:25

Peablockfeathers · 07/12/2023 18:12

Have you read OPs other posts on the thread?

Show quote history

Why, what have I said or not said? Don't understand @Peablockfeathers ? I read some of the posts but not all so have I missed the point or something?

Merrytitmas · 07/12/2023 18:28

dottypencilcase · 06/12/2023 19:40

Boundaries, not standards. Sorry.

THIS.

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 18:30

Trainingfairy · 07/12/2023 18:25

Why, what have I said or not said? Don't understand @Peablockfeathers ? I read some of the posts but not all so have I missed the point or something?

Show quote history

The girlfriend didn’t ask for it from OP, and likely doesn’t have any idea that it’s even been requested. This is coming entirely from OP’s son.

Pliudev · 07/12/2023 18:33

Someone else has probably said this but the body lotion I'd £85 if you can find it. Having said that, I'd buy her a nice scarf.

user1471538283 · 07/12/2023 18:33

That's just madness! I would see if there is a small bottle of it within your budget. If not give her something else.

Trainingfairy · 07/12/2023 18:36

notlucreziaborgia · 07/12/2023 18:30

The girlfriend didn’t ask for it from OP, and likely doesn’t have any idea that it’s even been requested. This is coming entirely from OP’s son.

Show quote history

Thanks for explaining @notlucreziaborgia - in which case it makes it easier; just tell DS he can buy it if he wants but your budget is lower so have a re-think or you will just choose something nice yourself for her. A gift is a gift - it doesn't always have to be exactly what you wanted; as they say, it's the thought that counts....

sumayyah · 07/12/2023 18:36

If the option of perfume or nothing then she would be getting nothing round here.
Not quite the same as my kids are little but for my siblings, first couple years with a partner I got them a tin of biscuits/sweets

This year I've gotten my brother in law a bottle of fancy rum from a local maker

Not a mission I would go overboard for someone because they are apparently fussy

2chocolateoranges · 07/12/2023 18:38

£200/£250 Is my budget for dd and ds.

Dd has been with her boyfriend for 22months. I've spent £50 on him. Which is plenty. His mum spends roughly that on dd.

NoodleDoodle24 · 07/12/2023 18:39

I’m going to guess Tom Ford!

I wouldn’t expect anyone to spend this much on me whether they had the money to or not. I’m sure wine/chocolates/bath bombs/pjs would do. £50 is more than enough for a decent pair of pjs or a fancy bottle of wine and chocolates.

ellyeth · 07/12/2023 18:40

I would buy something at the price you usually pay for other partners - I think you said £50. If your son wants her to have the expensive perfume, he can buy it himself. He's got a cheek.

greenbeansnspinach · 07/12/2023 18:44

Get her a nice tub of hand cream. The discount supermarkets do some good dupes. She can always give it to the poor if she doesn’t like it.
He's probably just not thought it through properly, we had a similar situation last year with one of the younger generation who had got a bit carried away.

Sennelier1 · 07/12/2023 18:56

We have 2 children and 2 children in law. They each get a present to the amount of €150. Their wishlists consist of sensible and usefull gifts, and we are happy to buy those. Both couples have been together for +10 years. And yes we have grandchildren and for them we go absolutely bonkers 😂

ScroogeMcDuckling · 07/12/2023 18:57

Is perfume the right sort of gift from future in laws?

I must admit I do feel uncomfortable about buying that sort of thing for anyone in case they think I’m saying you stink!

you have budgets, you’ve had those budgets for a while and various reasons. Stick to them

BIossomtoes · 07/12/2023 18:59

Is perfume the right sort of gift from future in laws?

Why wouldn’t it be? It’s not a sex toy.

CantFindMyMarbles · 07/12/2023 18:59

I’d just ask him what her favourite chocolates are, favourite drink and what size pyjamas she wears. I’d then get her some nice fluffy socks, PJ’s, drink, choccies and maybe a book you think she’d like.

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