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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend this much on sons GF

333 replies

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 19:17

DS2 is 21, he has been with his girlfriend a little over a year. We like to keep Christmas budget pretty strict, we could spend more I just hate how consumerist it has become.
My budgets are set in stone really varying between £25 and £200 depending who it is.
Usually for the partners of our kids (we have 5) who aren't with us on Christmas Day we spend between £50 and £100.
I asked DS what I should get for his GF and he sent a link for a perfume costing more than £200.
I'm gobsmacked, we aren't struggling and I do have the money to buy the perfume comfortably but we don't ever spend that much at Christmas.
I called him and said WTF basically and he told me that he'd transfer the difference but she probably wouldn't want anything else!?!

He also told me that for her and her 5 closest friends they are spending around £200 on each person?!!

She's from a very wealthy family (dad is managing partner of a Swiss private bank type wealthy), but this is insane right?!!
AIBU saying I won't spend this much even if my son transfers the difference?!

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 07/12/2023 19:02

I would stick to your budget OP.
DS's GF sounds massively entitled.

AnnieSnap · 07/12/2023 19:03

Finestreason · 07/12/2023 18:06

Sorry, exactly why does he not see you? What does his not seeing you have to do with money, if anything? I’m confused!

Show quote history

He just gradually spent more and more time with his inlaws who shower them with money, cars etc and less and less with us. He is quite materialistic sadly.

ladyluck13 · 07/12/2023 19:13

Shes being cheeky, I'm a perfume addict and they're higher end niche perfumes, and expensive even for people who collect them like I do...there are plenty of cheaper niche scents. tell them both to take a hike

Reigateforever · 07/12/2023 19:18

A book on perfume.

ThinWomansBrain · 07/12/2023 19:22

is there a bath oil or similar in the same scent?

stick to your general budget - why would you spend more on her than partners of your other children

Maybe there's an Aldi dupe scent 😂

IWishIWasABaller · 07/12/2023 19:25

A voucher for build a bear to buy more outfits for the bear ?

Sunnydays0101 · 07/12/2023 19:35

I’d go down a very generic route and get her a Jo Malone hand-wash or candle or one or two Dior lip-glosses or a voucher for SpaceNK and leave it at that. She has never been to your home, has been with your DS a little over a year, etc. No need for an extravagant present from you.

Olika · 07/12/2023 19:38

Just tell him how much you can spend on her present and ask if he wants to pay the rest or you get something else.

Sillyname63 · 07/12/2023 19:42

Definitely not as everyone is saying you will set a precedent , can you look in that range and see if they have a body lotion that is more in your price range, otherwise I would steer clear of perfume as it a minefield. Not sure what to suggest other than a voucher , I hope your son has a well paid job to keep up with her expensive tastes in the future.

Livelifelaughter · 07/12/2023 19:46

Crikey Almighty....oh dear. Your budget is reasonable. It sounds crazy to pretend that the gift is from you and not from your son. Also to be fair to the girlfriend if she thought her boyfriend was trying to create a false impression aka lying to her about his back ground, how would she feel ?
Seriously, nothing smells right about this and actually I don't really like the way your son is manipulating both you and his girlfriend.

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/12/2023 19:47

She sounds lovely. I wonder if she makes your son feel a little insecure?

Either way the Build a Bear went down well because it was thoughtful. Buying someone perfume rarely is.

Snowdogsmitten · 07/12/2023 19:48

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 20:28

Oh I'm certain she can. I don't think she has asked for it. I think it's my son who knows what perfumes she uses and is suggesting it.
She's actually a lovely girl the times we've met her doesn't come across stuck up at all.
When's she's not at uni she's working, knows her privilege.
We met with her in July for lunch and build a bear came up in convo, for her birthday a month later we got a build a bear voucher for her and she has been sending us pics of the bear in random places since. She was super grateful. I just didn't know what to get her this time as we haven't discussed anything else and my son suggested the perfume.

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She sounds lovely. And like she wouldn’t expect such an extravagant gift.

FeeBee73 · 07/12/2023 20:02

I don't even spend that much on my husband and kids.
Do you know anyone going away who could get it cheap in duty free? Even then it's probably over £100.
What happened to - it's the thought that counts?

Beenalongwinter · 07/12/2023 20:06

Can you buy a triple milled wrapped soap or something similar in the same fragrance to match the perfume?

WowOK · 07/12/2023 20:17

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 20:51

She is very sweet!!

It's become a bit of a game where at some random time the family group chat will light up with "Freddie wants to play hide and seek who can find him", then the bear will be somewhere random like in the mixing bowl or poking its head out the curtain - I actually really like her!!

My son on the other hand can be a bit of a show off perhaps.

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I'd get ger a personalised book. You can get a personalised where's wally book where you create te character to look like someone..

www.wonderbly.com/uk/personalized-products/where-are-you-book?gclid=CjwKCAiA98WrBhAYEiwA2WvhOlvOfSVJs1Or0tT7Fur86MuAnPp0IuZWfXmKxnB-_5H2ch_UiwZ6PRoChogQAvD_BwE

alohaa · 07/12/2023 20:18

fetchacloth · 07/12/2023 19:02

I would stick to your budget OP.
DS's GF sounds massively entitled.

Being well-off doesn't make one entitled. My now DH spent a lot of money on me when we first met, because I was from a privileged background (not boasting bc the tables have turned now anyway)... I wasn't asking for it and would've been happy with any sentimental thing.

It's fine if he wants to spend money on his gf (as long as she's not demanding it, which she isn't) but I'm confused about him asking his Mum to do so... Can't he just get her his own expensive gift? Unless he's like embarrassed about his family circumstances or something?!

StarlightLime · 07/12/2023 20:28

alohaa · 07/12/2023 20:18

Being well-off doesn't make one entitled. My now DH spent a lot of money on me when we first met, because I was from a privileged background (not boasting bc the tables have turned now anyway)... I wasn't asking for it and would've been happy with any sentimental thing.

It's fine if he wants to spend money on his gf (as long as she's not demanding it, which she isn't) but I'm confused about him asking his Mum to do so... Can't he just get her his own expensive gift? Unless he's like embarrassed about his family circumstances or something?!

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Well, that seems to be the thing.

He doesn't want his Mum to finance a gift from him, he wants it to purportedly come from her, even though he's prepared to fund the majority of it himself.
Totally pretending to be something he's not.

SarahsHoneydew · 07/12/2023 20:33

What is he getting her? Just wondering with him saying she wouldn’t want anything else. If that’s true then why wouldn’t he have got her the perfume himself? If it’s because it’s so expensive he is being unbelievably cheeky!

Cosicosi · 07/12/2023 21:13

YANBU, Let me guess: Penhaligon's? Creed or Acqua di Parma?

kaboomy · 07/12/2023 21:15

Cosicosi · 07/12/2023 21:13

YANBU, Let me guess: Penhaligon's? Creed or Acqua di Parma?

Huh? Nope nope and nope. The OP tells us in the thread

Diaria · 07/12/2023 22:37

BeforeNew · 06/12/2023 20:01

He sent 3 different perfumes but all around the same price

  • Kilian Intoxicated
  • Kilian Love don't be shy
  • MFK A la Rose (think this was a little cheaper but not loads)

I haven't heard of any of them or the brands tbh

Show quote history

Shopping tips if you decide to go with one of these

Look Incredible has intoxicated on sale for £166.99.

The travel set of love don’t be shy looks amazing (and would tie in with her love of travel)
Old version of it is at All Beauty it is £157.50, however you can get 10% off for a new sign up or 20% via allbeauty app with code ALLAPP.
New version £149.62 at parfumdreams, £165 at Sephora.

A la rose eau de toilette 35ml £105 direct from the brand and they also have nice scented candles.

Liberty has 15% off new sign ups if you decide to get the kilian there….

Shop around, never pay the headline price for premium beauty, there is absolutely no need to!!!

Check student beans and UNiDAYS (your son will have access), sites like top cash back are good too.

I hope you get something sorted.

Diaria · 07/12/2023 22:51

Ps parfumdreams has 21% off welcome voucher for anyone wanting to make their perfume dreams come true!

Roxy69 · 07/12/2023 22:56

I would send a charity token/donation for Oxfam or one of the other charities that you may support. Plus a box of nice chocolates. That should get the problem sorted out and lay a template for future gift giving between you. Christmas should not be about 'performance giving'.

Ukrainebaby23 · 08/12/2023 05:02

£20 gift token sounds about right.