Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

[Awkwardmum6]

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

Absolutely make an effort. It's very early days and what you describe is typical in the first year. Your friendships gradually develop when kids have more playdates, join the same clubs and you lift share etc. If you join the PSA you will meet more mums. Within a couple of years you will most likely have a good group of friends if you make a bit of an effort. There will be lots of parents feeling exactly the same. I have made some amazing friends through school. We regularly socialise. I was like you at first though.

See it as role modelling for your daughter. She will learn about social interactions from you. I talk to people on the school run, partly because I'm aware it will make my child more comfortable, it passes a few minutes and forging links no matter how small makes your life easier when you need some support as you will do even if that's asking a quick question about something. I've made some good friends over the years, thought some people were friends but they turned out to be just "school run" friends, found out lots of information about school and my child I would never have known if I hadn't chatted and it just passed the time more quickly. Win win. Most people are happy to have a quick chat even if they don't initiate it. If you don't chat life is more lonely for you and your daughter.

The trouble with not trying to make the whole school gate thing less awkward is how to handle whole-class birthday parties, where you are stuck with those same parents for 2 hours with nothing to say because your DC are too young to drop and run. As painful as it is, probably a good idea to do some small talk at the gate no's so you have done sort of connection for later.

I don’t do too much small talk at schools gates & we avoid the whole
class group birthday party invites if we can. We’re part of PTA & help at all events etc but doesn’t mean we need to be friends. I’ve longstanding friendships with a few school mums who I knew before being school mums - our friendship’s effortless. I can’t be bothered with some of the drama that comes with some of the school mums at my DC school - worse than the kids! We’d an incident recently where one primary aged child posted things on social media about other school children (including my own). Not being friends with the family in question made it easier to discuss it with them etc & will make it easier in future if we’re forced to involve the Police. They aren’t our friends & wont be after all this carry on.

I really don’t want to sound unsympathetic but I probably do: why do people actually care about these situations? To me, it’s like standing at a bus stop every day at the same time with the same people. I couldn’t give a stuff who talks to whom. Maybe it would help if you always arrive at the last minute? Not late, but last minute so you minimise the amount of time you spend waiting.

@Craycraycatbaby "those people"
Well that's just charming really isn't it.
You're so superior compared to them aren't you?
🙄

I think simply being in a school environment triggers something for a lot of people about their own school days and how awful it felt to be left out.

I’ve never made an effort and never will. I do not care and I am not interested in them. I get out of the car at the last possible second to drop off and pick up.

I also do not care about fundraising/raffles/pta/donations/teachers gifts or anything of the sort.

@Cincinnatus unless your children attend the best funded school in the country (unlikely - as they are all under funded) I expect you are grateful for some of the things the fundraising money goes to - like books and pencils.

I wonder how your child feels about this...

I simply just meant that I'm not friends with "them". We are not friends, we don't know eachother. People I do not know. But if you want to be offended then go for it hun ✌️

@Craycraycatbaby you don't have to be friends - it just nicer to be polite and speak to people once in a while.
If you can manage "thank you" to the staff member in Tesco or "one adult to town please" to the bus driver surely you can manage a "good morning" to other adults in the school playground.

@Craycraycatbaby going by the average class size of 30 the other 29 people in that playground quite possibly didn't know each other either and were all strangers at the beginning.
"we don't know each other" is a strange attitude to have.

My DD is also in reception, I only do a handful of drop offs and pick ups each week, and am usually rushing to or from work so don’t have much chance to chat with the other parents.

I am conscious that it’s likely the other parents may form stronger relationships and that my DD will miss out as a result.

My approach has been to follow my DDs lead, see which children she is friendly with and make an effort with those parents outside of school with play dates after school, at the weekend, during the holidays, etc.

We have had a few all class parties too which are a good chance to get to know the other parents.

Dont put too much pressure on the school gate, there are other opportunities to get to know people if you want to. You do have to put yourself out there a bit though. I also have social anxiety and this has been the hardest thing for me as a parent, but the more you do it the easier it gets.

Never said I wasn't polite to them or didn't say hello? I've spoken to them at parties or when I do the occasional school run. I just don't know them and don't see the point either 🤷‍♀️

I’ve been really lucky to have made the most amazing group of school mum friends. I wouldn’t be without them.

But it took a lot of effort, I really had to push myself out my comfort zone.

Yes, I dreaded it and was very self conscious. I did make some friends over the years with eldest but big age gap so youngest was at a different school and I made zero effort beyond saying hi and standing away from group. It's all fine, years later I realise I'm not sociable in a forced together, type of small talkey way. I'm happy to talk to anyone these days but I just don't enjoy feeling pushed, can't explain too well it's an odd thing!!

Yeah I mean to a certain extent you get out what you put in: if you don't have time/can't be arsed/don't need the hassle that's fine.

But a little goes a surprisingly long way. You don't need to make these people your best friends, but smiling and making a bit of smalltalk with people will just build the foundations. They likely won't all become BFFs but you might make some helpful alliances.

I'm still in a friend network with about five or six of the mums from my DD's primary (the kids have all since gone to different secondaries). None of them were super close friends and we probably wouldn't see one another individually but we all get on, our kids get on and its good to have a local network: we stay in touch and do occasional drinks locally and some unofficial short-term babysitting. I didn't go out of my way to properly befriend these people, just was kind and courteous and it built slowly over time.

If you expect to make friends overnight you're going to be disappointed: most parents don't have the time or the mental bandwidth for loads of extracurricular socialising. But by the same token shutting yourself off and developing paranoid theories about cliques and conspiracies only hurts you.

A bit of kindness and putting people at ease could make the difference between being socially excluded or included, something which your kids will ultimately benefit from too.

I can pretty much assure you, children couldn't care less!! Having had a shedload of kids go through the school system, never being on the PTA (though I would go to the school fete), and only buying thank you gifts for the rare teacher, my kids wouldn't even notice. Too busy with their own lives to worry about whether mum has bought a raffle ticket

I wonder if dad's feel this ridiculous pressure to chat? I cant imagine Bob worrying about whether Dave n his mates will glance his way in the playground and smile, how to initiate small talk, and if he doesn't whether it will adversely effect his kid for years to come. Somehow I doubt it.

It is just another pressure us mums put on ourselves.

@BoredofBlonde

I can pretty much assure you, children couldn't care less!! Having had a shedload of kids go through the school system, never being on the PTA (though I would go to the school fete), and only buying thank you gifts for the rare teacher, my kids wouldn't even notice. Too busy with their own lives to worry about whether mum has bought a raffle ticket.

The kids couldn't give a tinker's cuss about the PTA or whether their mum is supermum and raising money for charity etc, that's totally true. That's nice to have but far from essential.

They will care, though, if their parents instil a culture of fear and paranoia about trivial day to day interactions with other human beings and leave them in a state of anxiety about talking to people. Part of parenting is building children's social awareness and social ability and if the parents operate under the assumption that contact with other people is to be avoided at all costs it will rub off on them.

I did a total of ten years primary school runs, and although I found it hard at first, by the last couple of years, I genuinely didn’t care. I hate small talk and I recharge when I’m alone so it had become a good time to think and process and enjoy my own internal world. Plus entering an environment crammed with people did trigger general anxiety for me as I dislike crowds. My children are both at secondary now, travel independently, and it’s a relief.

It’s also good for kids to learn that it’s OK to be shy and it’s OK to not be everyone’s friend and that it’s OK to feel nervous around people and that it’s OK not to want to make conversations with randoms.

My son understands the way I feel, he knows that the reason I get stressed and hurry through things like arriving at swimming lessons is because it’s a very unpleasant situation for me and I need it to be over as quickly as possible. He gets it and has learned that I am different to him and that people have different responses to certain situations.

Not necessarily. I avoid contact with people at all costs, yet my two children have great social lives, go out every weekend, and have a few good friends. Even if they didn’t though, I wouldn’t see it as a flaw.

Boredofblonde, I feel no pressure whatsoever so be friendly to other humans, I enjoy it

@brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

It’s also good for kids to learn that it’s OK to be shy and it’s OK to not be everyone’s friend and that it’s OK to feel nervous around people and that it’s OK not to want to make conversations with randoms.

Up to a point. It’s certainly good for kids to accept their personalities and temperaments and if they are shy they are shy and that’s OK.

I personally don’t think it’s OK to encourage the idea that avoiding interaction with people all the time and at all costs is a sound life strategy. Your kids may avoid this but it isn’t enhancing their opportunities.

Shy and anxious doesn’t have to equate to totally avoidant and misanthropic. There’s plenty of room for quiet, introspective and thoughtful people in society.