Not to make an effort with the mums at children's school?

[Awkwardmum6]

DD started reception a few weeks later than everybody else and then it was DH doing most of the school runs. I've taken over now and I'm a less familiar face and nobody seems to want to chat to me.

I find it almost painful to stand around near the other parents at pick up. I've always felt shy meeting new people, unless it's 1-1, so being lumped in with 20+ unfamiliar people all stood in one place chatting.. makes me feel so anxious and, although ridiculous, a bit upset.

I smiled at one mum today as she had glanced over at me a few times, she just looked through me, so that was nice.

I'm not looking for friends so that doesn't bother me, I just cannot seem to get past how uncomfortable I feel at school. So much so I'm thinking of waiting around the corner until the last minute and avoiding everybody completely 😂

Does anybody else feel like this?

@BoredofBlonde the kids definitely wouldn't give a shit about the PTA.

However, by the sounds of it ,the poster is not available for playdate invites or parties the kids would care about that.

They would also care about party days at school, fetes and other festive/special occasions, that might require attendance or donations. They might care (rightly or wrongly )about giving their teacher something small or at least a card. I know they care because I work with kids and I've seen it all. Including children sharing their loot from the Christmas fair so they can give "something " to their teachers(we very gently declined of course) , or asking for help to make a card .

It could be the poster does just about enough to not have her child feel left out , or it might be she does none of it because SHE doesn't care, her child might though.

I only go occasionally to school. Part of the reason I use a childminder even though I work from home most days is to avoid the sheer agony of playground small talk. When I do go I just stand away from everyone and pretend to be busy on my phone.hes been there 3 years, I still couldn’t name anyone so it’s effective 🤣

Just be aware, if you find small talk agonising, the way to get over that is to keep doing it and keep trying. Not always easy but worth it. Because although the people who hate small talk claim they don’t want to know other people, they do actually like having friends. They’re just not willing to put in any effort to get more.

Knowing people is nicer than knowing nobody. A life completely alone with no human interaction would be pretty depressing even for the biggest introvert. And the more people you exchange the odd friendly interaction with, the better life feels.

I was born a very shy introvert. I’m still an introvert but I’m not shy. I put the work in. It feels great and I’m so much happier!

I find the whole MN thing about "school mums" quite strange. Often there seems to be a superiority about it that everyone else has a personality bypass as soon as they have school age kids!!

Just like any other situation where you initially find yourself among people you don't know, (workplace, sports club, religious group, hobby group, waiting at children's activities, etc ) some people will be friendly, some won't, some will be superficial level friends (you pass the time of day) some might be better friends, some you won't gel with. They're not all the same! I'm not a naturally outgoing person but I'd know most of my DC class mates mums to say hello/pass the time of day with when they were first at primary (less so when I worked longer hours)

I'd find it surprising and a bit sad if someone managed not to make any friends even at a very surface level for the entirety of their child's school life. Even on a practical level, sharing lifts to parties/hobbies etc is useful as is knowing someone you could ask for a favour (and return one if needed) in an emergency or unforseen situation.

This My grandson is taxied into school so neither parent does school runs . Doesn't stop influx of party invites

@Samlewis96 that tends to change as they age. Up to y3(sometimes earlier) ,whole class parties are still quite common but they do start to become smaller after a while. When the number is under 5/10 , normally it's the kid whose parents make no effort to at least vaguely say hello , have a playdate or two etc that get left out, no matter how good the friendship is.

Another introvert here!
It’s not an introvert friendly world I’m afraid. Extroverts don’t understand and just think we need to try harder.
OP if you work all week I bet that tired you out for social interaction and don’t want to make small talk. I also find that painful (unless I’m at work and being paid!)

You don’t actually have to be friends with your kids friends parents. What do you have in common ? You had a kid at the same time ?
You don’t need it and don’t want it and just imagine you are waiting for a bus. ⭐️⭐️ your kids will be fine socially making their own friends you don’t need to create their friendships for them.

If you work aal week, you must be tired from social interaction? Depends what ones job is surely?

Minglingpringle, great post

@Fizbosshoes

I totally ageee. I honestly think the widespread phobia of school gate interaction is pretty alarming. We need to confront this and ask ourselves why so many adults find chatting to other parents at school so traumatic.

I don't think anyone has said they find it "traumatic".

No one has used that word, no. But it clearly triggers a huge amount of anxiety in a lot of people. It's very odd in my view to want to go out of your way to avoid having to smile and have minimal friendly exchanges with the parents of your children's schoolfriends.

As a PP pointed out the same people are perfectly capable of being minimally courteous and friendly to people they encounter in other settings (shops, dry cleaners, staff at public transport stations, bus drivers, electricians, plumbers etc) but they seem to feel they have this God-given right to have absolutely no interaction with parents at their childrens' school. It's bizarre and completely irrational.

This was me when my DS was at reception. I wasn’t from the area and had continued to work in the city. Any friends I had didn’t have children the same age. I was traumatised doing pick up and drop off. Everyone seemed to have established friends/ acquaintances and I felt like the oddball. I suggest finding out who your daughter is close to and have a no pressure chat, when the kids are there. By the time he left reception we had 2 established friendships (nothing earth shattering) who were moving onto primary with him. Fast forward to year 5 and whilst I know most of the parents to see, I have a handful of well established friendships and people who I can rely on if things go up in the air and I need one of them to grab the kids at pickup (don’t underestimate the need for that if nothing else). When my DD started reception all I could think is “here we go again” however I found that transition much easier probably because I’d done it before. The same is true of her now in year 2, again a handful of parents who I could txt and get them to grab her for me and this is regularly reciprocated.

My only advise is, it’s worth the discomfort in the end. No need to be a social butterfly but find your (and your daughters) people. Remember it truly does take a village sometimes!

Your use of language is bizarre. No one has said or even implied it's their God-given right to have no interaction with parents. People have said they don't enjoy it.

The other settings you have listed are a false equivalence. I wouldn't see the plumber every day. I can manage small talk on one occasion and, overall, the topic of conversation there would be the issue with my plumbing. You aren't linked to ant of those other people via kids.

What people don't enjoy is that it can be difficult to have a good conversation with parents at drop off as you don't very well know them. So it's just small talk. You run out of small talk when you see the same person for 10minute bursts every day or twice a day. For many, you have nothing in common other than your children going to the school. It's awkward because you don't want to be stoney faced and ignore people, but at the same time you have FA to say to them.

Using hyperbole like "traumatic" and "God-given right" is preventing you from accepting a point of view that is reasonably different from yours and really not that dramatic.

Do I make an effort to chat and be pleasant when I encounter other parents at drop off/pick up? Yes. Do I enjoy it? Honestly, no. Am I traumatised by it? No. Do I think it's my God-given right not to talk to other people? No.

I'm not an extrovert I'm fairly shy....but the more people I make eye contact/small talk with, the less isolating it is.
Some posters seem to feel really proud or like it's a badge of honour that they've never made small talk or talked to "school mums" for x years and that's the thing I find weird. Why write off a whole bunch of people assuming you won't have anything in common? What singles you out as different to them?

She is probably another poster on this thread proudly declaring that she doesn't like to interact with you because you are a 'school mum', a human sub species who is only capable of mindless small talk and gossip.

I used to leave it as late as poss & run in and out. Nothing against anyone at all, I just hate small talk. I certainly wouldn’t bother with anyone that is being cold towards me. Don’t let it upset you, just enjoy picking your child up

Oh gosh - I’m completely with you.

My two are at secondary now but I hated the drop offs and pick ups. I was so much older than the other Mums and I really struggled with feeling awkward. I found a few Mums to stand with in the end.

I did organise a pub night out for quite a lot of the Mums which broke the ice a bit.

@BippityBopper

Your use of language is bizarre. No one has said or even implied it's their God-given right to have no interaction with parents. People have said they don't enjoy it.

The point of this thread is someone asking if they are being unreasonable in wanting not to interact with the parents of their child's schoolfriends.

There are literally a couple of threads a week on Mumsnet from people who find interacting with other parents at school induces anxiety and in which fretting about trivial interactions is blown out of all proportion into conspiracy theories about cliques and gangs. It's an observable phenomenon and I'm not the only person to have noticed this.

My perspective on it is that if you want to have no interaction with other parents this is of course your right. But this is odd, probably not very constructive and worth unpacking a bit to explore what this tells us about our society and how it feels about itself. The fact that so many people seem not only to experience this sense of alienation from other parents but to actively celebrate it troubles me. If people find this element of life distressing and difficult then I sympathise but I'm not going to just nod along and say "you do you" when I think its profoundly negative.

If you found my post to be hyperbolic then I apologise. But the anxiety about school is a real thing and I stand by the fact that it's a bit fucked up.

We used breakfast and after school clubs every day so thankfully avoided school gates! Phew!

I've felt this way too OP and know it causes anxiety or strife for other mums too. However , I've started to wonder how many dads feel the same way...? Do they ever feel this crushing pressure to make friends with parents at their kids' school? From what I've seen, they don't. I wonder if we should take a leaf out of the dads' book!

I don't feel that pressure, but am happy to

Yes, this is Normal..!!!!!!
I felt like this !!!!!
But I did know a few from the Baby groups that I had already attended when daughters were babies.
It's still uncomfortable, when your known friends are not at the gate like if you was a schoolgirl and no one from your class is there yet.
Don't worry your child will soon be dragging their friends mum's over for playdates and you will have plenty opportunities to mingle and gossip after that because just one person will introduce you to their friends and it follows from there.
A word of warning: I sometimes wish I wasn't so accommodating to new friends as one or two had their eye on my spouse; one even acting on her impulses and ruining my ex es life. So in the long run it might be better to keep distance.

I completely agree - school gate parents can be a weird bunch in my experience and in hindsight I wish I had kept to myself more in the early days! You carry on as you are OP it will become more normal each day and the awkwardness will reduce

I think you're getting a little unfairly slated here op (I only read the first three pages admittedly) I assume because there are a lot of similar threads and mumsnetters are sick of them (not your fault how were you meant to know)

I completely understand you btw when I was a child I was cripplingly shy and barely spoke. I guess it's easy for people who've never been shy to say "just get over yourself and talk to them"

Although there is a little bit of truth in it even though it sounds insensitive, I had to progressively push myself out of my comfort zone to become more confident as a teenager. Its a low self esteem thing, remind yourself that the others are no better than you, hell most of them are probably just as paranoid about making a good impression as we are