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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS I won't take him for his driving test later (vile behaviour related!)

247 replies

boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:22

Massive argument with DS 17 this morning started over him ignoring a very simple request I'd made. I came downstairs saw he'd ignored me so asked again. He continued to refuse, I insisted, he got sweary & vile and I shouted very loud and stomped off muttering what an ungrateful & selfish shit he was and how I would remember this next time he wanted a favour.

So, he has his driving test after school tonight, it's out of area & needs me to get him there - it's a 3 hour round trip so not insignificant favour either! I'm thinking I should message him to say given this morning's debacle I won't be taking you to your test this evening so either cancel or get yourself there (not really an option unless he can find a mate to take him!)

Next available test isn't until February & not taking him will escalate an already frosty relationship even further. Added to which this sort of thing stand-off has happened before & I've followed through on threats or imposed sanctions but nothing changes and he continues to think it's everyone else at fault (me, his dad, school, etc ) and be generally unpleasant.

YANBU: don't take him: he doesn't deserve the favour. End of conversation.
YABU: take him: don't escalate it further and it won't change anything long term but do impose other sanctions/punishment instead (?)

OP posts:
WetBandits · 06/12/2023 12:25

I’m voting YABU because this is quite an important favour! Driving tests are expensive and like gold dust (in my area, anyway!)

Impose any other sanctions you deem necessary but I wouldn’t do this.

Papillon23 · 06/12/2023 12:25

Do you think that not taking him is the best way to end up with a better, more respectful relationship (which I think is what you'd actually like?). You don't want to be a doormat but not taking someone for a booked driving test that they'll have been preparing for for weeks and that while a privilege is also a life skill that will presumably make him less reliant on you, is a pretty major punishment.

Iheartmysmart · 06/12/2023 12:25

I would take him but make it very clear that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he really doesn’t deserve such an enormous favour.

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/12/2023 12:26

I'm all for reinforcing boundaries, but this is his driving test! Of course YABU to not take him. You need to start following through but that only works if ramifications are clearly laid out as a consequence of continuing behaviour, not sprung on him after the fact as he will just think is unfair.

ForHeavensSakeRichard · 06/12/2023 12:26

That would be a pretty shitty thing to do tbh.

TokyoSushi · 06/12/2023 12:27

I think because it's his driving test you have to take him. I'd impose another sanction though.

mammamummym · 06/12/2023 12:27

I would be massively tempted to refuse the lift. You need to think about what you're wanting to achieve and what you're likely to achieve. If it starts world war 3 is it worth it? Selfish little shits don't suddenly change their behaviour/mindset and I wonder if it will just make your life harder.

SerpentEndBench · 06/12/2023 12:28

He might well have been nervous this morning hence taking it out on you. I would take him.

Be calm. Let him focus on the test, it will be dark when he is undertaking it so extra stressful perhaps.

Don't escalate. I know the temptation to punish is strong but cancelling taking him at such short notice thus pushing him into cancelling his test is disproportionate, imo.

Don't model sweary and vile, no need to stomp around shouting and muttering, you're the adult, v hard I know. BTDT.

mollyfolk · 06/12/2023 12:28

Oh take him. Be nice and encouraging. Then on the way home in the car I’d say something like how much he upset you this morning and that you were so upset that you started to wonder if you were a bit of a fool rearranging your day to take him to the test. But that you decided to take him because you love him and your always on his side. But again - how not on his behaviour is with the ignoring and swearing ect… and see what he says.

I just think protecting your relationship is the most important thing while still holding the boundary that he can’t treat you like that.

EBearhug · 06/12/2023 12:29

Unless the disagreement was directly related to his test/driving/car use, I'd take him. If nothing else, it's a bit unfair on all the other people who could have had that test slot if it's empty. And he might not pass and still need that February slot.

If the disagreement was driving related, it would depend on the details of what he did.

SerpentEndBench · 06/12/2023 12:29

Molly great post.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/12/2023 12:30

I suspect he is nervous too.

I think you'd be cutting your nose off to spite your face OP.

It's not a small favour, but I don't think the bad behaviour and something this important should be linked. Would you prevent him taking exams at school if he was rude to you and needed a lift there?

enchantedsquirrelwood · 06/12/2023 12:31

mammamummym · 06/12/2023 12:27

I would be massively tempted to refuse the lift. You need to think about what you're wanting to achieve and what you're likely to achieve. If it starts world war 3 is it worth it? Selfish little shits don't suddenly change their behaviour/mindset and I wonder if it will just make your life harder.

Edited as I think I misread the post.

WowOK · 06/12/2023 12:32

YABU not to take him. Its his driving test. They are expensive. I'd give him a different sanction.

I wouldn't be stumping up money for a car mind.

Doubleespresso33 · 06/12/2023 12:32

I would take him but have a cool and calm conversation at a later point. Not on the way to his driving test as he needs to be calm and not after as he will either be happy or sad depending on the outcome.

talk to him at a later date about how you felt and acknowledge his frustrations too and just say you hope you can put it behind you. Teenagers are horrible and selfish and don’t think about anyone else but we have all been there

Zingy123 · 06/12/2023 12:32

Poor kid is probably stressed to the hilt. Don't be horrible to him today.

gingercat02 · 06/12/2023 12:33

Take him but make it quite clear afterwards that he won't br driving your car until his behaviour improves. Or if he fails, you won't be facilitating another test.

Original poster
boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:33

Absolutely agree. Unfortunately he swears so much both casually and in anger that I've noticed I've started to swear a bit too - I don't think I ever even said bloody or crap until about 2 years ago!!!

OP posts:
LittleLegsKeepGoing · 06/12/2023 12:34

If you don't take him it really could push your relationship into unrecoverable territory. Are you sure this is an argument worth doing that over?

I'd definitely take the advice offered by mollyfolk.

poetryandwine · 06/12/2023 12:34

Going back on your commitment to take your son to his driving test will simply escalate the tension in your family. Your son will realise he cannot count on your promises. He will be a long time trusting you again and that is not what your relationship needs.

Of course he needs to take responsibility for his actions (and treat you better) and it is right that you should sanction this incident in some other way.

Calling him a shit is probably quite hurtful, also. As you know if he uses that language to you. But it will hurt a child, coming from their parent, more.

WildFlowerBees · 06/12/2023 12:35

Does he have form for being so rude and disrespectful to you? I'd deal with that after the test. Is he nervous? That can make people very irritable when their mind is elsewhere and they're anxious.

Take him but afterwards sit down and speak to him.

Original poster
boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:36

I think @mollyfolk has it spot on thank you.

It's so hard to see what best when you're dealing with a volatile teenager whilst in the throes of peri-menopause. Give me a room full of toddlers any day!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
boyohboys · 06/12/2023 12:37

Yes he has form. 2 years worth of it unfortunately so this isn't anything new & I'm all out of answers (and frankly enthusiasm!)

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 06/12/2023 12:37

You don’t think that his behaviour this morning was perhaps influenced by the stress of his driving test looming?

Letting him down on a lift to such an important thing last minute will really damage your relationship - possibly forever. I don’t think I’d see my parents the same way if they’d done something like that to me (even if I was being a complete shit).

Of course his behaviour is not acceptable and needs to be addressed but wait till after his test!

salamirose · 06/12/2023 12:37

Teens is a tough time. It's no excuse I know. It's their job to push back to find the boundary.

His behaviour is not ok though.

You have to treat him like a toddler - I still love you but that behavior is not ok.

Personally I would take him to the test as frankly if you don't you'll just be asked to drive him other places!

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